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"The Adventures Of SatAM Man and The Nique" is © Sonicus Prime. Sonic The Hedgehog and other related characters are © Sega, DiC and Archie. Ben Hurst, Ken Penders, Alison Scharlemann, J.F. Gabrie, Pat Allee and all the FUSers are real people, but the events in this story haven't taken place in any real life events. If you don’t like this stuff, I personally couldn’t give a fuck. Anyone caught stealing my stuff will make me very upset and extremely pissed off. If you wish too put this on your site, please Email me first so I can decide if you can. Email address is [email protected] .
The Adventures of SatAM Man and The Nique 4: HOLY CRAP! It’s the one where Archie Man isn’t the Main Villain!
Written by: Sonicus Prime
CHAPTER 1:
Ben, Pat, Alison and the FUSers laid asleep in the vomit on the floor. The phone rang waking up all of them up; they'd only been asleep for 20 minutes for fuck sake! Ben dragged himself along the puke-covered floor to the phone. "Huh? Who is it? What the fuck do you want? Uh? Huh? Mmmmmmmmmmmm OK!"
"If that’s my missus, tell her I'm busy in the shitter having a wank!" John rubbed the pubic hair off from his mouth.
"It ani't your wife John." Ben turned back to the phone "OK, we'll do it!" Ben dropped the phone to the ground and turned to Alison "Alison we've got a problem...."
Alison grabbed Ben by the shirt and pulled him towards her, face to face, "What is it? We out of Cheese balls? OH GOD! TELL ME WE ANI'T!" Alison begged with sad puppy dog eyes.
"NO! That was the stupid mayor of Sonic town... he said something about the SatAM Crew being captured AGAIN by someone, it's gotta be Archie Man again! Comeon, let's go rescue them." Ben helped his sidekick to her feet and they headed towards the SatAM Cave, Ben turned to Pat "You coming for this one?"
"Naaaah, I've gotta go home and burn everything I've ever done that’s to do with Sonic Underground!" She headed for the door "I'll be back later..."
Alison turned to the crazy bunch she knew as the FUSers "Look guys, I want you to be good this time, I don't want anything to be destroyed or burnt! OK? Just for this one time, be good, watch TV or something? Please?" She begged them on her knees.
"OK, but we get to watch whatever we want!" Dominic demanded.
"OK then, as long as it isn't any of my Demona porno!" She locked the cupboard containing the XXX rated movies with her and Demona.
"Awwwwwwww fuck!" Prime kicked the cupboard, but he quickly ran to Alison and whispered in her ear "Comeon boss, you'll let me watch them right?"
Alison had a think about it "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, no!" Then she headed off down to the SatAM Cave.
"Damn it damn it DAMN IT!" Prime yelled, "Oh well, I've still got the one with me and Demona. That time I got her wasted outta her head, thankfully she didn’t remember." he said quietly rubbing his hands together.
"And the one with you and her is in the cupboard too!" Alison yelled back.
"SHIT!"
In the SatAM Cave, SatAM Man and Nique looked at the SatAM Map, SatAM Man pointed to the area on the map where Archie HQ was "OK, simply what we do is go in there and rescue them. We could do it without Archie Prick knowing we are rescuing them, but then that wouldn't be fun would it my little sidekick?" They started to climb into the SatAM Mobile.
"No way! My foot is begging to come into contact with that cunts balls again!" Nique smiled as her right foot twitched.
"All right then, let's go and do what we do best! BEAT UP PENDERS!" The both of them threw they're arms in the air in celebration as they started to drive off...
Back up stairs...
"Dammit how come Alison is being unfair? She won't let us do our thing... destroy stuff!" John slammed his fist against the wall.
"Comeon guys, let's be 'good' for a change, show Alison they we can be trusted!" Shychick said.
"Does... Does anyone know how to be 'good'?" Meta starched his head, looking at everyone; all he got was odd looks.
"Nah, I dunno!" Wildfire was shocked.
"Well I know how to be good!" Reese pulled his bong out and began to get stoned, getting stoned kept Reese outta trouble.
"Well if I was in charge, I'd do things different and better!" Nightweaver said, then he began to day dream...
