The Rules of War.
The Most Important Rule of All
General Rules
- First and foremost, the war is no longer a war of two sides but a war of two classes. These are the upper class and working classes. All non-British soldiers are classless. The exception to this is the Indians, who are effectively divided into humble serfs and Princes.
- Bearing this in mind, it is important to remember that the war was now fought between the British and the Germans. Tokenistic reference can possibly made to either the Canadians or the Australians (both Races of Giants), but on no account should the American involvement be mentioned.
- Despite the racial stereotypes already encountered, German soldiers can only be referred to indirectly as “Johnny Foriegner”
- Do no refer to the war as “Great”, even though history wants to apply this term. Acceptable means are “During the war” or if you are upper class “During the Waaa”. Post 1945, the same rules apply, but actors must use a prop to denote which war. If you are working class, this is a battered helmet or ragged medal. If upper class, a shooting stick.
- For the upper classes, the war was “frightful”
- For working classes, “It was a terrible business, g’vner, but we stuck through it”.
- For both sides, a touch of ‘the old nerves’ is acceptable. This is depicted either by a limp, or wobbly handwriting.
- Unless you are Mel Gibson, this is the Western Front. More specifically, it’s the Somme, but don’t worry because the mud of Flanders has insinuated itself up the trench system and will make sporadic appearances whenever it is nessecary to comment on how soul-destroying the war experience is.
- The day has a slightly different structure. At the Front, there are 18 hours of darkness followed by 6 hours of rain. Fortunately, it never rains at night and every third day is violently sunny. Unfortunately, this is the day when you go “over the top” and get killed.
- Singing is allowed only if done with heavy irony. The two songs permitted are “Tipperary” and “Pack up your Troubles”. This rule applies only to the working classes and must be sung en masse. Johnny Foreigner will respond to these outbursts with “Silent Nacht”.
- All privates are working class. They all smoke roll-ups and drink copious quantities of tea. When they aren’t doing this, they take their guns to pieces and clean them.
- All sergeants are working class, and either honest working men who have to be cruel to their men to be kind, or vicious disciplinarians who experience a change of heart as soon as something bad happens. All of these men have earned the unswerving loyalty of their men. They have big mustaches which they stroke almost continuosly.
- The captain is middle/upper class. He has a small mustache but doesn’t touch it very often because he is too busy staring into the middle-distance. This denotes shellshock. The captain drinks and usually has a batman who is some sort of servant from home – the best types are stable-boys, butlers or the sons of butlers. This batman will die about half-way through the proceedings. The captain is a coward and the men have no respect for him, but don’t worry, because he will do something redeeming by the end and lose his life in the process.
- The captain is not only shell-shocked but also gay. He carries a small volume of poetry in his left hand. You will know this because it will have “Sassoon, Poems” written on it in a historically inaccurate typeface. Don’t get too close to him, because he will promptly get drunk and start reading Blake (or somesuch) to you. Fortunately, this is usually the Sergeant’s main duty.
- The captain is in fact, this man:
- The general has the biggest mustache of the lot. Expect him to give an improbable order and insist it is carried out immediately. This task will involve field punishment of the best man in the battalion. Field punishment means “clean everyone’s boots for the next half-hour of the film”.
- The battalion is led by The Sergeant, and The Captain. The rest of you have just signed up except for the Old Bloke in the Corner. He’s seen it all and is lucky because he’ll live to at least the last scene. If you’re really lucky, he’ll try to save your life when you go over the top, but don’t worry; he’ll fail. The rest of the battalion are The Really Young Idealistic One. The Cynical One Who Used To Be A Criminal, The Nice But Dim One, The One Whose Name You Don’t Remember Because He Does Something Stupid Early On and Gets Killed, and Your Brother.
- The only signs of nature (other than the mud, which doesn’t count) are skylarks and poppies.
- When going on rest (if lucky), there are only two places behind the lines. The first is a very large pub with wooden floorboards. Here everyone except you gets roaring drunk, but this is your moment of glory, because you have the central role of looking unhappy and being unable to join in. The other alternative is outside the local brothel. The tarts that inhabit this place are either heading south or are pretty ‘in a rural sort of way’. Intercourse with any of them is impossible however, as you will find the experience only reminds you of how futile and ghastly the war has become. Possibly this encounter will remind you of a particularly grisly incident you experienced recently, or it will stir you into a potential act of violence, in which case you will bottle it and run outside, only to find everyone else seems to be quite happily getting their end away inside.
- It doesn’t matter how rigourously you avoid battle or how many Germans you befriend (and they certainly seem to be a friendly lot once you get close to them) – you are still going to die.
Use the following phrases at least once –
If You are A Private:
‘Ere! You can’t do that!’
‘Quick! It’s Fritz!’
‘NOOooooooooo!!!!!’
‘Blimey mate, that was a close/lucky/pert one!’
If You are a Sergeant
‘Right Lads, ‘op too it!’
‘Right Lads, you ‘eard the Captain’
‘Right Lads, it’s now or nevah!!!’
Practise the following aggressive dialogue “just in case”
Q. ‘Oo goes there?’
A. ‘Friends’
When the other party has left, mutter ‘but not your friends, matey’
If You Are the Captain.
‘I tell you, it’s a ghastly business…’
‘…..’ (remember that this speech must be performed whilst staring into the middle distance).
‘So, ermm…Hawkins…how’s your ummm “missus” then’ (when talking to soldiers below oneself).
If You Are A German.
‘Hello, Tommeee’
'Would you like cigar, Tommeee? Yes, not so bad, not so bad...'
‘For you my friend, the war iss over’
‘Schell! Tommies!’
‘Ach!’
‘Mein Gott!’
(note that the German’s always get the best lines in the same way that the villains in Kung Fu movies have the worst dubbing)
(Working Class Edition. Please note variable accent)
Deerest Mum,
Thank yu for the food wot yu sent us last week. It were grand. Lif ‘ere at the frunt is not the bloomin’ lark wot I fort it might be, but me an me mates are in the pink. The sooks you sent larst week wer reet yousful but next time can yu makes them biger? We is expectin’ anuffer big push soon. Dont forget how much I luvs yer.
Yoor sun,
Bertie
(Upper-class edition.)
Farquararar,
God, I can’t tell you how bloody awful it is here. But I know you in “civvy street” as the men so quaintly call it could never comprehend the ghastliness of this whole dreadful business, but let me try to express it in the words of Houseman (six pages of verse follow). God, at least the men keep smiling; the poor dumb beasts that they are… We’re expecting another advance any day soon. Dammit all. Life is so fragile, Oh the horror, pity and futility of it all.
I will always be your Sir Janus,
Edward.
War is Hell
