x Jalessa x: Dude, now I have *five* people on my buddy list now!
x Jalessa x: Hi Moses. :-)
HolyManMoses: Jalessa! How are you?
HolyManMoses: This is the first time that I've been online since I got your new name. Let me add you to my list. :-)
x Jalessa x: I'm naked! How are you?
x Jalessa x: This is the first time I've ever seen you on-line.
HolyManMoses: I'm dressed.
HolyManMoses: But I'm pretty good. I hardly ever go online anymore, except to check my e-mail.
x Jalessa x: What a pity. That you're dressed, I man.
x Jalessa x: Why not?
HolyManMoses: I just don't have time. I really shouldn't be doing it now because finals are coming up, but I felt like I needed
a little break.
HolyManMoses: I'd better be dressed; I'm in a public place!
HolyManMoses: And someone is playing a JEM CD.
x Jalessa x: Well, what's so wrong with that? ;-) I'm in a hotel room, so it's all good. You just don't get the full affect of a
hotel room unless you're naked in it.
HolyManMoses: I wanted to tell you that I got your letter in the mail. I'm really sorry that I haven't written back yet.
x Jalessa x: Hey, did you get my letter?
x Jalessa x: Oh, wow, dude.
HolyManMoses: Do you want me to talk about it now? I can. I have it with me.
x Jalessa x: If you want to.
HolyManMoses: Let me get it out.
HolyManMoses: How are you, by the way?
x Jalessa x: Did you ask that already?
HolyManMoses: No, I don't think so.
x Jalessa x: That was the *first* thing you asked.
x Jalessa x: I could answer it again though. I just wanted to know if you were trying to trick me or something.
HolyManMoses: Sorry. Wow. Should I straigthen my brain out before we go on? I'm really sorry, Jalessa.
HolyManMoses: But yes, please answer again. Something could have changed. :-) And I'm not trying to trick you.
x Jalessa x: lol. Your brain is fine the way it is. :-)
HolyManMoses: Maybe I need to put on my own music to think clearly.
x Jalessa x: I'm doing good.
HolyManMoses: Good. I'm glad to hear that.
x Jalessa x: I'm listening to the "fruit of the loom" song. :-)
HolyManMoses: lol. Is it on tv, or do you have a CD with that on?
HolyManMoses: I'm listening "So This is Christmas" by John Lennon.
x Jalessa x: It was on the radio. But it was the real version of the song.
x Jalessa x: I heard that song this morning! :-) It's actually called "Happy Christmas."
HolyManMoses: Your right. I guess my own music *didn't* straigthen out my brain . . .
x Jalessa x: You can't even spell straighten correctly! =P
HolyManMoses: In your question you said that you hadn't been thinking enough to think, and then you asked if I ever felt that
way . . . and I think I usually feel like I'm thinking too much to think. Does that make sense?
HolyManMoses: I mean, in your letter.
HolyManMoses: And this might be precisely what is happening right now. :p
x Jalessa x: Wow, I don't remember saying that.
x Jalessa x: Sure, that makes sense.
HolyManMoses: You worried in your letter about a lot of things not making sense . . . but I think it all made sense to me.
x Jalessa x: I worry about that all the time. Because most of the time my thoughts don't make sense to me. But I'm glad
someone else can understand them. =)
HolyManMoses: And Jalessa . . . why do you feel like such a sinner? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to, but
it seemed like something that was on your mind a lot.
x Jalessa x: Nope I don't wanna answer that.
HolyManMoses: That's okay, my thoughts usually don't make sense to me either. But I know that at least God can untangle
them. :-)
HolyManMoses: Okay. Can I say something anyway?
x Jalessa x: Sure you can. Does that mean I need to say something back in response to it, though?
HolyManMoses: Not if you don't want to.
x Jalessa x: So go for it.
HolyManMoses: Okay. It's just that . . . we're all sinners. And in God's eyes, nobody is a greater sinner than anyone else.
