***************
Title: Forever
Author: Darth Diebin
****************
Rated: Uhhh. . . A for Angst
Archive: All lists who want it!
Feedback: Please? Insecurity runs rampant tonight . . .
Obligatory Disclaimer: Okay, altogether now--who owns Star Wars?
Author's Notes: Thanks to: Kim, for reading this at 2 am and telling me it didn't suck. ;) Okay, so I was sitting here at 1:00 am and was smashed over the head by a vicious, angsty, plot bunny. Here's the result . . . ripped off in twenty-five minutes and still unedited. But I HAD to get it out of my head before it angsted me to death!
Feedback please--I don't think I've ever been so insecure about a piece of writing. I don't know what it was about this . . . but it got to me.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
“There's no time for us There's no place for us What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us Who wants to live forever Who wants to live forever Who?” --Dune, “Who Wants to Live Forever”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s been so long now--I think I’ve finally given up hope. Nothing on this world holds any delight for me--not even the sight of my daughter, my Leia. She can walk now--you never even knew she was born, but she can walk. That’s how long it’s been, how long my heart has been gone from my body. I always thought your body died without your heart--but it’s been three years, and I can’t seem to slip away. The Force knows I’ve tried, but there are too many people dedicating to keeping me here.
Obi-Wan’s at my side even now. They called him two weeks ago and he came--all the way from Tatooine, all the way from Luke. Sabe thinks that with Obi-Wan here, I will try to live. Sabe only leaves my side for a few hours at a time--my loyal bodyguard, my loyal handmaiden. For so many years she protected my body--I want to tell her now to protect my soul. Let me slip away . . . I don’t want to live forever--not if you’re not here with me.
“Come on, Amidala. Padme. Speak with me--I’ve come so far to see you, the least you could do is talk.”
Obi-Wan, don’t you understand? Speaking would bring me back to the present. I’m so much happier in the past. If I open my eyes, I see a world where I can’t have my love. There’s no place for us here--child of the Dark Side and follower of the Light. He’s gone now--so far gone. So I hide, hide in the memories, hide in the dreams. I see myself laughing in them--I don’t think I’ve laughed once since he left. You have to understand, Obi-Wan. You know loss, you know pain. You should understand . . . who wants to live when there are so many reasons to die?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“There's no chance for us It's all decided for us This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us Who wants to live forever Who wants to live forever Who?” --Dune, “Who Wants to Live Forever”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How is she?”
“The same. She hasn’t even opened her eyes in the last three hours. I know she’s awake--I can feel her thoughts, but I can’t hear them. She still has that much control over her mind.”
Of course I do, Obi-Wan. After all, I learned to shield my thoughts from Anakin--and he learned from the best. It’s almost funny--you talk as if I’m not here. As if I were sick. I’m not sick, Obi-Wan. I’m dead. I’ve been dead for three years--my body just hasn’t realized it yet.
“Can’t you do something? You’re a Jedi, Kenobi! Aren’t you supposed to be so powerful? Wave your hand and you can stop wars . . . well wave your hand and make her live!”
Oh, Sabe. You sound so furious. Don’t be angry at Obi-Wan. You were, I know. Sometimes you were so angry with him that I thought you must secretly love him. I know you blamed him for Anakin turning, and blamed him for my pain. It wasn’t his fault--you have to have seen it. He tried so hard, he loved Anakin more than anyone else.
But I loved him more. And if I couldn’t save Anakin from the darkness, what chance did Obi-Wan have?
“Some Jedi I turned out to be at that.”
Foolish Kenobi. Your self-doubt was always your greatest weakness. You were the best. You were so good you were almost perfect--but so ready to believe anything bad about yourself. Compliment fell right through the cracks in that brain of yours--I saw it happen often enough. But every insult, every thing you did wrong--those you gathered close to you and tucked away so you’d always remember them. You liked the pain, I think. Poor boy, you were so lost.
Isn’t it ironic? You and Sabe sit there, trying to analyze me--but I understand you both better than you ever will. Maybe it’s being so close to death that gives me insight--or maybe I’m just wise.
Strange thoughts to be having on my deathbed.
“You have to be able to help her! I can’t lose her, Obi-Wan. I can’t lose her. I’ve done everything, given my life, my happiness--everything so that she would live. I refuse to let her die now!”
Sabe, my Sabe. I never wanted to steal your happiness. I wish that things had been different. I wish that you had gone with the others when I sent them away. Sache and Yane, they cried and protested--but they went. You should have too, my friend. I knew that I would die when I sent them away, I didn’t want anyone to get in the way. I didn’t want anyone to be hurt.
“I don’t want to lose her either, but I can’t make her want to live.”
Of course you can’t, dear Obi-Wan. Only one person can make me want to live now, but I won’t have him until I’m gone. There it is again--that irony. Once I’m dead, I’ll find what I need to live. If it’s true--if the good in Anakin really did die, maybe it will be waiting for me.
“Has she eaten since I left?”
“No.”
“Obi-Wan, she’s going to starve to death! It’s been two days, and she hasn’t moved, hasn’t eaten--hasn’t even opened her eyes! Make her eat! Get into her mind and make her live! You’re a Jedi!”
You’re getting hysterical, Sabe. I can hear the tears in your voice--hear you grabbing onto Obi-Wan’s robe and shaking him. It’s amazing how much you can hear when you haven’t used your eyes in a long time. I know where you both are even though I can’t see you. Obi-Wan is in the chair next to my bed. You’re kneeling in front of him, probably trying to shake him into doing what you want. You were always so stubborn--that’s probably why you were such a good decoy for me. No one could be as stubborn as me, but you tried.