*DREAM*
"Comeon you slackers! Work harder!" Nightweaver, standing all high and mighty, pointed to the FUSers as they worked on the Sea3on comic, they looked as if they hadn't eaten for a week, all they're clothes were dirty, and a few had died from being overworked. Then he turned to Tristan, who was chained to a wall. Nightweaver pulled his whip out and began whipping Tristan. Tristan yelled out in pain "Yeah, you like that don't you bitch?"
*END OF DREAM*
Nightweaver chuckled to himself.
"Comeon, let's just be good and watch TV." Dominic turned on the TV, which had MTV on.
"Your watching MTV. The TV channel that commands you, the viewer, to do stupid things. Now on MTV, Jackass, and a friendly message from the program... All stunts on this show are done by complete fucking idiots, so you and your dumb little buddies shouldn't try this shit at home or other places. Now on with Jackass! P.S. Do stupid things!"
"Did that thing tell us to do stupid stuff?" Lena pointed to the screen as it showed the Jackass guys getting hurt. Suddenly, all the FUSers had big smiles on they're faces.
"You guys thinking what I'm think of doing?" Prime tapped his fingers together..
"JACKASS STUFF!" They all yelled.
Inside Archie HQ, Archie Man and J.F. Man were sitting at a table playing cards, "Straight flush! OK J.F. gimme ya shirt!" J.F. Man started to remove his shirt. Archie Man began to lick his lips with delight, but J.F. stopped.
"Isn't this kinda gay Archie Man?" he asked his boss
"NO! No way man! Now comeon... Gimme the shirt!"
Suddenly, the door was kicked open, and SatAM Man and Nique dived in attacking the 2 assholes.
"Wait, what are you doing?" Archie Man said just before SatAM Man stamped on his neck.
"Release the SatAM Crew now Archie Asshead!"
"But we didn't capture them again! Look!" J.F. Man pointed to the empty cage.
"Yeah? Well take this anyways!" Nique rammed her boot up J.F. Man's ass.
"Look! We didn't capture them! We didn't plan on doing anything evil to the Sonic community! Today! Now if you don't mind! We plan on playing "Naked Robber" now! Come J.F.!" Archie Man put his arm around the half naked J.F. Man.
"What? What's going on? It's always Archie Man! Comeon SatAM Man! Let's get them!" Nique would of run towards them, but SatAM Man stopped her.
"Wait my little sidekick, I think they didn't do it!"
"Wellllll... Let's get them anyway!" He stopped her again.
"No, we have to find out who it was! But the thing is who has captured the SatAM Crew?" The two heroes exchanged puzzled looks.
CHAPTER 2:
SatAM Man and Nique left Archie HQ and headed off towards the SatAM Mobile, SatAM Man grabbed his SatAM Cell Phone and dialled up a number, "Who ya calling SatAM Man?" Nique wondered.
"I'm calling that stupid, fat, bald headed, dip shit Mayor of Sonic Town and finding out why the fuck he told us that Archie Tosser captured the SatAM Crew again even though he didn't!" SatAM Man held the phone to his ear "Yeah? This the Mayor? Listen you ass crack, why did you tell us... SHUT UP you fuck head! As I was saying, why the FUCK did you tell us that Archie Man captured... Oh really? OK then, sorry!"
"Did he tell you who it was?" Nique asked her boss.
"Nah it was the wrong number! I called my mother by mistake! Shit am I in trouble when I visit her again!" He dialled up another number "Yeah this the Mayor? GOOD! Listen, it's SatAM Man here, and I wanna know why the hell you told us it was Archie Man who captured the SatAM Crew huh? Well... Oh really? Reallllllllly? REALLY?"
"What is it?" Nique asked, rather confused.
"The mayor says it's 2 for 1 at "Mr Monkey Man's Pizza Palace" today! Comeon Nique, I'm fucking hungry!" SatAM Man began running off.
"Wait though... "Mr Monkey Man's Pizza Palace" is the worst fucking place for Pizza in town man!" She stamped her foot down of SatAM Man's cape, causing him not to go anywhere.
"True, but when it's 2 for 1, ya can't go wrong Nique!"
"Hmmmmmm... Good point! Comeon then!" With that, SatAM Man and Nique jumped into the SatAM Mobile and drove off to the Pizza place, and in the distance, a cry could be heard "2 for 1! HELL YEAH!"...
