I have often wondered what it would be like to awaken in the morning with a feeling of well-being. To tell myself that God was in His heaven and all was right with the world. To have something to look forward to.
Those feelings are not a part of my day. From the moment I open my eyes, a terrible dread and apprehension fills me. I lie there trembling, with my heart beating madly and my lungs straining to take a deep breath. Another day to face and if it is like yesterday and the days before that, I don't have much to look forward to. Every day is the same since I had my first panic attack.
I lie there, wishing for a few minutes respite. I hear the childish chatter of my children coming from the kitchen. I have to pull myself together for them. They mustn't know how I feel. They are eager to begin another school day.
I gather what strength I can and rise. I pray that God will see me through yet another day. My shaky legs threaten to give away beneath me. I know they won't. They never have before.
I get washed and dressed as quickly as possible. My day has started. I prepare breakfast with hands that tremble. My children don't notice. I have my act perfected. I tie a ribbon in my daughter's hair. I straighten my son's tie.
I try to delay their departure. I tell them it is too early yet for them to leave, but they are eager to go. They are filled with the excitement of their own day. I dread for the door to close behind them. I know what will happen when it does.
I'm being kissed goodbye. "Please don't go! Stay here with me!" My silent plea rings in my ears as they go through the door. Silence descends on me. I'm alone!
I stand and wait. I'm filled with fear! My already rapid heartbeat quickens! I'm unable to take a deep breath! I grab for a chair as dizziness washes over me. All the blood in my body seems to have gone to my head. Surely it will burst from the pressure! I feel like I'm losing control. I want to run! But where can I go? No one understands my problems. I'm all alone with this. Oh, God, please help me! I'm so afraid! My vision is blurred. Everything around me seems unreal! I'm going to die! No one can feel this way and live!
I open a window and gasp for air. I wait and pray for relief. For my heart to quieten. For my breathing to slow.
I'm feeling a little more relaxed. The panic is beginning to subside. Maybe the worst is over.
Total exhaustion overtakes me now. I feel so weary. I so desperately want to lie down. I can't do that. I can't give in. It will be too difficult to get up again.
I slowly tackle my chores. There seems to be so much to do. I long for someone to hold me. To tell me that everything will be all right. But there is no one.
Surely there has to be someone whom I can talk to about this. Surely someone else is suffering as I am. If I knew there was, I wouldn't feel so alone. So scared.
Time slowly passes as I do my housework. The children will be home to lunch soon. I won't be alone then.
I wish for the day to be over. I long for rest. I long for sleep. Sleep is the only way to blot out the nightmare of today. I won't think about tomorrow. Or the next day. I won't think about the fears and the mental agonies. For a few hours I will lose myself in blessed nothingness. A few hours. That's all I ask. A few hours of peace from this hell I'm living. A hell called AGORAPHOBIA!
by Eileen Power
�copyright1987
