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Casual Updates


01.24.03 - "You have a call from Channel 4, would you like to accept?"

Last night I went to Remote Lounge with Jessica, Mariel and George and it was really fun! here are some pics from the night. check the place out at www.remotelounge.com



12.21.02 - cornell meets loveboate meets shanghai

so eric wu from loveboat was in town one night, so i went into manhattan to meet up with him. he was staying in queens with two friends he knew from his international school in hong kong. earlier that night, amy called me and said that some of her friends from cambridge were in town, and that if i'm gonna be in the area (in nyc), i should meet up with them. So doot doot doot, i was eating sushi with eric, when all of a sudden, i get a call from amy who goes, "hello ms. popular - center of the universe, my friend from cambridge knows your friend! Eric, was it?" i was so confused, but it ended up that amy was hanging out with the people eric was visiting new york with! Since Eric was studying in the UK, and Marianne was studying in London, they had traveled to new york together. amy knew marianne from China last summer, and the other girl with them was helen, who moved from toronto to vancouver, where eric's not lives. PLUS, she also went to shanghai american school. so the whole night was very coincidental and it just proves that AMY AND I KNOW EVERYONE.




09.30.02 - drooping eyelids

oh yes, it's too late, and i'm too tired, with too much work to do. here's a lil' lifter...=)


08.12.02 - whatta man whatta man whatta man...



08.08.02 - last day of work!

w00t w00t baby!! did i ever think this day would come??? I can't believe that only a few months ago, I was so optimistic about the future, what this job and summer would give me. And here I am, sitting at the same desk as I was on the first day of work, looking BACK on all the things that have happened since June 3rd. Don't you hate fun nights that go undocumented? Like fun nights out when people are having so much fun, that they forget to take pictures? Yes, too many of those nights occurred in the last few months -- i have no proof that they actually happened! So i'm going to write about them now, so I don't forget about it in October, when I'm sitting in my cold ass apartment at 2 am with 3 problem sets due the next day.

nyc endeavor #1 - EXIT with Vivian, Grace and Corrinne

4 chicas met at Corrinne's house and I was utterly fascinated with her straightening iron, but couldn't manage to get those darn strands of hair in the back of my head! I kept missing and ironing what i thought was hair, but was actually just air. So mommy mimi helped me out, and made my hair look silkily smooth like hers and we were off! drove into the city and met up with her ghetto-fab friends, pre-partied a bit in the car (yes, IN THE CAR in FRONT OF EXIT) and then scampered in. As Jackie described it, "everyone is rollin, and all these juiceheads are trying to rub their sweaty, shirtless bodies agains you." So I can't say that i had an amazing time or anything, but at least now I can say that i saw paul van dyke at Exit. And i ran into Brandon from loveboat for 2 seconds just as we were leaving. Plus, if i didn't go to Exit, I probably wouldn't have met Jimmy at dimsum the next day, so there is a good side to everything!

lost fun night #2 - Thursday night happy hour @ Float

So Wednesday night, Corrinne and i are like, let's go out tomorrow! So i call my people and she calls her people, and we simultaneously call each other and say "there's an Asian happy hour at Float tomorrow, let's go!" Called lily and asked her to come. So when i went to sleep on Wednesday, we hadn't planned anything out yet. And then Thursday, during the day, Lily and i cannot get a hold of Corrinne. I called every single department in Nordstrom looking for Corrinne Young and then finally Lily got HR to page her over the loudspeaker -- turns out she was working in handbags, who woulda known? So she's like, "yeah!! i definitely want to go out tonight!" and lily and i were like, "ok, and we were supposed to know that, telepathically or something?" So we all rushed off work, scrambling to catch the train in. This turned out to be a bigger fiasco than you would think. 3 diff people getting on at 3 diff stops, all running late, thinking we missed it, should we get on, get off, meet at grand central, aiyah, it was a mess. And then finally we all reunited at gct, quickly chalked my ID in the Rite Aid, and we were off! Then we met up with these guys that Corrinne knew, and they were really nice, fun guys! except one dude, who was kind of aloof. So when he started hitting on Corrinne, he was talking about how he grew up in westchester. So i butt in and i'm ike, "i went to byram hills!" and he's like, no, I went to Byram Hills. And i go on saying , "no, I was the only Asian at that school" and he's like, "no no no, I was the only asian at that school. and we were fighting over who was the only asian at Byram hills. So, dun dun dun, who was this character? GREG fuckin' CHOW! we were both in shock for the rest of the night. I remember, one summer, i slept over my friend becky's house, and he slept over his friend doug's house, and becky and doug and brother and sister. So the next morning, the 4 of us made breakfast together. He didn't remember that, but i definitely did, and it was definitely him. So it's a small small world out there. What are the chances that he would be friends with the 3 guys we were meeting up with? craziness. But in addition to this absurd revelation, i also ran into Kyle! i heard someone shout my name and there's Kyle, towering above the crowd! And who is he with? NOELLE!!! from loveboat! oh, it was a joyride. She's working in LA this summer, but was visiting new york that weekend. Afterwards, we got sushi in the village because none of us ate...we just dove straight into the drinks at 7pm. After a fun and exhausting night of dancing and run-into-old-friends excitement, we were pooped and took the metro north back to westch.

