|
| |
Old Jokes Page 3. (Whew, so many!)
Andy Rooney On vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian
word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
A Cajun, down by the bayou, was
recently stopped by a game warden .
The Cajun had two ice chests full of fish. The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The Cajun replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no."
"Dese are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Aw Ya." Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
'round for a while. When I whistle and dey jump rat back into de ice chests and
I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of bull hockey!" "Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's de truth ma' fren, come I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The curious game warden said.
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden asked.
"Call who back?" the Cajun asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
Clyde, a farmer in Alabama,
decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking
company (responsible for the
accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, just answer the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans.
About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me and said, "And, how are you feeling?"
I just need enough to tide me over until I
need more!
The Cop Test
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best
at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He
releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Can you imagine working for a company that has a
little more than 500 employees and has the following
statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States
Congress.
The same group of fools that crank
out hundreds of
new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in
line !!!!Note: I know
this is old, but I doubt the latest statistics fair much better. My concern?
Why should we expect better than what we put in?
In a recent interview, General Norman
Schwartzkof was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the
people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11
attacks on America. His answer:
"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to
arrange the meeting."
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch,
you must first create the universe."
-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people
don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame
everything on Satan."
-- George Burns
|
