South Park:The Phantom Menace

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TITLE: South Park: The Phantom Menace

by: Ashley R

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RATING: PG-13/R

PLOT: Our two favorite sex-symbols end up in South Park, and not only meet up with it’s characters, but some unexpected Chix as well!

TYPE: Parody <so don’t take anything except the sex serious!>

FEEDBACK: Yes, please! I LIVE for feedback!

Take 11! <snaps down snappy-thing on her hand>

Main Characters:

Kyle Stan Cartman Kenny Mayor Obi-Wan Kenobi Qui-Gon Jinn Darth Maul Yoda

Random ObiChix and QuiChix:

Kim Heather Laura Raven Monica Kayla Panth Ashley

If I messed up anyone’s Chic listing, just smack me with a private message and I’ll gladly change! I’ve been here for a month and I’m still a newbie! <g> My apologies to everyone I left out, I just picked names randomly from my e-mails! I’ll include you next time, just send me an e-mail with your name and Chic status! Enjoy!

*-*-*-*-Bus stop-*-*-*-*

Kyle: Dude, this sucks! I don’t want to go to school! I’m like sick of school. Cartman: Me too. School sucks so much ass, just like you guys. Stan: Well there’s plenty of ass of yours to suck!

Cartman: AYY! Screw you guys, I’m going hoooome.

<Everyone watches Cartman. He just stands there.> Kyle: Well fatass? Are you going home?

Cartman: Screw you guys, I’m staying right heeeeeeeeere. Stan: Shut up Cartman, you’re just stupid. Cartman: AYY!

Stan: Holy sh*t! Kyle: What the f*ck was that? Kenny: Mmph mmph! <It was the size of Cartman’s ass!>

<Everyone laughs. Cartman punches Kenny> Cartman: Poor piece of crap!

Obi: Hello, boys. Qui: Do you know where we are right now? Cartman: Are you guys retarded? This is South Park!

<Qui-Gon looks agitated>

Stan: Who the hell are you? Obi: I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi. Qui: And I’m Qui-Gon Jinn. Stan: Odi-Wan Ke-what?? Kyle: Key-Don Gin? Obi: No, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn. Kyle: Dobi-One Kenodi? Obi: NO! Obi-Wan Kenobi is my name. Stan: Oobi-Wan Kenoobie? Obi: Forget it, forget it! Cartman: You guys suck. You’re dressed like a bunch of hippie homos! Obi: And who might you be, my plump little friend? Cartman: I am NOT plump, I am fat!

Cartman: Wait, auuggh damnit! I mean I’m not fat or plump, my metabolism is very uncoordinated. Stan: Is that why most of the weight is in your ass? <Everyone laughs again. Cartman mumbles assorted insults under his breath> Qui: Listen, young fellows, we need help finding the city of New York. We have very important business there. Stan: Dude, that’s halfway across the f*cking nation!

Obi: Well, do any of you children have a map we could have? Stan: No way dude. Aren’t we like, not s’posed to talk to strangers, or something? Kyle: No dude, you’re like not s’posed to give them candy, or something. Qui: We come in peace. Please take me to your governmental leader.

Cartman: You sound like a bunch of freakin’ aliens! Obi: Which way to the center of town? Stan: It’s that way. <Points north> Qui: Can you boys come with us, to guide us? Cartman: Will you get us out of school? Obi: We can arrange such.

Qui: Climb aboard, kids. We’re going downtown!

*-*-*-*-Outside the Mayor’s building-*-*-*-*

Mayor: I don’t believe it! Two Jedi in South Park! This is incredible! Think of the publicity! Assistant 1: Yes, think of the advertising! Assistant 2: And think of the gay parades!

Assistant 2: Well, they *are* dressed rather, homosexually,…um… Mayor: Whatever. Call the papers, call TV! We’re going places!

Mayor: <Ahem> Come in!