And you can be angry with yourself about it, but what is more important is to be penitent . . . because all you have to do to
obtain forgiveness is ask for it and it will be granted.
x Jalessa x: I know . . . but I feel like I just keeping the same mistakes over and over again.
x Jalessa x: Well, I don't just feel like that, I know I do.
HolyManMoses: Do you do it on purpose? I mean, do you keep doing things over again even though you know they're
wrong?
x Jalessa x: Well . . . I don't do them *because* they're wrong. Because if I did, there's a whole shitload of wrong stuff I
could be doing that I'm not. But I don't know what you mean by doing it on purpose.
HolyManMoses: I guess . . . just that before you do it, you're in such a state of consciousness that you are fully aware that
what you're going to do is wrong--and your judgment isn't clouded by emotions, substances, etc.
x Jalessa x: Oh. All right.
HolyManMoses: Were you going to answer that?
x Jalessa x: I don't know.
HolyManMoses: You don't have to. I just wanted to know if I should be waiting or not.
x Jalessa x: I don't think it's the same thing every time. Doing it on purpose. Sometimes it might be, sometimes it might now.
x Jalessa x: *not* I mean.
HolyManMoses: Okay.
x Jalessa x: Well okay too.
HolyManMoses: I guess the first step is to try to resist . . . and it's going to be really hard at first, and it's okay to fail once in a
while . . . but it'll get easier, and you'll get stronger, the more you try. That is, if you really want to stop doing it.
x Jalessa x: I think the first step is to decide to resist.
HolyManMoses: Yes. You're right.
x Jalessa x: And I feel like I made the decision a whole buncha times already.
HolyManMoses: I guess I usually forget about that step because I get so hung up on the *trying* to resist part . . . because
that's the hard part, I think.
x Jalessa x: It is.
HolyManMoses: That's good. So now all you have to do is keep trying.
x Jalessa x: But, no, I don't make the same decision every time.
HolyManMoses: And just remember that no matter what, God will forgive you. And don't ever stop trying just because you
failed once. It's a constant struggle, and sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose.
x Jalessa x: Is there ever a sometime where it's a tie? =)
HolyManMoses: And I really feel as if I'm preaching right now, and I'm sorry about that. I'm trying really hard not to do that.
HolyManMoses: Yeah, I think so. :-)
x Jalessa x: It's all right.
HolyManMoses: I wanted to tell you that you don't have to answer my old e-mails if you don't want to.
x Jalessa x: All right. I don't remember them now. But I do remember that when I read them, there were things that I wanted
to respond to then.
x Jalessa x: But it might be different now, so maybe it's not worth it anyway.
x Jalessa x: There's just a buncha stuff that I don't want to talk about anymore.
HolyManMoses: I just want you to do whatever you're most comfortable. If you write, I'll enjoy hearing from you and I'll
respond. But I don't want you to feel obligated.
HolyManMoses: I understand that. Really I do.
x Jalessa x: There was still stuff from your letter that I didn't answer. Did you want me to respond to any of that at all?
HolyManMoses: You said that a lot of good came out of that whole Datura struggle, and then you said that you thought I
would know what you were talking about . . . and I'm not sure if I knew what you were referring to . . .
HolyManMoses: You don't have to respond to anything if you don't want to.
x Jalessa x: I just don't know what I should respond to.
HolyManMoses: I don't think that I can really tell you that. I don't even remember a lot of what I wrote in that letter.
x Jalessa x: Well if you don't know what I was referring to, you don't know.
HolyManMoses: Do you want to tell me?
x Jalessa x: Then it's all good. I don't think I even know where it as anymore anyway . . .
x Jalessa x: I don't remember everything I was thinking when I wrote that. I just remember that it was short-term stuff that
isn't true anymore, like going to church and stuff. And being shipped off by men in white coats.
