Lovingly dedicated to the memory of Ilene,
with whom the punchline was never necessary
Dedicated 26 March 1999
9 Nissan 5759
Background and divider graphics on this page (copyright the author) were created specially for this use. May not be used without explicit permission.
A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God. The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.
The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol."
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues, "I forgot my fishing pole in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares in amazement.
A half hour later, the minister says, "I need to use the bathroom." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, and walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand up on the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out, and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"
A rabbi and a minister are playing golf. They decide to play for $5 a hole. On the third hole, the minister hits his ball into the rough.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," the minister says to the rabbi. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, the minister pulls out another ball and drops it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.
The rabbi looks at him, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"Cheat?! I found my ball right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" the rabbi says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here."
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are sent into space. On their reentry, as the shuttle returns to earth, there is a large group of reporters waiting for them on the landing strip. The minister emerges first, with a special glow in his eyes. A reporter asks him how he felt, circling the earth in space. The minister replies, "I felt very close to Jesus up there!"
The priest emerges with a very satisfied look on his face. The same reporter yells out, "Father, what was it like in space?" The priest answers, "It seemed like I could almost reach out and touch Mary and all the saints."
The rabbi is the last to appear, and he looks exhausted and haggard. The reporter asks him what space was like, and he moans, "Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv, Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv..."
[Ed. note: Jews are required to say prayers three times a day: Shacharit, which is done between dawn and midday; Mincha, which is done between midday and dusk; and Ma'ariv, which is done between sunset and midnight. The exact timing is determined by the position of the sun in the sky.]
Chelm is a town in Poland, reputed in Jewish humor to have a very dense population...
The Jews of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. They were going to need a lot of wood for the construction. Luckily, there was a large forest located on a hill just outside of town. A number of Chelmites went out to the forest the next day and started cutting down trees. They soon had enough to build the new synagogue. To transport the wood to town, they split into teams of four. Each team carried one tree down the hill and back to town. Just as they arrived with the very last tree, a stranger visiting town asked, "Why didn't you just roll the trees down the hill?" The mayor of Chelm hit himself in the forehead and said, "Of course! Why didn't we think of that?!" He then ordered all the workers to carry the trees back up the hill and roll them down.
Two Chelmites went for a walk. The first one said, "Look! Bear tracks!" The second one disagreed, "No, those are deer tracks!" They were still arguing about it when they were hit by a train.
A stranger came to visit Chelm, together with his very old, very skinny cow. The mayor of Chelm insisted the stranger stay in his home during that time and even made room in his own barn for the cow. The stranger was a little worried about being in a strange town, so, he hid his gold in the straw in the barn under his cow.
The next morning, the mayor walked into the barn to care for his animals, and he noticed the gold in the straw. He figured out that this cow, unlike all other cows, gave gold instead of milk. He was very excited!! He called a special meeting of the Chelm Town Council and insisted that they buy the cow from the stranger. They collected money from all the citizens in town.
The mayor asked the stranger if he would be willing to sell the cow, and he offered double the usual price for a good milk cow. The stranger started to protest that the cow wasn't worth that much, but the mayor misunderstood and increased his offer. The more the stranger protested, the more the mayor offered. Finally, completely confused, the stranger agreed to sell.
The mayor gave the scrawny cow the best stall in his barn. He fed her the very best feed in town. The next morning, the mayor approached the cow to milk her. As he started, he was very surprised to find that the cow gave...milk! And not even very good milk!!
The mayor was annoyed. The stranger had sold him a cow that gave gold, but all he had gotten was milk! He reported back to the Town Council. They were angry. When they told the townspeople, everyone was furious! They decided to track down the stranger to get their money back.
They found the stranger in the next town. With everyone yelling at him all at once, he had no idea what was going on, but eventually, he figured it out. He turned to the mayor and asked, "Did you feed the cow?"
The mayor answered, "Of course we fed the cow! Do you think we don't know how to care for a cow?!!"
The stranger answered, "Did you ever have a cow that gave gold before? Didn't you notice how scrawny she was when I came into town? There's only one way to get her to give gold... You have to stop feeding her! But, it took me weeks to teach her to not eat. This is what you have to do. Every day, feed her a little less. At the end of three weeks, you should be able to cut her down to eating nothing. The next day, milk her, and she will give gold again."