Back at FUS, the FUSers had finished watching Jackass, and they came up with they're first idea.
"Waiiiiiit... What have I gotta do again?" Reese who was really clam from the effect of his weed, was tied to the door frame, with his legs spread open.
"Look man it's simple, all ya gotta do is just stay here while we do this!" Prime then planted his foot into Reese's nuts, Reese let out a high-pitched scream like a little 5-year-old girl who’s just had her ice cream taken off her, "And what we do is bet on how you scream." Prime smiled.
"How many of you guys are gonna do this?" Reese looked up at the long line of his fellow FUSers.
"Everyone is man! Including Prime again, because that was a test what he just did on you!" Nightweaver said from the back of the line.
"... Fuck." That was the only word that came to Reese's brain.
"OK, I think Reese will scream like... Ken Penders when he finds out that nobody has made an account to his message board, and from all the amount of hate mail he gets saying, "You are such a fag for trying to kill Sally and all the other gay stuff that's in your gay comic!"... Anyone else agree?" Dominic said, then everyone else raised they're hands.
"Oh yeah! I'm gonna fucking enjoy this mate!" John had a big grin on his face, he took a few steps back, and then he started to run at full speed, "I'M TAKING NO PRISONERS! YOU HEAR ME REESE'S BALLS? NO PRISONERS!!!"
Reese closed his eyes "Mommy..."
At "Mr Monkey Man's Pizza Palace", it looked as if SatAM Man and Nique had eaten more than they're fair share of Pizza, what with 44 Pizza boxes piled against each other "Man, I can't believe I ate that shit!" Nique was drinking her 7th 2ltr bottle of Dr.Pepper to get rid of the taste.
"Yeah I'll say... but you have to remember Nique, it was 2 for 1!" SatAM Man had just finished off a curst when,
"Hey, hey mister! Are you SatAM Man?" A little boy tugged on SatAM Man, "Oh wow! I can't believe it! It's really you! Say Mr. SatAM Man? I can have you autograph? Plea..." Suddenly, SatAM Man threw up all over this little kid, chunks of cheese, pepperoni, pepper, and tuna covered the boy's entire body.
"Sorry kiddo, I don't do autographs... but have some official SatAM Man Puke for free!" SatAM Man looked on at the boy as he ran off crying.
"Well at least you got it outta ya system boss! Errrrrrr... shall we phone up the Mayor now to find out who captured the SatAM Crew? We do have..." Nique held her gut in pain "Oh god! Oh man I'm gonna crap myself!" She got up and ran for toilet...
56 minutes later...
"Boy that's better!" Nique smiled, then another girl went into the toilet, followed by the terrified scream.
"Good my little sidekick! Now let's go! But first... let's get another 2 Pizzas for the road!"
CHAPTER 3:
SatAM Man and Nique walked out of 'Mr. Monkey Man's Pizza Palace', and SatAM Man had another 16 Pizzas with him. "SatAM Man, I don't think you should eat all those Pizzas" Said Nique as she took a few steps away from him in case he threw up again.
"You think? Nique honey... I don't pay you too think!" SatAM Man threw the Pizzas into the trunk of the SatAM Mobile.
"True you don't pay me too think, but then you don't pay me at all!"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm... You’re right about that. Hmmmmmmmmm, well from now on, I don't pay you not to think. Got it?" Nique answered with a nod "Good! Now back to the SatAM Cave too find out who has captured the SatAM Crew! You drive though, I think I'm gonna spew on the trip back." The two then started to make they're way back to the Cave, leaving a trail of hot, steaming puke behind them....
Back at the Cave...
"Right, what we know is that Archie Man and J.F. Man have nothing to do with the kidnapping of the SatAM Crew!" SatAM Man pointed to two pictures of they're enemies.
"AND that it is possible that they are 99.999999999999999999999 to 100% that they are both fags too!" Nique smiled back.
"Yes your right about that Nique!" SatAM Man patted her on the back "But the main question is... If they didn't capture the SatAM Crew who did?"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." Nique started to starch her head with confusion "Do we... HAVE any other enemies?"