HolyManMoses: Jalessa, you asked, "Ever feel like you know too much to understand something? . . . I think that's just how
I've been feeling a lot lately. The worst part is that I know I don't know that much. Maybe that's part of knowing too much."
HolyManMoses: And I feel that way a lot. But I'd never been able to put it into words, because I was afraid to even
presume to understand too much--because like you, I know that I don't really know that much. And sometimes it feels like
such a big lie to even pretend that I do . . .
HolyManMoses: You aren't going to church anymore?
x Jalessa x: No, I don't like going alone, so I just stopped going.
HolyManMoses: There isn't anybody you can go wtih? Or anybody that you've met at church that you could be with?
x Jalessa x: I just don't want to.
HolyManMoses: You don't want to go to church, or you don't want to go alone?
x Jalessa x: If I wanted to go, I'd go.
HolyManMoses: Why don't you want to go?
x Jalessa x: I don't know! I just *don't*.
HolyManMoses: Okay. I'm sorry.
HolyManMoses: I just feel like it's important . . . but I'm not going to force you or anything.
HolyManMoses: Nobody can do that.
x Jalessa x: Well I don't know what to say about that.
HolyManMoses: You don't have to say anything.
x Jalessa x: Then I'm doing a really good job. =)
HolyManMoses: Do you remember the part in your letter about being scared of not being alone?
x Jalessa x: Um . . . I wish I did.
HolyManMoses: You said you were scared of not being alone . . .
x Jalessa x: I don't remember. I'm sorry.
HolyManMoses: I think I feel that way sometimes. I'm not sure if I'm more scared of being alone or not being alone. I guess
it depends . . .
HolyManMoses: Do you still feel that way?
x Jalessa x: I don't even know what I could've meant.
HolyManMoses: It was in the same paragraph where you said you found out earlier that you thought you might have a baby.
And I never knew that, Jalessa.
x Jalessa x: Oh. There's a lot of things you don't know, I guess.
HolyManMoses: Well, I know that, at least.
x Jalessa x: Yes, you do. =)
HolyManMoses: In that same paragraph you also said that you thought all the reasons you'd ever loved anyone were wrong.
And I like to believe that there are no wrong reasons for loving . . . but I'm not sure if I really *do* believe that . . .
x Jalessa x: Now that I remember saying. I just don't remember what I was thinking . . .
HolyManMoses: But I guess I do think that if it is real love, there are no wrong reasons. And love can be clouded by other
things that might be "wrong", but the love itself isn't.
x Jalessa x: I guess. There can be different reasons, right ones and wrong ones. But what if it's all wrong?
HolyManMoses: Then I don't think it's really love at all.
x Jalessa x: That's what I was afraid of.
HolyManMoses: I don't know what to say about that . . .
x Jalessa x: That's okay. I'm not really sure where this conversation is going anyway.
x Jalessa x: I feel like I've only ever loved anybody because of how they make me feel, and I never bothered to think about
how I make *them* feel.
HolyManMoses: In the next paragraph you said you were afraid of going to hell. And I really really really don't think you're
going to hell. I don't think there are many people who do go to hell. Remember that when God makes His judgment, he
understands your position *completely*. He knows why you did what you did like nobody else can know--that's why he's so
forgiving and merciful.
x Jalessa x: I so do not want to talk about that right now . . .
HolyManMoses: But I think that everyone does that to a certain extent. I do. I try not to let it happen, but I can't help it.
We're only human.
HolyManMoses: I'm just uncomfortable with your reasoning that nothing matters because everything is disposable--and I
won't make you talk about it, but I just want to ask that you try rethinking it.
HolyManMoses: Okay, back to the love issue . . .
x Jalessa x: Sometimes I forget I can do that. Rethink things, I mean.
HolyManMoses: Then I'm reminding you. :-)
x Jalessa x: Well thanks =)
HolyManMoses: I think that even if you think that you love someone just because of the way they make you feel . . . but if
you still really *love* them--I mean, you care about what happens to them, and you do good things for them--the "reason" that
you love them doesn't keep those things from being good.
x Jalessa x: I guess.
x Jalessa x: Do you think it's possible to love someone you haven't met yet?
