everyone knows I’m an atheist, I  try to avoid the word ‘god’ and has replaced it with ‘brian’ although this is more of a joke than anything else. The word ‘god’ as in thank god, oh god, is a common practice, like using the Christian calendar. I live on my own set of beliefs, which I admit, I don’t follow all the time. They’re not rules, so I don’t always follow them. Here are the 10 commandments:

 

*never first or second place, I will never run your rat race, I will always be lower than you

*I will waste [my life] if I want cos a wasted life ain’t no crime

*The past will catch you up as you run faster

*I’m not a trendy asshole, I do what I do, do what I feel like

*It’s alright to tell me what you think about me I won’t try to argue or hold it against you

*People are bloody ignorant apes

*There’s no art to find the mind’s construction in the face

*fuck everything that you stand for, don’t belong, don’t exist, don’t ever judge me

*always keep your friends close to your heart

*my pain and sadness is more sad and painful than yours

 

I also have a set of rules which I try not to break: like “I don’t wanna waste my time become another casualty of society” or give everyone a chance, not judge them because they’re different from me, run away from anything that could hurt me and that kind of shit.

 


I love screwed quotes, everyone knows that. This one is obviously taken from proud of being American. I don’t hate Americans, I just believe that some of them are brainwashed by the media, they don’t really know – or don’t want to know – what’s going on outside of their country. Whatever. But I do hate Bush. And everything he stands for. This is how I came about using the “proud of not being American” slogan, it is not an attack on Americans, it’s just that if bush was my president and I was american, I would have said something like “not proud of being American”. Since I am not, I thought “proud of not being American” would be my anti-war slogan. Got it? It’s just like the “not in my name” slogan. Bush is using America for this war. And I still don’t understand how Americans have let things get to this stage. It’s too late now. Sigh.

 


Basically, this is a disagreement I have with the world. I assume that “je vais et je viens entre tes reins” [you thrust in and out of my kidneys, lol] is anal sex. Everyone else seems to disagree with that one. They say it does not necessarily imply anal sex, or that on the contrary, is it vaginal sex. Blah. Oh and don’t try to find out where your kidneys [reins] are found. Some people will tell you that it’s just an image so it doesn’t matter.

 


*Blissful Ignorance*

 

Life becomes so easy
When worries are ignored
Life becomes so light
When burdens are ignored
Ignorance is a blessing in disguise
It helps me to go on unblistered
It helps me to go away without regrets
Ignorance destroys those moments of loneliness,
Those moments of doubt and of wonder
Those moments when I should have been asking myself
Why, how, when
Drawing to the wrong conclusions
Uttering the wrong words
And breaking the deadly, cold silence
But you are there, you bloody ignorance
Preventing me from fucking everything up
Helping me in pretending that I don’t care
That I never cared
And that I will never care
Caring would bring me to my end
Just like ambition has brought others down
So thank you Ignorance
Thank you for being there to make my life blissful.

 

Yeah right. This poem says it all. I don’t find bliss in ignorance but sometimes, you just have to pretend to be finding bliss in ignorance. Or better, pretend ignorance, don’t let your feelings show. Or of course, you could and then you’d end up hurt and alone. You choose. Bliss or pain? [sorry, this is not S&M, you can’t have both]

 


Sarcasm is one of my fave things in the world =) sure, I use it as a weapon, it’s cool when you want to be ambiguous or when you want to keep people away. But I tend to forget that online, people can’t hear the humour in my voice, can’t see my eyes rolling and can’t see the expression on my face. Yeees, I’ve gotten in trouble because of that, so now I am highly paranoid and actually say that I am just kidding after typing some sarcastic. Lol. Ok for your information…

Haha = sarcastic laugh

Very funny = yeah right. Very sarcastically said.

 


This is another tool to keep myself from being hurt. (apart from blissful ignorance and no relationship ruleetc). At the beginning it was fine. If you ask me something about my life between the ages of 11-15, I would have to think really really hard to be able to answer you. I “forgot”. In fact, the memories are there, I shut double locked them in a corner of my sub-conscience. They’re dormant. I practiced at this game and now I’m a pro. Forgetting is my line of work, you could say something to me today and I’ll have forgotten by tomorrow. That’s why I always say that I’m a lame friend. The scary part is that I don’t do it on purpose anymore, it comes naturally.

 


Yes yes yes! I’m attracted to gays, boo. It’s not the end of the world although those who are not attracted to gays might think so. Afterall, I’m a woman, what’s the use of being attracted to gays? Unfortunately, you don’t get to choose who you’re attracted to…looks don’t matter huh? I’m well beyond the looks don’t matter part. I’m at the “who cares if they’ll never even look at me part”. Pleasure owns me, so do gays. You come to terms with it after some time. And you know what? In my case anyway, it answers the question of “sexual preference” or “sexual orientation”. You say bi, straight, gay….i say “attracted to gays”. As to the question of whether I prefer two gay men together or one gay and one straight [suspending disbelief], well either one is fine. As long as it’s fairly consensual.