"Holy shit Nique... I think your right!" SatAM Man was in shock, after all those years of fighting the evil against SatAM, he suddenly realised that Archie Man was his only enemy! "Well, I think we better think about this one then Nique!"
Back up stairs...
"OK, now we've all finished kicking Reese in his pecker... " Koatix pointed to Reese, who was holding his joy department, "What do we do now?"
"How about we do as Alison said and be good!" Shychick said.
"No, comeon guys I've got it! We're all gonna a drinking contest! First we go to the store and buy all the Pepsi there and we all drink till we puke!" Prime showed them the footage when the Jackass Crew drank milk till they all spewed up.
"Alright then... It'll be a laugh! Said John as they all left in search of some soda...
After 44 minutes, they all ran back carrying 3 2ltr bottles each. "Phew, oh god! That was close!" Dominic dropped the bottles on the side as he tried to catch his breath.
"Yeah I'll fucking say! We should have just paid for them!" Shychick threw the bottles to the ground.
"You gotta be fucking kidding Shychick! It'd cost a shit load to buy all this! Much easier to steal it!" Prime said as he started to put all the bottles next to them. "Right, let's get this shit going!"...
Back in the Cave, "Well we've spent a good 4 hours think Nique and I finally figured out who did it!" SatAM Man said in excitement.
"Ken Penders?" She replied back.
"No... But that's the only person I could think of... so I guess we are fucked. Oh well, I guess it's the SatAM Crews fault for getting kidnapped again! Comeon, let's go get some more Pizza."
"Are we going to 'Mr. Monkey Man's Pizza Palace' again?" She asked with a worried look on her face.
"Of course!" Nique rolled her eyes, but got up anyway to follow her boss.
On the way to the Pizza Palace, the 2 heroes were stopped by a mysterious hidden figure. "Here, take this!" he passed them a package and walked off.
"What is it? The new issue of 'XXX Demona: The Special Limited Whip Cream Edition’ with a free can of whip cream?" Nique tried to snatch the package from SatAM Man.
"No I don't think it is..." SatAM Man began to open the package, he pulled out a note, it read,
"If you ever want to see the SatAM Crew again, you'll come to Sega Headquarters, which is right in-between... Archie Headquarters and the local Porno store"
"Holy shit! You mean it was Sega?" Nique pointed to the note...
"Right you are my little sidekick! We must save them! Let's go!" The 2 heroes ran off.
"Say, before we go into Sega HQ... Could I go in the Porno store to get that Demona magazine?"
CHAPTER 4:
Nique walked out of the porno store carrying her magazine with a nice big smile on her face. "Mmmmmmmm... Double whipped cream! Boy this is gonna be one good issue!" They started to walk next door to Sega HQ.
"Saaaaaaaay Nique.... Could I read that after your finished with it?" SatAM Man asked his sidekick.
"I don't think you'll want it when I'm finished with it." She replied back to him.
"Huh? Why?" Then his mind got it, "Oh... I see." They walked into the building and saw a reception desk; SatAM Man stopped Nique "I know how to talk to a woman like this! Just wait here, and I'll have us up to where we gotta go!"
"Ok, I'll just look at my magazine!" Nique opened the book and started to drool a little from the pictures, "Oh yeah! Ohhhh you’re a bad Gargoyle aren't you Demona?".
SatAM Man walked over to the lady behind the desk, smoothly; he started to talk to her, "Hey baby... You ever had your asshole licked out by a superhero?" She looked up at him.
"Why no, no I haven't."
"You... want too then?" He asked her with a big grin.
"No!" She slapped him across the face "Now, you need to go to the 186th floor and wait outside the 3rd office on the left. Take the elevator over there" She pointed in the direction, "And... If you EVER try that line with me again... I'll ram my fist down your mouth and pull the label off your underpants!" She then smiled and finished off with "Have a nice day sir!"
"Errrrrrrr... Thanks!" nervously, SatAM Man reached out and grabbed Nique's hand "Comeon!" And they shot off towards the elevator so SatAM Man could get away from the woman...
Back at FUS, "Ohhhhhhhhhhh shit that wasn't a good idea! I can't drink anymore of that stuff!" Nightweaver couldn't sit up, so he laid on the floor with half a bottle of Pepsi next to him.
