Azkaban is so cold; cold like ice water in your veins, cold like winter air freezing your lungs. The cold creeps into your skin, settles in the pit of your stomach, and makes your bones stiff. And you sit, hunched in the corner of that dark, dark cell wishing for nothing more than an errant beam of sunlight to fall across you shoulders. But the room gets darker and colder as the days pass. Your body grows numb, your heart grows sluggish, you soul writhes in cold agony. Curled up on yourself, elbows pressing into your ribs, knees bumping your chest, you try to generate some warmth. Elusive, at best, the blood heat that must needs come from a living body. Alive and a body, that's what you are, but just barely. It is said that Azkaban could be an underworld, a land of shadowy, grey wraiths and their silent keepers, tortured souls that scream out their suffering into the lifeless air and wail eternal despair. But it is not so. Remember what you have heard and know it is true: the screams eventually die away, long before the body does. And all that's left is the cold, empty air.

= = = = =

Nuzzling the wolf's neck, Padfoot trotted along next to Moony and into the Shrieking Shack. The red tipped fingers of dawn touched the sky as the pale full moon faded. In just a few minutes, the transformation would take place and Remus would need Sirius, not Padfoot, as company. The playful race to the shack had left Prongs and Wormtail quite a ways behind. Only the large, shaggy, black dog panted after the werewolf as Moony circled the room a few times before settling down. Padfoot knelt by his friend, licking and snuffling the cool, damp grey fur as the transformation took place. Moony whimpered and shuddered, the shock of returning to human form already sending waves of pain through his body. Growling in response to the call for comfort, Padfoot moved his tongue over Moony's muzzle and nose, cleaning off the blood from last night's hunt. After a final lick to the wolf's jaw, Padfoot drew back, ready to transform before the final tremor wracked the slender, lithe frame of his friend.

Within seconds, Sirius knelt next to Remus as the transformation cast him back into human form, shivering and naked. Placing one hand on Remus' hip as the boy curled into a ball, Sirius looked down at the dusty, cold floor of the shack.

He deserves better than this dump, Sirius thought as he rubbed his hand up and down Remus' back, generating the warmth that Remus didn't seem capable of doing himself.

"Come on, Moony," Sirius started sliding his arm underneath Remus in an effort to lift him into a sitting position, "let's go, sit up."

Remus shuddered and raised himself up on one arm, turning to face Sirius. Fever bright, his hazel eyes searched for something, then melted with recognition when he saw Sirius' face. Dark circles had already formed beneath his eyes, ghastly grey-black compared to his pale skin. Sirius sucked in his breath, surprised by the sight his friend made; the transformation usually left Remus weak and ill, but not like this, not this bad.

"Can you get up? You need help?" Sirius pushed the hair off Remus' forehead, long, fine strands of light brown, already tinged with silver.

"Sirius," Remus whispered hoarsely, dropping back onto the floor.

"Yeah? What's wrong?"

" 'm tired, jus' leave me here," breath breaking down into a series of spluttering coughs, Remus curled back up on himself. The coughing got worse, until Sirius pulled away from the rough sound that ripped from Remus' slender frame.

"Like HELL I'm doing that, Lupin." Sirius carefully extricated his arm from underneath his friend and leaned over to grab their cloaks.

As he pulled both garments toward them, Sirius kept an eye on Remus. The coughing had ceased for a moment, to be replaced with wheezing. Shoulders tensed, knees and elbows tucked up against his body, Remus seemed smaller and younger than his sixteen years. He looked hurt, vulnerable, and so very cold. Numerous scratches lined Remus pale skin, fresh injuries still bleeding, old injuries from when he spent the nights alone, tearing and biting his own flesh. Anger bubbled up and filled Sirius, his stomach churning as he thought of all the people who would willingly cast his friend aside because he was a werewolf. Even the people who helped Remus were only able to do so much, like send him away to a run down, deserted shack to writhe and howl in pain once a month.

"Ehh, hetishhoo! Aheshoo!" Remus sneezed, body convulsing with the force. "ehhh, HehTisshhhh!!"

"Bless you," Sirius mumbled into Remus' hair and pulled the cloaks over their bodies, "you okay?"

"Ehh, Nishhoo!! ohhh," Remus gasped as Sirius spooned up behind him and wrapped his arms around the shaking body.

Sirius just held him, his chest to Remus' back, arms tightly hugging him until the shivering stopped. Slowly, the tension in Remus body eased. Sirius felt the smaller, cold body snuggle against his. Once he heard Remus' breath even out, punctuated by coughs and sniffles, Sirius leaned forward and buried his face in the hair that fell over Remus' neck.

