My best friend, Trace. Man, I hadn�t called him in awhile. Maybe I should give him a ring. I�m actually off for a couple hours for once, I am thinking to myself. I pick up the phone and dial the familiar Tennessee number. I hope to God he�s home, I think to myself as I hear a click from the other end.

�Hello?� Trace answers.

I sigh and smile as I speak, �Hey.�

�Justin!� he exclaims.

�What�s up, man?� I reply.

�Nothing, man! How�s the tour going?�

�Okay, how�s your girl, Tiffany?�

�We broke up a year ago, man. She cheated on me with some 25-year old and had a kid after we broke up.�

�God, that shows how often I call.�

�Yeah, every year and a half!�

�Well, I gotta go, I�m kinda busy. Nice talking to you, man.�

�Yeah, you too, bye.�

�Bye.�

I hang up the phone and I am thinking how much of a jerk I am for lying to Trace. I wasn�t busy, but I still knew Tiffany�s number and was itching to call her and find out how she was doing. I had only met her briefly once, but I knew there was something different about her. She had this indescribable energy flow that soaked straight through your skin when you met her. Even if you talked to her on the phone, her voice rung straight through you. There was such an undeniable aura about her I could feel it from Tennessee to California.

Suddenly, JC put a CD on and the one track reminded me so much of Tiffany.

Brainstorm
Take me away from the norm
I got to tell you something
This phenomenon
I had to put it in a song
And it goes like
Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally
You ought to know what brings me here
You fly through my head blind to fear
And I know why
Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally
Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally
You live too far away
Your voice rings like a bell anyway
Don�t give up your independence
Unless it feels so right
Nothing good comes easily
Sometimes you gotta fight
Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally
Launched a thousand ships in my heart
So easy
Still it�s fine from afar
And you know that
Whoa brainstorm take me away from the norm
Whoa I�ve got to tell you something

�Amber� by 311

I was actually scared to pick up the receiver and give her a call. She�d think I was crazy if she knew how much anxiety this was giving me. So would Trace, me worried to hell about his ex-girlfriend.

God, man, get a hold of yourself, it�s just a phone call, I tell myself at the moment. I run a hand over my head, through any hair that was actually there, and place my sweaty palm on the receiver again. Why is this so hard? I ask myself as a single sweat drop falls down my forehead. I quickly swipe it away and close my blue eyes, thinking about Tiffany and her child, in poverty. I don�t know why I am thinking this, most teen mothers do end up like that because of the lack of support. My heart just wanted to go out to the women that that had happened to.

I open my eyes again, to the slightly soggy receiver and my hands starting to twitch in nervousness. I pull my other hand up and put it on top of my shaking hand, letting out a sigh.

�What�s a matter, Juju?� JC comes up to me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I look up at him, feeling inferior in his wise gaze he is giving me, and simply reply, �Can you turn on that other mellow track, please?�

�Sure,� JC replies, turning around and changing it to �Champagne� and I calm down a little bit. I quickly catch up with the words of the song, I don�t know how, I guess �Amber� caught up to me and the others do, too. I start singing practically the only words I know in the middle of the song, �Too bad, that�s just too bad,� I sing, my voice cracking slightly.

�You okay, Juju?� JC comes back up to me after grabbing something out of the freezer.

I run a sweaty palm through my peach fuzz and reply with my head down, �Jace, I wanna call someone.�

�Why don�t you just call this person then?� JC replies to me.

I turn my head to the side, looking towards the back of the bus to the other guys, laughing and playing Playstation, and then directing my attention back to the floor of the bus, �It�s not that easy.�

�Who are you calling anyway?� JC asks me as I focus my view on one particular spot of the carpet.

�I can�t tell you,� I reply, finally turning my head towards the road quickly passing the road beneath it, quickly forgetting it, �Just forget about it.�

�Are you sure, man? It seems to really be getting to you,� JC replies, giving me a genuine smile.

