Did you ever wonder what a pastor would say at a funeral of a drunk man, a failure as a father, and a miserable husband? What could he say that was good about this drunkard man? Well, the pastor leaned over and spoke directly to the widow. He said, “Don’t make the same mistake twice!”
I did a research through the Bible on marriages. They are less than ideal. Take for instance Sarah, Abraham’s wife. She has always struck me as being cranky and bossy. Job’s wife offered little comfort in the midst of his trials. Another pathetic marriage in the Old Testament is that of Abigail and her husband Nabal which can be found in 1 Samuel 25. Abigail was wise and beautiful, while he was harsh and evil (1 Sam. 25:3). His name indicated, he was a fool (25:25). I don’t think that Abigail had much to say in the choice of this man as her husband. The tragedy of this marriage is turned around in the account recorded in 1 Samuel 25, however, for the Lord takes the life of Nabal and Abigail becomes the wife of David.
For the one who is unfortunate enough to have married a fool, Proverbs offers no promises of an easy life or a quick cure. I believe that the assumption throughout this book is that a person must live with his or her mistake in marriage. Divorce is never mentioned as the solution for a foolish decision concerning a mate. The picture painted of such a marriage is deliberately bleak.
A person might think that the authors of Proverbs were somewhat cynical about marriage, probably having more to say about its dangers than its delights. This book was written I believe primarily to young men who had not yet married. I think that one purpose Proverbs was written was to urge young men to consider their life’s mate carefully, since the consequences of a wrong choice are painful and permanent.
Marriage is the norm so far as Proverbs is concerned. I don’t see anything mentioned on the single life presented as an alternative (such as Paul does in 1 Cor. 7). Marriage is viewed as a divine institution, and it is God who gives man a virtuous wife.
Read the following scripture from Proverbs 19:14 ( I should type it out, but please look it up). A man’s choice of a life’s mate can be his making or breaking, be either a delight or a disaster. Read Proverbs 18:22, Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 27:15-16. The potential of a wife for good or evil can be summed up in the words from Proverbs 12:4.
People enter marriage very casually without a serious consideration of the consequences of their decisions. When ones enters into marriage, he makes a vow, a vow which he is obligated to keep. Read Proverbs 20:25.
What does Proverbs have to teach those that are already married, since they have already made their choice? We cannot retrace our steps, but a person can certainly strive to become the kind of mate which Proverbs holds before us as the biblical ideal.
I think that a women can become distressed in the fact that the book of Proverbs emphasizes the need for a man to give thought to his choice of a wife, but gives no counsel to the woman about her choice of a godly husband. In the following messages I send to you I will try and tell you that the book of Proverbs is also intended to teach or instruct women about the kind of man to marry – a man that will become the godly leader in a home.
As we consider the traits of a godly mate, it is important to remember that godliness can only be found in a maturing believer. Though sometimes an unbeliever and an immature Christian may display some of the characteristics of a godly mate, the final analysis is that he cannot be a godly individual and therefore the single person must avoid him or her as a life partner.
We’ll now take a look at the importance of character traits in a person. In the book of Genesis there is an interesting contrast between the selection of Rebekah as Issac’s wife(chapter 24) and Jacob’s choice of Rachel, rather than Leah(chapter 29). Abraham sent his oldest and most trusted servant to select a wife for Issac, within the guidelines he laid down(24:2-4). The test which the servant wisely devised(24:13-14) was one which revealed the character of the young woman – she would be a servant at heart, willing to give water to the stranger and his camels.
Jacob on the other hand chose a wife for himself. He was willing to marry Leah, the older daughter, even though that was the accepted custom in those days(29:26). Jacob favored Rachel over Leah, not because of character, but because of her looks and her personality(29:17). Later developments seem to establish the fact that Leah was God’s preference while Rachel was Jacob’s. Leah outlived her younger sister, for example, Leah and her handmaid bore twice as many children as Rachel and her maiden, Leah bore Judah, the one through whom Messiah would come, and Levi, the leader of the priestly tribe. It was Leah who was buried in the cave of Machpelah, beside Abraham and Sarah, Issac and Rebekah(49:31), while Rachel was buried along the way to Bethlehem (35:19). Genesis teaches us in practice what Proverbs teaches us in principle – a man who would marry well will choose his life’s mate on the basis of her character, not on the basis of her looks or her personality. Read Proverbs 31:30.
