JUNE 27, 2004
This may probably be the most shallow thing I could
ever do -- but I'm going to do it anyway.
Rachel:
My first love. Truly. I made a lot of mistakes with her, but I
was always always honest. Until the end. When I told her
the Big Lie. It cost me everything and I haven't heard from her
since. Admittedly, I forgot about her quickly enough - but
sometimes memories come shooting back like torpedos. I feel like
there's so much we didn't get to do . . . and maybe I would jump at the
chance if I ever met up with her again. But maybe not. It
was so many years ago. I hate the what-ifs that go along with my
memories of her. I hate the not knowing.
Mara:
I honestly don't remember the momenbt I started falling for her.
It was a series of moments. It was any moments at all. It
was just her. I'd never felt so intensely or passionately about
anyone before. Feeling it so quickly after the loss of Rachel was
probably one of the main reasons I kept it quiet for so long. And
that the power of it rendered me incapable of articulating it for far
too long. Tamahome had a lot to do with it too. So did
embarassment.
Now, I couldn't say how I feel about her anymore. But I guess
I'll find out when I respond to her letter.
Jalessa:
She'll always be one of my dearest friends. As wacky and hyper as
she is - she is lovable and everlastingly loyal. As many times as
I've thought one of us had burned up the bridges between us, we always
manage to rebuild. I am incredibly grateful for her presence in
my life, in constant awe of her, and I don't think there's anything she
can't do. I could spend my life with her. But only as a
last resort.
Rose:
Why is it that she seems so mysterious to me? Maybe it's because
she was my first. Maybe it's because I don't seem to know the
first thing about her. Whatever the reason, I think she'll always
continue to mystify me. Whenever I'm with her I have this
constant lingering fear that I'm bungling things with her.
Probably because I do. I'm missing chances with her. And a
number of other things. I want to get to know her, so badly.
NoLee:
There's no doubt about it - this woman is beautiful. She could've
stepped out of a painting. I could make a list of all the things
that make her so gorgeous - but it'd be as obvious as pointing out the
sun. So I won't.
She's also incredibly smart too. And I'm not just saying that to
somehow counterbalance the superficiality of admiring her beauty.
It's the God's honest truth. She's beautiful and smart and
probably way too good for me. It's just as well anyway.
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JUNE 2004
[Lyla's note: There's picture of here
of Rose, not surprisingly, holding a rose.]
I'm not sure what to write about this picture of
Rose. So I'll let the picture speak for itself.
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JUNE 2004
I should probably write about Rose now, since I'm
with her. By "with" her, I mean close proximity to. Not
that we're together. I'm not sure if I'd like to be. Or not.
We haven't had sex. We haven't done anything
remotely close to it. That's all fine by me. Except
sometimes I do wish that what's between us is as hot and scandalous as
made out ot be on the mailing list.
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JUNE 2004
I find it so hard to believe now that I have ever,
in any way, found Mara to be fascinating.
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JANUARY 2004
I held Kai today for the first
time.
It's been over a year now since I told Mara
how I feel about her. Because of it, I feel like she can see
right through me. I regret it more and more all the time.
Kai is beautiful. He's
almost perfect.
I hate that I think all of this.
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DECEMBER 2003
Rose doesn't get it. I don't want to be coy
with her. I want to tell her everything and anything. I
want to tell her all of my truths and hear all of hers. That
alone makes me not want to screw this up. That alone makes me
think I already have.
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JUNE 2003
I looked on the calendar today and noticed that the
wedding anniversay is in a few days. I can hardly believe it's
been an entire year. An entire year since I've completely given
up hope. No, it's been longer than that.
I don't know I've pushed away everyone who has ever
meant anything to me. There's no one left to push away
anymore. Except the baby. That's why I can't be a part of
the baby's life. Because eventually I will push it away, just
like my father pushed me and Tamahome away.
My brother won't do it. He'll succeed where I
will fill. Where I have failed so many other times before
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FEBRUARY 2003
You think you're a new woman now, but how come all I
see is a selfish little girl? A brat who wants everything
to go her own way and pouts when they don't. I am so sick of
bending over backwards for you time and time again. Sick of
running for you. Always at your beck and call. I am not
your husband.