HolyManMoses: Yes.
HolyManMoses: Are you thinking about Dakota?
x Jalessa x: Yeah I am. I'm trying to figure out how real that love really is.
HolyManMoses: Why wouldn't it be real?
x Jalessa x: And I think maybe the reason I want him with me so badly is because it's purest love I've ever felt.
x Jalessa x: I don't know why it wouldn't.
HolyManMoses: I think it probably is, then.
HolyManMoses: I think it is a pure love--because you told me about some of the reasons you want him with you in the letter,
and they were selfless reasons.
x Jalessa x: But that's selfish too, then.
HolyManMoses: If it really is the puresent love you've ever felt, you'll strive to do what's best for him, not what you want for
yourself. And that can't be selfish.
x Jalessa x: But isn't it selfish to want him with me? Because what if he really is better off right where he is? What if he won't
be happy with me? And even worse, what if he's not happy with me and I don't even realize it because I'm too preoccupied
with how happy I'll be with him being with me?
HolyManMoses: I think that since these questions are raised now, you just have to force yourself to be sensitive to them. I
think that you have the right reasons for wanting Dakota with you--you want him to have a better life. But if he is unhappy with
you, or if he is traumatized by the thought of leaving his home, I think you have to let him make that decision. How old is he?
Seven?
x Jalessa x: I don't even know for sure. Six or seven.
HolyManMoses: That's old enough for a child to have an idea of what he wants. Maybe you shouldn't rush into it--I mean,
rather than take him back with you permanently, you might offer to let him stay with you for a couple weeks. And then ask him
how he feels about staying with you for a longer period of time--because by then he'll have enough of an idea to know both
sides and what he wants.
HolyManMoses: And if he says after having a chance to see what life with you is like that he still wants to go back, you have
to respect that.
HolyManMoses: Unless the situation in the Phillilpines is really bad--I mean emotionally or physically abusive. But if he is
loved there, and he wants to return, not going to school or not having a lot of money aren't the worst things in the world.
x Jalessa x: That's a really good idea. But more than I'm afraid he won't like living here, I'm afraid he won't like *me*.
HolyManMoses: I think he will. :-)
HolyManMoses: I like you. :-)
x Jalessa x: =)
HolyManMoses: And children are usually *very* open-minded. I don't think he'll have any reason *not* to like you.
x Jalessa x: That's true. I think it's just because I've known about him for such a long time, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't
know about me . . . and I don't really know what that has to do with anything. But it just doesn't seem fair somehow.
HolyManMoses: I'm really excited for you to be meeting him, Jalessa. Do you have the date set for your trip yet? And have
you got Chernon to go with you?
HolyManMoses: But you're changing all that by letthing him know about you. That's important.
x Jalessa x: I'm going on December 22. And I'm going to do my best to make Chernon go with me. =) We just want to find
out if it's okay with Mara and Tamahome.
HolyManMoses: Doesn't he have a right to go, whether or not Mara and Tamahome want him to, though? Don't get me
wrong--I'm glad you're respecting his family's and friend's wishes.
x Jalessa x: Sure he does, he just doesn't want to up and leave without letting them know.
HolyManMoses: Well, that's understandable. :-)
x Jalessa x: But he *will* go. Mark my words. =)
HolyManMoses: You know, the relationship you have to Chernon is the same as the one I have to Yasmare. Alison is both
of our sister.
HolyManMoses: lol. Okay.
x Jalessa x: Hey, wow, that's pretty interesting. What a complicated family tree to draw.
HolyManMoses: Yeah, no kidding . . . especially considering Alison has about nine half-siblings in Yasmare's family . . .
x Jalessa x: Wow. If she ever does draw that, I want to see it. =P
HolyManMoses: And that always made me wish that I knew Yasmare a little better, but I don't even think Alison knows her
very well . . . sometimes I feel like I don't even know Alison very well.
