Usually everyone comes from some kind of dysfunctional background, and carries with them a lot of baggage from the past that creates problems in their lives right now.�
� If you cannot forgive, you cause much damage to your life, and joy will be removed because you won't let go of the hurts from your past.� We live in a world where we get hurt many times, sometimes intentionally, and sometimes not.� You can be set free if you will only forgive those who have harmed us.� But you are probably asking the question. "How can we?" A thing as difficult as death of a loved one is normally easier to get over in time, but unforgiveness goes on and on and on. It robs us of the joy in all areas of our life.�There's one person that loves your unforgiving attitude - guess who? - Satan.� Read 2 Corinthians 2: 10-11.� How can we live victoriously when people hurt us?
As a believer, we have all experienced the reality of forgiveness.� Jesus went to the cross so we could be forgiven.� It is a central theme of the Christian life.� When we say the Lord's Prayer, it tells us that we, like God, also must forgive those who hurt us.� Read Matthew 6:12.
� Are you confused as to how to forgive someone?� Or maybe you don't want to forgive.� We cannot undo a bad thing that has happened to us, but we can learn how to deal with it.�God created us as moral creatures and our own internal sense of justice makes us cry out for retaliation.� We want to get even, but this vengeful attitude only makes things worse.� It prolongs the pain and removes our joy. We think that somehow our bitterness and hurt are affecting the other person, when in reality it's probably only causing us pain.�Don't let the person who hurt you continue to do so by reliving the past and not letting go of it.� The only effective way to handle our hurts is for us to forgive that person, whether he or she ask for it or not.� This of course is not easy.� It requires patience as you go through the process.�However, I assure you that it will be worth it. It is necessary!
In the Lord's Prayer which consists of only 66 words, we see that one of the major points God is bringing out is the importance of us forgiving one another.� Read Matthew 6: 9-15.� It is against our human nature to forgive.� We want to take over God's jobs, but we must remember that vengeance is in God's domain.�Read Romans 12:19.� We need to forgive so that we can get on with our lives.�Read Psalm 103: 1-5; Colossians 1: 13-14; 1 John 1:9.
� Research has shown that many inmates have suffered physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as children.�Most of you probably are blaming this behavior on your past experiences as a child, and you refuse to take responsibility for your actions.� If you forgive those who have hurt you, you can no longer blame yourself for your behavior.� You can then get on with your life.
� The abuse you got as a child may have set you up for criminal behavior.� If this is the case, then you have to decide whether you stay in or out of this sin.� What is the forgiveness process?
1.�������It all starts with a good relationship.
2.�������The hurt happens.
3.�������The results are pain and anger that really does not leave.� It may be buried, but always there.�
4.�������Time passes and you come to a fork in the road (this can take years).� You can move forward to resolve it, or you can back off and stay on the cycle of pain and anger.
5.�������Acknowledge the hurt you have experienced by reviewing what happened, and look at it realistically.�Whatever you do, do not bury your feelings, ignore the reality of what happened, or convince yourselves that it didn't matter.�
6.�������Take your pain to God through prayer.� He will minister to the hurt you feel.� Read Psalm 55: 22a.
7.�������Place the blame where it belongs.� Don't make excuses for the other persons behavior.� Forgiveness is not just for others who have wronged you.� It can also be for yourself when you have made a wrong choice or failed in some way. �Read Hebrews 12: 2-3 and 14-15.
