The symptoms of panic disorder are many and I'm sure I have experienced all of them at one time or another. Sometimes the symptoms form a liaison and hit me with a double dose. I never know when I awaken each morning which one's turn it will be to strike the first blow. Whose turn it will be to try and make my day as miserable as possible. The one thing I do know is that one of them will be sure to put in an appearance.
'DIZZINESS'
I wake up and grope blindly for my slippers. The room spins, causing me to grab onto something to steady myself. What a way to start a day! I can't wait to see what the rest of the day holds in store for me. Why don't I just crawl back into bed and hope for a better tomorrow? If I had any sense I would. But then, I've never been credited with having good sense. Early in life I had been told that I didn't have the sense of a suckin' duck! So I stay up. If the dizziness doesn't hang around all day it will leave its aggravating counterparts...'Fuzzy Head'" and 'Blurred Vision' in its place. By the end of the day, I won't know if I'm coming or going. I hate the little buggers but I'm still capable of putting in a full day although most of it may pass in a blur.
'THE LUMP'
I accept an invitation to dinner. The restaurant is unfamiliar, but what the hell! I'll give it my best shot. The atmosphere is charming and it has a reputation for its excellent cuisine. As I munch on a breadstick I realize that the atmosphere and good food aren't the only elements present. 'The Lump' has taken up residence in my throat. Well, I'll scratch the steak I had planned on ordering. I'll order the French Onion soup and skirt around the mozzarella. A baked potato with sour cream and a piece of chicken, breast portion. A glass of water within easy reach and I'm all set. The steaks on my friends' plates sure look good. Look at them wolfing them down! They don't seem to have a care in the world. Meantime, I sit there cutting up my chicken into miniscule pieces. I chew it until it is reduced to a pulp. Chew!Chew! I'm sure I must be the world's champion masticator. But the main thing is that I do get ahead of 'The Lump'. It would take more than that for me to decline an invite to dinner. Begone, You Nuisance! I'll enjoy myself in spite of you.
'PITTY-PAT'
My heart is a very important part of my body and whether it is speeding along or taking its time, I'm just glad it's doing its job. Yet, there's always some nuisance around who can't bear to see things running smoothly. Here's where 'Palpitation' makes its entrance. What a rush that little pest can give me. After it's finished tampering with my heart, causing it to accelerate or slow down, making it pump out of rhythm or to skip beats, I'm a proper wreck. If I was excited at the time or anxious, I would understand it, but why bother me when I'm quietly reading or knitting? I know that it's a harmless intruder and will soon move on and I hope someday to not let it get the better of me.
'TREMBLING LIMBS'
I place my feet on the floor to begin a new day. They're steady. I hold my hands out in front of me. They're steady. What's happening here? No shaking? I must have finally done something right. Oh dear! I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. I'm so relaxed! I feel so great! So daring! I think this might be a good time to walk to the store, get some fresh air as well as a little practice. That's odd! Just as I thought of the word 'store'- as it passed swiftly through my mind, I swear I felt a stirring of apprehension. Oh, maybe it's just my imagination. I am so damned sensitized!! Off I go! The legs are still steady. The hands are fine. Not a quiver. Wait a minute! Was the route to the store this far away yesterday? Did someone relocate it overnight? My limbs seem to know what I'm thinking and they go into action..My steady-as-a-rock legs turn into wet noodles. My unquivering hands now shake like a bowl of Jello. Ah! So there you guys are. I knew you would appear before too long. But don't think you're sending me scurrying home. You should know better than that. You know I can walk to the store on noodle legs. Haven't I proven that time after time? Just when are you guys going to realize that I'm the winner in this game that you insist on playing with me? Go amuse yourself somewhere else!
'RIGOR MORTIS'
"Sit back and relax!" Why are people always saying that to me? Could it be that whenever I sit, it's always on the edge of my chair? Could it be that my arms and legs jut out at peculiar angles? My toes are permanently curled and would require surgery to restore them to their proper position. My fists clench and my neck muscles are rigid. I don't have blood coursing through my veins. No, I don't! There's this tiny gnome inside me with a mixer, who is constantly sending out concrete to every vital section of my body. My back aches, my legs ache, I have aches where I never thought I even had parts. I would love to relax...to lie down and have all tension drain from me. But no matter how hard I try, some part or other refuses to loosen its grip. When I pass from this world into the next, there won't be too much of a change in my appearance. I've been in a state of rigor mortis for years.
'SMOULDER & SHUDDER'
It's a beautiful, warm, sunny day. My neighbors are scantily clad enjoying the sun. And there I am, with goosebumps as big as eggs covering my arms and legs. My kids see the bumps and mutter something to the effect of "Geez, Mom's sure strange!" I'm inclined to agree with them for the simple reason that the next minute I can be seen fanning myself. I know I'm due to start menopause any minute now and that could be the reason for the strange behaviour, but, personally, I think my inner thermostat needs a complete overhaul.
