I am now on my 2nd Rum and Coke of the night. There is a bowl of slightly cold, yet very cheesy, homemade macaroni and cheese in front of me, a completely empty plate which once housed a piece of delectable pumpkin roll on top of it, and my giggles echoed throughout the kitchen. I was not alone, but I felt like I was. My mother was sitting across the table laughing as well, but I knew the truth. In less than a minute when her friend would leave, she would cry because of what she was going through.
This is the recapitulation of all the happenings lately.
I�ve been out of school for just over 2 weeks and have taken a lot of the time to catch up on sleeping. I have been bitter about a few things in my life including my mother and Isaac. Everything has felt like it has been whizzing by quickly, but on the contrary, it is moving as fast as frozen molasses.
Isaac�s life is glamorous. He�s whizzing by on the bus, living his dream, staring out of the window dreaming of what could be happening to him in about 30 minutes time. He is living the dream and I don�t even think he knows it. He could have anything he wants; he�s young, he has money, and he has success. He hasn�t been near any of the personal trauma that I have been through. He has been rather fortunate in that sense and has had, indeed, beautiful women draped on him arm like a fine silk, made perfectly for him.
My life was less. My life has whizzed by as well. I always felt pressing the �play� button on whatever player I had at the time and working some way out of it could heal everything in the world. In the end, it would be some kind of movie, but would have a good ending with a killer soundtrack. Even when I was little, I escaped with recording. Now, I just end up turning on the CD player and waiting for it to carry me away from reality like it shall in the next few minutes.
I have not spoken to Isaac since the day he got released.
Believe it or not, it was a mutual agreement. We both have agreed not to see each other until we were both ready. Technically, the deal was to not even call as well. I have found this very hard and so have the guys have well.
I need to get my mind off things like this or they�ll just put me back in my funk.
I�ve been rather depressed since I�ve taken this hiatus from Isaac and it was starting to show. Mom was wondering why I�ve been so down and reluctant to help around the house, which in result got Grama to start calling me �Queenie�, which bugged the shit out of me, and basically, I just stayed up in my room. I felt this way after I broke things off with every guy in my life. They just built up like a volcano inside me until I could not take it. I would never scream, I would just lash out at a family member (usually my mom) and freak out.
Not to say that it has helped that my mother had been in the hospital for 3 weeks the day that I came home for Thanksgiving vacation and now she needs rehabilitation constantly. God had to bless her with tumors up and down her spine, I guess.
Hah. That makes me fucking laugh, I tell you.
I�ve discovered possibly one of the worst yet funniest cartoons I�ve ever witnessed: Drawn Together. I guess in a way that�s Isaac and I too. Things may go wrong and be fucked up, but we�re together and nothing can change that.
Inertia in a way�a way of keeping things going, a force that cannot stop something like our friendship and relationship. I don�t know if I can really call it love. With the discussion that he had when I thought he was cheating on me, that tore me. I couldn�t take the relationship that he tried to have with me while he was in the psych center super seriously either. He was out now, what was stopping me?
The day before New Years Eve of all days. I looked at the clock once I got upstairs and turned on my new Madonna CD and readjusted my sense of time. Whoops. It�s 1:11. It�s technically New Years Eve now. Maybe I should try things anew with Isaac again. I�m sick of being lonely and I need him. I need him in my life. Even though I was wronged by his actions, he has been trying to change and I should acknowledge that. I miss him too. I miss talking to him, being with him, and acting like a dork with him.
I picked up my cell phone in sudden eager anticipation of hearing his voice and dialed his extension number on my cell phone, which I�m surprised I haven�t dialed earlier. I�m sick of the depression; it�s time to do something for myself and to get me happy again.
As I heard the ringing echoing throughout my ears, I began to think, what would things be like this time around? Would it be different? Would he be willing to try things with me? Could he have already moved on to another girl in these last 2 months? Could he have relapsed and be completely drunk when he picked up the phone?
Suddenly, the ringing cut out and I heard a voice, �Hey, it�s Isaac.�
�Hey Isaac, it�s Sarah, just wanted to-�
�Unfortunately, I can�t pick up the phone at this time as I�m probably with family or with my new girlfriend, Zac.� And I just had to giggle at that, �If you could leave your name, I�ll get back to you once I get your message. Thanks, bye.�
I sighed�nice try, Steps. Nice try. Inertia�haulted.
