Navigating through hazards in Internet discussions
List of hazards
Here's a list of some hazards I've seen:
1. Mobbing: A long series of injurious posts addressed to me, from several
people.
2. No response: Sometimes I pour my heart out and no one responds.
3. Noise and interference.
4. Disillusionment.
5. Panic attacks.
6. Red herrings.
7. Maligning and scolding.
8. Defensive reactions of others.
9. Wild goose chases.
10. Emotional and psychological abuse.
11. Bullying and manipulation.
12. Systemic abuse.
13. Indirect abuse.
14. Inequality and repression.
15. Unmarked boundaries.
16. Blackballing.
17. Smearing.
18. Moving and disappearing posts and threads.
19. Reactions of companions.
20. Mistaken identity.
21. Fame.
22. Systematic misinterpretation.
23. My own stupidity.
24. Imagining dishonest or inimical intentions.
25. Mirages.
Ideas for navigating through some hazards
Mobbing
A long series of injurious posts addressed to me, from several people.
One
way I've found to avoid that is to avoid starting threads of my own.
Whenever I think of starting a new thread, I consider looking for an
existing thread where I can post my idea, instead.
If I
do decide to start a new thread, I try to find a title that says what I
want to talk about without threatening or alarming anyone.
If
I do get mobbed, I temporarily set aside whatever I was trying to do,
and stop posting except to answer questions, which I try to answer
honestly without prolonging the discussion. Some time later, I
reconsider my goals and methods, and try again.
No response
Sometimes I pour my heart out and no one responds.
Sometimes I just have to face the fact that no one's interested in talking to me. No one signed any agreement to talk to me.
There's
always a possibility that someone who *is* interested in talking to me,
missed my post, or couldn't think of anything to say, or got
distracted, or just didn't have enough time to respond to all the posts
she wanted to respond to.
Whenever there is someone I
would especially like to respond, I address that person by name in my
post. Sometimes, if I see a possibility that someone missed my post or
whatever, I send him a private message with a copy of my post,
explaining that I thought he might have missed it.
Noise and interference
This
has been the most challenging hazard for me, in every Internet
discussion, moderated or unmoderated. I'm trying to discuss an issue
with someone, or trying to understand him, and a thousand red herrings
get dragged across our path, which he follows, forgetting all about his
dialogue with me. Sometimes the other person is mobbed and runs away.
One
solution I've thought of is private messages, but I haven't tried that
much, and when I have, the results have sometimes been disastrous, at
least for me.
Disillusionment
This
is a kind of red herring that I sometimes drag across my own path.
Little by little, I learn that other people in an Internet discussion
are not doing what I thought they would be doing, and don't even seem
interested in it. If my ideas about what they would be doing came from
the description or mission statement, I feel betrayed, and I'm tempted
to try to intimidate or shame people into doing what I thought they
would be doing.
My solution to that is to forget about
the description or mission statement, stop thinking about what the
forum is *not*, start over, take a fresh look, and try to learn what it
*is*. Usually I decide that it still interests me, but maybe not as
much as it did before.
Another part of my solution is to
learn what I can do, individually, to help make the forum more like
what I thought it would be, for others, to practice that, and to talk
sometimes about what I'm doing.
Also, I might start looking somewhere else for what I thought I would find there.
Panic attacks
Sometimes
I feel an insistent urge to try to stop something I see people doing,
like abusing others or spreading slander. I think that yielding to that
temptation has mostly been detrimental to my purposes.
I've
just had to learn to resist the temptation. I've found better things
for me to do about slander and abuse, than arguing with people who are
doing it.
Red herrings
Sometimes
I get lured into discussions that are detrimental to my purposes, or
that divert me from better things I could be doing. There are many ways
that can happen. One red herring I've learned to avoid is discussions
about the morality of gay relationships. Another is "substantiate or
retract" rituals. Another is theological debates. Another is trying to
defend myself when I see people maligning or scolding me.
Maligning and scolding
I've
learned not to try to defend myself when I see people maligning or
scolding me, but I've been experimenting with asking questions. For
example, here's how I responded to one scolding:
. . . are you imagining that, contrary to what I've said about my reasons:
- my decision is about avoiding discomfort?
- my decision is about being afraid of people's reactions?
- my decision is about not being able to handle being misunderstood?
- my decision is about lack of courage?
- I do not want to take the consequences for what I started?
- I do not wish to listen or accept that there are other views out there?
- my decision is about being in control?
- I'm not willing to take the consequences of my actions?
Defensive reactions of others
Defensive
reactions from others can create a lot of confusion and distraction,
and demoralize people, all of which can be very detrimental to my
purposes. One way I've learned to avoid setting off other people's
defensive reactions is by training myself not to say or insinuate
anything uncomplimentary about anyone, without at least a week of
preparation.
