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March 20, 2002
Our site selections this week, dear friends, will lead you to wonder where
all this creativity has been stored prior to the advent of the internet. Or, at
least you may be somewhat curious where these people get the time to pursue such
truly useless endeavors. We've got everything from the mildly interesting to the
incredibly bizarre for you this week in Net Hot Spots.
Let's start off with a bang with "The
First Human Male Pregnancy" site (www.malepregnancy.com).
Set up like a real medical condition, our new "mother" is displayed in all his
glory with supporting articles, a faked Time Magazine cover proclaiming him 'Man
Of The Year' (no, really), quoted responses from around the globe and, get this,
EKGs, Ultrasounds and other vital signs thrown in for good measure. I didn't
have the time to find out how our patient's condition came in to being, (In the
usual fashion? But what's usual?) and I'm quite sure I'd rather stay blissfully
ignorant of those details.
I can't for the life of me understand what the fascination with death is on the
web, but, here, again, is another offering. This time we have "The 2002 Lee
Atwater Invitational Dead Pool" (www.stiffs.com)
where one is encouraged to submit the names of those who, you believe, will bite
the dust in the coming year for prize money in the amount of $2002. I think
we're too late to join in this years festivities, however, there appears to be a
lesser contest in which one can go after the $1000 prize. As for the big event,
I notice that 'quincy_3' seems to be in the lead with 2 stiffs & 13 points. To
each, his own.
Next up, say you're running late trying to take every advantage of that extra
second before you simply must get out of bed and go to work when you realize the
seemingly simple math you've been applying to your fail-safe-system of setting
the clock fast was off by, oh, an hour or two, and now, only the best excuse
will do. Never fear, www.excuses.co.uk
is here! Yes, now you too can use those beautifully elaborate embellishments you
thought only the truly rich and famous could construct. For problems at work,
home and play, you now have only the best and brightest exaggerations,
deceptions, misrepresentations and downright falsifications at your fingertips.
But wait, they also offer 'Feature Excuses' with this weeks enhancement being
sporting excuses 'for having a bad game'. Now, how much would you pay... but I
digress.
In this edition's 'So What' category, check out
www.urban75.com/Punch/index.html where you can engage in some one-sided
fisticuffs with your favorite celebrity 'hates' and smack one in the mouth.
Targets include the president, the former president, Bill Gates, Barney and, my
favorite, the Teletubbies (or was it Ronald McDonald). Oh, and Osama, of course,
though I doubt the level of satisfaction would be up to par. There's a fellow
who has been collecting squirt guns for 18 years (www.sinasnet.nl/Watergun.html).
He believes he has 'the largest water gun museum on the internet.' Imagine.
The Anti-Hippie Action League (www.devo.com/tft/hippie)
regards all 'smelly, stoned, lazy and ugly looking' humans to be categorized as
hippies (though I can't recall seeing a real one since the early seventies).
Reckon' I knew that guy, but we'uns just called 'em rednecks. On that note,
perhaps we should have a 'Anti-Lounge Act in a Cheep Suit League', and, if so,
then that should spawn the 'Hippie, Lounge Singer, and Too Much
Aftershave-Wearing Dweeb Protection Society', and so on, and so on, and... well,
you get the picture.
I've come across another stupid criminal site, "Clumsy
Crooks" (www.clumsycrooks.com)
with the usual collection of idiots who should have stayed in bed. Top of the
page offerings included the 'LA man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.' In this instance, I wasn't certain
who was the more 'intelligence challenged.' Perhaps tis I, for reading it.
Time for my weekly favorite, drum roll please. I don't really know how to
comment on this one, but, for your own safety, I can assure you, it gets weird
from here on.
There is a man, Paul Freck by name, who has surpassed all levels of good taste.
It seems Mr. Freck has a condition wherein he is becoming paralyzed in his
lowest extremities, ergo, his feet. It would seem, he has been advised that
amputation is his only recourse. Is this gentleman facing his dilemma with
dignity, losing something so great, only to bounce back and become a beacon for
those poor souls in similar bad times? Obviously not, or we wouldn't be
discussing it here. Nope, Master Paul has built himself a home-made guillotine
with the intention of filming, for posterity AND, of course, the right price, a
'Live' amputation to be broadcast via the web. In fact, he has already scheduled
this event on two recent occasions, only to be thwarted, as he gripes, by
corporate lawyers who apparently cost him several key investors. In fact, he
states, that should you be interested in financing the production costs, please
e-mail him (www.cutoffmyfeet.com). I
may finally say, that for the moment only, I have seen it all. Just kidding, or
I couldn't sequel next week.
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