SCREAMERS During the Civil War era, the slang term "screamers" referred to painful dysentery. Happily, Christian Duguay�s Screamers (1995) won�t give you diarrhea, but it may make you reach for the pink stuff nonetheless. From the tiresome prologue we learn that in the far future (approximately 75 years) mankind has successfully colonized a planet zillions of light years away to promptly rape it of it�s only valuable resource: a miraculous fuel compound with an important-sounding name. During a decade-long war between two rival factions, mad scientists on the planet developed a self-replicating saw blade that travels under dirt seeking people to mince. Oh, the saws scream when they move, hence the title. RoboCop (Peter Weller sans RoboSuit) is the leader at one faction�s planetary headquarters who begins believing that his government back on Earth is lying to him about the war. Suddenly, a spaceship crashes off-screen thirty feet from headquarters� front door leaving one unharmed survivor. After the survivor confirms RoboCop�s suspicions about the war, the pair set out to make peace with their enemies. While wearing their anti-screamer bracelets and smoking anti-radiation cigarettes that look like Camel Mandarins, the duo discover a young lad in a deserted city holding a teddy bear. Unbeknownst to RoboCop, however, the screamers have evolved from saw blades to cyborg boys who say, "Can I come with you?" although without screaming. Powerless to resist his lure, the two men make it with the boy to enemy territory where smugglers recognize the screamer trap and shoot him before he wages wholesale slaughter. The boy�s brother screamers, though, have already wiped out the entire enemy population, except for the smugglers. While he ogles the smuggler leader�s breasts as she toplessly washes her armpits, RoboCop quickly strikes a deal with her to help each other escape. Soon, they discover a new screamer that looks sort of like a Sharkticon, and subsequently one of the smugglers kills another under suspicion that he, too, is a screamer. Convinced this film should be dubbed Yawners, I pressed the remote control�s STOP button and turned it to C-SPAN where Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) questioned Ex-Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling. "According to Mr. Bolton," said McCain, "you flew to Portland, Oregon, to meet privately with Enron Broadband executives and employees. You told him the business �faced a complete meltdown, Bolton recalled. There was no demand for high-speed Internet services and prices were plummeting.� Do you recall that?" "What was the date on that, sir?" asked Skilling. "Sometime in March of 2001." "March of 2001, yes, I recall a trip to Portland." In conclusion: C-SPAN 2, Screamers 0.

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