Functioning With Fear
If you're like me,you'd like to be able to do the simple things...go places...be a part of the social scene...function like you once did. But the fear is keeping you from doing these things. You probably feel cheated and frustrated. Well, maybe I'm not the one to be giving advice because I still don't go anywhere alone, but at least I'm going. Oh sure! The fear goes with me but I'm not staying at home bemoaning my fate. I've had enough of that.There are still some places I don't go but I do go further than my clothesline and I consider that a success. Yes...the fear and symptoms go with me and although I've found myself in some frightening situations,I'm none the worse for wear.
We shouldn't wait for a day when we're free from symptoms because heaven only knows when that day will come and so much precious time will be wasted. So we take the symptoms with us. You can shop for groceries with feelings of unreality.I float around the market suspended several inches from the floor and with vision so blurred that that it's difficult to read the price tags and labels. People pass by me as I weave and sway and I don't care if they should glance my way because I'm on a mission and nothing or no one is going to stop me.I feel like I'm in a vacuum...a robot but I'm out there, not writing a list for someone else to fill for me.I've had enough of that!
I can't remember a time when I walked through that market without some symptom or another. But I continue to go there because I have the same symptoms while in the safety of my home so why not be doing something constructive? And I refuse to allow this disorder to get the better of me.I've had enough of that too. Years of avoidance and excuses; anything to keep me from having to face the outside world.
Several interesting things have happened while I've been there. For example,take the cheese display.I was standing there one day when the fear got the better of me and I grabbed for the cheese closest at hand. When I got home, I discovered that I had paid six dollars for that hunk of cheese and it wasn't even my favorite brand.I was furious with myself! Each time I went back to that market my anxiety would rise as soon as I approached the cheese display. I would rush past it and curse myself and the cheese. But the day came when I told myself that enough was enough...that I had to stop this and now! And I made myself stand there while I selected the piece I wanted and which was more suited to my budget.I was never bothered by it again.
Now, we're talking about a simple piece of cheese here but this could be applied to just about anything that keeps us from doing what we like and enjoy. Take socializing, for example. For many years I put aside my love of dancing because of fear...fear of symptoms and fear of people.How would they look at me...judge me...think that I wasn't 'normal'. How very foolish of me for thinking that way.I must have really thought I was something to have every eye in the place focused on ME!
What an egotistical attitude! So now I had to work on building up my self-esteem..no easy task but it can be done. No matter how many times you're told that you're useless and that you'd never amount to a hill of beans, you can overcome and become a person of worth and importance to yourself and others.
So off I went with a friend for a night of dancing. So I was dizzy and I stumbled on the dance floor and my heart beat crazily but what the hell! I was dancing! I was giving my symptoms a workout; making them work overtime. Sure, I know it would be easy to give in to the pounding heart, the dizziness and faintness and all the other damned symptoms but I didn't intend to. I was having fun despite and I was tired of letting the symptoms get the better of me and spoiling so many fun times. And at some point in the evening I found that my excitement had crowded out most of the discomfort and I felt young and carefree again.Maybe it would only last for a short while but I intended to enjoy it while I had the chance.
Please try and go with the fear.Honestly, if I can do it, anyone can. So you have a multitude of fears but at least you're out there and not cowering indoors. So, give it a try! Your shaky legs will carry you...your heart won't explode and I haven't heard of anyone passing out because of any of the symptoms. I wish you all the best. It isn't easy, I know but we are survivors of the finest degree!!
Eileen Power
copyright 1999