8.�������Surrender your right to get even.� Become willing to forgive.�Read Matthew 6: 14; Mark 11: 25; Luke 11:4; Ephesians 4:32, and Colossians 3:13. Let's take an example - When Jack was nine years old his dad took off one day for work and never came home.�Even before he left he wasn't much of a dad.� He used to beat the kids all the time.� Jack tried to protect the younger ones for a while, but it got so bad he just hung out on the street until after his dad passed out every night.� His older brother had already left home by then and was in jail for the first time.� It wouldn't be the last.�As Jack got older he got in more an more trouble.� School didn't matter, he was doing drugs, and ripping people off any way he could to get money he needed.� He even heard that his dad ended up in prison where he died.� Now Jack's sitting in a cell and he's angry. He's been angry for a long time and although he's just found Jesus, things aren't going so good for him.� He's got an attitude that just won't quit and he's not sure he can really trust God to make it better.� Jack needs to forgive his father, but how is he going to do this?� The man's dead.� There's no way his dad is ever going to apologize to Jack and he's never going to make it up to Jack for abandoning him or beating him.� What do you think Jack has to do?� Jack needs to spend some time to look at what his dad did and feel the pain of that abandonment he experienced when his dad left.�He can place the blame for his dad's choices on his dad.� It wasn't something that Jack did, or his brother, or his mother.� It was his dad's fault.� He was drunk, he was abusive, and he took no responsibility for his family.�He was a jerk.�� And what he did hurt Jack a lot.� It has affected his life very powerfully.� Now Jack needs to take his feelings of abandonment, anger, and deep sadness to God so that he can grieve his dad's leaving.� Jack has probably never done this.� More than likely he has just stayed angry to keep feeling the pain.� Since he really hasn't experienced this pain before, it might take him time to process it.�Grief does take time.� Jack may have to remind himself that his dad chose to leave and chose to drink and chose to beat his kids.� What his dad did was sin.� It was nothing Jack did to cause it.� He may also have to remind himself that his unforgiveness is a sin too.� Take time to pray and seek God's Word as to what he says about forgiveness.� The Holy Spirit will show Jack how to forgive and enable him to do so.� Read Philippians 2:13.
9.�������Confront the other person face to face or in your fantasy (imagination - this is necessary if they are dead, in a different section of the country, or they won't or can't talk to you); �forgive them and your feelings will begin to change.� Read Ephesians 5: 8-14.� When abuse is involved, get professional help if or when necessary.� I wouldn't recommend confronting the one who hurt you in person - this is safer done in your imagination only.� When confronting a person, first state the exact nature of the wrong and how it made you feel.� Then be quiet, and give the other person the opportunity to talk about it. Let him tell his story, and don't try to make him feel better, or interrupt, or try to make the person see it your way.�
10.����An extra bonus you get after forgiveness is the wonderful feeling of reconciliation (to settle a dispute,, to bring oneself to accept, or to re-establish a relationship).� It does not mean that the relationship goes back to what it was, but it is now on healthier ground.� If Jack's dad was alive and Jack could confront him face to face, does not mean that they now will see each other, and that their relationship will be all Jack ever hoped for.� What reconciliation does is help them to come to peace with each other, so that they may go on with their lives with respect for one another.� �Your relationship with the other person may never be like it was before the hurt, but when you begin to pray sincerely for their welfare, you will start to see a change in your feelings towards them.� Read Colossians 3:13, and Matthew 7:3-5.� You can only forgive people for what they do and not for who they are.�You accept who they are, but you do not have to like who they are.� And you do not have to associate with them or tolerate any more offenses.� You just forgive and/or accept them and then get on with your life.�
� FORGIVING YOURSELF
There is a forgiveness that requires our special attention.� It frees us from the shame of not living up to others' expectations.�It is sad to see friends or loved ones who carry a burden of shame because they can't live up to their parents' standards or what society expects of them, for example - the guy who can't find a� "real job" the way his mom expected him to have by the time he was 25; or the person who didn't finish school; or who ended up back in prison for breaking parole, or got fired from a job, etc.
� Perhaps the saddest situation of all is the unhealthy shame one carries from childhood that stems from hateful, hurtful, and careless things said or done by parents, teachers, pastors, and others (some of whom may even have been well meaning).� The pent-up hurt and guilt result in anger that is normally aimed at self and robs you of freedom, power, and the abundant life.�Unforgiveness of self can even doom you to failure - for your whole life.
� This unhealthy shame comes from believing the negative statements someone else has said about you, or when someone attacks who you are, rather than what you did.� Whatever you might have failed in, someone called you a failure, or you lied, and someone said you were a liar, or you missed an appointment, and someone called you irresponsible.� THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAILING AND BEING A FAILURE.� When we were young we probably didn't understand the difference.