<Obi, Qui and the four come in>

Mayor: <under her breath> Holy sh*t! Qui: We come in peace. I am Qui-Gon Jinn. We must ask a favor of you. We are lost. We must find New York City. Obi: And I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. Our transport crashed here on Earth, and our only connection with the closest planet, Tattooine, is in a city called New York. Qui: We must return home. I ask a very important favor of you; may we have a map to guide us to this city? Mayor: …A map? You need *a map*?? Obi: I hope we are not being of a bother. Mayor: Christ, you can go buy a map in the general store! Why don’t you stay for the night, you look tired! Qui: We really must leave as soon as possible. Mayor: Uhh, uhh, we don’t have any maps, and the Store is closed now, um…so I’ll put you up in our hotel for the night! Hell, you can stay at *my* place if you like! <Raises an eyebrow> Qui: We are very flattered, but the hotel will do just fine… Obi: Yes, although we really must be going… Are there any other cities nearby that have such maps? Mayor: I’ll… I’ll tell you what! You go stay in our hotel, and I’ll send someone right away to get you your map!

Obi: Thank you. Qui: We are very appreciative.

Cartman: We don’t want to go to f*cking school!

Stan: Dude, if you kick him, then he’ll get pissed and won’t let us out of school! Cartman: Son-of-a-bitch that hurt!! Qui: <rubbing his shin> May these students please be excused from their school for the day? They helped us greatly in finding your building. Mayor: Um, of course, what the hell! Bradley, call the school and excuse some… tell them their, their brother died or something! Assistant 2: All right. <Phones school> Kids: YES! Qui: Do you children know the way to the hotel? Stan: Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo’s friend owns it. Obi: If you point it out for us, we’ll take you home. Qui: Thank you for your assistance, we leave in peace. Obi: Yes, thank you.

Asst. 1: WE LEAVE IN PEACE!!!! Asst. 2: TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER!!!!

Mayor: You idiots! They’re the key to putting South Park on the map!

*-*-*-*-Hotel-*-*-*-*

Obi: We have a reservation for Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn? Clerk: No, I’m sorry, our only reservation close to that is for Obee-Wand Kedoobi and Tea-Gin John. Qui: Um, that would be us, sir. Clerk: Ok, tough guy, who made the reservations? Obi: The mayor. Clerk: Damn! Qui: I’m not going to ask… Clerk: Your room is 223. Here is your key. Obi: Room? You gave us one room? Clerk: Yeah! Aren’t you guys gay? Qui + Obi: NO!!!!! Clerk: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESorry!!!! Here, here’s another room, on the house! Have 5! Qui: <whispers to Obi> What a weakling. Obi: <forced smile> Thank you.

*-*-*-*-JediHunks HQ-*-*-*-*

Kim: He’s opening the door….. Kayla: Are they in? Laura: Yes, they’re in! Heather: C’mon girls! Let’s go! Panth: Wait, shouldn’t we turn on the auto-lock? To make sure they don’t escape? Raven: Yes, yes we should. Kim: I’ll do it! Heather: Does everyone have their stuff? Monica: Yeah, we do. Are all the settings in place? Laura: Yeah, they are. Heather: I’ll start the transport!

<Outside, a large craft flies out of a hole in the ground; the entrance to the JediHunks HQ. The craft zooms away, off to South Park>

Heather: Gee, I always wanted to go to South Park!

*-*-*-*-The Hotel Rooms-*-*-*-*

Obi: So, Master, what shall we do now that we have nowhere to go? Qui: I was hoping to watch a little TV. Obi: Master, what *is* a tee-vee, Master? Qui: It is similar to a vision tube, my padawan. Please, may I rest for a short while? Obi: Oh! Yes, Master, I shall go. <Obi leaves the room>

An hour later…

Obi: Master, are you asleep? Qui: Yes, I am. What brings you, Obi!? Obi: Well, my door is locked. So is yours. Qui: That’s how it is SUPPOSED to be! Duh! Obi: Duh? Qui:… Nevermind. Obi: The problem is, Master, it is locked from the *outside.* Qui: What speak of you?? Obi: ‘Tis correct, Master.