We continue on with the characteristics of a Godly wife – 1. A Godly Wife Is Godly – How does godliness begin? It begins with a proper relationship to God. A godly wife is, first and foremost, a woman who fears God. Read Proverbs 31:30 again. In contrast, the woman to avoid is the one who does not know or fear God. She is actively evil and has no grasp of the way of the Lord. She does not ponder the path of life, and her ways are unstable, she does not know it(Proverbs 5:6). Also read Proverbs 6:24. 2. A Godly Wife Is Wise – Read the following scriptures in Proverbs – 14:1, 31:26. The opposite of the godly woman is the woman of folly – read in Proverbs – 9:13, and 11:22. 3. A Godly Wife Honors Her Husband - Read in Proverbs – 12, 31: 11-12. An ungodly wife humiliates and harasses her husband. She is not a helper, but a hindrance to her mate. She is “as rottenness in his bones” (12:4) By her haranguing, she makes him miserable – read in Proverbs 19:13. 4. A Godly Wife Is Gracious – Read again in Proverbs – 11:16. The ungodly woman is spoken of in Proverbs in 21:9, and 21:19. 5. A Godly Wife Is Faithful To Her Husband – Read Proverbs 2:16-17, 6:24, and 7: 18-19. It is not stated explicitly that I can see, but I believe it is assumed that a godly wife is also one who maintains sexual purity. Read in Proverbs 31: 10-12, and 31:3.
Lets
now consider the traits of a good friend, and what the Bible has to say about
this. The traits of a good friend
relate to the character of one’s mate, and the breaking of the marriage
covenant is a sin against a companion, a close friend and intimate friend. Read Proverbs 2:17. If my mate is not a friend, what is
she? Some marry a person who fails to
qualify even as a friend. The following
scriptures will point out what a friend is.
1. A Friend Is Faithful –
Fair weather friends are a dime a dozen, but a true friend is a person who is
still there even when the going gets tough.
Read the following scriptures from Proverbs – 17:17, 18:24, and 27:10. 2. A Good Friend Rebukes Us When Necessary
– We have a tendency to flatter our friends, when what they really need is a
tune up. A true friend is honest enough
to tell us what we need to hear, rather than to flatter us. Read Proverbs 29:5, and 27:5-6. Why is it then that we think that a wife
should never criticize her husband? I
believe it is better to be corrected by our best friend than by an enemy. The kindest thing that a wife can do for her
husband is to tell him that his idea is absolutely ridiculous – but in a
gracious way, of course. 3. A Good Friend Is Thoughtful And Tactful
– A friend speaks to encourage and enrich one’s life. It is important how we say it, when and why we say it. Read Proverbs 25:20, and 27:14. 4. A Good Friend Sharpens Us – We need to
be challenged and stretched in our thinking.
We don’t want to become intellectually stagnant, but a friend prods us
on to higher and greater thoughts. Read
Proverbs 27:17, and 20:5 Wouldn’t you want a mate that will challenge your
thinking and present you with new avenues of thought? 5. A Good Friend Offers Us Wise Counsel
Read Proverbs 27:9. Think back to what I said earlier about the account of David, Nabal and Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. David was angered because of the ungracious words of Nabal to his young men. He was determined to wipe out every male in the house of Nabal(25:13, 34). Abigail quickly formulated a plan to appease David’s anger and then spoke words of counsel, pointing out how detrimental David’s actions would be to his future rule as king(25:28-31). David’s reply indicates his appreciation of the wisdom of her words which you can read in 1 Samuel 25: 32-33. A lot of men think that the biblical instruction concerning the submission of the wife to her husband precludes her offering him wise counsel. If it is offered tactfully and in a submissive spirit, then it will be good for the man. We can learn from David and Abigail. Here are some character traits that we want to avoid in a person as a partner in marriage –
1. Don’t associate with a fool – Proverbs 13:20, 2. Don’t associate with those who have an uncontrollable temper – Proverbs 22:24-25. 3. Don’t associate with those who are evil – Proverbs 24:1-2, and 29: 24. 4. Don’t associate with one who is a revolutionary – Proverbs 24:21-22. It’s amazing what scripture has to say isn’t it about all this, and 5. Don’t associate with those who have no control over their appetites – Proverbs 28:7.
I’m also going to go into the character traits of a Godly Child – I believe that Proverbs teaches us that we can tell much about the character of a person by observing his relationship to his parents. Check out these scriptures from Proverbs – 13:1, 15:5, 15:20, 17:25, 19:26, 23:22, 23: 24-25, 30:11. These passages point to the fact that a good son is a godly man, and a godly man makes for a good husband. Any man who is not a good son, will not be a good husband.