�Yeah,� I smile back at him, trying not to involve him in my personal dilemma.

�Okay, man, remember we have a photo shoot later, kay?� he mentions to me and walks back to the back of the bus, leaving me alone with the wet phone.

�Man, it�s just a phone call,� I tell myself as I pick up the phone and dial the number carefully, not wanting to screw it up and get some screwball teenybopper.

�Hello?� a light, cheerful voice replies to my call.

�Hi, is Tiffany Ferguson there?� I ask, already knowing it�s her. No one can deny that unique sounding voice.

�Yes, who is this?� she asks, and I hear a brief crying in the background.

That must be her child, I think to myself as I clear my throat, �It�s Justin. You probably don�t remember me or anything, but-�

�Oh Justin! Nice to talk to ya! How are you doing?� she chipperly replies and it sends a chill through my spine, making me shift uncomfortably.

�You remember me?� I ask confused. God, I thought a year and a half with my best friend�s ex-girlfriend would definitely be a bad memory.

�Yeah, you�re hard to forget. How�s Trace doing? I heard he�s going out with some girl named Jenny.�

I smile to myself as I reply, �He�s okay. I didn�t know you guys broke up.�

�Yeah, a while ago. Honestly, did he tell you why?� she asks, seeming to tear up over the phone.

Her pain goes straight into my heart and it feels like a knife is twisting in my stomach, �No, what?�

�Well, we were clubbing one night, and he had to go home early for some reason. I figured that I would stay with my friends, so we had a few drinks. Suddenly, I have to go to the bathroom and I knew some creep would do something to my drink, so when I got back, I got rid of my drink. But my one friend made me down her whole shot of vodka and there was definitely funky shit in it. I ended up sleeping with this guy named Rob on accident. I really didn�t mean to,� she is in tears by now.

�Oh my god!� I exclaim and I blurt out something without thinking, �I wish I could come back to Tennessee and get rid of your pain.�

�No you don�t,� she replies, making me instantly regret what I had just said, �The only thing that was good about that situation was Matt.�

�Oh is that your son?� I ask, wanting to know about the son of the bravest, sweetest, most beautiful young woman I have ever met.

�Yes, he�s my world. I�d give my heart to him if he needed it. I love him so much,� she replies, the happiness radiating out of the phone, shocking my body with the pureness of her love for Matt.

�I�m happy you have a good son. He hopefully is good, right?�

�He�s an angel,� she lets out a sweet laugh, filling my ears with her musical laughter. My heart fills so full while I listen to her deep, rhythmic breathing. I am thinking I am in love with her, but immediately replace the idea with the possible reality that it is impossible. I have only met her once. You can�t possibly be in love with Trace�s ex-girlfriend. But then I think I love her in a friendly way. Or maybe not.

�You must be very happy to have him,� I speak after at least what seems as an hour, but I look at my watch and it has actually been 10 seconds. Time slows down when I am talking to this woman.

�Yes,� she suddenly sniffles, �But he will soon be only a gleam in my mind�s eye.�

I almost jump out of the chair as shocked as I am, �What do you mean?� my voice comes out smoothly, not like my heart. It starts beating at least a thousand beats a second.

�My only baby is dying,� the woman on the other line replies to me, making me a little teary-eyed as she says it.

�How?� I dare to ask.

�My baby has Tay-Sachs. I don�t wanna lose him,� she teared up over the line. My heart went out to her at that moment as I stay silent to hear her sobs, �Matt just learned how to walk a couple months ago, but he quickly lost that. He�s said some words, like mommy and ball and words like that, but now he can barely cry,� her voice was cracking with every word, �I knew he had it when I was pregnant with him, but I didn�t want anyone to kill him. I wanted Matt to live the fullest life he could live and now he is about to die. I�m so scared,� she was sobbing.

�I�ll call you back soon,� I hang up the phone quick as lightning and run off the bus, the guys following me.