Wild goose chases
Sometimes
after I've invested a lot of time and effort in a discussion with
someone, he just drops me. Sometimes I feel tricked, cheated, and
resentful, and start doubting the person's good faith.
I don't see how to avoid that without closing in too much. I just need to find good ways to recover from it.
Emotional and psychological abuse
Just
realizing that I'm being abused, goes a long way towards helping me
recover. Knowing the symptoms helps. Then I respond to it the way I
respond to maligning and scolding.
Also, I try to find
things to do, and people to be with, to help boost my morale, and I try
to periodically spend some time away from the abuse.
I
imagine there's a lot more to say about navigating through emotional
and psychological abuse, but that's all I can think of for now.
More about maligning and scolding.
Sometimes
humor helps. Once in a forum, one person said that I'm terminally
annoying, that I turn everything into a Leo Buscaglia encounter
session, that her forum is not the place for my psychological
stream-of-consciousness diary, that I should stop wasting the forum
owner's bandwidth with my mewling and puking, that she had tried to
find a forum for me named "Bluebirds and Butterflys Play with Bunnies,"
and a few other things. When someone posted a message to me, she told
her to stop feeding the animals. Another person said I'm boorish, and a
crashing bore.
I posted this at the beginning of two threads I had started:
----
<edited date="12/19/04">
! ! ! W A R N I N G ! ! !
This
thread is inhabited by a mewling, puking, buscaglian, stepfordish,
maundering, boorish, terminally annoying, world-saving,
demon-possessed,
crashing bore!!!
According to some
reports, this creature sprays an unbelievably disgusting stream of
consciousness, to the tune of "Bluebirds and Butterflys Play with
Bunnies," at anyone who passes by.
D O _ N O T _ F E E D _ I T ! ! !
P R O C E E D _ A T _ Y O U R _ O W N _ R I S K ! ! !
</edited>
----
Someone else called me a weenie, so a few times I signed my posts "Weenie."
Bullying and manipulation.
I
consider what the person wants me to do. Sometimes I decide it's a good
idea, and I do it. Apart from that, I just respond to whatever kind of
hazard is involved, like maligning and scolding, interference, or red
herrings.
Systemic abuse.
In
each Internet discussion, some kinds of abuse are socially accepted.
For example, in some forums it's socially acceptable to abuse people
who are branded "fundamentalists." In others, it's socially acceptable
to abuse gays.
The social acceptability of the abuse
makes it harder to recognize, intensifies the effects, and reduces the
possibilities for finding moral support within the group. Once I've
recognized it, I respond the same ways I would if it were not socially
acceptable. It might take more time and effort. I haven't thought of
any special ways of navigating through socially acceptable abuse,
besides what I do with abuse in general.
Once in a forum I was branded as a troller, and everyone started ignoring me. That continued for many months.
That
was before I learned to be more careful about starting new threads, and
to stop trying to make people do what the forum description said they
were doing. After I learned all that, it just took a few months of
patience and perseverance to change my reputation.
Indirect abuse.
Sometimes
a person can be abused by discussions not explicitly and specifically
aimed at her. For example, a person who knows she has been branded as a
fundamentalist can be abused by some discussions about fundamentalists.
A gay can be abused by some discussions about gays.
I
don't think I have much personal experience with that. Maybe a little,
from some discussions about white people, about Americans, and about
Baha'is, but not much. When I see abusive discussions around those
labels, I don't feel like they're really talking about me, so it
doesn't go very deep.
If I felt abused that way, all I can think of that I might do is the same as what I do with any other kind of abuse.
Inequality and repression.
I
don't know of any Internet discussion without privileged members, and
at least one category of people who are systematically repressed. I see
trying to change that as a kind of red herring that I've sometimes
dragged across my own path. I don't try to change it any more. All I
want to do now is try to help repressed people learn to navigate
through systemic abuse.
Unmarked boundaries.
Besides
written rules and guidelines, a forum or list may have unmarked,
shifting boundaries, enforced by systemic abuse. A person who crosses
one of those boundaries is relentlessly and mercilessly abused until
she retreats. Besides ignoring her appeals for help, administrators and
moderators may actually join in the assault.
I'm willing
to stay inside those boundaries, once I find out where they are. The
hard part is finding out where they are. I've never found any way to
map them besides trial and error.
I agree to stay inside
those boundaries, so my solution, when I see that I've crossed one, is
to retreat, and in some cases lie low for a while.
If I
didn't agree to stay inside those boundaries, I might just go ahead,
and navigate through whatever abuse I encountered on the way.
Blackballing.
Sometimes
someone who is posting is ostracized. The allegations against her may
be open and explicit, or they may be planted in people's minds without
being explicitly stated or aimed at her.
Every time that
has happened to me, it was after a prolonged conflict with
administrators or trend setters, over some unmarked boundaries. My
solution was to stop having prolonged conflicts with administrators and
trend setters!