Monica: WEEE’REEE HEEEERRREEEE!!! Laura: And I got the handcuffs! Raven: Well then *I* get the whip! Panth: No you don’t, the whip is mine! Raven: Mine! Panth: Mine! Raven: Not yours! Panth: Belonging to meeee! Qui: QUUUIIIIEEETTT!!!! *Who* are you?? Heather: Ignore them; weeee’rrreee the JediChix! Qui: Ohhhhh sh*t!!! Obi: Master? Who are such people? Qui: Come hither, young padawan. <Whispers to Obi; his eyes light up at first> Obi: Isn’t that good? Qui: <smacks Obi> No!!! Obi: Oh. Kim: Damn you all, who’s got the chocolate syrup!!! Ashley: I’ve only got caramel! 28 bottles, to be exact! Monica: I have a little bit. We can share! Kayla: Here, I have an extra bottle! I always bring along 13 bottles for good luck. Monica: 13? Lucky? Kayla: <shrugs> 13 is lucky in a bad way… <evil grin> Kim: Ahh, smart thinking.

Ashley: Sh*t! One of the bottles exploded in my purse! Napkin, anyone? Qui: <under his breath> Obi-Wan, we *must* get out of here as soon as possible… who *knows* what horrible things they might do to us! Obi: The door is open,…we can run for it! Qui: Too many of them. We must find an alternate route. Obi: The window? Qui: Yes, smart thinking.

Ashley: Hey, they’re leaving! <bursts out crying> Monica: Noooooo!! Laura: You aren’t going *anywhere*!! We locked both the windows and the doors, so nahnny-nahnny-poo-doo!!

<Horrified, shattered looks spread across their faces as all 8 of them creep closer>

Obi: Master, we must use the force!

Obi: Master, the doors are still locked! Qui: Obi-Wan, I sense much hatred in them… Kayla: Nope that’s just evil sensuality. Qui: Even worse..

Qui: As much as I hate to do this, ladies,…

<BOOM!!! Qui uses the Force to blast them all across the room> <Panth, unaffected, sneaks out from behind the bed and jumps for Qui, knocking him to the floor>

Panth: I GOT HIM I GOT HIM I GOT HIM!!! HURRY! Obi: I cannot believe I didn’t think of this sooner!

Kayla: Hold it there, braid-boy, you’re ours now!

Obi: <howling with pain> OWWWWWWWWW!!! Qui: You’ll never get away with this! <Panth snaps on handcuffs> Oh yes we will!

Raven: Well, ok, we'll share, K Panth? Panth: K! Qui: Obi-Wan, help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! <kicking and screaming> Obi: I’m rather tied up at the moment, Masterrrrr! Heather: Alright, get him in the other room now! Ashley: Who here likes caramel syrup? I also have cherries, sprinkles and whipped cream. Kim: Ya got Sno-Caps? Ashley: Yeah, take ‘em, I hate those things. Here, have some extra sprinkles too! Laura: Thanks!

<Monica, Heather, Ashley and Kayla all drag Obi kicking and screaming into the next room and slam the connecting door shut>

Obi: <whimper> What are you going to do to me? Monica: Things that will blow your mind… Ashley: And other things…<grin> Kayla: Bad girl! Heather: We’re *all* bad girls! Monica: We need to get you out of those clothes… Heather: Strip search!! <giggle>

Kayla: Hmm, that looks good. <drooling a bit> Monica: We’re gonna need napkins… Ashley: <foaming at the mouth> Heather: That’s the spirit! Obi: Actually, these leather handcuffs are quite the comfort. Kayla: Good, get used to them. You’ll be wearing them for a while.

Heather: I’ll get it! Ashley: Is it room service? I ordered some freezing caramel syrup and some boiled chocolate syrup. Obi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Old Lady: Yes, I was wondering if you could please keep it down, I’m trying to take my nap, you know.

Old Lady: Ohhh, myyyyy! <THUD!!> Kayla: <looks up from Obi’s body> She’s a good thudder! Monica: Mmm, yes, she should join us! Ashley: I give that an 8.7. Heather: Yes, ‘tis true. <closes door> Kayla: Now, to remove those pants...

