July 3, 2002

I suppose in life, there is always something wrong. The beautiful g..., uh, person who talks like a sailor. A brand new car with the rear-view mirror that comes off in your hand. I think most of the appliances in my house are that way. Take the toaster, for instance. Why do they make toasters that, no matter how I adjust it, will only let me toast my bread if I push it down 1 and a half times, OR, turn it into charcoal? Or how about the blender that no matter what button I push, they all mean 'throw it all over the counter'? My refrigerator's ice maker never works (not that the ice tastes right anyway). The 1000 lb vacuum cleaner weights too much, you half to wiggle the handle on the toilet, heating/air conditioning systems only quit on weekends and holidays, and the lawnmower tires always need inflating ('course, were it not for weeds, I wouldn't need to mow).

And why do I own an alarm clock? No, really. You can bet, the morning mine actually goes off at the time it was set will follow the night that the power went off. I've been getting up at or around 6:30 am most of my life and, so far, I can count on my internal clock better than any box by the bed. I've noticed that it seems to be the American way for most people to set their clocks fast by 5 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, just so they can fool their sleepy selves into believing that they're late, and must get up NOW. This never works, of course, as your sleepy self also knows that the clock is never right in the first place, so you give it a good whack and return to your dream, you know, the deserted island with just you and... well. My wife started setting her's faster years ago, and it's increased over the years. I think she's up to Tuesday now. Having listened to it go off for three hours every morning for years, I wouldn't notice it anyway. I couldn’t set mine early anyway, simple math baffles me all the time, let alone that early. My clock, on the other hand, has it's own problems. The radio quit working some time back when the high-tech & tiny wire that squeezed out the back finally fell off, not that I wanted to hear Snuff Doggie Poop Daddy at 6 in the morning anyway. Sometimes I turn it on anyway just to confuse the ever-present dog (our youngest) by the static, not that he needs an alarm clock. His internal version works much more directly, I can tell you. So, when I'm supposed to get up really early I set it to "buzz". Trouble with that is, the engineering stars that designed it made it so I can't find the switch that turns it off permanently without turning on the light, thereby waking everyone else up, dog included. I also deliver some of your papers starting at about 3:14 on Wednesday mornings and recently made the mistake of borrowing my daughters alarm. I think the rule of thumb is, if it's plastic, looks like a pig sitting on the pot, and is supposed to roll it's eyes and wiggle it's tail as it goes off, you might want to reconsider and use something else, like feed the dog a lot of water the night before. Your feet may get wet, but you will be awake. To our customers, sorry bout that. I bought a new clock.

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