A Second Page of stupid jokes...

(The first was too full)

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, by the name of common sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure on the beginning of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits had no power over Common Sense.

He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies ( don't spend more that you earn ), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids ), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the industrial revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technical Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math". But his health declined when he became infected with the " If it only helps one person, it's worth it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned, but overbearing, regulations.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, Churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than their victims, and Federal Judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic, but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations, such as those for the low flow of toilets, rocking chairs, and step ladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; His wife, Discretion; His daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two step-brothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

-Author Unknown

Dennis Miller's take on California judges.

Isn't it great we live in a country where a federal appeals court can declare the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional because the words "under God" are a violation of separation of church and state? Well, you know something, your honors: following that logic, wouldn't the fact that you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible render you unemployed? Or maybe we should respond by withholding your obviously unconstitutional "In God we trust" paychecks, huh? Or why don't we just change the phrase to "One nation under a crushing blanket of overly sensitive political correctness?" If you haven't heard, Michael Newdow, a 49-year old atheist, created a media sensation this week after bringing a lawsuit on behalf of his 8-year old daughter. Well, Mikey, you did a great job of protecting your kid, didn't ya? Put her in the middle of this jingoistic maelstrom. Yeah, you are the dad of the year. Why don't you pick your trophy up when it's safe to come out of hiding?
By the way, to all the people out there making death threats against this man and his daughter: if God had wanted you to kill in His name, you'd be living in the Middle East, not the Midwest.
Well, anyway, it's good to know that all children are now guaranteed the right to come into their classroom in the morning and burn the flag, as long as they don't salute it.
You know folks, I haven't quite figured out the math on this one yet, but I think the aggrieved minority in this culture now is the majority.
And, by the way, to the two judges who authored this fiasco: instead of church and state, maybe you should be worried about the separation of your head and your ass.



I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allan



If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, I sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."



Things to do at the new Super Center

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

4. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

5. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially
down narrow aisles.

6. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

7. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in House wares," and see what happens.

8. Play with the automatic doors.

9. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

10. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"

11. Put M&M's on layaway.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

13. Move 'Caution: Wet Floor' signs to carpeted areas.

14. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

15. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

16. When someone steps away from their cart, quickly fill it.

17. Test the fishing rods and see what you can 'catch' from the other aisles.

18. Play with the calculators so that they all spell 'hello' upside down.

19. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

20. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

21. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

22. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look with various funnels.

23. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, 'No, no! It's those voices again!'



Oh, the devil... 

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives,
their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, I sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."



If he's confused...

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein



Subject: Kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman)

Things I've learned from my children:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year -old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens and ovens do not like plastic toys.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

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