Learn from that, Sabe. Learn. I’m more stubborn than you. I will outlast you. I will die--and start my new life. My life with my Anakin. Forever with Anakin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“But touch my tears with your lips Touch my world with your fingertips And we can have forever And we can love forever Forever is our today” --Dune, “Who Wants to Live Forever”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“She’s slipping away.”
Oh Sabe, don’t sound so sad. This is what I’ve been waiting for! You should be rejoicing along with me, not crying. I can feel your tears falling onto my face--or maybe they are Obi-Wan’s. You’re both crying now. I think I even hear Bail near the doorway--is he crying? So many people are sad. Don’t you all realize that this is what I want?
“Padme, I forbid you to do this. I will not fail you like I have failed everyone else. Please, please don’t die.”
The pain in your voice, Obi-Wan--it’s almost enough. Almost enough to make me open my eyes, if only to reassure you that this is for the best. I died so long ago, died when Anakin kissed the tears off my face and told me that he was leaving and taking me with him. I knew I couldn’t go, knew I never would go. So he left, and took my heart with him. That’s when I died, Obi-Wan. Death of the body is only a technicality.
I had my time. I had a time when there was love. When there was a man who could touch me and make me know what is was to be alive. I only existed until I had him--never really lived. My life can only be measured in the time he walked by my side. Some said he touched my world, but that’s not right. Anakin didn’t touch my world--he /was/ my world. Each second I was with him was eternity. We had forever. We were forever. I don’t need life anymore--I lived life a thousand times a day when I had Anakin. Now is time to pass on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Who wants to live forever Who wants to live forever Who waits forever anyway” --Dune, “Who Wants to Live Forever”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This must be what it is to die. I can feel my heart slowing, it’s harder to breath. I know that I will sleep soon--and after sleep will come death. Just a little while longer in this world, and then I will sleep, only to wake in a new world. A better world. You’ll be there Anakin--I’ve seen it. I will have you forever, all to myself. There will be no Dark Side, no Master and Apprentice. Just you, and me, and forever.
Sabe’s weeping. I can hear her, can hear Obi-Wan trying to comfort her, even though he is crying too. I want to say good-bye, but if I open my eyes and see them, they’ll try to make me stay. I’ve worked so hard to get here, I can’t let them stop me now.
Sabe, in a few days, you’ll find the note. I had to work so hard to find time to write it, but I did. It’s there, it will explain to you that I was already dead, and that this death of the body was a release from agony. I only wish I could tell you in words how much you mean to me.
Love you, Sabe. I love you. And I love you too Obi-Wan. I’m so tired though. No more thoughts now. No more thinking. I can almost feel Anakin--I’m so close to him. I’ve waited so long . . .
“NO! Padme, come back to me!”
But for you, my love--for my Anakin, I’d wait forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The body quivering in his arms seemed so fragile--it was hard for Obi-Wan to believe that this was Sabe, the strongest of Amidala’s bodyguards--and the strongest woman he had ever met.
And yet it was Sabe, shaking with silent sobs as the pair completed the circle surrounding Amidala’s pyre. The flames were burning down now, but Sabe’s grief was only growing more intense. Obi-Wan had used the Force to subdue her when Padme had finally slipped away early that morning, afraid that she would hurt herself in her frantic hysteria. He had only let her awaken an hour ago, and in that hour her emotions had ranged from suicidal despair to grief so overwhelming that Obi-Wan had been forced to shield her away from his mind.
Sabe turned away as the last of the flames began to flicker, burying her face in Obi-Wan’s robe and sobbing, her entire body shuddering with the force of her tears.
“Do you need to leave?” he asked softly, letting his robe wrap around her and shelter her from the growing cold.
“No. I’m--I’m going to stay here tonight.” Sabe turned her back to Obi-Wan again, staring at the burning embers. “I need to be with her.”
Obi-Wan sank wordlessly to the ground, bringing Sabe with him and wrapping her in his arms and cloak.
“We will hold vigil together,” he murmured.
“Together,” Sabe repeated softly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, Anakin. This ‘one with the Force’ stuff--it’s real, isn’t it? I mean, I never had enough training to believe that I’d get to become ‘one with the Force’ like you always talked about. Yes, I had the potential. Yes, you tried to teach me--but who would have thought that I’d get to stand and watch my own body burn? It’s like still being alive, only no one knows I’m here. I can watch my friends, but they can’t see me, Anakin. I’m not that strong. Not strong enough at all--but I can see them.
Sabe’s not crying any more. Obi-Wan will be good for her. He knows grief, he knows it all too well. But he’s strong. He can lead her through it--he can make her know that life is worth living. Maybe they’ll live it together?
I know, I know Anakin. I’m a horrible matchmaker. You teased me about it all the time. It must be the little girl in me--the little girl that never got to live because I was a queen from the time I knew what it was to be a woman. I never got to play matchmaker with myself--but I hardly needed to. I always knew who I was destined for. I had you.
I’m still worried about Sabe though. Even if Obi-Wan does help her to heal, Obi-Wan always thought everything was his fault. Who will tell Sabe that she is not to blame for my death? Not blaming yourself--that’s something she can’t learn from Kenobi. Something he has yet to discover.
There’s always the letter. They will find it, read it. Maybe she’ll understand. Maybe she’ll believe.
But that’s not my concern now. Now I have forever--with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~
So? Did you make it this far without trying to kill yourself? If so, please gimme some feedback! I promise to give you a Padawan or Master to make up for the Angst!