Ashley: I’ll get it! ROOM SERVICE! <opens door> Bellhop: Anyone order chocolate and caramel syrup? Ashley: YES! <grabs tray and shoves a five dollar bill in the man’s face, slamming the door> Bellhop: <outside door> Hey, who’s unconscious body is this?? HEY!!! Ashley: Let the fun begin!

Part 2

From: Ashley Rosenfeld <[email protected]> To: <[email protected]> Subject: [jedihunks] South Park: The Phantom Menace- Book the Second Date: Sunday, July 04, 1999 6:04 PM

From: Ashley Rosenfeld <[email protected]>

Duck all! Here come's part two of my totally messed up x-over, flying at you at warp speed!

So, um, here's the really screwed up story. Don't haunt me if you commit suicide after reading.

..lmao!

Queen of Spooky Mulder and of Oobi-Wand Kedoobi, -Mrs. Obi-Wan Kenobimulder *-*-*-*-*-*-

Meanwhile…

Qui: Ahhhhhh, umm, you’ll never get….away with…..this? <arches back> Ohhhh… Kim: Didn’t we say so before? <picks sprinkles out of her teeth> Qui: That, actually feels…reallly…..wait! Cease right now! We must go!!! Panth: <sluuurp> You’re not *going* anywhere! Qui: Ok then… Laura: See baby? It’s not soooo bad….<innocent face>

Bellhop: Room service! Someone order 19 ice creams? Kim: That woooould be me! <skips to the door> Bellhop: Ice cream, anyone? <large grin comes over her face> Kim: Do I know you? Bellhop: <rips off uniform and strews it all over the hallway> YESSS! Kim: Brittney!! <tight hug> Welcome! Obi’s in the next room getting his special treatment. Right this way… <leads her to connecting door>

<Brittney knocks on door> Hey guys, you got company!

Ashley: Brittney, that you? <opens door> …Brittney!!!! <hug>

<All the ObiChix come running> Brittney!!!

Brittney: Yup, I’m here. Sorry I was late to the meeting. I got to HQ and saw the radar. I took the spare transport here, and well, let’s just say I threatened the bellhop in the elevator. Kayla: Way ta go, Britt! Come join the fun. We’re just tuning up Obi’s motor right now! Brittney: Ooh, boy! Tune up!

<Obi’s piercing moans cut all to silence>

Obi: Whattabout MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Brittney: Hear that? That’s the sound of a thousand good things! Heather: Yes, ‘tis that! You can be keeper of his whipped cream. Brittney: Oh, yippie! How many cans we got? Monica: Ashley brought a few extra, so now we got 27. Brittney: Oooh, never can have too many! <wide smile>

Moments later…

<*Crash*!!! The window explodes as a rock impacts it. A gloved hand brushes away the extra glass still clinging to the frame. A girl slides through the window. Obi ceases moaning and sits up>

Monica: Bellandra? Brittney: Bellandra!!!! Bellandra: Yup, ‘tis I, back from the Star Wars convention in Phoenix. Might I say it was quite fun. Ashley: Join the fun! We’re jacking up Obi’s hood as we speak! Bellandra: Ooh, kinky! I like! Now that we’re in South Park, where are all the paper characters and such? Ashley: Oh, those come after my wild sex scenes. So it’s South Park, Star Wars, *and* extravagant sex! Monica: <licks lips> You make it sound so yummy! Bellandra: Cause it is! Monica: Ok, enough talk, I’m getting back to work on adjusting Obi’s engine! Obi: Why am I a car? Heather: Cause you know we *drive* you wild! Obi: <widening smile> Oh, yeah. Qui-Gon warned me of your actions, but I don’t understand why he is so against such orgasmic fun! Kayla: He’s just such a little schoolboy; don’t worry, they whip him into shape every time. It’s just that he sometimes forgets. Tsk tsk… Obi: So sad… Ashley: Alright, Obi, here is some of my famous boiling chocolate syrup! <pours it on> <*Sizzle*!!!!!> Obi: <wailing with erotic pain> Brittney: Ahhh, music to my ears. <smile> Meanwhile, in the other room,…

Kim: Mmm, Qui-Gon makes cookies and cream ice cream taste *even better*!!! Panth: Right you are. Can I put a snow cap in your cute belly button? Qui: <gulps> Alright…

Callista: Did anyone order take out?