The old Mara would have been penitent today.
She would have seen past herself and straight into me, and been able to
figure it all out. The old Mara would have cared. I miss
the old Mara. I was in love with the old Mara.
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JANUARY 2003
New Year's Eve was a night I'll always
remember. Problem is, I wish I didn't.
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JANUARY 2003
In the dream I had, she
left me a letter that I tucked in these pages for later. I came
for it, but it's not here. Between waking and now, I had myself
believing she gave me
something I could keep.
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JUNE 2002
When is it supposed to start feeling real?
When is it supposed to start feeling like it truly happened? When
does the reality sink in? When will the world stop spinning and
when will my heart start beating again?
She's gone
now -- but she's never really
been here. I know -- I 've known -- that the only time I would
ever see the kind of true joy in a smile that I've always longed to see
in her face would be when I
was standing a few footsteps behind my brother, last night, when I had
to stop pretending. That I had been the one who was brave enough
to date her, that all the
songs she writes about my
brother were really meant for me, that we were going to someday ...
someday I don't know what. It all ended right then, but it had
never even started, because there was nothing to start, because to her
I'm just Big Brother Chernon. Best Friend. Neighbor.
Constant.
Nothing more. Forever, still. That's
something that my brother doesn't have, something he can't have.
That's the advantage I have over him. That I'm always going to be
the same to her, and that he's
the who's different to her now. That whenever he fucks up -- and
I know he's going to -- it's my
shoulder she's going to need
to cry on. It's my
arms she's going to need
around her. It's my
strength she's going to need
to comfort her.
But then when it's all over and all of her tears have been cried and dried
and I've given her words of wisdom and hope and I've hugged her good-bye -- it's him she's going to return
to.
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DECEMBER 2001
It doesn't feel like anything at all.
Nothing's different. Nothing's changed. Maybe it's the
distance. That's what it's always been.
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OCTOBER 2001
I told Tamahome today about Mom and he was extremely
annoying about it. As predicted. I guess I was being the
same. I jsut really need him right now. To be normal.
To be like he was. Before we were stupid enough to let a girl
come between us.
Times like these I wish she never existed. She's the reason I don't have my
brother right now.
I feel guilty as all hell for saying that.
Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes I wish Tamahome
never existed. EVen if I still couldn't have her all to myself.
At least I still have Mom.
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NOVEMBER 2000
Not a good time to mess with me, little
brother. America's Most Wanted is sleeping in my bed.
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SEPTEMBER 2000
I have these . . . I think about . . . I wonder . .
. I don't know what it is, but there it is.
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SEPTEMBER 2000
I don't want to disturb her
peace.
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AUGUST 2000
Jalessa finally convinced me to go to that strip
club with her last night but the only reason I agreed was so that she'd
stop bugging me about it. I know she's just trying to get my mind
off her.
It did work, for a few hours. I sat there the
entire time disgusted by men on behalf of my gender. Yes, I saw
that woman, okay, and yes she was extremely beautiful. I just
don't see the point in making a fool of myself by outwardly displaying
the attraction. I will never understand why so many men -- taking
note of the fact that arousal isn't so difficult to achieve to being
with -- must actively search for various ways to get turned on, be it
with strip clubs, porn stations, or smut magazines. None of that
is real.
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JULY 2000
Jalessa's kiss wasn't forceful like I thought her
kiss would be. I asked her why she did it and she just blinked at
me and told me she "just wanted to know what it was like" and she
shrugged out of my arms.
I don't understand just how someone who I know is in love with
someone else can do something like that. I don't understand how
someone who knows
that I'm in love with
someone else can do something like that.
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JULY 2000
Sometimes I will pretend that the songs she sings about my brother are
really about me.
Then I come to my senses. Stop myself
immediately. Before I get too lost. In imaginary
thoughts. But I could get into the habit of lying to myself.
It won't go that far.