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Title: Where are You?

Author: Jera

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Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: George Lucas owns the characters and all the money so please don't sue. dedication: to Dez for the title

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Obi-Wan groaned as a fresh wave of pain hit him. He had no idea how long he had been unconscious for this time, but the pain seemed to pass more quickly than before. He did not think they had come for him for quite a while. He pressed his cheek on the rough floor he was lying on and then, slowly, eased himself up into a sitting position against one of the stone walls.

He did not know how long he had been in this place, though he thought it to be no more than a lunar cycle it felt more like forever. The time before this place seemed to be slipping from his memory, as if his brain could not accept that he knew of a time without pain. He forced himself to remember how he got here. He and his master had been on Talok 3, negotiating a peace treaty between the Gagh and the Yanorans. The peace talks had not gone as planned and when the Gagh had decided to end the peace talks by blowing up the Yanorans all hell had broken loose. He and his master had been caught inside when the building collapsed. The last thing he remembered was being hit by rubble. Then he had woken up here, he did not even know who was holding him. He was cut off from the force by the thing they had put in his head and he had a blindfold which had proved impossible to remove. He did not even know if his master was alive. He was alone, totally alone.

At first they had interrogated him, demanding answers he did not know. They had tortured him then, first he had been beaten with bats and rope, hung from ceilings until he thought his arms would be torn from his body. Starvation and drugs came next. They had injected chemical concoctions into him but still were unsatisfied with his answers. They had shorn his hair and taken his precious Padawan braid. They had fried his nerves, or worked on a single piece of his body until he thought he would welcome death. He had lost consciousness so many times. That had become almost a pleasure, sleep in such pain was impossible, it was only when unconscious that the pain went. They had not come for a while. He did not know how long, but now he could hear them coming again. He could make out four sets of footsteps, heavy and loud, coming for him. What would they do to him now?

In his quarters on Coruscant Qui-Gon Jinn paced. His emotions were in turmoil, fear, anger, every emotion he should let go, seethed in him. His Padawan had been missing for three weeks and he was stuck here, unable to help. After the collapse of the building on Talok 3 Qui-Gon had woken up in a medical facility, but there had been no trace of Obi-Wan. He, himself, had been seriously injured but his Padawan had not been found. Qui-Gon refused to think of the possibility that Obi-Wan could be dead * I would have known * he thought miserably, yet he could not find Obi-Wan in the force. He was sure either the Gagh or the Yanorans were holding his apprentice, yet the Council had refused to allow him to search for him. They said he had only been out of the care of the healers for a week, and that they were searching, but Qui-Gon had never felt so helpless in his life.

Suddenly his comm unit beeped. The incoming message was from Mace Windu. They had a trace on a possible location for Obi-Wan! At last, he was able to do something. He had been requested to join Mace at the docking pad. He gathered the few things he thought he might require and hurried towards the pad. * I’m coming Obi-Wan * he thought, * I’m coming for you. *

Obi-Wan stayed still as the four guards entered his cell. He recognised their voices, as being those of his regular torturers but tonight their voices appeared slurred and Obi-Wan could smell the alcohol they had drunk. The fear inside Obi-Wan began to rise as they laughed at him. Finally one of them spoke, “Well, little one, I guess you thought you’d been forgotten about, didn’t you? A few decisions have been made y’see. Yous ours now, no more questions are gonna be asked and we’se gonna take care of you.” Their laughter at these words chilled Obi-Wan to the bone. Within minutes of their arrival they had stripped Obi-Wan’s ragged clothing off him and forced him onto his hand and knees. The movements sent new waves of pain through his body but it was his mind that screamed the most. He could not believe this was happening * Master, where are you * his mind called out but as the first hands began to touch and probe him he no longer believed his master would come for him.

The next hours were worse than anything that had come before. The first guard knelt over Obi-Wan, he felt the guard’s breath hitting his shoulder in hot, heavy waves; he heard the heavy sound as the guard’s trousers hit the floor. The sweaty hand grabbed him and his memory of the next actions was vague, all he could remember was the pain as the guard’s cock forced its way into his body. Once the first guard was done the others took their turns, until he finally lost consciousness. He felt himself roughly shaken back to consciousness and then words which struck terror into his heart were uttered as the guards left the cell, “See you tomorrow night, little one.”

