Some cool jokes about programmers

What did the lady say to her Delphi Programming husband on a amourous night?
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10 young programmers

  1. -Best file compression around: "DEL *.* /S" = 100% compression
  2. -The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  3. -BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  4. -BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  5. -Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
  6. -C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  7. -Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
  8. -Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  9. -As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  10. -Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
  11. -E Pluribus Modem ...
  12. -File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) (Default - Y)
  13. -A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
  14. -An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
  15. -CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  16. -Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  17. -A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
  18. -11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
  19. -24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
  20. -Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  21. -Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  22. -SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
  23. -Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
  24. -Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  25. -RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
  26. -Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  27. -All computers wait at the same speed.
  28. -DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

How programmers do it..
  1. Programmers do it byte by byte.
  2. Programmers try to do it again and again.
  3. Programmers do it with acronyms.
  4. Programmers do it by computer simulation.
  5. Programmers do it according to the specifications.
  6. Programmers do it over and over until they get it right.
  7. ALGOL 68 programmers do it od.
  8. APL programmers do it in a line.
  9. Assembler programmers do it a bit at a time.
  10. C++ programmers do it with class.
  11. Fortran programmers do it with double precision.
  12. LISP (programmers (do (it (with (parentheses))))).
  13. Logo programmers do it for an educational experience.
  14. Prolog programmers do it artificially.
  15. System programmers do it with interrupts.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
"The change is 90% complete."

"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working. "

Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!

What happens to programmers when they die?

The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR CLIPBOARD!!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

  1. -Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine.
  2. -Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight.
  3. -Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, then they cut the budget, now there are seven.
  4. -Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics stored an even larger prime, now there are six.
  5. -Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, one died of overwork, now there are five.
  6. -Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four.
  7. -Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, one used for spare parts, now there are three.
  8. -Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two.
  9. -Two little gigabytes, badly overrun, took the work elsewhere, now just need one.
  10. -One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.

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