HolyManMoses: I don't think she'll be drawing it anytime soon . . . but if she has a kid, I can see it being the kind of thing that
they'd have to do in school. I remember having to draw a family tree in fourth grade . . . mine was pretty easy, though.
x Jalessa x: So what you need to do is get together with the two of them and pass out crayons and construction paper and all
draw your family trees!
x Jalessa x: I'm sure I had to do that, too, I just don't remember it.
x Jalessa x: Dakota will probably have to do that if he goes to school here.
HolyManMoses: I remember it because I only had to do half a tree, since I didn't know who my father was . . .
HolyManMoses: I think that today's family trees are a lot more complicated than most of them were twenty-five years ago.
x Jalessa x: I think so too. There's sooo many branches!
HolyManMoses: And a lot more dotted lines than there used to be. :p
x Jalessa x: Maybe it's nice to have a variety of trees.
HolyManMoses: I think it's important to accept a variety of trees, definitely. But I'm still an advocate of the nuclear family.
x Jalessa x: It definitely would make the assignment easier. =P
HolyManMoses: I want my kids to have an easy family tree. :p
HolyManMoses: Well, if I ever have kids . . .
x Jalessa x: That's a nice goal to have for you kids. =P I'd like my kids to have an easy family tree too.
HolyManMoses: LOL.
HolyManMoses: But I guess love is more important than easy family trees . . . it's just the best when you can have both.
HolyManMoses: How does Chernon feel about all this?
x Jalessa x: Yeah, I don't think I'd want to have an easy family tree just for the sake of having an easy family tree.
x Jalessa x: He hasn't really expressed much feeling about it actually. . . .
HolyManMoses: Okay . . .
HolyManMoses: It's probably taking a while to sink in.
x Jalessa x: I'm sure I'll find out eventually =) I'm not too concerned about it right now.
HolyManMoses: And it means he has to accept the fact that his father wasn't faithful to his mother--did he know that?
x Jalessa x: Yes he knew that.
x Jalessa x: I think mostly he's disappointed in both of them right now. Oh, and his mom's pregnant now, by the way.
HolyManMoses: Oh wow.
HolyManMoses: Well, he does have a lot of changes to get used to.
HolyManMoses: He's practically getting two new siblings overnight.
x Jalessa x: Yup. Except he's not really dealing with it. I can't explain it.
HolyManMoses: Maybe he just needs a little more time.
x Jalessa x: It's like he's more upset with his parents, and not really paying attention that there are children involved. Hopefully
that will change when he meets them.
HolyManMoses: I hope so. Maybe he just needs to deal with it one step at a time. Once he gets over being upset, he'll be
able to accept the children.
HolyManMoses: And I think that all you have to do is see a child for the first time to fall in love and forgive all the parents'
transgressions. :-)
x Jalessa x: Well, we'll see. =) He gets to meet his little brother in a few weeks, and his mom is due at the end of May.
HolyManMoses: Does it bother him that he hasn't met his brother before now?
x Jalessa x: That I don't know. I think it bothers him more that he has a brother that he didn't know about. I think if he knew
about him earlier, he would be fine with it. Well, not fine with it, but you know.
HolyManMoses: Yeah.
x Jalessa x: That boy does not like surprises. At all.
HolyManMoses: You know, I think that it bothers me more that I might have siblings I don't know about than it bothers me
that I don't know my father. I'm glad that you're jumping at this chance to meet Dakota. I think you'll both appreciate it--he'll
especially appreciate it when he's older.
x Jalessa x: What does that bother you more?
x Jalessa x: *why* I mean.
HolyManMoses: I guess because . . . it's not really their fault that they don't know me. I feel like my father could have done
something to know about me or to know me, but . . . they'd be more powerless. And I think it's our right to know each other.