�What the hell are you doing?� Joey calls to me, �Where the hell are you going? We have a show tonight.�

�I�ve got to go. Get someone to replace me or cancel the concert. We�ll make it up to them. This is too important to let go,� I yell back to Joey.

�Justin!� he yells back to me, running behind me. I keep running towards the nearest building I can find, the tears flowing out of my eyes. Tiffany needs me, and I�m not going to let her stay by her dying son�s bed, at the hospital or at home, and watch him die alone. He grew up without a father figure and he didn�t deserve that. I can�t just leave her alone when she needs someone to comfort her. And even though I have Britney, I am going to be the one she will have to cry on.

�Justin!� he finally catches up to me when I trip over my shoes and cry on the hard pavement below me. I don�t mean to sound like a baby, but Tiffany is special to me.

�What�s the matter, buddy?� he picks me up off the ground, shaking me like I�m crazy or something, �Snap out of it!� he slaps my face, sending more tears on the hotpavement.

�Stop it, Joey! You�re making him die!� I yell out hysterically. I am not thinking clearly with calling her and her baby dying. It makes me so distressed, I just need Joey to let me go. I have to get to the airport. Hell, I�ll fly my own damn plane if I have to.

�I�m making who die?� he cries out confusedly to me, turning my chin to direct him,� Justin, what the hell is going on? Can you at least explain this to me before you crack?�

�Just let me go!� I try to struggle out of his firm grasp, but he won�t let me go! Damnit, Matt is going to die and it�ll all be Joey�s fault! I don�t want Matt to die unhappy, without a father figure. Tiffany must feel like hell. Please, Joey just let me go and I�ll explain everything later.

�No, explain this to me!� he yells to me. I know I am acting like a hysterical little girl, but I can�t think of anyway to act normal. Tiffany is, I think, my soulmate.

�I�ll explain later, just let me the fuck go!� I scream out and Joey lets me go in fear.

�Please don�t go insane on us, buddy,� he says to me as I look at him for a brief second and I turn around, running to a phone.

I reach one and I wipe my frantic tears off my face and pick up the receiver and call the airport.

�Hello may I help you?� the perky girl who gives the tickets, I forget what they call her, answers.

�Yes, when is the next flight to Memphis?� I spit out quickly, blowing my nose on my shirt.

�In about an hour, sir,� she replies.

�Okay, I�ll be there as soon as I can,� I slam the phone down on the hook and run over to the bus, banging into the steps on my way up, �Lance, do you have your car up here?� I ask too quickly.

�I heard car,� he comes out, calm as hell. Lance, didn�t you hear the fucking breakdown conversation I had? Don�t you know what the hell I�m going through? Where the fuck is your head?

�Where is your car?� I say, impatiently spaced out.

�Oh, it�s up the street,� he replies calmly still, drying some of the dishes in the sink.

�Thanks,� I call to him as I am running off the bus again. Chris is calling behind me, �I didn�t know the honeymoon was so soon, Justin! Go! Go! You don�t wanna be late!�

�Fuck off!� I call to him and I look back at Chris giving me the finger. I don�t care, I�ve got to get to Lance�s car and get to the airport.

I got to his car and tried to open it, �Fuck, the keys!� I exclaim and run back to the bus.

I run up to the bus and ask Lance, who is still drying those damn dishes, �Where are the keys?�

�Oh, so you wanna borrow it, you never told me that,� he said, keeping his eyes glued to the dishes below him.

I grab him by his shirt collar and yell in his face, �I swear to God, Lance, if you make me miss that flight and he dies without me there, I will rip your Adam�s apple out of your throat, personally.�

�Okay,� he starts to get scared and reaches his shaking hand in his pocket and pulls out the set of keys, �Make sure you don�t wreck my car. You sound drunken and hysterical. And what is this about someone dying?�

By the time he was done talking, I had grabbed the keys and ran off the bus, leaving Lance confused and in my dust.