"It's all right, Moony, sleep. It's going to be all right from now on. Nice and warm, yeah?" Sirius whispered, pulling Remus closer.

He kept that position for as long as it took Remus to fall asleep. When he was certain the other boy rested somewhat peacefully, Sirius relaxed his grip. Nobody was ever going to see Remus like this again, not Madame Pomfrey, not Professor Dumbledore. No, from now on, Sirius was going to make sure it was HE who took care of Remus. He was going to care for Remus, Remus J. Lupin, his friend, who just happened to be a werewolf.

"Moony, it's not going to be cold like this again." Sirius promised to his sleeping friend and silently, quickly, and almost guiltily kissed Remus behind his ear.

Footsteps clattered in the hall outside the room announcing the arrival of the other two Marauders. Sirius looked up to see Peter and James talking and laughing as they entered. James stopped short and smiled as he met Sirius' eyes.

"How's Moony?" James asked, stooping before the two of them.

"Shut up!" Sirius snarled. "Don't you even dare wake him up."

With a knowing smile, James leaned over, clapped Sirius on the shoulder, glanced up at Peter and got up to leave. Peter gave him a questioning look after finally tearing his eyes off his other two friends.

"I'll make sure nobody notices you're BOTH missing," James grinned, "and I'll explain to Peter here."

= = = = =

I used to think I could fool the dementors. You know how the dementors' presence is enough to erase all happiness and cheer from your soul and leave a cold, hollow husk? Oh, I thought I had a plan. Happy memories, I would lock them away in the back of my heart, in a tiny box, in a place that the slimy, death cold fingers of the dementors could not reach. Memories of you, Remus, I especially would keep safe. Your name would never pass my lips, for it would be profane to utter it there. I would save my memories for a different time, a different place. Concentrating on revenge, assured of one thing - my innocence - I would seek and plot my escape from Azkaban. Then I would find him, the traitor, and earn my imprisonment, earn the sentence of living death I had been given. Maybe I could see you one more time. I could tell you the truth, now that I know who the real spy was. The warmth and sunlight could bring life to me for one more moment. I could take out my memory box and smile again. (Do you still smile in that heartwarming way like you always did?) I used to think I could fool the dementors. I ended up fooling myself. I had no happy memories to lock away.

= = = = =

Gryffindor common room was a very comfortable place, Sirius thought, as he yawned and stretched in his chair. He had come back late from Potions that afternoon to find Remus sitting in the room alone, copying out notes. In the hours since morning, which they spent together in the Shrieking Shack, Remus had managed to catch a nasty head cold and Sirius had managed to earn yet another detention. Punishment, however, was far from Sirius' mind as he sat in the large, squashy armchair, his eyes closed, listening to the crackle of the fire and the scritch-scratch of Remus' quill.

"Sirius?" Remus spoke slowly, coughing softly afterwards.

"Hmm?" Sirius opened one eye lazily. The rasp of quill on parchment stopped.

"AhhTishoo!" Remus sneezed quickly and snatched up his handkerchief to catch the next one. "Ahhh, hhehh, ihhChooo!!"

"Bless you," Sirius mumbled and shut his eyes again.

"Tha-ahh- ahishh!! itchoo!! Oh, thanks." The rustle of parchment, Remus blowing his nose and the scrape of a chair all managed to keep Sirius from dropping further into his state of complacent drowsiness.

"What did you get detention for this time?" The sound of sniffles and footsteps drew closer to Sirius.

Grumbling, Sirius forced both eyes open. Remus stood before him, one hand holding a handkerchief over his nose. The hours spent on the cruel floor of the shack after transforming had done him no good. An obvious sore throat, stuffy nose and case of the sneezes had at the very least been intensified by his exposure to the cold. The surge of anger Sirius felt earlier roiled inside his stomach again when he saw the pale, tired look of Remus' face. Swallowing it down, Sirius decided to face the other emotion he felt after looking at Remus.

"Something to do with a melted cauldron, nothing to worry about, Moony." Sirius yawned again and sat up. Had Remus' hair always fallen over his face like that? Had his smile always been so soft? Oh, yes, Sirius thought he BETTER deal with that other emotion right away. "C'mere, you look chilly."

Tugging on Remus' sleeve, Sirius pulled the other boy half onto his lap and half onto the chair. Too busy sniffling and itching his nose, Remus clumsily sat down without protest. With a disgruntled snort, he lifted his head and lowered the handkerchief. Sirius, still unsure if his affection would be accepted, placed a shy arm around the boy. He waited for Remus to say something, anything, yell at him or return his gesture, shove him away or pull him closer.

