10.09.01 caught in a blur of confusion …confusing ……confused foggy eyes and a hazy half-smile to swallow the 60mg of paxil every day. one green pill, one slightly smaller pink one.. these will sedate suzy enough to pass the days without another overdose. sad, sad suzy and her sad, scarred arms. sad suzy sits alone, a shallow soul to keep her skin company. another lonely page to add to the bleak journal… another salty tear to leave a salty taste atop my pink-red tongue. bleeding where my wings once were and rubbing the area where my hair once grew. a sicksad attempt to gain some love from the world, some love from a boy or girl who could think me more than just the area contained below my navel, but above my knees. stuffing myself full of anything that could make me feel less empty than i already feel now. lonely lonelier loneliest. and i spent last saturday night (alone) i am: disordered, unique creative, a vegetarian, bisexual, fairly intelligent, sedated, a college dropout, alone, empty, loyal, a writer, depressed, looking for love, a feminist, pro-choice, tattoed (twice,) afraid to sleep in a bed alone, a genuinely caring person, quite in-tune with nature, a believers in spirits and angels, a dreamer. i am not: a pretty girl, a conformist, goal-oriented, high-maintenance, materialistic, whole, superbly stable, mean, judgmental, picky. disordered: depression, recovering from anorexia/bulimia, social anxiety disorder, self-injury, borderline personality disorder, a constant struggle with addiction. music: ani difranco, liz phair, tori amos, eels, nields, pamela means, peter mulvey, bjork, smashing pumpkins, radiohead, dar williams, cranberries, melissa ferrick, don conoscenti, dido, flaming lips, indigo girls, murmurs, wilco, enya, anouk, nin, husker du, pixies, cat stevens, etc. etc. etc. on a final note, if my images are still appearing as "pending picture," you can access them on the web at: www.geocities.com/netaddict5/picturesofsuzy.html (newest pictures posted 08.06.01... i shaved my head 09.01.01, if you're lucky i might take pictures of me- minus hair..)
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