� What do we do?� First we get angry at the stupid, hurtful and wrong things that were done to you as a child.� Secondly, in order to forgive yourself for not living up to false standards, you must tell yourself some truths.� The most important truth is that there is no condemnation now because you are in Christ Jesus.� Read Romans 8:1.
� Even if you have been very irresponsible at times in your past, you can change that right now.� Your third step is to go through the forgiveness process as listed here -
1.�������Be patient with yourself, because a deep hurt can take a long time to heal.� Colossians 3: 12-15.
2.�������Forgiving removes one more way Satan can outsmart us and rob us of our joy.� 2 Corinthians 2: 10-11.
3.�������Forgiveness requires your decision not to get even and to allow God to be judge of the mysterious depths of human behavior.� Romans 12: 19.
4.�������The most important thing to remember as you go through the forgiveness process is to make it a matter of prayer.
� As you can see, shame requires two kinds of forgiveness - 1.� Forgiving yourself, and 2. Forgiving the person who laid the false guilt on you.�You also need to know that though you have committed a crime and been convicted, that is not the same as being a criminal. Yes, you are paying the price for committing a crime, but you have repented and been forgiven.� Jesus paid the ultimate price for your crime.� He died for your sins.� And because of that you are a new creation in Christ Jesus, old things are past, all things have become new.� 1 Corinthians 5:17.
� So, even if you have committed a crime and been convicted, with God's help you can change who you are now.� First, forgive yourself..�I believe if you don't take care of all your unforgiveness from the past, as well as shame due to your criminal behavior, your rehabilitation will be drastically affected.� Remember, you used to be a criminal.� You serve time, but you are not a criminal any more.
Forgiveness is not going up to a person face to face or in your imagination and saying something like this, "I can understand why you did that wrong thing to me, and it is now okay and I forgive you." �You should say something like this, "I don't understand.� I'll never understand and it wasn't OK and it isn't OK, but I forgive you."� Forgiving doesn't make a person a doormat.� Forgiving isn't the same as tolerance.� Forgiving is healing yourself or something that happened to you that you cannot tolerate, but you forgive it as the only way to heal the wound that it left you with.
Once you have forgiven somebody, you should begin to dance instead of wallow. You begin to walk with God.�You set a prisoner free and you discover the prisoner you set free was you.
What impacted me the most when I accepted the Lord into my life, was that my sins were forgiven.�Read Matthew 6: 14-15, Luke 11: 2-4, and Matthew 18: 35.� Jesus leaves no doubt in my mind that our forgiveness of others is extremely important to God.� If the Creator of the entire universe can forgive you, doesn't it seem like a good idea to follow His example and forgive others?
Here's a prayer that will help you get started as you determine to forgive and get on with your life. Dear Heavenly father, I thank you for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance, and patience, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance (Romans 2:4).� I confess that I have not extended that same patience and kindness toward others who have offended me, but instead I have harbored bitterness and resentment.� I pray that during this time of self-examination You would bring to mind only those people whom I have not forgiven in order that I amy do so (Matthew 18: 35).� I ask this in the precious name of Jesus.� Amen.
As you pray, God may bring to mind offending people and experiences you have totally forgotten.�Let Him do it, even if it is painful.�Remember, you are doing this for your sake.� God wants you to be free.�Don't rationalize or explain the person's behavior. �Forgiveness deals with your pain, not another's excuses.� Positive feelings will follow in time; freeing yourself from the past is the critical issue.� �
Jesus clearly states that if we are to be forgiven we must forgive.� Read Matthew 6: 14-16.� Through the obedience to the Lord by forgiving others, and also receiving God's forgiveness for ourselves, we then know new freedom in Christ.� In this freedom we can find a new and deeper relationship with Jesus - our devotional time becomes richer, the blessing of God flow more freely, and we are liberated to experience fullness of joy in His presence.