The Chelmites look at the stranger, embarrassed about their previous anger at him. They return to Chelm and start the feeding regimen that the stranger told them. The cow got skinnier and skinnier, and the mayor of Chelm was very pleased. Until, one morning, on the very first day she would have gotten no food, the cow was found dead in her stall.
The people of Chelm were, of course, very disappointed. But they always looked back nostalgically on the day when, if only their cow hadn't died, they would have been the richest town in Poland...
Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..." The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty anymore!!"
Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moysheh, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Moysheh answered, "Two." Schmulik told him, "Too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you!"
The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.
"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"
A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he's wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, "I take a nail out of the bag, and if it's facing the roof, I use it; if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away."
The mayor tells him, "You fool! Those are for the other side!!"
The newest inventions from Chelm:
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.
A schlemiel is the guy who spills the soup. A shlemazel is the guy it spills on.
According to Fran Drescher, a shikse is like a tchatchke, only more expensive.
[Paraphrased from an early episode of The Nanny, exact date unknown.]
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Q: How many Jewish mother does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody...
A man calls his mother and asks, "How are you?"
"Not too good," she says. "I'm feeling very weak."
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days."
The man says "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
The mother answers, "because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food
if you should call!"
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything all right?"
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Naomi went to Atlantic City for the first time ever and decided to play roulette. She asked someone at the table the best way to pick a number,. He suggested putting her money on her age. So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she fainted.
Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbor. "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock every single morning! My poor son, who wakes up at the crack of dawn has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made my son get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, he has to make dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"
The neighbor sighs and asks, "Nu...and how is your daughter?"
"Oh, now my daughter has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists she pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!"
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all. First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street [New York Jewish] accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street. Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, né Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"Goy."
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 144
Sadly, slowly, Duved Krekman entered the headquarters of the Lantsmon's Philanthropic League. He trudged into the office of the Executive Secretary and sighed, "Glaser, I'm here." He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for the League to bury my wife."
"Krekman!" exclaimed Mr. Glaser. "Don't you remember? We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr. Krekman nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I'm here about my second."
Second? Mazel tov! I didn't know you remarried."
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 211
Larry Barvess asked a patriarch in the synagogue: "Maybe you can advise me. My wife just gave birth to a girl--"
"Mazel tov!"
"Thank you. Can we name her for a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother..."
"But they are all alive," said Barvess.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry."
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 211
"Hello, Rabbi Korkuff?"
"Yes."
"This is John Reilly, deputy director of the Manhattan branch of the Internal Revenue Service. I'm calling about a member of your congregation, Samuel J. Prischoff, who is in the real-estate business."
"Y-yes?"
Mr. Prischoff has claimed a five-thousand-dollar deduction on his tax return. He says he contributed that amount, in cash, to your temple. Did he?"
"Mr. Reilly," said the rabbi, "if you call back tomorrow, the answer, I assure you--will be 'Yes.'"
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 265
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What dear?", she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
[Jews are not only not allowed to conduct business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'm selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but how much are you asking for
it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but $3000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'll give you $2000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but did you think about my
offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I already sold it.
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket for him.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.
"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp." Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"
Manny Schwartz approached the rabbi of his synagogue and said to him, "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible!
Manny offers the rabbi $10,000, but the rabbi won't budge. He offers $50,000...then $100,000. Finally, the rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After six months of classes, the rabbi tells Manny, "Okay. Now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot, and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen, too!"
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the Vacuum cleaner.
The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?!"
God replied, "Who can he tell?"
Adult: Do you know the four food groups?
Jewish Child: Meat, dairy, pareve, and treif!
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".
He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"
A Jew is camping in the woods, when she notices a bear 60 feet away. Just as she notices the bear, the bear notices her. The Jew starts running; the bear follows. She runs as fast as she can, but when she looks back next time, she sees the bear is only 40 feet away. She pushes herself even harder, running and running. The bear is still gaining--only 20 feet to go. She starts running even harder, but the bear is still catching up with her! When she can't even run anymore, she stops and says a silent prayer to God, "Please, God, let that be a good Jewish bear!"
From less than 10 feet away, she hears the bear mumbling in Hebrew. She is just about to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God when she catches the end of the bear's mumblings, "...ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz."
[The blessing before eating a meal]
This Jewish couple won 20 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London, England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back to the U.S.. On the next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting their friends the Cohens over for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.
When the couple returned that evening they found the table set for eight.
