John wanted a particular week off this summer to attend a family
reunion. It was particularly important to him for two reasons: for the
first time, every single member of the family would be there, and it would
be on Maui. He checked the office schedule and found that another member of
his team had already booked the same time away. Disappointedly he told his
family he could not attend. The answer he accepted was 'No'.
The truth was that the co-worker who booked that time off had chosen
her week off at random. A simple request from John would have been all that
was required for her to change her dates. What was going on here?
Our expectations in any relationship are based on history, on how
things have worked in the past. Interestingly, we will even take someone
else's history as evidence. Does this make sense? Sometimes, yes, and
sometimes, no.
There are very few true 'laws'. People do not do the same things in
the same ways with the same people in every case. Yet, often , we behave as
though this is true. If it happened once, it will always happen! If it
happened to someone, it will happen to me.
Sure, it makes sense to stay away from sharks. They usually attack
and you look like food. As there is likely no good reason to approach a
shark, there is no problem. What, though, if that shark had your
daughter's arm in its mouth? You would likely take some action to get what
you want.
The same is true at the office. When something is important to you
and contributes to your well-being, it requires action. History may have
told you that asking may be difficult, timing may be tricky and receiving
may be unlikely, but, if you do not ask, the answer will always be 'No!".
When you ask someone for help, you are telling them that you believe
they have the skills or experience to give you that help. Don't you feel
good when someone asks for your help? Of course, we're not talking about
those few folks who are always asking for it, those who are too lazy, too
busy or too demanding.
You can enhance a relationship by asking for help. You open the
relationship to become more reciprocal. That's a choice only you can
determine is appropriate. If you do not want to be asked for something,
best not ask yourself! But, if you do not ask, the answer is always "No!".
Some ways of approaching an issue are more productive than others.
It's unlikely you'll get what you want by beginning with "I'm sure you'll
say 'No', but..." You may have tried that one when you were a teen-ager. It
didn't work well, did it?
First, be prepared. Be ready to ask clearly for what you want. Know
why you want it. Be prepared with benefits to the listener for giving you
what you are requesting. If possible, give them a plan that will work for
them...and for you. When you do the work, you're more likely to get what
you want.
Then, pick your moment carefully, then check. "I would like to
discuss something with you. Is this a good time?" or "When would you have
a few minutes free to discuss something?" If you are asking a supervisor
or manager, they will likely want to know what the topic is. This is fair,
however, how you answer is important. It can make all the difference
between getting the meeting or not.
Phrase your issue broadly and positively . "I'd like to discuss the
vacation schedule." rather than, "I need to talk to you about getting the
dates I want for vacation." Give the overall topic, not your specific
request. If pressed for specifics, again be positive, clear and brief.
Once in the meeting, first, thank them for their time. Give the
benefits to the listener for giving you what you want, then ask. Ask
clearly for exactly what you want. Do not apologize for your request. You
have the right to ask as they have the right to refuse. Whatever the
outcome, the relationship will shift slightly no matter who you ask for
what! Be prepared.
You have probably heard the English proverb: 'Most things are lost
for want of as king.' There is no need to lose anything for that reason.
Simply ask. You may be surprised how easy this becomes with practice.
Remember, though, if you do not ask, the answer is always 'No'. So ask!
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
---------------------------------
This article may be reprinted or republished if the complete
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is a 'people skills' expert--a international speaker,
author, executive coach and founder of the Optimize! Institute in
Escondido, CA. www.OptimizeInstitute.com
Dr. Shaler works with organizations that know their people are their top
resource and with leaders who know that building relationships is a top
priority. She is the author of What You Pay Attention to Expands and
Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work as well as more
than a dozen books and audio programs. Her books are currently in nine
languages and her articles are published in more than 17,000 publications.
Visit www.OptimizeInstitute.com
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