There’s another scripture that has to do with parents. I find it troublesome, but it informs us that we must seek to learn something of the home life of our mate before we marry him or her. This scripture is found in Proverbs 30:21-23. There is a common thread which runs through each of these four unbearable situations – one gets something which he is unaccustomed to and which he will find difficult to handle once he has it. A slave has only known authority over him, yet when he becomes king his authority is absolute. His temptation will be to abuse his newly acquired authority. A fool would normally know only poverty and deprivation. With a full stomach he will hardly know how to behave. Certainly much of his incentive will be lost. A maidservant who now has authority over her mistress will be inclined to get even by making life miserable for her former mistress. She who once felt abused and oppressed will give her mistress a taste of oppression. So too with an unloved woman. Since she has never known genuine love, she may very well presume upon it and by trying to drink this new cup to the full make her husband regret the day he vowed to be faithful in his love toward her. I realize that some people have come from homes that there was little or no love. You may wonder if this proverb condemns you to a life of loneliness. I don’t think it does. God’s grace is sufficient for every need we have. But I believe it is a warning to those who have not known love in their childhood years to maybe abusing it in marriage. A mate who has not been loved by parents should not take this out on the marriage partner. And the one who marries a mate who has been unloved should be sensitive to the kind of problems such a childhood produces. The sins of the fathers and mothers are passed along, to later generations(Ex. 20:5). So we see that throughout the book of Proverbs there is teaching of the father and mother in warning the child. This is not the way most homes operate however. Most couples are not usually happy with the way they are raising their children. This all means that we may learn a great deal about our mate by giving thought to the home environment in which he or she was raised. Proverbs really implies that the influence of the home has a great deal to do with a child’s success in life as a partner in marriage. It’s something that we shouldn’t overlook is it?
Now I will get into the qualities of a Godly husband - It seemed that Proverbs had little to say to the woman who sought to discern the qualities of a godly husband. This is not the case however, as a woman should seek a man who is wise. These scriptures from Proverbs seem especially applicable to marriage – Proverbs 12:10 – a wise husband is kind and compassionate – sorry that these scriptures aren’t written out for you here, but it’s good for a person to look them up – it gets a person into the Word. Also Proverbs 29:24(A wise husband is honest), 12:11, 27:23-27(A wise husband is hard-working), 12:17, 19(A wise husband is truthful); 12:15, 16:32(A wise husband exercises self-control), 12: 18, 15: 1-2 and verse 4(A wise husband has a gentle tongue), 14: 21, 28:27(A wise husband is generous), 12:15, 15:12, and 31-32; 28:13, 29:1(A wise husband is willing to be corrected(even his wife) and listens to counsel), 19:1, 20:7(A wise husband is a man of integrity), (17:17, 29:3; contrast 25:19; 31:3)(A wise husband is faithful and reliable), 19:11(A wise husband is forgiving), 28:13(A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong), 15:25, 33; 16: 18-19; 18:12; 29:23(A wise husband is humble), 17:1; 18: 1,19(A wise husband is not contentious, but a peacemaker), 14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 29:11(A wise husband has control of his temper), 20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9(A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses), 29:7(A wise husband has a concern for others, especially the poor and the oppressed), 17:9; 26:20(A wise husband can keep a confidence), 27:4(A wise husband is not a jealous man), 13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30(A wise husband fears God and is obedient to His Word), 15:15; 17:22; 18:14(A wise husband has a positive outlook on life).
If you look in 1 Timothy Chapter 3 you will find that the qualifications laid down by the apostle Paul for elders and deacons are similar in the qualifications for church leaders and the characteristics of the wise in Proverbs. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as isn’t Proverbs written to young men who will be leaders, instructing them about wisdom? 1 Timothy 3 really summarizes what Proverbs has taught in greater detail.
So in conclusion, a life’s partner should be made on the basis of character, not charm or outward beauty. Your mate should manifest the characteristics of one who is wise. I find it distressing to admit that much of the force of the warnings of Proverbs concerning marriage has been nullified by a fact of 20th century Christian life – that is divorce has become an acceptable alternative to an unhappy marriage, even among Christians. Christians don't seem to heed the warnings about a contentious mate because they believe that if their marriage doe not work out they can simply walk away from their commitment and try again. To me this is sad.
Our teaching of marriage, divorce and remarriage differs so greatly from that of our Lord. Wasn’t it the Pharisees who asked Jesus if it was lawful for a man to divorce for any cause at all(Matt. 19:3). The Lord’s answer to this question was to emphasize the rule, not the exception, and therefore the stress was on the permanence of the marriage union(19:4-9). The response of the disciples of our Lord is significant: “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry” (19:10). Our Lord did not correct this conception, but confirmed it(19:11-12), and in so doing demonstrated His agreement with the teaching of the Book of Proverbs.
Another aspect of the Christian is that of personality. I believe that many Christians are more concerned about their personality than their character. Character is far more important than our outward beauty or our personality – Scripture – 1 Peter 3:3-4. In Proverbs we are told that charm(personality) is deceitful and that beauty is vain(The NIV says “fleeting”). Our personality may be deceptive, for we may be both charming and spiritually carnal. Beauty is temporal, but character is ETERNAL. So we should seek to be godly.