I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

There is no 'I' in team... but without 'me,' you don't have a team.

A loser is a window washer on 57th floor who stands back to admire his work.

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Deja Moo - The strang feeling that you have heard all of this bull shit before.

A day without sunshine is like... you know...night.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Timmy was a chemist, Timmy is no more, what Timmy thought was H2O was H2SO4.

9/10 people agree that 1 person always disagree with the other 9 people.

What Subliminal Message?

First the doctor told me the good news... I was going to have a disease named after me.

If abercrombie declared breathing uncool, half the teenage population would die.

Being dyslexic is hard, you know.... I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH THAT TONE OF VOICE!

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build better and bigger idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Trying to save someone from their own stupidity is like trying to teach a pig how to dance: it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together.

We are all dying people.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

If you're not evil, then why do you look like hell?

Smash head on keyboard to continue.

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

DO NOT DISTURB . . . I'm disturbed enough already.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

"There was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages."

NEVER fight the idiot, or any idiot for that matter. They'll bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

"What is in an empty box? Your curiosity."

"Underneath all this clothing, we're all just a bunch of naked people."

"The Force is in everything... It surrounds us, and binds us together. It's in the rock... The car... Your boner on the subway... That nice hoochie's ass in those tight leather pants. The kind you just wanna smack and go, 'Piow Bitch!' I'm sorry... Was I out of character George? Sorry, I messed up!" -Drunken Yoda

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

Religion is like a clock that needs to be wound up every seven days.

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?"

Why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself

Lettuce in a bowl is Lettuce. Lettuce on a plate is Garnish. Does that make Lettuce on a burger Larnish?

Stark raving sane...

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Sometimes the only sane response to an insane world is an insane one.

Illiterate? Write for help!

It's a control freak thing. I wouldn't let you understand. - S.H. Underwood.

A university professor set an examination question in which he asked the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: 'I don't know and I don't care.' - Richard Pratt

Life sucks, and then you die.

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"

"Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
Warning: Survivors will be shot again."

"That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again."

"I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert."

"For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

Something you probably didn't know: Zombies do not want to eat your brains. All they want is a hug! That is why their arms are stretched out. And they don't go uggggg, they go hugggg! However, they do not know their own strength, and when they hug people, they usually end up killing them. So... don't let a zombie hug you if you want to live.

Tornado rips through graveyard; hundreds dead