I think that most mothers who have panic disorder and other related disorders go through agonizing periods of guilt where their children are concerned, and I'm no exception. For many years I tried my best to raise my two children alone and there were many times when I knew I didn't measure up to many other mothers...mothers who could take their children shopping, to ball games, the circus and for walks in the park. But time passes and the children get older and eventually venture out on their own, secure and well-adapted despite your short-comings in certain areas.
Nine years ago my daughter informed me that she was getting married. I immediately seized up inside, projecting my thoughts towards what planning a wedding entails...the shopping for a gown, selecting all the accessories, the wedding showers, rehearsals, receiving line, the reception, all those people. But what really almost put me over the edge was when my daughter asked me to walk her down the aisle.
Several weeks passed. I was in a constant state of heightened anxiety. From the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night I was unable to think of anything else. Although I tried to hide my agitation, I didn't always succeed, so when my daughter and her husband-to-be came to me one evening and told me that they had decided to get married in Florida, instead of feeling tremendous relief, a dark cloak of guilt descended upon me. I told myself that they were doing this for me...to put me out of my misery and when I tearfully voiced this they assured me this wasn't so. They had decided, for ecomomic reasons, that this would be more feasible. They would be married and have a honeymoon there as well.
Plans were made and although I was unable to shop with my daughter when she went to choose her gown, I did go to the store where alterations were being made and we spent some time choosing accessories etc. I helped her select her bridal bouquet and prepared a buffet for fifty family members and friends. The ball of guilt got smaller with each task I accomplished.
Because I live in Canada and was unable to fly down to Florida, I missed seeing my only daughter get married but the choice was hers and I finally accepted that.
You know, we try to do what we can for our children and many times we succeed and some times we fall a little short, but as your children get older and gain some knowledge of what it must have taken you to raise them to adulthood, there develops a special closeness; a solid binding. They realize that you struggled each day to raise them to be responsible citizens as well as instilling in them a compassion for others whose mothers can't be super-moms. And most of all, a penchant of understanding that we all don't march to the same drummer's beat.
� Eileen Power 1999