"Me too! And I gotta go!" Koatix couldn't be fucked to get up, so he just pissed himself.
"Yeah? Well he seems alright!" Lena pointed to Prime who was running around the place like a 5 year old on sugar, drinking all the Pepsi in his way, even unfinished bottles the others just couldn't drink. Hell, at the state he was in, he wouldn't give a damn in someone wanked off in one of the drinks.
"Oh FUCK! His on a sugar bender! TAKE COVER!" Shychick dived behind Wildfire and Dominic.
"Hey fuck you Shychick! I'M getting behind you!" Dominic grabbed her and moved her in front of him.
"But that's fucking normal for him!" Reese said, and then suddenly, John got a grin on his face.
"Hey mates, checks this shit out!" John ran up the stairs followed by a few others "Hey Prime! Come here mate!" Prime heard his Aussie friend and ran up the stairs
"WhatisitJohn? Huhhuhhuh? Tellme! TheresashitloadofPepsidowntherewithmynameonit!" The hyperactive FUSer stood at the top of the stairs shacking like a motor.
"What's that on the floor?" John pointed on the ground, making Prime look down. Then John shoved his friend, causing him to fall down the stairs in a heap. When he was laying on the floor, everyone laughed they're asses off, until Prime got back up and ran up the stairs.
"Heyman! Dothatagain! Thatwasfuckingkiller!" He said looking at John, so then Reese shoved him down to the bottom of the stairs, making everyone cheer, and once again, Prime got up and asked for someone else to do it...
Inside the elevator at Sega HQ, SatAM Man and Nique tried to open the doors to escape! Nique turned to her boss "MAKE IT STOP!" She begged him.
"I CAN'T!" He yelled back to her, and then he looked at the TV screen, showing a lady.
"We are now on the 67th floor and going to the 186th floor. By now, it is impossible to escape the elevator. Now we will be playing the second part of our feature, 'Sonic Underground: The 4 hour documentary on the making of it'" Suddenly the two heroes screamed "If you would not like to watch the feature, please place $5 in the slot."
"QUICK NIQUE! PUT IN $5!" SatAM Man grabbed her and shook her like crazy.
"Yeah fucking right! I spent all my cash on my magazine! What about you?" She said back.
"I left my wallet at back at the cave!" He said.
"Wait, but we were on our way back to the Pizza Palace! You mean you were gonna have me pay?"
"Well in simple words.... Yes."
"Well that’s fucking great!" Nique looked away from the screen and covered her ears "Because of you, we've gotta deal with a stupid 'making of' about Sonic fucking Underground for god knows how long!" She kicked the screen, and suddenly, it turned itself off... "Oh thank god!" She smiled.
"I'm glad I thought of that plan!" SatAM Man said placing his hands on his side.
"WHAT? That’s bullshit! You didn't tell me to do it! I did it because I wanted too!" She yelled back to him.
"Look Nique, I'm the boss, so I'm taking credit for that plan!" He said back to her.
"OK, you do that! I'm gonna read my book!" She sat down, and started to think to herself "And maybe even put the whipped cream to good use!" She smiled.
3 hours later, then elevator doors opened and the 2 heroes walked out "Well she said to take a seat and wait till we're called in."
"Ok, I can wait till then!" Nique pulled out her book.
Inside the office that our 2 heroes wait outside of... "Soon, SatAM Man and Nique will be no more. Once they are gone, we, as in Sega can finally destroy all things SatAM related! Because nobody can defeat me... And as in me, I mean... SEGA MAN!"
CHAPTER 5:
Outside the office, SatAM Man and Nique waited, SatAM Man just looked at the wall across the hallway, while Nique just continued to read her magazine. "Jeez Nique, how long have we been here?" He nudged her.
"Huh?... Oh, about 3 minutes now." She said.
"Really? Fuck it seems longer than that you know".
"Yeah sure... whatever." Nique continued to look at the pictures of Demona "Oh yeah, GOD your Soooooo hot Demona!" Slowly she grabbed the can of whipped cream and put it under her top too spray her chest with it when.
"The boss will see you now." A guy walked out of the door, showing them in.
"OK, thank you!" SatAM Man grabbed Nique's arm and dragged her towards the office "Comeon, we're gonna sort this shit out now!"
