Maxwell’s Story
Max is a great kid. He has a bigger heart than the average twelve year old boy and an incredible talent for building, mechanics, doing “voices” and making all sorts of sound effects with his mouth, along with the tendency to do this for hours on end and at inappropriate times.
He learned to crawl, walk, and use the potty a bit behind the average child. Talking, however; was not a problem.
He remined in pre-school for one year longer than his peers after his teacher suggested that he was not mature enough to focus as well as would be required for Kindergarten. His pediatrician agreed with her, but pointed out that many boys need an extra year in the beginning and that this could only help him. There was some mention of ADHD, but as there was little sign of hyperactivity, it was suggested we wait and watch.
His behavior wasn’t as extreme as that of “most” children with ADHD (not the ones I knew of, anyway), so I was inclined to believe as his teacher did– that he would grow out of it. I knew some children with ADHD and had always wondered how their parents handled it. Their behavior was off the charts!! My son wasn’t like that. I later found out that many ADDers don’t engage in the extreme. It is simply the ones that do that get noticed. I was naive.
When he would get distracted before and during assigned tasks, I understood. I knew how it felt to be distracted and forget about the task at hand. But I also “knew” that if he tried hard enough, he could overcome it. He suffered through a lot of time-outs and mini lectures. Don’t get me wrong– time outs are a great idea and very useful for children with ADHD. But so is knowing what is making them “tick”. He watched his parents get exasperated and probably heard us discussing his disobedience more than once. I’m sure he saw some disappointment in our eyes. I am so sorry for that.
His first three years of school were tough.
“Max distracts the other children.”
“Max took “_____’s” shoe and hid it in the file cabinet and he thought it was funny!”
“Max didn’t take his homework home again today. That is the third time this week.”
“Max is getting teased by the other children. I’m concerned that his behavior is costing him friends.”
(Yeah, re-read that last line)
“Have you ever noticed that your son’s friends are all younger than himself?”
But also, “Max is a sweet boy. He is very helpful and attentive to other kids that are teased. He helps me out a lot and enjoys doing things for me.” I knew that. He loves to help me, too.
He didn’t mouth off to his teachers, run around the classroom overturning chairs, or get in fights. But remaining still in his chair was difficult. Schoolwork frustrated him.
At home, I found myself calling my mother for advice. “He just doesn’t respond to discipline!” And oh yes... we tried it all, but for abusing him and I think he FELT abused at times because he often didn’t understand exactly what he had done wrong– even with an explanation.
We still brushed away the concept of ADHD. He didn’t bounce off the walls, throw temper tantrums, or get violent with others. Those were the qualities I had noticed in children with ADHD.
He was a notorious thief. I can’t tell you how many times I took his backpack to school and dumped it out on the desk in front of his teachers. “These don’t belong to my son. Can you find out who they belong to?” He was made to answer for his behavior and was always disciplined. He spent more time being grounded or on restriction than the average kid. I continued to call my mom. “What am I doing wrong????”
I found out later that it was “tunnel vision”. At the moment he would steal, nothing else existed, no consequences, no thought of WHAT he was doing– just that impulse to have that interesting object in his possession. This had to change, but it is difficult to change something you don’t understand, especially for a child with ADHD.
It was his 4th grade teacher that revisited the idea of ADHD. He cared enough to look deeper and he called me in to have a talk. He himself is an ADDer. He saw a lot of himself in my son.
I made an appointment with a psychologist that specialized in this area. His teacher and I filled out many forms and questionnaires which we took with us to the appointment. I was told to bring his sisters with us so they could answer a few questions and be studied interacting with their brother.
It was a four hour long ordeal. He was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety stemming from the condition.*Note: A full evaluation is necessary to diagnose the condition. Max was observed by the psychologist, a doctor, a nurse, and a therapist during that visit.
As we were getting ready to leave, the specialist looked me in the eyes and said, “One thing I always do is pay close attention to the parents of the children. This has been shown to be genetic and truth to tell, you have many of the characteristics (distractibility, forgetfulness... “spacing” out...). I was floored. He gave me the name of a doctor who specialized in adult ADHD and two pamphlets– one on ADD in adults, and one on ADD in females. I read through them and took the self evaluation. I made an appointment for myself. My mom came with me to discuss what I was like as a child. She filled out questionnaires similar to those I had done for Max. I was diagnosed with the inattentive type of ADD and with social anxiety bordering on agoraphobia (I wasn’t always like that but it had gotten worse due to significant stress in my life).
We began our journey together. Well, truth to tell, we had been on the journey since birth, but now we had a map!
My Story
*coming soon