Laura: Oops… Callista: Oops is right, but I forgive. Open the door! I’ve got Chicken Chow Mien, Won-Ton Soup, Spare Ribs, Crispy noodles, Sweet and Sour Pork, and Sesame Chicken! Raven: Yum yum! Feasty time! <runs and opens the door> Callista: <drops bag of food on the floor> Oh my.. I see I arrived just in time,… Kim: That you did! Hurry before the ice cream melts… we’re also running out of whip cream and cherries! Callista: Why the hell don’t we have dessert first? Raven: Smart thinking. Ok, who here wants a Qui-Gon Sundae? Unison: I do!!! Kim: Alrighty, dig in girls! <pours on the rest of the ice cream, and pops a cherry in Qui’s mouth> Laura: We don’t have any bananas! Callista: There is only one, and it’s Qui-Gon’s….

Hours later…

Ashley: Damn. All out of whipped cream! Bellandra: And syrup… <wiping tears from her eyes> Monica: Don’t cry girls! That was the best session ever! <packing up her things> Heather: Yes, ‘tis true! Kayla: MMmm, I feel like Mary Poppins. Brittney: A rather erotic one! <laughing> Ashley: Now, I’m afraid we must let our studly men go. They must now duke it out with Darth Maul. Monica: Oh, sure, go spoil the plot for everyone! Ashley: Don’t they always duke it out? Monica: True…true…

<Panth, Laura, Kim and Raven enter the room>

Panth: Mmm, ‘tis time we go. Kim: Yes, we must be heading back to headquarters. Raven: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night, Kim? Kim: Why, the same thing we do every night, Raven. Try our best to be Qui-Gon’s wildest sexual fantasy! Raven: Oh, yes indeedy! Laura: Well, that was a mighty fun session, I must add. Qui: <in the background> Laura, Kim, Panthy, Rave, don’t leave me! Please, come back! Laura: <eyes closed halfway> Oh, don’t worry, we’ll be back. Qui: Pleeasseee? Kim: Oh, I *love* it when he begs! It makes me want more! Laura: Kim, now Kim, contain yourself girl. Kim: I’ll,…I’ll be okay, I just need to sit down… Monica: Ok, I’m ready. Bellandra: Oops, nearly forgot our handcuffs! Obi: <whimpering profusely> Ashley: Oh *GOD*, don’t DO that!!! <majorriffic Thud!!> Heather: I feel dizzy…. Brittney: I’ll get the cuffs! Kayla: Can’t forget those! Now are we going out for a bite to eat? I’m starved! Callista: All that sex has given me quite an appetite! Ashley and Brittney: <staggering off the floor> Panth: How about Pizza Hut, or Taco Bell? Maybe KFC?

Entire JediHunks: PIZZA HUT!!!! Tally ho!!!

Obi: <standing there nude> Come back!! Please?? Qui: They’re gone, young padawan…. Umm, get some clothes on! Obi: <looks down and screams> EEEEEEEEEE! <runs into the bathroom and slams the door> Qui: <shakes his head> They’ll be back… <smile crosses his face>

*-*-*-*-Downtown-*-*-*-*

Cartman: Man, this is sweet! Kyle: Yeah, we get the day off! Let’s go to Happy Burger World! Cartman: Sweet, I’m hungry! Stan: Dude, you’re always hungry! Cartman: Well, after all, I *am* a growing boy! Kyle: Yeah, too bad you’re growing sideways!

