On the morning of November 20, 1994 a tractor trailer was speeding down the freeway.  He decided to change lanes and when he began to fish tail on the icy road,  he hit his brakes and lost control.   He went over the car  that Cara was in.
Why God Made Little Girls

God made the world with its lowering trees
Majestic mountains and restless seas.
Than paused and said,  It needs one more thing.
Some one to laugh and dance and sing,
To walk in the woods and gather flowers,
To commune with nature in quiet hours.
So God made little girls.
With laughing eyes and bouncing curls
With joyful hearts and infectious smiles
Enchanting ways  and feminine wiles.
And when he'd completed the task he'd begun
He was pleased and proud of the job he'd done.
For the world, when seen through a little girls eyes  Greatly resembles Paradise.
    Author unknown
This makes me think of  Cara
                        Aunt  Judy
On A Distant Shore
     It  has been nearly five years  since the death of our daughter.  I do not ask you to share the sorrow of our life.  The burden is far too  heavy and I  would pray that you never need to  experience it.   I do still enjoy laughter  and delight in having fun.  Those moments  help me on my way and make my life more bearable.   But if  you are to be my friend,  please accept that my life is forever changed.    Sometimes people feel that for my good,  they must try to change the road that I now walk.   "Others  handle it better,  why not  I  ?"    I do not know these others  that you compare me to.  I have not met them or spoken with them.   So I can not speak to how they have handled their grief,  or respond to what you are thinking.
It is easy to deal with the casual acquaintance who will make a thoughtless or rude remark, because we can simply turn our back and walk away.   It   is far more difficult with close friends and family members who are trying to  "Help Us".   It is the small comments.  The look which sometimes passes across the face.  The little things that are said in subtle and indirect ways.   This effort to help me or any other parent is so hurtful.  You do not realize that your desire to help can cause so much pain and anger.  There is a need to talk about our child.  There is a need to remember and a need to say her name out loud.  These comments make us feel that we are to grieve in silence.  These comments make us feel that we are to put aside these precious memories.
           My life is forever changed.  There is no route back to the carefree person who I used to be.  That person no longer exists,  she died on the highway with my daughter.  If you are my friend,  you must accept that and you must learn that my daughter now lives within me.  Her body died but her life still has meaning.  She walks with me daily.  Her voice,  I still hear  clearly and her laughter is like soft chimes in my memory.  For nearly 26 years she consumed  my every waking moment and often my dreams  as  I slept.  I knew her before the moment of her birth and I loved her through every stage of her life.  How  would  you have me remove those memories from my mind.  Why would you believe  I would be willing to do so?
              I still see the beauty of her face.  I still hear the laughter in her voice.  I still take pride in who she was.  I see her taking her first steps.   I see her pigtails and her baseball cap as she pitched the winning games.  I see her coming home to tell me of all that was happening in her life.  The excitement of each achievement.  The tears when she was hurt, and her joy of living.   She is alive in me and her spirit fills my soul.  It is my greatest treasure.   It is also the source of my deep sorrow.  I would  far rather see her  face,  hear her  laughter and  feel her arms circle me with love in my life.  But that is not possible.  So I  will cling  to my memories  as she dances through my mind.
             If  you are my friend you must accept that my sorrow will always be part of  me. Do not ask me to sit in silence and never utter her name.   Do not ask me  to stand on a stage and perform  a play where everyone lives happily  ever after.  Many people in this world live  with  deep sorrow.   We do not  ask you to feel our  pain.   We truly pray that you never will.   We understand  your lack of ability to understand us.   We  want only happiness for you in your life.   But we resent that you do not  see that these years are heavy on us.  We bow beneath  the weight of it  but  we must carry it.  We  were never given a choice.
            So  be my friend.  Just come and  share your laughter and let us enjoy this time of  friendship.   Realize that I have not stopped living my life.  I still reach out  to help others.  I still care about people.  I  still  love  my children and grandchildren.    I care about what happens in your life and  stand ready  if  you ever  need a helping hand.  I  live my life to the best of my ability and I will continue to do so.   So  if   it  is too  difficult  for you to hear me say her name, or listen to some memory that passes through my mind as we talk and  if you can not accept my life as it is now,   then you must go from my side and leave me.   Go in peace and with all of my love,  I will miss your company but   I will accept and understand.   But if   you choose to stay,  do not ask me to pretend that everything is wonderful in my life.   That would be asking me to live a lie.  That is to say to me...."You have buried her body,  now you must bury her spirit"  I will not do that.   A  true  friend   would not ask  that of me.                         
The death of someone we love is always shattering.   To love is to carry another with in oneself,  to keep a special place  in one's  heart for him or her.  This spiritual space is nourished by a physical  presence;  death, then, tears out a part of our own heart.  Those who deny the suffering of death have never truly loved;  they live in a spiritual illusion.

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream,
This can't  be real,   I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside.
God help me,  I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question,  Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens,   it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face.
"You must move on, and leave this place."
Yet,   I am trapped right here in time,
The song's  the same,  as is the rhyme.
I  lost  my  child.......  today.....
Netta  Wilson - - - 1996

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      I am sure that many people  question why parents are putting  memorial pages  to their children on the  world web.  To some it may  seem unhealthy  and even inappropriate.  It is of course a way to remember our children,  but  it is far more than that.  When a parent  has  lost their child  the best help they can receive is from  other parents who have suffered the same loss and  who fully understands that pain.  This grief  is a total devastation of us and everything our life  has been.   It is horrifying enough to lose a child but to go through it  alone is unbearable.   Many of these pages are an effort to reach out and touch each other.   Sometimes by sharing our thoughts, we are able to give and  receive  comfort and help from each other.  If  our words  help even one parent who  has lost a child  ~ they are   important and do  deserve a place  on the web.   The internet  is the best way to reach those who are grieving and need what little support we can offer to each other.                       Netta
December 2 1968  ~   November 20 1994
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