I am running to his car as fast as I can, breathing heavily, keeping that song �Amber� in my mind. For some reason, I will not forget that song very easily. I get to his car, quickly unlock the door, and start the car. No gentle hum ofthe engine.

�Man, God, do you want this child to leave Earth without fatherly love?� I yell to the car and hit the dashboard, making the car start. What a weird coincidence.

�Here we go,� I pull out of the parking lot, speeding along to get to the airport. I�m surprised I don�t get pulled over for a speeding ticket, but that�s a good thing. I don�t want to waste a second of my time. I get to the airport, quickly lock the car, throw the keys into my pocket and run into the airport, quickly going through everything and catching my flight right on time.

I sit on the plane impatiently, my legs and arms twitching in fear. Please let Matt not die, please let Matt live, I know he�s going to die, but he needs fatherly love before he leaves Earth. Fatherly love from me.

�Are you okay, sir?� a little girl sitting beside me asks.

I turn my head, my eyes full of tears. I look down at the adorable blonde beauty. The cute little blonde girl with braided pigtails and bright green eyes. She reminds me of Lance a little. She has ice cream smeared all over her mouth and her pink dress. I smile at her, the innocence of her makes my tears pour out of my eyes and reminds me of little dying Matt. I reply to her finally, �No, actually.�

�Aw, I�m sorry,� she pats my arm with her little hand and turns to her mother sitting by the aisle, �Mommy, can you get him something to make him feel better?�

I look over to the mother of the child and she pulls tissues out of her purse, �Here you go,� she hands them over to me.

�Thank you,� I reply as I blow my nose and then wipe my eyes of the many salty tears that had soaked into my skin.

The little girl taps my shoulder again and I look over at her again, �Yes?� I reply nicely, although my heart is breaking.

She pulls my head down gently and whispers into my ear, �I know who you are.�

I turn to her, �You do?�

�Yep,� she replies, giggling slightly and then whispering again, �I won�t tell anyone, ever.�

�Well thanks,� I reply, �No one does that kind of favor for me. I�ll do something for you.�

I grab some paper out of the pouch connected to the seat in front of me and sign my name on it and give her a little message. I pause; I don�t know her name, �What�s your name, sweetheart?� I ask.

�Samantha,� she smiles at me and it warms my heart.

�Okay, thank you, Sammy,� she giggles at the nickname and I finish writing the message and hand it to her, �Here you go.�

�Mommy, can you read this to me?� she asks her mother.

�It says �Samantha, you are a very sweet little girl. You�ll grow up to be a beautiful young woman. Please keep on being so nice to everyone and dream your heart out. You sure did a number on me, �Sammy�. Love, Justin�,� she read to her.

�That was so nice!� she exclaims with a sweet little laugh at the end and turns to me again with intent eyes, �You�re nice to me, too.�

�Thank you,� I reply as she taps me on the arm again, �I like you and Britney as a couple. You should get married!�

I laugh at this comment and turn to her, �I�m not sure if I�m ready to get married yet.�

�Well, whatever you do, do it for you. Make sure you love someone a whole lot before you do anything like that. I wish you happiness, Justin.�

�How old are you?� I ask her, shocked that she said something as mature as that.

�4,� she replied, holding up 4 small fingers to my face.

�Wow, you are smart for 4, keep that up,� I pinched her cheek gently and she turned back to her mother, smiling the whole ride there.

As the plane is landing, my hands start twitching again and Samantha grabs my hand and assures me, �Don�t be scared. If you are, I�ll be scared with you. This is my first plane ride, too.�

I laugh slightly as the people are let off the plane. I get up and get off the plane to watch the woman and Samantha walk off, no one even bothering me with an autograph or anything.

Suddenly, I see little Samantha running back to me, dragging her mother with her, yelling, �I forgot! I can�t wait to get �Celebrity�!� and she walks away, the innocence fading from my view. I am waving to her as I remember why I came here. I run outside, grabbing a quick taxi. I remember where Tiffany lives.