Cartman: Ay, ya hippie sonofabitch! I’ll kick you in the nutz! Kyle: Yeah, whatever dude! C’mon, let’s go get something to eat! Kenny: Mmmphh mpphhh mpphh mpmh! <Here come those Jedi weirdos!> Stan: Dude, they’re back! Obi: Hello, boys. Qui: We were wondering, what is the best place in town to get a bite to eat? Kyle: Well, *our* favorite place is Happy Burger World. Obi: Substantial. <shrugs> Kyle: Anyone got money? Cartman: I have some pennies. Stan: You dumb fatass, that won’t buy us anything! Qui: We have 10 thousand credits on us, what will that buy us? Stan: Dude, credits? What the f*ck? Cartman: What the hell are those? Qui: Oh, wonderful. Credits are no longer the system of money on planet Earth! Stan: Dude, they like, never were. Obi: Master, we have no source of money. We’ll starve! Kenny: Mpphh mpphm mpmh! <I have 20$ f*cking bucks!> Stan: Dude, Kenny, you’re sposed to be poor! Cartman: Yeah, what the hell is up with that you poor piece of crap! Qui: Boys, boys, stop fighting. Kenny: Mppmh mmphm! <It was on Cartman’s mom’s dresser!> Cartman: You stealin’ piece of crap! Kyle: Shut up, dude, it’ll buy us lunch. Stan: Yeah, so quit the sh*t! Cartman: <mumbling random insults again> Stan: C’mon, let’s go!

*-*-*-*-Uncle Jimbo’s Gun Shop-*-*-*-*

Jimbo: Well there, my good man! What kind of shooting equipment can I get you today? Maul: <growling> Can you get me a new blade for this lightsaber?! <throws broken handle on the counter> Jimbo: A what? Sorry, we only sell guns, bullets and hunting outfits in here! If you want that, fightsabber fixed, you’ll have to get it elsewhere! Maul: <begins to choke uncle Jimbo> You *will* get me a new blade for this lightsaber, or else!! Jimbo: Uhhh, yeah yeah I will! <Jimbo runs into the back and grabs the bugzapper’s lightbulb and sticks it in the Lightsaber>

Jimbo: Umm um here you go! Maul: It’s blue! What the hell is wrong with you??? Jimbo: We…uhhh we have no red ones! Maul: <growling> It will suffice.

*-*-*-*-Happy Burger World-*-*-*-*

Qui: …and I’d like a number two, with a large fry and a Sprite. Anything else? Obi: No, thank you Master. Qui: You are welcome.

Qui: Here is everyone’s food, let’s eat! Obi: <bites into burger> What the hell is this crap?? Cartman: It’s a burger, god damnit! Stan: Dude, don’t you have burgers back on like your planet X or something? Qui: It is not that bad, Obi-Wan. Obi: Well, I must say, it is not that bad, for an unidentified meat patty. Kyle: Dude, try the fries. Obi: <bites into fry> Not bad, either. I could get used to this.

Cameraman: Look, it’s them! The Jedi! Reporter: Get them!

Reporter: So, are you really from another galaxy, far, far away? Reporter 2: Are you two really Jedi? Reporter 3: Do you really fly a transport? Reporter 4: Are you really gay?

Kyle: <talking to reporters> You guys suck! Leave us alone, dude! Cartman: No way, man, I'm gonna be on television!

Qui: Remember what I wanted you to do back when the girls were chasing us? Obi: Yes…you wanted me to run. Qui: Just do it!

Stan: Dude, did you see that? Cartman: Hell yeah! That was hella cool! Kyle: Cartman, stop saying hella! You are so not cool it’s not even funny! Cartman: I *am* cool and it *is* funny! Kyle: Dude, no you *are* not! Stan: Dudes, both of you, just shut the f*ck up!

*-*-*-*-Bus Stop-*-*-*-*

Terrance: ‘Ello! I’m Terrance! Phillip: And I’m Windy! <riiip>

Obi: Good GOD that smells! <eyes roll back in his head> Qui: Excuse me, but what do you wish of us? Terrance: We were sent by the smelly Red-head man who wanted to buy us more Kroft Macaroni and Cheese! Phillip: Yes, we do love our Kroft dinner! Qui: Do you realize that was Darth Maul? Obi: Yes, it does sound like him! Did he have many horns upon his head? Phillip: Yes, yes he did. Excuse me, I have to fart! <riiiiiiiiip> Terrance: <laughing madly> Oh, Phillip, you smell like a dirty, dirty fart! Phillip: I may smell of my rancid reekiness, but you are a stupid dick! Terrance: No you’re a dick! Phillip: No, you’re a dick!