Qui-Gon sighed as he stood in the cockpit of the transport that was taking himself and Mace Windu towards Canara, a planet controlled by the Gagh. The Jedi had found a trail which indicated that it was the Gagh who had taken Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon knew of how the Gagh usually treated their prisoners and could not release the icy ball of fear, which had lodged in his heart. Only Mace and himself had come to Canara because they were heading into a dangerous war zone where citizens of the Republic were no longer welcome. They would spend two more days in hyperspace until they reached Canara and the time was wearing hard on Qui-Gon. He concentrated on his feelings and tried to release his fear, but he found it impossible. He had not thought he would care as much about another being as he did about Obi-Wan.

“Try and calm down, my friend,” the voice that broke into his thoughts was Mace Windu’s. “Worrying isn’t going to get us their any faster.” “I know,” Qui-Gon sighed, “but he has been missing for over three weeks. Anything could have happened to him.” “We will find him, Qui-Gon. We will.”

Obi-Wan lay, curled in a ball, in the corner of his cell. His mind had closed off any memories except those of the past nights. He felt as if he had always been here and that he would always be here. On his breath he felt their taste, where they had forced themselves into him, hands on the back of his head, forcing his face into their groins. Obi-Wan would have welcomed death with open arms now.

It was dark when Qui-Gon and Mace began their search. They had first gone to the information dealer who had first told the Jedi that he knew where the Gagh held one of their number. For a price the dealer had given them the address and now they were headed into the building. Using the force to conceal their movements Qui-Gon and Mace began a systematic search of the building. They chanced upon a mess hall where a number of Gagh were eating and laughing. Concealing themselves Qui-Gon and Mace listened to their conversation. After a few minutes four guards stumbled into the room, drunk and in good humour. One of the other Gagh called out to them, “How’s your little Jedi this evening?” Another called, “When are you gonna start sharing him around?” This elicited laughter from the rest of the group and Mace had to grasp Qui-Gon to stop him from revealing himself.

The two Jedi moved silently away and went to search for a cellblock. “We are merely here to rescue the boy,” Mace warned Qui-Gon. “We cannot take retribution for their actions, no matter how much they deserve it.” Qui-Gon simply nodded and they began to search. They looked in the lower levels of the building and there they found a series of cells. They quickly despatched the two guards on duty and then Mace checked in the computer record. “Cell 137,” he said quietly. Within minutes they had found the cell and broken down the door. What they found stopped them in their tracks. The small, huddled, form in the corner of the room looked nothing like Qui-Gon’s Padawan. The form was covered in blood and filth and on first appearances appeared dead. Qui-Gon rushed to his apprentice’s side, horrified by what he saw. His Padawan was barely breathing and his pulse was very weak. Qui-Gon wrapped the boy in his cloak, tears in his eyes as he hugged Obi-Wan to his chest. Mace said nothing, merely cleared the way for a quick retreat to their transport. Within three hours of their arrival on Canara they were gone again. In the transport Qui-Gon sat in silence, holding his Padawan tightly * I promise you, Padawan * his mind said to the still form of his apprentice * I will never let this happen to you again. I ’m here for you, I’m here for you. *

Chapter 2

Qui-Gon sat outside the healers’ inner sanctum, outwardly appearing calm but inside his feelings surged like a maelstrom. During the return trip to Coruscant Obi-Wan had not regained consciousness and, in return, Qui-Gon had not slept as he remained at his Padawan’s side. Although he and Mace Windu had cleaned and treated Obi-Wan’s body they had not dared to remove the device the Gagh had implanted in him.

Now the healers had taken his Padawan. He did not know how long he had sat there but he was not moving unless it was to see his apprentice. As he sat Qui-Gon tried to study his feelings, the emotions that were battling within him. He had never allowed anyone to get so close to him before yet his affection for his Padawan had crept through his shields as if they were not there. He had taken two Padawans before this yet neither had effected him like Obi-Wan had managed to.