"But I wanna read my magazine and spray myself with whipped cream!" Nique started to stamp her feet like a 7 year old.
"Oh do behave Nique! You can do it later after we're finished here!" SatAM Man pointed a finger to his sidekick "Be a good girl will you?"
"Alright I'll behave... but I get to treat this guy like complete and utter dog shit!"
"Fair enough Nique." The 2 heroes headed into the office. Upon entering, a guy behind a huge, big desk greeted them; he got up to have the words "SEGA" written on his costume.
"Welcome, please take a seat." He offered them a chair each. The 2 of them sat down. "Would you like a free Dreamcast? Go on, it's free!" he held the console out towards them, from behind, there was stacks and stacks of boxes marked "UNSOLD DREAMCASTS" on them, there must of been about 500 of the huge boxes.
"Hey cool!" Nique took a hold of it, but SatAM Man slapped her hand.
"No thank you. Nique here is kidding with you!" He stared at her.
"No I wasn't. I really want it!" She grabbed the console again but SatAM Man slapped her hand again.
"NO you don't!" he stared back at her.
"OK, no I don't!" She crossed her arms and turned away from her boss, mumbling to herself.
"I'm sure you didn't ask us here to give us a free Dreamcast, so why did you ask us here?" SatAM Man looked at Sega Man with squinty eyes…
Back at FUS...
"OK, we've broken Prime into about 4 separate pieces from shoving him down the stairs... how many times?" Tristan looked at Prime as he started to fix himself.
"I dunno... about, 43 times." John said.
"Meh, he loved every minute of it!" Reese said placing his hand on top of Prime's head.
"Yeahyeahyeah! Isuredid! Itwasafuckingblastman!" Finally, he placed the last part into its socket "There! I'mfinished! Goodasfuckingnew!" He stood up.
"Errrrrrr Prime." Dominic pointed to him "Your leg doesn't go were your arm is meant to be." Looking at the FUSer, he had placed all his parts in the wrong place.
"Damn! Ohwellbetterstartagain!" He was just about to pull himself apart when,
"Hey mate, let me do it for you!" John helped Prime up the stairs and pushed him down them again, "Man, I'm never gonna be bored of that!"...
Back inside the Sega building, "So where the hell is the SatAM Crew, huh?" SatAM Man slammed his fist on the desk.
"Right here!" Sega Man pulled a remote control out, pressing a button on it, a huge screen lit up showing the crew inside a room, being well treated.
"Huh? So why the fuck did you capture them?" Nique looked on at the screen.
"Because I need bait!" Pressing another button on control, the floor under the chairs of the 2 heroes opened up, causing them to fall into a dark tunnel "To capture the 2 of you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Falling down the tunnel, Nique looked at SatAM Man "Well that's the last time I'm gonna trust a guy with a big desk who offers you a free console!"
CHAPTER 6:
SatAM Man and Nique both landed on they're Asses on the hard floor. The room was circular, no door, and no nothing. "OW! Dammit, I bet he wouldn't have done that if I took his stupid console SatAM Man!" Nique pointed to her boss, looking rather pissed off.
"Oh sure, blame me when we get captured why don't you!" He crossed his arms and turned away so not to face her, "Fine then, I'm not gonna talk to you again Nique!"
"OK then, screw you!" And she too turned away from him, but the silence wouldn't last long, by the time 26 seconds had past, the 2 heroes were talking to each other "So if we get out of this one boss, what are we gonna have to eat?"
"I've still got those pizzas in the trunk of the SatAM Mobile." thinking of the pizzas, SatAM Man licked his lips.
"Well yeah but... wouldn't they have gone all mouldy and stuff by now?" Nique got an image in her mind of the nasty pizzas, making her feel a bit sick.
"You just can't let a good pizza go to waste Nique!" Suddenly, a panel on the wall slid open showing a screen there.
"OH FUCK! They're going to show us the rest of "Sonic Underground: The 4 hour making of documentary"! Nique tried looking for a way out, "OH DOUBLE FUCK! There’s no way out!" then she tried looking for cover, "OH TRIPLE FUCK! There aren’t even any corners to hide in!"