And all my siblings are my half-siblings, but they're *so* important to me and I give and receive so much from them . . . that I
feel like by not doing the same with other siblings I have . . . it's just not fair. I'm not sure if this is making sense . . .
x Jalessa x: It is making sense. I get it.
HolyManMoses: Okay. Good. :p
HolyManMoses: But I don't know if there's anything I can really do about that . . .
x Jalessa x: About meeting your siblings, you mean?
HolyManMoses: Yeah.
x Jalessa x: So what can you do? You can try to find your dad, that's about all.
x Jalessa x: Do you think anyone else would know who your dad is besides your mom?
HolyManMoses: I don't know . . .
HolyManMoses: I have no clue. I know that I could actively search for my father, but is it really that important? My mom
obviously doesn't want to share any information about him, so maybe I should just leave it alone. I've been leaving it alone out
of respect for her--and because it seems ungrateful, somehow. I mean, I have a dad, and he is wonderful.
x Jalessa x: I wish I could help you think of something. I just realized how lucky I am that I was able to get the information I
have about my brother. But then, if I didn't, I wouldn't really know better, would I?
x Jalessa x: You want to know where you come from. That's not wrong.
HolyManMoses: Maybe things just happen the way that they're meant to. Maybe you found the information you needed on
Dakota because you were meant to, and maybe I'm not meant to know anything about my father. I'm afraid of what it would
end up saying about me.
x Jalessa x: But why do you want to know so much if you're not meant to know it? That's not very fair.
x Jalessa x: And I didn't understand that last sentence . . .
HolyManMoses: To teach me acceptance, maybe?
x Jalessa x: Maybe it's to teach you perserverance.
HolyManMoses: I mean . . . I feel like I know who I am, to a certain extent. I feel like a complete person. If I met my father
. . . I'd have to accept whoever he is as part of myself. And I'm scared of that . . .
HolyManMoses: Interesting point . . .
x Jalessa x: I dig that.
x Jalessa x: That's a tough one.
HolyManMoses: I usually don't think about it very much. But your imminent meeting with Dakota just got me thinking about a
lot of things over again, and they're not going away this time.
x Jalessa x: How long do they usually take to go away?
HolyManMoses: About a week.
x Jalessa x: And, so, how long has it been?
HolyManMoses: Almost a month.
x Jalessa x: Wow, man.
x Jalessa x: What if you found information on your father, would you want to meet him, or would knowing be enough?
HolyManMoses: I think once I started, it would be hard to stop. I think I'd want to meet him--I think he'd have some
explaining to do.
x Jalessa x: I think you need to do some searching, even if it's just to make those thoughts go away. Because how are they
going to go away otherwise? I think you'll just feel better once you know all the stuff you wanna know, even though it's
probably not stuff you wanna hear.
HolyManMoses: By my mom doesn't want me to know. And I don't want to go against her. It's not important enough to
hurt her for it.
x Jalessa x: So you don't think it's at least your right to know?
HolyManMoses: It's just more important to me not to hurt my mother than it is to know, whether or not it's my right.
x Jalessa x: Well then. How cool would it be to have a son just like you? =)
HolyManMoses: LOL. Thanks, Jalessa.
x Jalessa x: =) Anytime.
HolyManMoses: I think it'd be cool to have a sister just like you too. :-)
x Jalessa x: Wow, talk about complicated family trees. =P
HolyManMoses: LOL.
HolyManMoses: Jalessa, I need to be somewhere pretty soon--I think I'm going to have to sign off.
x Jalessa x: Okay then, I guess I have to be all noble and give you up now.
x Jalessa x: It was really cool talking to you. =) I'm glad you were on-line today.
HolyManMoses: I enjoyed the chat. Thank you.
HolyManMoses: I am too. :-)
HolyManMoses: I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
x Jalessa x: And you're in mine.
HolyManMoses: Thank you.
HolyManMoses: God bless. Take care.