Finally a voice broke through his thoughts, “Master Qui-Gon?” He looked up blankly at the woman standing before him. “Master Qui-Gon,” she repeated and then, apparently satisfied that she had his attention, she continued. “My name is Calne’rel. We have finished treating Padawan Kenobi’s injuries but…” “I can see him now?” Qui-Gon interrupted brusquely. “Soon, there are some things you need to understand first. Although your Padawan has regained consciousness we haven’t as yet removed the device implanted in him. He is totally unresponsive, and although we have healed his physical injuries, it is the psychological effects of what has happened to him we are concerned about and those at the moment we cannot help him with. We cannot remove the implant until his mental health is assured but we cannot help him until the device is removed.” Her words were spoken gently but Qui-Gon’s spirits dropped even further as the words sank in. “Can I see him now?” his words were a broken whisper. “Of course,” she hesitated and then continued, “if you’d come this way.”

Obi-Wan was lying motionless on the bed Qui-Gon was led to. Although Obi-Wan was very thin it was not his physical appearance that concerned Qui-Gon. As he lent over his Padawan he looked at his eyes. They were open, but appeared unfocused and, worst of all, the spark of life in them was gone. He swallowed his fear and sat next to him, hoping against hope that his presence would reach Obi-Wan.

Outside the room where Qui-Gon sat with Obi-Wan, Mace Windu and Yoda had arrived. Although both seemed calm they were concerned for the pair. Mace Windu turned towards the healer who had informed them of Obi-Wan’s condition. “What do you suggest now?” The healer shook his head and shrugged slightly, “We are uncertain. We can do nothing more for the boy at the moment. Until we can get through to him, we can do nothing more. We believe it would be best to turn him over to Qui-Gon. If he cannot reach his Padawan we certainly cannot.” “Much danger in this path there is,” Master Yoda said slowly. “Much anger and fear there is and will be.” “There are no other options,” Mace Windu pointed out.

So it was two hours later that Qui-Gon and his Padawan were on their way to Altara. Qui-Gon had suggested this planet once he had been informed of the healers’ opinion. Altara was a sparsely populated planet and the Jedi had a retreat there used for training purposes. The pair would be able to remain there for as long as was necessary. The healers had told him not to remove the device until he was sure that Obi-Wan understood where he was and what had happened. He has also been told that the process could take a very long time. * Or not at all * Qui-Gon thought grimly. Obi-Wan had recovered enough to be able to walk but he did not do anything for himself. If Qui-Gon led him he would follow, but he never initiated anything himself and seemed unaware of his surroundings.

A week had passed on Altara without any sign of change in Obi-Wan. Although they had been to Altara only once before Qui-Gon knew how much Obi-Wan had enjoyed the place and he had hoped their return might have provoked a reaction in his Padawan. During this week they had begun to settle into a routine. After forcing Obi-Wan to eat some food, Qui-Gon would lead him down to the lake and they would spend the day outside, returning to the cabin to eat and sleep. At first Qui-Gon had tried to keep talking to Obi-Wan but as the days wore on he too had become silent. Now he noticed they had sat by the lake until it was very late and they ought to return to the cabin. He stood up and stretched slowly and then reached back down to pull Obi-Wan to his feet. He was shocked when he felt resistance from his Padawan, who gaze remained on the lake in front of them. Slowly Qui-Gon sat back down next to his apprentice. They continued sitting for hours until at last Obi-Wan fell asleep. Qui-Gon pulled Obi-Wan close to him and wrapped them both in his cloak, his heart soaring with hope once more. It was a small start but it was a beginning.

Obi Wan was in pain. He could hear the guards, they were coming for him again, and they were going to…. His mind turned away, hiding from the pain, fear and anger that enveloped him. Then he had caught a glimpse of something else and for a moment he had been sure he was no longer in the cell, he was by the lake at…. His mind protested at that telling him that he had always been in this cell and he would never leave this pain. Yet another part of him argued that what he had seen had been real. He slowly drifted off to sleep, waiting for the guards to return. When he woke up he was sure he was dreaming still. He felt cold, yet also safe. He tried to sit up, to see where he had been taken but he could barely move. His mind began to panic but a voice in himself made him calm down. He was not trapped merely tangled in a blanket. He could see he was outside next to a lake. Somehow he thought he recognised this place but he brushed that impossible thought away.

