SOCIAL FEARS
Most of us are slightly anxious while in a social situation. It is when the fear of social occasions becomes too great that it can hamper activity. As a child, I was a shy, timid soul. I would never volunteer for some special activity because I lacked the confidence that would assure me I could do a good job. There were no close friendships, no giggling in corners, no linking together of arms. When forced to participate in school plays or concerts I still feel the tremendous heat in my face and the searching for breath while attempting to recite my lines. I tried to make myself as invisible as possible, never calling attention to myself and rarely taking part in any extra-curricular activities.


I carried this pattern of behavior into my adult years until one day I discovered that if I had a drink or two, I lost most of my inhibitions and could compete with the best of them. But once I had my children, I stopped drinking, not wanting them to go through what I had to as the child of an alcoholic mother.

When I developed panic disorder, what little confidence I had hit an all-time low. Should I be out shopping and notice someone looking at me (looking, not staring)I would become frightened and do a mental survey of what had caused them to look. Were they laughing at my clothes, my hair, my face? Could they see my shaking hands and legs?


At any social gathering, I would rarely venture a comment although I might have been well versed on the topic of conversation. Instead, I would sit there, rehearsing over and over in my mind what I would say, but that is where my opinions remained...in my mind...I enjoyed playing cards but would freeze when it was my turn to shuffle and deal. The cards wouldn't fall into place in my hands as expertly as they had when my partners dealt and should I drop them, I would flush and actually feel faint.


Introducing people to one another was especially trying. Friends' names that I'd known for years would evade me although I'd gone over them in my mind. Sadly, I hadn't yet learned how to laugh at myself. All I felt was humiliation and a sense of uselessness. When visitors called, I agonized. Preparing a cup of tea for them was likened to my scaling Mount Everest. I couldn't be more drained by the time they left.


I loved to dance but had to wait until the dance floor was crowded before I would venture onto it and so, with eyes forever downcast, I went through life, rarely allowing my eyes to meet those of others. As far as I was concerned, everyone was a better mother, wife, homemaker, cook, etc. Everyone seemed to excel in some field or another while I just plodded along, eager to grab any scraps of praise or any kind words that were thrown my way.

Three years ago I read an article on assertiveness. The article made me aware of my rights as a human being...rights that I had given up or maybe thought I'd never had nor deserved. It made me realize that I was governing my life so as to never hurt anyone, ignoring the fact that I was hurting myself. I wasn't telling others how I felt, which was selfish on my part. It also made me realize that I had a right to courtesy and respect from others and by not standing up for my rights, I left the door open for others to use me.

Shortly after reading the article, I decided to try and practice what I had read. While walking through the mall, I held my head high and looked back at those who looked at me. I smiled. I kept repeating, "I'm just as good as everyone here! I am important!" Everyone has a skeleton or two in the closet and although they may be able to hide the fact outwardly, the fact still remains. I've learned to say 'NO'- to be kind to myself and to accept my imperfections. There are times when I falter, when that worthless feeling once again takes charge, but I never forget that I'm a person of worth, productive in my own capacity and although I may never set the world on fire, I know I DO have rights...the rights that belong to every human being!

by Eileen Power �1991


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