Most of us are slightly anxious while in a social situation. It is
when the fear of social
occasions becomes too great that it can hamper activity.
As a child, I was a shy, timid soul. I would never volunteer
for some special activity because I lacked the confidence that
would assure me I could do a good job. There were no
close friendships, no giggling in corners, no linking together
of arms. When forced to participate in school plays or concerts
I still feel the tremendous heat in my face and the searching
for breath while attempting to recite my lines. I tried to
make myself as invisible as possible, never calling attention
to myself and rarely taking part in any extra-curricular
activities.
I carried this pattern of
behavior into my adult years until one day I discovered that if I
had a drink or two, I lost most of my inhibitions and could
compete with the best of them. But once I had my children,
I stopped drinking, not wanting them to go through what I
had to as the child of an alcoholic mother.
When I developed panic disorder, what little confidence I had hit
an all-time low.
Should I be out shopping and notice someone looking at me
(looking, not staring)I would become frightened and do a mental survey of what had caused
them to look. Were they laughing at my clothes,
my hair, my face? Could they see my shaking hands and legs?
At any social
gathering, I would rarely venture a comment although I might
have been well versed on the topic of conversation. Instead,
I would sit there, rehearsing over and over in my mind what
I would say, but that is where my opinions
remained...in my mind...I enjoyed playing cards but would
freeze when it was my turn to shuffle and deal. The cards
wouldn't fall into place in my hands as expertly as they had
when my partners dealt and should I drop them, I would flush
and actually feel faint.
Introducing people to one another was especially trying. Friends'
names that I'd known for years would evade me although I'd gone over them in my mind.
Sadly, I hadn't yet learned how to laugh at myself. All I felt
was humiliation and a sense of uselessness. When visitors
called, I agonized. Preparing a cup of tea for them was likened
to my scaling Mount Everest. I couldn't be more drained by the
time they left.
I loved to dance but had to
wait until the dance floor was crowded before I would venture onto it
and so, with eyes forever downcast, I went through life,
rarely allowing my eyes to meet those of others. As far as
I was concerned, everyone was a better mother, wife, homemaker, cook, etc.
Everyone seemed to excel in some field or another while
I just plodded along, eager to grab any scraps of praise or any
kind words that were thrown my way.
Three years ago I read an article on assertiveness.
The article made me
aware of my rights as a human being...rights that
I had given up or maybe thought I'd never had nor deserved.
It made me realize that I was governing my life so as to
never hurt anyone, ignoring the fact that I was hurting myself.
I wasn't telling others how I felt, which was selfish on my
part. It also made me realize that I had a right to courtesy
and respect from others and by not standing
up for my rights, I left the door open for others to use me.
Shortly after reading the
article, I decided to try and practice what I had read.
While walking through the mall, I held my head high and
looked back at those who looked at me. I smiled. I kept
repeating, "I'm just as good as everyone here! I am important!"
Everyone has a skeleton or two in the closet and although they
may be able to hide the fact outwardly, the fact still remains.
I've learned to say 'NO'- to be kind to myself and to accept my imperfections.
There are times when I falter, when that worthless feeling once again takes charge,
but I never forget that I'm a person of worth, productive in my own capacity
and although I may never set the world on fire,
I know I DO have rights...the rights that belong to every human being!
HOME 
I carried this pattern of
behavior into my adult years until one day I discovered that if I
had a drink or two, I lost most of my inhibitions and could
compete with the best of them. But once I had my children,
I stopped drinking, not wanting them to go through what I
had to as the child of an alcoholic mother.
When I developed panic disorder, what little confidence I had hit
an all-time low.
Should I be out shopping and notice someone looking at me
(looking, not staring)I would become frightened and do a mental survey of what had caused
them to look. Were they laughing at my clothes,
my hair, my face? Could they see my shaking hands and legs?
At any social
gathering, I would rarely venture a comment although I might
have been well versed on the topic of conversation. Instead,
I would sit there, rehearsing over and over in my mind what
I would say, but that is where my opinions
remained...in my mind...I enjoyed playing cards but would
freeze when it was my turn to shuffle and deal. The cards
wouldn't fall into place in my hands as expertly as they had
when my partners dealt and should I drop them, I would flush
and actually feel faint.
Introducing people to one another was especially trying. Friends'
names that I'd known for years would evade me although I'd gone over them in my mind.
Sadly, I hadn't yet learned how to laugh at myself. All I felt
was humiliation and a sense of uselessness. When visitors
called, I agonized. Preparing a cup of tea for them was likened
to my scaling Mount Everest. I couldn't be more drained by the
time they left.
I loved to dance but had to
wait until the dance floor was crowded before I would venture onto it
and so, with eyes forever downcast, I went through life,
rarely allowing my eyes to meet those of others. As far as
I was concerned, everyone was a better mother, wife, homemaker, cook, etc.
Everyone seemed to excel in some field or another while
I just plodded along, eager to grab any scraps of praise or any
kind words that were thrown my way.
Three years ago I read an article on assertiveness.
The article made me
aware of my rights as a human being...rights that
I had given up or maybe thought I'd never had nor deserved.
It made me realize that I was governing my life so as to
never hurt anyone, ignoring the fact that I was hurting myself.
I wasn't telling others how I felt, which was selfish on my
part. It also made me realize that I had a right to courtesy
and respect from others and by not standing
up for my rights, I left the door open for others to use me.
Shortly after reading the
article, I decided to try and practice what I had read.
While walking through the mall, I held my head high and
looked back at those who looked at me. I smiled. I kept
repeating, "I'm just as good as everyone here! I am important!"
Everyone has a skeleton or two in the closet and although they
may be able to hide the fact outwardly, the fact still remains.
I've learned to say 'NO'- to be kind to myself and to accept my imperfections.
There are times when I falter, when that worthless feeling once again takes charge,
but I never forget that I'm a person of worth, productive in my own capacity
and although I may never set the world on fire,
I know I DO have rights...the rights that belong to every human being!