 


Slash is a world I love. For those who don’t know, slash refers to male/male relationships. I read and write slash fan fictions or stories. At first I was in denial of Jack/Daniel but in the end, I’m their biggest fan. Woo hoo. Yeah so my fave slash couples are Jack/Daniel (from Stargate SG-1), Liam/Augur (from Earth Final Conflict), Curt Wild/Brian Slade and Curt Wild/Arthur Stuart (from Velvet Goldmine), Logan and Alec (from Dark Angel). Yes I am obsessed. Who cares.

 


Call me an insensitive bitch, I.don’t.care. Sure, apathy is supposed to be a weapon against getting hurt but in the end, I’ve realized that I am apathetic, like a lot of human beings. I don’t hide it. A bomb explodes in Sarajevo killing 10? Bummer. A hero dies while trying to save the world? Boo. Shit happens. People don’t like it when I act like this but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again “we are born to die”. People die everyday, we cannot feel responsible or sad by every death in the world. We’re human beings, after all, we can’t carry that much baggage with us. Don’t ask for pity, don’t ask for sadness, ask for apathy.

 


I wonder. Sure I hate people, they’re bloody ignorant, they talk behind people’s back, they’re hypocrites etc etc. But would people be so bad if the society did not exist? I hate the society more than anything else. It only makes people more ignorant, more narrow-minded. Society = stupid rules that everyone has to abide by or else, they’re counted as outcasts. But who set those rules anyway? What is normal? Why can’t we just live by our own set of rules?

I’m also wondering if misanthropy is not the cause of my claustrophobia…when I’m in a large crowd, I keep thinking that I’m going to be stampeded by the crowd or something. I can’t stand long in a crowd, I feel faint and want to vomit. I have to find my way out and breathe fresh air. Of course, it does not explain why I feel insecure and paranoid when I’m somewhere with no windows or somewhere with windows with bars! I can’t stand it for long.

 


It’s a policy of do what you want, whenever you want but try not to take everyone with you if it’s bad. And try not to hurt anyone else in the process. You want to use whips and handcuffs? You want to have sex with someone of the same sex? Fine by me as long as it’s consensual. So no, paedophilia and zoophilia are not in the “fine by me” part. You want to slit your wrists cos it makes you feel good? Fine, whatever floats your boat. You do drugs? Good. As long as you don’t hurt anyone for money or to get the drugs. Got it? [my point of view, not the drugs]

 


A murderer is “respected” for his cold-bloodedness and courage, a suicider [I’ve just invented a word] is thought to be weak. Nevertheless, both acts consist of killing someone. ok, from my point of view anyway. In the end? I’d rather kill someone than commit suicide. But, lucky you, I don’t think I’d have the courage.

 


Don’t get your hopes too high. You’ve applied for a job? Just tell yourself that you won’t get it. If indeed you don’t get it, well too bad, but you were expecting that outcome. If you do get it, then the success is more satisfying. Believe me, been there done that. Well not the job application, I’ve never applied for a job. But I’m talking about tests and exams, university application etc. All through high school I was like “oh shit, I think I failed this test” and I actually managed to convince myself that I did! [of course, when the results came, I did not fail]. But this does not apply to the way I react to what I write nowadays. I really think they’re a piece of shit and I don’t see why anyone would even bother to read them [includes poems and fan fictions]

 


I make the most horrible and the most unexpected typos in the world. I always confuse “ing” with “ed” so I often type “I’ve been waited” and “I have waiting”, lol. And of course, the famous “brian” instead of “brain” and the common ones, like “or” instead of “of” “don;t”, inversing two letters in a word, “out” instead of “put” “ahve” instead of “have”, “sorry” instead of “sorrow”…and the list goes on. I’ll try to add more here when I remember them.

p.s. no, I never look at the keyboard when I type. It would be useless anyway, most of the letters are gone, I over-use the keyboard, heh heh.

 


I want my epitaph to say “I glittered and I was gay”. I don’t want flowers for my funeral and it’s not because I find funerals morbid but because I hate flowers. Instead I want tonz of glitter!! Simple, huh? I want punk music to be played there, possibly NOFX because I love them. Oh and I won’t like it if you wear all black, but you know, I’ll be dead and won’t be able to harm you so do whatever you want. For all I know I could die in the middle of the Alaska and never found. Haha. One thing though, I’m in favour of cremation although I’m not sure about it yet. I want a tomb, you see. Initially I wanted to be buried on the Derby’s land @ Gebert’s cemetery in Port Louis, but my grandpa, the asshole made such a fuss over that land that no one wants to be buried there…knowing that he’ll be buried there too. So Right now I’m thinking about being cremated and buried. Where or how? Time will tell.

 

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