"It had nothing to do with being late?" Remus asked in a nasal voice.

"Well," Sirius hesitated, "maybe a little."

"You know, Sirius, you didn't have to stay with me." His voice little more than a whisper, Remus spoke.

"I know." Smiling cockily, Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "When do I pay attention to what I HAVE to do?"

About to rebuke Sirius, Remus turned to face his friend but snapped his head around. Hand held before his face, he dipped forward and took coaxing breaths.

"ahhuh! huh! heh, Hehishoo! achoo! ahh, hahhh, heh! eh, ehh! ehishhhh!!! ahishoo!" Raising watery, weary eyes, Remus started to offer a congested apology.

As soon as Remus spoke again, and the words turned out to be an 'I'm sorry for sneezing all over you' speech, Sirius hugged his friend closer. Since the act had the desired effect and quieted Remus, Sirius, too, remained silent. He took his hand from Remus' waist and rubbed his back slowly and firmly, just the way Remus liked it. After Remus finished blowing his nose and sniffling, Sirius tentatively stroked his long hair and searched Remus' eyes for some sort of answer.

Remus looked at him calmly, eyes alive with hope and trust. He leaned forward, and with a brave smile on his lips, he kissed Sirius. He kissed Sirius, soft lips and warm breath on his mouth. He kissed him, kissed HIM, Sirius kept thinking as the wonderful sensation finally hit him and he kissed Remus back. With a soft gasp, they separated. Remus nuzzled Sirius' neck and growled low in his throat.

"Mate."

= = = = =

Mate. You marked me as your own that day. I've never known anyone else, nor have I desired to do so. Damnit, I was happy with you, so how could my memories of you be anything but happy? Happy memories, however, die a frozen death in Azkaban, I should be thankful that I have my memories. If I thought of anything that reminded me of you, despair crashed over me. Unfair as it is, I couldn't help but think of you shivering on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, your body so close to mine. Unfair, because you were hardly ever that weak, unfair because you were a man long before we parted, unfair because you claimed me, you were the strong one. Unfair, because, in reality, I was the one who needed someone to keep them warm. Patient, calm, trusting, Remus, I broke so many of the promises I made to you. I ought to have left you on the floor that morning, bare and breathless with cold, than make a promise that I was too weak to keep. Forgive me, Moony, I've spent a dozen years reliving the pain and anger and hopelessness of our love. I spent a dozen years in Azkaban, and every year I felt my heart grow colder without you.

= = = = =

A pair of dark eyes glittered and peered out from the grey-green of the Forbidden Forest. Their owner lay hidden in the tumble of underbrush and autumn leaves at the edge of the forest. Deep enough to remain obscured, close enough to observe, a large, black dog slunk under a dense bush. His eyes narrowed into slits as two figures crossed the Hogwarts' grounds en route to the Quidditch field. Suddenly wide with recognition, the dog's eyes glistened. A young man and a boy walked and talked animatedly.

The boy, the boy he would know anywhere! So much like his father, it was impossible not to recognize him. But the man? He did not need to see him at all to know him. Sniffing the air with excitement, Padfoot took a few steps out of the undergrowth.

Moony

He whimpered as the breeze lifted and carried the scent, distinct, strong, masculine, wolf. Twelve years without the taste, smell of his lover, a dozen years melted away for the space of a few seconds. Struggling to restrain himself, Padfoot mustered all the canine willpower he possessed. His heart yearned to bound out of the forest and pounce on his mate. He wanted to fill his senses with the taste and smell of Remus. Padfoot wasn't the fugitive from Azkaban, Sirius Black was. But Remus knew them as one and the same, and Remus thought Sirius guilty. As if in pain, the dog retreated further into the forest. If he could smell his mate, then Remus could certainly sense him. Lupine senses were strong, especially before or after the full moon.

A beam of sunlight filtered through the tree branches and fell across the sleek, too thin flanks of the dog. Allowing himself one last look, Padfoot gazed at Remus. Twelve years older, hair a little more silver, step a little less eager, but it was his Remus no matter what. Padfoot whined as he saw a flash of hazel eyes and a warm smile, even as the cold wind made Remus shiver.

Moony, I swear, just wait a little longer, please, I promise.

= = = = =

I said I wanted revenge. Oh, and I do, I need to find him, I came here to find the traitor. Little did I know I'd find you, too, Moony. If there's a way for me to have revenge and you too, I'll find it. Give me one more chance Remus, and I will try my hardest to make it all right again. It has to work out somehow; we will be together again. And I hope you take me back. I don't think I'll ever be warm again if you don't.

finis