Written by: Nessa Monroe
She wasn't sure why she was here at first, except that, inside, everything felt so suffocating, and sometimes she needed to run somewhere secluded to stop her head from spinning. It was only that she didn't know where she was running to, or what she was running from. It was a whole array of worries, of pain, of heartache, and she couldn't quite pinpoint why she hurt so bad; she only wanted it to stop.
Her mission in life was to believe; to be happy and feel fulfilled -- and yet it seemed that Fate was working against her this time.
She stared unseeingly at the pitch black sky, breathing in the crisp winter air. A single tear trickled down her cheek and froze there.
Oh, it hurt to love. To want something so bad you couldn't breathe sometimes. And she constantly questioned why -- why did she have to love someone who couldn't love her? Why couldn't she stop thinking about him? Why did one little person have so much power over her, when there were millions more out there who were probably better than him?
She'd been running for so long, aching to reach out and hold him, aching to make him look at her -- see her -- and yet she couldn't. If only she could rip herself open and let him look inside, see what was in her heart. If only she could take hold of him and shake him until he could finally see.
Why couldn't he see?
The tears were coming faster now, one after the other. Her heart was pounding and her mind was screaming. Everything was closing in now. She pondered walking back home, but for what? To what? This would happen again. It had been happening for so long now. Her breakdowns, one after the other, each closer than the next.
Each more painful than the next.
She wasn't crazy. She wasn't mentally unstable. She was just in love, and that love was unrequited.
She hugged herself, shaking violently. It wasn't the cold, she knew. She was staring down into the frozen river, her body right up against the fence surrounding the wharf, and she was thinking about it.... She was actually thinking about it.
No, no, no, her mind was telling her. She wouldn't go there again. She couldn't go there again.
But it all seemed so easy. If she was gone, who would really miss her? What did it matter who would miss her -- he wouldn't miss her. He could care less.
He had made his choice. And it wasn't her.
It would all end. No more breakdowns. No more confusion. No more depression.
But that's so selfish. The others really love you. It's one single person you'd be dying for.
It was one single person who happened to be her life.
She stopped crying suddenly and wiped her eyes. She was still looking down into the river, still pondering.
He was her life...and yet there was so much more to live for. Why did he matter? Years from now -- even though it had been years now -- years from now, it wouldn't matter anymore. She'd find somebody else to love. She'd find somebody else who would complete her existence. Maybe she herself would complete her existence.
And maybe she'd go away for a while...maybe it was the fact that in this small town, she saw him everywhere. It would be easier if she was far away.
She cast one last glance towards the river and backed away from the fence. She inhaled another deep breath, but this one wasn't for courage to jump. This one was for courage to live.
He didn't have to be her life. She'd make him part of her past, and move on.
She turned away, heels clicking against the ground as she walked.
She'd be okay.
There was hope for a new day.
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