In one forum, it took me many months to
recover from being blackballed. In another, after I accommodated the
trend setters, and responded with good humor to the blackballing, my
good standing was restored.
Smearing.
Sometimes
someone posts messages in threads where I'm posting, that I'm afraid
will plant ideas in people's minds, associating me or my ideas with
some people who are commonly despised or feared where I'm posting. For
example, he might include explicit or thinly veiled allusions to them
in a response to one of my posts.
That used to distract
me a lot, but now I've learned to ignore it as a red herring, or to
respond with questions as I have tried doing with maligning and
scolding.
If people took it seriously, and I were ostracized, then I might treat it as blackballing.
Moving and disappearing posts and threads.
Sometimes
my posts, or someone else's, or entire threads, are moved or deleted.
Sometimes I can treat that as interference and noise, but there is one
special case that happened to me in another forum, that was especially
challenging for me. I finally had to stop posting there altogether.
The
forum administrators had a habit of responding to some of my posts by
deleting entire threads without warning, sometimes threads with dozens
of posts by other people, who were not even alleged to have violated
any guidelines. I wasn't willing to jeopardize other people's
discussions, so I stopped posting there altogether. I tried over a
period of more than a year to resolve the problem with the
administrators. I even contacted some of the investors in the company
that ran the forum, all in vain. I never did find a solution.
Reactions of companions.
Sometimes
my companions in Internet discussions might mock me or scold me, or
exclude me from their fellowship, if I do something they disapprove of,
or if I disapprove of something they do, or even just try to stay out
of it.
I can respond to that the way I respond to
maligning and scolding, emotional and psychological abuse, or
blackballing. That's a lot harder to do though, with companions than
with other people.
One thing that has helped me keep from
being dragged around on a leash by my companions, is studying articles
about adult bullying. Here are two links:
http://www.provcomm.net/pages/joe/adult_bullying.htm
"The
practice of adult bullying has come to be recognised as an epidemic of
violence in our society, and may represent the number one relational
dysfunction found in society today."
http://www.bullyonline.org/index.htm
"Bullying
is present behind all forms of harassment, discrimination, prejudice,
abuse, persecution, conflict and violence. When the bullying has a
focus (eg race or gender) it comes out as racial prejudice or
harassment, or sexual discrimination and harassment, and so on. When
the bullying lacks a focus (or the bully is aware of the Sex
Discrimination Act or the Race Relations Act), it comes out as pure
bullying; this is an opportunity to understand the behaviours which
underlie almost all reprehensible behaviour. I believe bullying is the
single most important social issue of today."
Mistaken identity.
Sometimes
people attribute someone else's ideas and behavior to me. I've been
able to avoid that by not participating in the kinds of discussions
where that can happen. So far, I haven't felt like I've missed
anything. In fact, it has helped me avoid some red herrings that I
might have followed otherwise. I still may respond privately to some
posts in those threads.
Fame.
Sometimes people start using my name in their debates. That can create other problems for me, besides mistaken identity.
When that happens, I completely withdraw from the forum for a few weeks.
Systematic misinterpretation.
Sometimes
a person misreads all of my posts, for a variety of reasons. For
example, it might be because of the way he's labelled me, or because of
his previous experiences with me.
I haven't found any
solution for that. When a person is misreading *all* of my posts, then
the more I try to explain myself, the worse it gets.
My own stupidity.
I
had forgotten, the worst hazard I've encountered in Internet
discussions is my own stupidity. Sometimes I feel like a bull in a
china shop.
I thought I had learned my lesson about
starting new threads, but yesterday I did it again, in another forum. I
thought my new thread would be well received, but the only responses
were two hostile posts from forum administrators, asking me to explain
the title of the thread.
I don't have the heart to try to
explain. It's like having to explain a joke. I was dumbfounded that it
required an explanation, and crushed by the hostile response. I'd
rather be banned, than try to explain. I sent messages to the forum
admistrators, saying that I'm banning myself from the forum.
I'm
not recommending that as a general solution. I'm not even imagining
it's the best solution for me in this case. I just can't bring myself
to try to explain the thread, and now I feel so far out of sync in that
forum, that I don't even want to see it any more.
Misreading friendly signs.
When someone seems friendly to me in an Internet discussion, I start imagining we're friends.
BZZZZT!!!!!!
So NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes.
Misunderstandings.
I
don't see misunderstandings as much of a hazard, in themselves, in
Internet discussions. The hazards come from what people sometimes do
with their misunderstandings.
I think that as long as two
people keep talking to each other, if they both have friendly
intentions, and each one presumes friendly intentions in the other, any
misunderstandings will eventually be discovered and corrected. That may
be a big "if": *if* each one presumes friendly intentions in the other.
That brings up another hazard: losing faith other people's friendly
intentions.