"SHIT, FUCK, ASS! We really seemed to be doomed now my little sidekick!"...
Meanwhile, back at FUS, "OK..." Tristan pulled out a drawing board "Here is the new plan, we're gonna..." But before he could finish, Shychick yelled.
"Do as Nique said and be good!" everyone looked at her, then they bursted into complete laughter.
"Oh man... MAN that was a good joke Shychick!" Mistress Ali wiped a tear away from her eye.
"No no... I was being serious!" she said back.
"Oh... Well never mind. Here's the new plan. Simply we tie Light here to a post and then chuck a shit load of stuff at him like cans, rocks, anything heavy to can grab!" Tristan showed off a little stick man drawing of the plan.
"Yeah! This is gonna... HEY! Wait a fucking second! You said Light was gonna do it!" Light looked scared.
"Yeahyeahyeah! Thatswhatthemansaidyoudipshit!" Prime followed by John and Reese grabbed him, moving him to a near by pole they had just made.
"But that’s me! I'm Light!"
"We know, you’re the one doing it mate!" John tied Light's feet to the bottom of the post.
"But I don't wanna do it!" He looked on as they walked back with the other FUSers.
"Yeah... Well your gonna have to deal with it! So just be a man you piece of crap!" Reese raised a thick edition of the "Stoner's Bible" over his head.
"Alright guys, fire!"...
Inside the room that held SatAM Man and Nique, SatAM Man and Nique looked at the screen, it showed Sega Man talking back to them "What are you gonna do to us?" SatAM Man said to the jerk on the screen.
"Is it gonna be something nasty, like... making us watch you destroy the SatAM Crew? Or teasing me with a packet of cheese balls? Because I really want some cheese balls right now!" Nique gave some shifty eyes to Sega Man.
"Hmmmmmmm.... no." Sega Man said to the young girl.
"Well what then? Your not going to have me kill my sidekick to free me, because... I might have too if it involves me getting free!" SatAM Man pointed to his sidekick, Nique eyes just went as wide as a pair of baseballs.
"No Basically, I'm gonna have you watch a 10 hour preview of Sega's new Sonic show "Sonic X"!" He laughed at them.
"Hmmmmm, that doesn't sound so bad. I've been waiting to see it." Nique sat of the floor in front of the screen.
"Oh but the bad thing is that you'll have to watch it in Japanese! Without subtitles! Your brains will blow up when you can't understand what the characters are saying! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!"
Nique and SatAM Man looked at each other.... "Can you speak Japanese my little sidekick?" SatAM Man asked in a worried tone.
"No! Can you?" She asked back to her boss.
"No I can't!" The screen faded into black, then it showed Japanese credits.
"Well I guess we're fucked boss!".
CHAPTER 7:
Looking at the screen with wide eyes, SatAM Man started to pull his hair out, "DAMMIT! I CAN'T TAKE IT! ALL I CAN HEAR IS FUCKING JAPANESE!!!" Slowly, he fell to his knees.
"But SatAM Man... The episode hasn't even started yet." Nique pointed to the screen which showed the number 83,434, slowly counting down to the start of the episode.
Getting up, SatAM Man just looked as if he was joking, "I knew that Nique! I was messing with you!"
"Suuuuuuuuuuuure you were SatAM Man!" Looking at the screen, she started to think... "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... You know, that number hasn't moved for like about... 4 hours now!"
Watching and listening to the captured heroes, Sega Man paced around the room, he turned to a Japanese guy who was in the office with him, "Sooooooooooo, how long will it be till the first episode is finished?"
The guy pulled out a note book, flicking through the book, he found the page he was looking for, "16th of March... of next year."
"Hmmmmmmmmmm... I wonder if they'll still be alive in about a years time?" Sega Man asked the guy in the room.
"I don't think so."...
Back in FUS, Light laid passed out in a pool of his own blood, slightly twitching "Hehehe! DamnthatwassogoodIwannadoitagain!" Prime started to grab the rocks and throw them at Light's nearly dead body.
"No dude! We've gotta do something new!" Reese grabbed the rocks off Prime, then looking at Light, he too threw a rock at him, "Haha, that's cool!"
"Wait mate, I've got it! Dominic! Go get a glass of cold water!" John yelled as Dominic ran out of view and into the kitchen. He returned with the water.
