THE EIGHTEENTH ANGEL All of us have wondered how we would bring Satan to life, given the chance. Director William Brindley submits his designs in a fictional account of this daunting task in The Eighteenth Angel (1997), a soulless film that leaves you on the edge of your coffin. In order to make the Dark Father flesh, a group of devil worshipping Etruscan monks (sort of like Aztec nuns) team up with evil scientists to combine DNA from seventeen sacrificed boys and girls that can only be extracted by ripping off their faces. These children can�t be just any Janes and Joes, though; no, they must have "faces of angels." And why seventeen? Because an eighteenth child will then become possessed by the Prince of Darkness just in time for an ancient astrological clock to strike Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, 18 = 6 + 6 + 6; are you with me yet? When fifteen-year-old Lucy Stanton accompanies her mother on an interview with the secretly- evil Father Maximilian Schell, the monk ogles the girl with the relish of a pedophile, designates her the eighteenth angel, and causes her mother to jump off the church roof using mind control. In the throws of hammed-up grief, Lucy and her equally distraught dad, Hugh, settle down to an otherwise mundane life until the cult murders her cat...for the Hell of it, of course. In existential despair, Lucy visits the museum on a field trip with her Catholic schoolgirl classmates dressed in skimpy short skirts. While she admires a piece of art, a devil worshipper uses a telephoto lens camera to admire her, snapping off pictures until Lucy notices and begins posing for a multitude of close-ups. In fact, Brindley loves close-ups, shooting most of the film three feet from the actors� faces and saving millions on production design. The devil worshipping photographer convinces Lucy that she can be a famous model only if she follows him to Italy, the nexus of Etruscan evil. Tortured scenes of daughter-dad conflict ensue until an unconvinced Hugh receives a phone call from yet another devil worshipper who offers him the opportunity to study Italian music in Italy. To further turn her against Hugh, a handsome, long-haired, twenty-something devil worshipper lures Lucy onto his saddle-less horse where we get yet another close-up of her in slow motion moaning to the rippling horse muscles in her virgin crotch. Meanwhile, Hugh�s been doing research and, with a turncoat devil worshipper, foils the diabolical plan just before Lucifer becomes Lucy; or, so we think until the film�s final frame tells otherwise. If you�re a superstitious churchgoer whose world�s worst worries are pedophiles, cults, astrology, numerology, male long hair, sex and science, this is the movie for you.

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