I pay the taxi driver the money and hop out of the cab, thinking of nothing but Tiffany and Matt the whole way there. They lived in a cute little house, not too big, but certainly too small for them.

I knock on the door, hard and loud. Please, God, let her be home and Matt not be dead, I am thinking. A gentle hand turns the knob and the petite, grief-stricken blonde haired, brown-eyed Tiffany looks up at me, �Justin! Oh my g-�

I quickly slam my hand over her mouth and wrap her in my strong arms, her petite body shaking under mine, �Thank God I got here when I did. Where�s Matt? Is he okay?�

She pulls away from my grasp, tears flowing out of her chocolate brown eyes and replies, �He�s doing okay for now. I�m just afraid he�s going to just stop breathing any minute.�

I grab my arm in discomfort; the familiar happiness in her, the feeling that you couldn�t live without seeing her, the amazing life-zapping energy that shocked through you like you got electrocuted even if you stood next to her was gone. Completely gone.

�Please come in,� she moves out of the doorway and I feel like I am collapsing onto her floor in the pain that was soaking through me in this house. I walk in the silent living room, sitting down on the broken-in couch, looking over deadly silently at the crib next to the TV, which was set on low volume on Blue�s Clues.

�That�s Matt,� she sat down next to me, placing her small hand on my arm.

I turn to her and see her eyes so sad and I want to kiss her so bad, not giving a fuck of what the guys, Trace, or Britney thinks. But I slowly get up and look into the small crib, seeing the baby. His intent brown eyes open, locking themselves on me. I can�t imagine what kind of pain he is going through right now. All I can do for him is be here. His eyes sparkle through the dimly lighted room and shoot straight through me, like Tiffany used to do.

�Matt, sweetie?� she sweetly coos into the crib, looking at him with so much love, �This is Justin, my good buddy. Say hi,� knowing he will not reply. He just looks up at me, still burning my inner retinas with his strong gaze, and lets out a faint noise.

�Hey, buddy,� I say to him, feeling like I am a million miles above him. He is so small and helpless. I can�t do anything to stop this.

�Matt? Matt?!?� she exclaims, shaking her baby in fear and anguish, �Oh my God!� I grab her arm and pull her away. She tries to pull her away from me, but I hold her close, knowing what had happened. He had died, �He just stopped breathing!� Tiffany screamed, blood-curdlingly, �Let me go! I�ve got to hold him!�

I let her unwillingly out of my arms and she picked up her dead son out of his useless crib and rocked him, crying and sobbing, singing him a lullaby. He hadn�t died in sorrow of his horrible disease; I was so happy about that. But the death was still devastating to me. He died in happiness that he could look into my eyes like I was his own father and he was able to trust me so much that he let go and died happy. It made me so sad that while Tiffany was cradling him, his eyes were still glassy from looking at me. It seemed like he was only holding on so long just to find a trusting father figure to smile at him. I felt so sad he didn�t have that.

She finally put Matt back in his crib, running to me. I open my arms openly and wrap them tightly around her body, letting her cry on my shirt.

�He finally found a father,� she sobs into my shirt and I stroke her hair gently. I will be there for her, no matter how long the tour will have to be cancelled.

�He�s gone to a good place,� I assure her, kissing the top of her head.

�I know, he is an angel,� she whispers to my shirt, lifting her head up, the familiar shocking value of her eyes and her presence returning to her and soaking through my skin like sponge for a couple seconds. I feel whole with her. I want to love her, but I know I can�t. The special part of her had faded with the death of her son. I miss it, but I will live without it. Like the song says, �I�ve been sittin� here, can�t get you off my mind, I try my best to be a man and be strong, I drive myself insane wishing I could touch your face, but the truth remains, you�re gone.� I have to let it go. At least I can hold her until we can both realize the spirit of her has been taken. I will still love her deep down, but without Matt, she�s not whole. She�s gone.