Qui: Excuse me, you separated-head fellows, but will you take us back to Darth Maul? Terrance: Darth Maul? He sounds like one of my many farts! <high-pitched squeaky faaaaaaaaaaaart> Qui: I mean!… I mean the smelly Red-head man. Terrance: Oh, yes! Of course! He always looks mad! Phillip: Probably because he is constipated! <riiiiiiiiiiiiiip!>

Terrance: Or maybe because he can’t fart as good as us! <tttthhhhhhhhppppppppp!>

Obi: Master, these men scare me, I want to go,… and they smell like the horrible stench of a gas passed! Qui: Yes, yes young padawan, I do agree. <pauses> Please, take me to your Red-head man. Phillip: Roger roger! <Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip>

Qui: Now, please. Phillip: Alright! <riiiiiiiiip>

Obi: I’m sure he did not mean for you to break wind. Terrance: Well we did anyway! <squuuueeeaak>

Qui: Come, Obi-Wan. There is an unusual amount of snow on the ground. Obi: <cuts him off> And an unusual amount of methane in the air. Qui: Also true. We will follow their tracks in the snow, which will hopefully lead us to Darth Maul. Obi: Yes.

Qui: Here they come, padawan! Into the tree!

Reporter 1: Where’d they go? Cameraman: Damnit, this camera weighs a ton! Reporter 2: Oh well. I’m hungry. How about some Happy Burger World? Cameraman: Alright.

Qui: Come now, let us find this smelly Red-headed man. Obi: <falls out of the tree laughing>

<THUD!>

Qui: My young padawan, you are quite the dumb f*cker. Obi: <stops laughing and looks up with question in his eyes> Qui: Did I just say that? This town is doing quite the ruboff on me! Obi: <laughing> Apparently it is, my master.

*-*-*-*-*-Enter the Maul, Darth-*-*-*-*-*-*

Maul: Where *are* those fools? Probably busy farting somewhere. Qui: Well, we’re here. Maul: Just as sufficient. Obi: Yes, now I do believe it is time to battle you. <Ding, ding, ding, ding>

Maul: <big Gay Al voice> Oh my, iths time for tea! Would any of you thweeties care to join me? I also have thome cheethcake! Obi: No thanks, I’ll just have a cup of tea, thanks.

Maul: Tho, how are you boys? Qui: Oh, bloody mahvelous! Obi: Yes, quite indeedy. Maul: Bithcuits anyone? Qui: One for me, thank you. Obi: I’ll take two. Maul: Splendid!

Maul: Oh my, it’s time to be bad again! <giggle>

Maul: <growling> Now you will die!!

*RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!*

Obi: <sighs angrily> Not *you* two! Qui: They must have followed us! Maul: <big Gay Al voice again> Oh my, that thertainly was stinky-poo! Oh my goodneth, that thtinkths! <Maul passes out and lands in the snow> Obi: That was easier than I thought. Qui: Job well done, men. It is apparent that Maul is highly sensitive to methane gases, probably because he is a big f*cking fart himself. Obi: Master, I am sensing that you are beginning to become one with South Park’s derogatory language! Yoda will not be pleased. Qui: Oh, that f*cking green turd with ears can go to hell. I don’t need his BS anymore! I’m staying here! Obi: Master, I do believe those girls need to come back and bang some sense into you. Qui: Yes, I do f*cking suppose you are right, young asshole. Obi: Master? Why the f*ck did you call me that? Qui: <laughing> See, you big d*ck, it’s rubbing off on you too. Obi: Master, we need a f*cking map! We have to get back to Tatooine before we get stranded here, God damnit! Qui: Yes, whatever the f*ck shall we do? *-*-*-*-*-*-

The end!

Ok, glad to see you made it out alive! But don't be so relieved yet! Lock your windows, doors, and stow away your sanity in a safe place, cause Book the Third is flying at you, coming soon to a onlist near you!!

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