'I DON'T VANT TO BE ALONE'
I hate being alone in the house late at night. Only once have I spent all night alone and at the time I didn't know that I would be alone, so I slept through the night, unaware of the fact. While my daughter was on vacation recently, I hoped my son wouldn't keep too many late nights. One night in particular, I waited for him to make an appearance, but it got quite late and I began to get anxious. I lay in bed with my ears cocked and straining to hear the door opening. Tension filled me and, one by one, the symptoms invaded my body. I found it difficult to take a deep breath. I began to shake and then I was up and pacing the floor. My heart beat out of rhythm and I was a mess! All kinds of dire predictions were going through my mind, horrible things were going to happen to me and there would be no one to come to my aid. And then I heard it. The turning of the door knob! And, voila! ALL SYMPTOMS DISAPPEARED! Just like that. Can you imagine? I became really mad at myself then for letting the symptoms get the upper hand and swore that I would never let myself get into that state again. But, well, you know...!
'CALL THE PLUMBER'
Something happens to my plumbing whenever I am in the process of getting ready to go outside my home. It's to the point where I'm exhausted before I even get through the door. I beat a path to the bathroom, back and forth, back and forth. Dribble, Dribble. Should my daughter be the one who is getting me for the day, she'll give me the warning. "We're leaving in 10 minutes, Mom. You have time to get to the bathroom 5 more times." Smart-aleck kid!
'CONCENTRATION'
At times I have difficulty concentrating while reading. I can sit and read page after page and not know what I have read. My concentration is nil. Yet, I love to read and always have a good book on hand. I think, maybe, I have a bit of obsessiveness within me that compels me to read every single word. I never skip a sentence or paragraph. I have a sister who can read an 800-page book in two days. It would probably take me two months to read the same book. But, so what! No one's perfect. Right?
'WHO WAS THAT WOMAN?'
Thank God this symptom doesn't come to the surface too often. I found it very difficult to deal with at the time. In fact, it frightened me out of my wits. I was doing my dishes when suddenly I felt as if I had left my body and was actually looking at myself doing the dishes. My initial thought was "This is the big one, Eileen. This is the one that will cause you to run and cover up your head, never to emerge again." But, like everything else, if you are exposed to something often enough, it can become matter-of-fact and you accept it. The feeling can still intimidate me, but it is never as frightening as that first time.
Perhaps the next time it happens, I just might engage my other self to help me with the chores and give me a break!
'GLOOM & DOOM'
I sit and wait. I do my chores and wait. I lie in bed and wait. What am I waiting for? I don't know! All I know is that I'm positive something terrible is about to happen. I try to shrug it off but the damn thoughts linger. How many weeks, months, years have I wasted, worrying and fretting about something that has never materialized? All the productive hours that were wasted, hours when I could have put in a full day, when I could have been lighthearted, instead of standing under a dark cloud. You would never believe some of the disastrous thoughts that have passed through my mind during those years. I wouldn't dare reveal them, lest I find myself in a rubber room. But thoughts are just thoughts and, as I stated, very few of them ever materialized. Yet, they can flit in and out of one's mind, creating tension and a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. If I could replace the disastrous thoughts with bright and cheerful ones, I would be grinning all day long. I'm working on it!
'POTPOURRI'
A pain in the chest area is a certain heart attack. A pain in my right arm doesn't count, but should it be in the left one, my anxiety rises. A headache suggests a possible brain tumor. Leg pains just have to be associated with blood clots. And on and on it goes. With every twinge, I can conjure up some disease or other that fits the ache or pain. Heart problems, strokes, cancer, diabetes, Meniere's Disease, Parkinson's Disease, etc. I thought I had all of these diseases at one time or another. Even to this day, when my concentration is off or I forget what I was going to say in the middle of a sentence, Alzheimer's Disease pops into my mind. I hope that as time passes and I develop new strengths, I'll be more capable of putting things in their proper perspective.
Although I have made light of the symptoms that invade my body, I certainly didn't intend to be flippant about them. But having a sense of humour is a necessity to me. It has gotten me through some really bad times. I know only too well how frightening those symptoms can be, how they can immobilize one and make each day a living hell. Only through educating myself on the disorder and talking to others like myself was I able to minimize some of my fears, to try and accept them and not to let them dominate. Yet, there are days when any or all of them are capable of giving me a 'rush'. I fervently wish for the day when they will be a thing of the past. When that day comes, I, for one, won't miss them!