I imagine a lot could be said about discovering and correcting misunderstandings. I'll be thinking about that.
Imagining dishonest or inimical intentions
Sometimes
I start imagining dishonest or inimical intentions behind someone's
posts, or she starts imagining dishonest or inimical intentions behind
mine. That can lead to grievous injury and injustice
Of course it's possible that one of us *does* have dishonest or inimical intentions.
I
see this as a red herring, and a major source of injury and injustice
in Internet discussions. One person just *knows* that another person's
intentions are dishonest or inimical, and becomes obsessed with
ferreting them out, exposing them, and foiling them.
Sometimes it may be a panic attack:
----
Sometimes
I feel an insistent urge to try to stop something I see people doing,
like abusing others or spreading slander. I think that yielding to that
temptation has mostly been detrimental to my purposes.
I've
just had to learn to resist the temptation. I've found better things
for me to do about slander and abuse, than arguing with people who are
doing it.
----
Sometimes the temptation is extremely
compelling. What if you see someone pouring poison into the public
water supply? That's the way I feel sometimes about something I see
someone doing. I've struggled with that a lot. I'll come back to that
in another post. For now I'll just consider situations where I'm
imagining dishonest or inimical intentions, without imagining that the
fate of all of humanity is at stake. Then I treat what I'm imagining as
a red herring, and try to imagine friendly intentions, instead. It's a
lot of work, but it's been worth it for me.
What if the
person really does have dishonest or inimical intentions? If it isn't a
matter of life or death (see panic attack), then those intentions are
irrrelevant, in any discussion between us. What matters between us are
her friendly intentions, if she has any. If she doesn't, then I have
nothing to say to her. She'll just have to carry on by herself.
What if I imagine friendly intentions that aren't there?
So
what? Is that too much of a risk to take, to avoid tons of grievous
injury and injustice? I might lose some time, I might look like a fool.
Is that really too much of a risk, to avoid tons of grievous injury and
injustice? Again, right now I'm talking about a situation where I'm not
trying to save the whole universe from destruction. In that case, I
treat my ideas about dishonest or hostile intentions as red herrings,
and try to imagine friendly intentions. I might tell the person what
friendly intentions I'm imagining, and ask her if I'm right, or if she
has other friendly intentions I haven't thought of.
What
if I get the idea that someone is imagining that I have dishonest or
inimical intentions? I just navigate through whatever hazards she's
putting in my path. I might also ask questions, like "are you imagining
that I'm trying to convert people?"
More about panic attack.
----
Sometimes
I feel an insistent urge to try to stop something I see people doing,
like abusing others or spreading slander. I think that yielding to that
temptation has mostly been detrimental to my purposes.
I've
just had to learn to resist the temptation. I've found better things
for me to do about slander and abuse, than arguing with people who are
doing it.
----
What if I see someone pouring poison
into the public water supply? What if I think I see someone trying,
surreptitiously or otherwise, to spread ideas that I think turn
people's lives into nightmares, and sometimes even kill people, at
their own hands or the hands of others?
Same answer. I
see much better ways of protecting people from the harm I see in those
ideas, than denouncing, scolding, and beleaguering people who look like
they're trying to promote them.
More about imagining dishonest or inimical intentions.
What if I have ideas about dishonest or inimical intentions behind someone's posts, that won't go away, and that might be coming between us, whether they are true or false?
Then I can tell the person about those ideas, not in the form of accusations, but in the form of a confession. For example:
"I
keep imagining that all you're really doing here is trying to promote
what I would call like a kind of political platform, which I see as
inimical to gays. I'm telling you because I can't get that idea out of
my head, it might be coming between us, and it might help to bring it
out in the open."
"I keep
imagining that all you're really doing here is trying to promote what I
would call like a kind of political platform, which I see as inimical
to people who have conscientious objections to homosexual practices.
I'm telling you because I can't get that idea out of my head, it might
be coming between us, and it might help to bring it out in the open."
"I
keep imagining that all you're really doing here is trying to use some
people here as voodoo dolls for people who have abused you. I'm telling
you because I can't get that idea out of my head, it might be coming
between us, and it might help to bring it out in the open."
I can also try to imagine friendly intentions the person might have, as I explained above.
Debasement.
Once
I read a post that seemed to come from such an extreme state of moral
degradation that I felt like I was reading something out a story by
H.P. Lovecraft. I felt the life draining out of me, as if I had been
pierced with a poisoned arrow or dart. I've always been conscious that
Internet discussions can be hazardous to my moral and spiritual health,
but that really brought it home to me.
One solution to
that is to stay away as much as possible from unhealthy influences. I
need other solutions, though, because in my work I can't always avoid
exposure to an unhealthy environment.
Another solution is
plenty of exposure to healthy environments and influences, such as
inspiring literature, and healthy associations.
