"Social Fears"
Fear Of Being Looked At:
Often this fear possesses no real content.Purely and simply,you become aware that another person is looking at you,[not staring, just looking]and get frightened. For example, in a group conversation you utter some remark and the others start to look at you.You feel uncomfortable and stop talking. Next step: Avoidance..In order to minimize the chance that people will look at you,you don't participate in conversations. Your fear may not confine itself to social situations. To avoid being looked at, you may hide behind a newspaper on trains or buses. Despite your continual avoidance attempts,people may still look at you. For this reason,in public places,you continually go around in a high state of tension. This same fear sometimes leads to difficulty in public speaking.
Fear Of People Seeing You Are Nervous:
Unlike the above fear, this one possesses content. You show your nervousness with outward manifestations like hand trembling, blushing,tremulous voice. Afraid others will notice these signs, you refuse invitations where you know the hostess will serve coffee,tea, liquor. If you accept, you take the glass or cup, place it carefully in front of you and do not pick it up again. You agonize over the worst thing that could happen...Someone says,"Your hands are trembling.How come you're so nervous?" With this fear you don't have to show the outward signs. Even a subjective feeling of anxiety can trigger the upset reaction.
Fear Of Being Found Out:
You think if people "really know you", if you are exposed for "what you really are" they will recoil and reject you. Many times you aren't even sure what qualities will be "exposed." However, some people can be quite specific. They'll find out,"I'm stupid, silly, evil,inept. Even if to some extent you are these things, that doesn't cause your fear.Fears aren't that reasonable.
This fear leads to avoidance of closeness. Your tender feelings frighten you because they may lead to closeness. When you get close to others and share your feelings, the threat of social exposure grows.
The result: The expression of tenderness and love by others as well as the expression of your own tender feelings may trigger the fear reaction and avoidance pattern.
Fear Of Doing Things Alone:
This fear is often associated with loneliness and depression. Usually it takes the form of a mild feeling of discomfort rather than intense feeling. For example,on a weekend afternoon you'd like to go to a movie or take a walk, but no one is available to go with you and you feel uncomfortable at the idea of going by yourself. Often you don't know what you're uncomfortable about but you give in to the discomfort feeling. Rather than do something alone, you stay home. If you're depressed, staying home will make you more depressed. If you're lonesome, it will not increase your chances of meeting someone new. In this fear area if you start a pattern of doing things alone and keep at it for a period of time, dramatic results often occur. Many people can't or won't do that.Instead they remain housebound with the thought,"Someone may see me alone and think I'm unpopular".
Fear Of Not Being Liked:
This is the most common interpersonal phobia and the most destructive. Often when people dislike you, you respond with guilt, thinking," I did something wrong! There must be something wrong with me or they wouldn't dislike me."To avoid this situation, you become the "patsy", the "always nice person". You do everything you can to keep people liking you,in the process often betraying yourself by suppressing your needs, not standing up for your rights and sacrificing your dignity. Closly allied and producing similar consequences is the fear of inadvertantly hurting others. Any self-expression,any standing up for yourself does carry a risk that the other person may react with hurt. So you never stand up for your rights.
With both fears you shift your goals. You cease to act in terms of your own objectives and self-respect; you substitute the goal to avoid being disliked...one that is most difficult to achieve. Remember, you don't represent the center of another person's universe. He/she does not respond solely in terms of what you may say or do. He has his own needs, feelings, hang-ups, pressures. He may have just won a big unexpected raise and he loves the world, including you, regardless of what you do or say. Or he may just have been unjustly fired and he hates the whole world..including you..regardless of what you do or say.
To learn more about social phobia and how you can be helped, go to the following web sites. I have found them very informative.
Mental Health Net
Panic/Anxiety Disorders