As he slowly disengaged himself from the blanket he noticed the man sleeping next to him. He saw no one else around and wondered why the guards had brought him here and what would this man do to him. At that thought he took one more look around, searching a trick and then ran. Even as his mind screamed that the guards would only capture and punish him something deep inside him forced him on. He hoped he could get far enough away that the guards would not find him. He would find a place where he was safe.

Qui-Gon eventually woke up. The days of looking after and worrying about his Padawan had left him more exhausted than he had realised and the relief of seeing Obi-Wan’s reaction last night had caused him to oversleep. At the thought of his apprentice Qui-Gon sat up quickly. Obi-Wan was no where in sight. At first Qui-Gon rejoiced. Again Obi-Wan had shown independence of thought. He must have returned to the cabin for food. Qui-Gon got up and walked to their cabin but when he arrived he could not find his Padawan. Soon he had searched every where he could think of and grown hoarse from calling his Padawan’s name. But Obi-Wan was nowhere to be found.

Chapter 3

Finally Obi-Wan stopped running. He did not know how long it had been, but now he was hungry and so tired. He could see the sky getting dark and he shivered as a new wind blasted cold air across his body. He had to find shelter soon. He felt drawn in one direction and began to follow his sense, still keeping a lookout for any sign of the guards, still not believing that he could have escaped. He halted as he stared at the cave opening, which had appeared in the hill he was climbing. Somehow it appeared familiar, he was wary of this feeling but another blast from the cold wind convinced him that this cave would suffice. He settled into a corner of the cave and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

After an hour of searching Qui-Gon was forced to give up. He finally headed back to the cabin to contact the healers on Coruscant, hoping to find some explanation for his Padawan’s disappearance. Within minutes he had explained the situation, forcing the concern out of his voice to give a calm report. The healers quickly discussed the events and the turned back to Qui-Gon. Calne’rel spoke first, “It would appear that his mind has returned to conscious state. It could be that the trauma of the last few weeks has affected his memory, it is possible that he could be trying to find somewhere he feels safe. Is there anywhere you went on your first journey to Altara that you have not searched?” Qui-Gon thought quickly, “Only the cave we spent the night in once, during a storm, I’ll check there next. “Be careful, when you find him, “ another of the healers warned. “He is very unstable at the moment.” “Of course. May the force be with you.” Qui-Gon finished. “And with you, “ the healers replied as he broke the connection. Quickly Qui-Gon gathered some blankets, food and a medical kit. The cave he had mentioned to the healers was a long way from the cabin and it would take him until near nightfall to reach it.

Obi-Wan woke up suddenly. He felt even colder than before and shivered miserably. A loud thundercrash rang out and he jumped violently. He crept to the front of the cave as the crash echoed around. As he watched a lighting fork flashed across the sky followed almost immediately by another rumble of thunder. Obi-Wan stared at the sky and then held his head as images violently came to his mind. He saw himself and the man he had run from, saw them here sheltering in this cave, saw them together side by side. He cried as his memories came flooding back. Obi-Wan curled himself back in his corner and cried as he felt the memories come back. He had betrayed all that he was, his anger and fear showed that he could never be a Jedi, and he rocked at the shame he felt at running from his Master. He lay on the cold floor of the cave, not caring if he ever saw daylight again.

Qui-Gon increased his pace as the thunder crashed again. He was only a short distance from the cave now but the storm was close to breaking. He remembered the last time they had been on Altara. He and Obi-Wan had been planning on camping but when the storm had come they had had to find shelter. It was Obi-Wan who had found the cave where he was headed now. Qui-Gon prayed that this was where his Padawan was. He would need shelter from this storm. Just as the first rain began to patter down he found the cave entrance. Setting up his lamp quickly he scanned the cave. At first he thought it was empty but then he saw a small bundle in the corner, nearly completely hidden from sight. He quickly went over to his apprentice.