"What this for John?" Dominic asked as he handed the water over.
"Check this shit out!" He grabbed Light's hand and put it in the water. Everyone watched in amazement as Light started to piss himself. Everyone then looked at each other, and with big smiles on they're faces, they all started to piss on Light...
Inside the prison room, "Damn this isn't good! If the show doesn't start soon, we'll die of boredom!" SatAM Man banged his head on the wall.
"Look, we could always... errrrrrrrrr... well, kill each other before we die of boredom"" Suddenly, Nique grabbed the nearest thing to her, which happened to be the can of whipped cream.
"WAIT NIQUE! DON'T!" SatAM Man covered his face in fear.
"What? I was just gonna spray myself with this stuff before you kill me." She got up and walked around the room "Ya know... I never guessed it'd end like this, trapped in a room, waiting to die. With the only real thing to talk too is my Demona magazine or the wall, and I'd most likely get a reasonable reply out of those 2 more than I would out of you... I just wanna say... It's been a blast working with you SatAM Man!" She turned to her boss.
"Huh? What was you saying Nique?" He watched a fly in the room buzz around him.
"Never fucking mind." She walked over to the wall and kicked it "WE'LL NEVER GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" she kicked it again, and the wall feel out of place giving them a way out, "HUH? Oh fuck yeah! SatAM Man! We're saved!".
"What was that Nique?" He continued to watch the fly buzz around him. Nique grabbed him and they shot out of the room.
Watching them leave they're prison, Sega Man shitted his pants "Oh fuck! I knew I shouldn't put those walls together with sellotape!"...
CHAPTER 8:
SatAM Man and Nique ran down the corridors of the Sega building, "Say Nique... Do you know where the fuck we are?"
"No I don't SatAM Man!" She yelled back too him.
"So there isn't a shitter anywhere near here?"
"Hmmmmmm I don't think so." They continued on until, "Oh look, there's a map on the wall!" The 2 heroes walked too the map, on it, it showed a red dot saying 'You are here', and at the top, it had a blur dot saying 'Sega Man isn't here! Serious! Believe us!’ Nique had a quick think, and she pointed too the blue dot "Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, I think this is where we gotta go to get Sega Man!"
"But Nique... it says he isn't there."
"It's saying that so we don't find him and rip he's balls off! Sega Man's gotta be there!" Nique grabbed SatAM Man and dragged him along "Comeon!"...
Upstairs...
"FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO?" Sega Man ran around his office, all-panicking. There gonna find me up here and do something bad too me like hey did too Archie Man and J.F. Man!" he looked too the window, "Hmmmmmmmmm, maybe I could jump for it!" He ran for the window, but fell on his ass when it didn't smash "Oh shit! Well that’s that plan down the fucking drain! And now I can't think of another plan!"...
Back at FUS...
"Hehehe Hehehehehehe! Manthisplanisgonnabefuckingradman!" Prime jumped up and down with excitement.
"YEAH! But what is the plan?" Forest asked.
"Don't worry Forest, just go and stand outside next to the street sign!" Tristan pointed to Forest as he left the room.
"Right, now that his gone. John, what you do is just ram the shit outta him when Forest isn't expecting it. Hopefully you can crush his ribs and some other stuff too!" Mistress Ali showed John the drawing board showing two stick guys.
"Excellent mate!" John rubbed his hands together as Light woke up.
"Ewwwwwwwwwww, I'm all sticky." Light tried rubbing himself clean.
"Right John, I’ve got your order. Go and wreak the fuck outta Forest!" Reese pointed to the door, and was followed by a battle cry from John as he ran for the door to kill Forest…
Back inside Sega HQ...
"Dammit SatAM Man! Hurry the hell up!" Nique banged on the door labelled "Closet"
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnn.... Hang on a second Nique! Nnnnnn... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" SatAM Man strained for 20 minutes, suddenly followed by a loud "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Oh thank you God!" He came out from the tiny room pulling his zipper up.
Nique's eyes started to water! She quickly covered her nose "OH DEAR LORD!" she began to gag, "What the fuck have you been eating?"
"Errrrrrr... Mr. Monkey Man's Pizzas."
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