Some Favorite Oxymorons

These are the notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy %#$@, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @#$%-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. wench is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I craped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my backside with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava like substance to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.



The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend
a lot of money.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles
or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it
over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said
the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, honey!"



A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet storekeeper. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, and said, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Scott."



Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...



If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?



Three engineers and three accountants are traveling
by train to a conference. At the station, the three
accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three
engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their
respective seats but all three engineers cram into a
rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't
buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into
a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"



Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.



As it turns out, the Arthur Anderson partner was on his cell phone when he said, "Ship the Enron documents to the feds," but his Secretary heard, "Rip the Enron documents to shreds." It was all just a case of bad cellular.



ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil;" Other Nations Start Own
Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership
in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they
had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way
eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush
warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as
Evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils ... at being evil ... we're the
best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of
Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In
World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So
you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC - International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil
declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status
in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia
said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to
join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while
Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much
Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs
filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be
called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly
Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics. Canada, Mexico, and Australia
formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly
Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New
Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Have
Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said
Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes,
although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose
Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false
application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied
the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.



Today's reading is from the Book of Corporate Life, Chapter 1, verses 1-15:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions.

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and
it stinks."

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a crock of
dung and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of
organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

11. And the directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "It has
very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And that is how shit happens.



The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the U.S. railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

OK ... Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you might be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story ...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that >tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider that the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

... And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!!!

 

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