They asked the butler why eight when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four?
The butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."
Hitler is worried about his mortality. He goes to a psychic to ask about his death.
She closes her eyes and silently thinks for a few minutes. When she opens her eyes again, she speaks: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?" Hitler asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whatever day you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday.
When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were going in the new Israel nation.
"I have many many problems," she replied.
Nixon said, "Why? You are the Prime Minister of 8 million, while I am the President of 200 million people. "
To which Golda replied: "You are the President of 200 million people, while I am the Prime Minister of 8 million Prime Ministers."
The Jewish father warned his son against marrying a shiksa [non-Jewish woman]. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbat," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbat."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 am until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the attached list. Then add your synagogue address to the bottom of the list, delete the first synagogue on the list, and send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too, within three days. In less than two weeks, you will receive 1,296 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks...so don't break the chain.
Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my cooking is not good enough for you?"
Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Harry will go with" (drop "you").
Move subject to end of sentences: "Is she getting heavy, that Esther?"
Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?"
Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the Goldman's for hosting the Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't eat and drink too, at my Seder? You slob, you didn't send a thank you note!")
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
It is very difficult to know when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus vus ehr reht... Here are a few words to get you started.
"Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
Schmoe--See schmuck.
Schmata--Rag (ugly dress), as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"
Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"
Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up. Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're very bored.
Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves
between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who
gave that maniac a driver's license?"
Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision
to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support
the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy.
Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's license."
Correct answer: "Those government schmucks."
Non-Jews can also profit from learning these nuances. When shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the schmuck schmuck who shouldn't feed his own children?" The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin."
The strong man in the circus had a special act that he performed at each show. He would take a lemon, squeeze it as hard as he possibly could, removing all the juice. He would then challenge any member of the audience to come up to the middle ring and get one drop of juice from the lemon. He promised to pay $100 to anyone who could get more juice from the lemon. Week after week, month after month, big, burly men and women would squeeze and squeeze, and not get even a drop.
One day, a small, mousy man came up to the strong man. He took the lemon. The audience laughed; after seven big strong people couldn't get a drop, this man thought he could do better?! He squeezed the lemon, and, amazingly, lemon juice dripped onto the floor!! Then an actual stream of juice flowed!! He handed the dry lemon back to the strong man.
The strong man, amazed, turned to the little guy, handed him a $100 bill, and asked him what he did for a living. The man answered, "I work for the UJA."
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My cousin, Ilene, died recently from Hodgkins Disease. She would have been 39 in less than three weeks. She left behind a husband, two young children, and an extended family who loved her very much. Ilene and I were literally best friends from birth. My mother and hers were sisters. My grandparents were still alive when we were born and her family lived with them. My mother drove into New Haven every day when we were babies to spend the day at her parents' home. We shared a playpen. As kids, we spent much of every summer together--a couple of weeks at her house, and a couple of weeks at mine. At least once during every visit to her home, she would treat me to a triple-scoop ice cream for breakfast at the local Baskin-Robbins. Her family came up from New York (where they lived after my grandparents died) for the major holidays. We giggled together at the dining room table (used only for special occasions), and before and after we sat in my bedroom and talked for hours on end. When we were teenagers, she knew the real facts of life (and shared them with me!). I used to write her long, long letters after every major event in my life--up to 20 pages long or even more, after a special weekend! Ilene wasn't much of a letter writer, but we would also still get together or talk on the phone. In high school, she had a lot of college-age friends, and she introduced me to the nicest (as well as one of the most sleazy) guys. We went on one of the most disastrous double dates of all time! (We never talked about it in detail later on, but just a word or two would recall the whole story, in humor after the distance of time.) Even in young adulthood, when I sometimes wouldn't see or even talk to her for a year or two at a time, when we would get together, it was like only ten minutes had gone by! My husband and hers, who in other circumstances might not have had much in common, talked quite a lot--out of self-defense! We could easily sit for hours, telling each other half-stories or even just a word or phrase, and laughing hysterically. Nobody around us had any idea what we were talking about. Our husbands would roll their eyes at each other...and we didn't even notice! When she got e-mail a few years ago, we would send each other jokes. I can barely picture Ilene without a big smile on her face. One thing Ilene and I always shared was humor. I had intended to publish this page in time for Ilene to actually read and enjoy it, but death took her too soon for that. (And just plain too soon!) But I thought it would make an appropriate memorial to her life. |