At first Obi-Wan tried to curl up into a tighter ball when he felt the touch on his shoulder but he was so exhausted he was barely able to resist and felt himself being gently turned over. “Obi-Wan?” Qui-Gon questioned gently, swallowing as he saw the new cuts and bruises Obi-Wan had collected during his flight. Yet his eyes seemed to contain the spark of life that had been missing from them in the past week. Obi-Wan stared back at Qui-Gon. He had never felt so unworthy of the man he had called Master, yet he forced himself to reply, “Master?” At that reply Qui-Gon hugged the young man close to him, relief choking him beyond words. He stroked his Padawan’s head, the spiky hair only just beginning to regrow, the braid Obi-Wan had earned the right to have missing. Then Obi-Wan spoke again, his voice cracked and broken with emotion, “I’m so sorry, Master. I’ve failed you, I’ve failed you….” His words trailed off as tears started to flow again. Qui-Gon looked in amazement at his apprentice. No matter how much pain he was in, Qui-Gon had never seen Obi-Wan cry before and his pained words shook Qui-Gon to the core. “Padawan, look at me,” he replied gently, yet firmly. Once Obi-Wan had raised his eyes he continued. “Padawan, you have not failed me. What has happened is not your fault, do you understand me?”

Obi-Wan dropped his eyes again, unable to believe his Master’s words. Sighing Qui-Gon reached for the medical pack. If he removed the implant he could convince Obi-Wan that his words were true and he could help his apprentice heal from this trauma. Yet this path was also dangerous. Qui-Gon was not a trained healer and he knew that if he linked their minds too deeply there could be serious consequences. He found the equipment he needed and then turned back to his Padawan. “Obi-Wan, I’m going to remove the device implanted in you. Do you understand me?” The only reply he received was a slight nod, but Obi-Wan did not resist as Qui-Gon gently moved him until he was sitting in front of him. The device was not difficult to remove and it only took Qui-Gon a few minutes before the device was resting in his hands.

Obi-Wan shuddered as he felt the force returning to him, the emotions he had experienced in the past weeks made him feel so unclean that he dared not reach out to touch the force, which had always comforted him. Qui-Gon sighed in relief as he felt Obi-Wan’s essence return to its place in the force. The trauma had left Obi-Wan without shields and Qui-Gon shuddered slightly at the images Obi-Wan was broadcasting. Reaching out gently through the force Qui-Gon sent a small tendril towards his apprentice. file://Obi-Wan, can you hear me?// He sent waves of reassurance and his caring for his Padawan through this tenuous link. Obi-Wan gasped slightly and then reached out blindly towards Qui-Gon, needing physical, as well as mental reassurance. Soon Qui-Gon had settled him in his arms and then gently sent file://Show me what happened to you, Padawan \\ At first Obi-Wan refused, unwilling to share the shame of what had happened to him, but his Master continued to send him reassurance and slowly Obi-Wan began showing Qui-Gon what had happened to him, holding nothing back but unable to put anything into words. Qui-Gon grimaced at the images and feelings he saw, and had to fight down the anger he felt at the men who had done this. Once Obi-Wan had finished Qui-Gon held simply held him and then gently showed him what he had done, during the time they had been apart. He allowed Obi-Wan to feel the anxiety Qui-Gon had felt, how frantic he had felt when they could not find Obi-Wan, the anger he had felt at the Gagh when they did, whilst constantly reconfirming his pride and affection for his Padawan.

Finally, Qui-Gon reduced their link, convinced that his Padawan was on the way to being healed. He wrapped his cloak around the small body and then covered them both in blankets. Obi-Wan allowed himself to be covered and huddled close to his Master, his joy in the knowledge that he had not failed his Master making him almost completely forget the past few weeks. The next morning Qui-Gon was the first to wake up. He smiled down at his Padawan, whose head was resting against his chest. As if he sensed he was being watched Obi-Wan chose to wake up, arching his body to stretch his cold muscles. Qui-Gon smiled gently down at him, confirming his affection for his Padawan, before the question was even asked. Things were going to be alright.

The End