undocumented memory #3 - tapas, sangria, where's my ID?

Lily had just gotten over her deathly ill toothache virus (hahahaha) so i asked her to come into the city with me, to meet up with Simon. We got there, went to eat tapas and drink sangria at La Paella (which i would recommend, not highly recommend, but it's yummy and tasty). Corrinne was in the city that night, too so she came down and met up with us. I can't really tell you exactly what happened, because I don't remember it, but from what Corrinne tells me, Lily and I were talking to some people in a red car, until she pulled us away. Lily denied the existence of her 8 month boyfriend, and pretended that her wrist was her ID. When the bouncer asked us for ID, she's pulls her hand out, with nothing in it mind you, and was like, "here!" Anyway, that was at some club where Simon had a friend spinning, and then we went to Blue in Ktown and met up with some Columbia Lambdas who Corrinne knew. So, that was kinda dull because we were all pretty tired at that point. We dropped Corrinne off and then went back to Simon's to get our stuff. Then ..... Lily couldn't find her purse. So we decided to just go back to my bro's and look in the morning. At 8 am the next day, Lily realized that she left it at La Paella! oh my, what a disaster...I locked myself out of my atm account by accident, so between the two of us, we had no MONEY! We were total bums, walking around new york thinking, "what to do, what to do..." I just used mommy's credit card for everything. So we finally got to the restaurant, and there was a dude there who only spoke Spanish. So with lily and my spanish skills combined, we convinced him to let us look around, and it was there! With all the money in it, not a single thing missing! hurrah! we rejoiced. So we were walking around SoHo and decided to step into a magazine store to escape the heat, and who is sitting at the table drinking a snapple? None other than Simon! So we did a little shopping, ate vietnamese food, and then called it a day.

So anyway, my point being, since I don't have any pictures to prove for all of this happening, I could be making all this up. But if i were making it up, it'd probably have been a lot more entertaining. Are you still actually reading this???

So now, all my close friends have left me to party in Asia. Corrinne's on loveboat(which, for clarification purposes, is NOT A BOAT!), grace is in beijing, Lily's in japan, Amy's in Shanghai. Geez, I lived in Shanghai for 2 years and went to Taiwan last summer and everyone else was in america. Now everyone is in Asia while I'm at home!! AArgh, even Graham is leaving in a few weeks! Anyway, I can't wait till they come back! I mish dem. And then there's a whole other story about friends who ditch you for no apparant reason, but I won't get into that because that might make her uncomfortable.

The rest of my summer was documented quite nicely, because it was all with Jimmy: Opera in Central Park, Nacho Mama's, Twelfth Night, Princeton, Sushi Samba. It's all responsibly posted online. His website has instructions on how to access them, so go visit it. I would post them here, but I've been getting a lot of those stupid data transfer errors lately. grrrr, have to do something about that. I guess that's what the next 2 weeks of nothing is for!

07.15.02 - no more cowardly stalking!

booo. So verry bOOOO. hotmail just deleted all the msgs in my inbox!! Ahhh, oh wellz. too bad. i had a bunch of old emails in that account, and it kind of reminded me of how much i utilized email as a form of communication back in the day. I don't really know what happened...whether it was all of us maturing or various migrations throughout the world that changed how close we used to be. Geez, sitting in this cubicle for my 6th hour in a row makes me realize that things were much much simpler then! Why do i wish to grow up so quickly?

It seems like with all the technology that's taking over these days, communication has become so convenient that i've forgotten to make an effort to keep in touch with people. you know, there's a lot of cowardly stalking going on. You know, everyone checks away msgs but don't leave mesaages, surfs other people's homepages, but don't sign guestbooks, read xanga entries but don't give props, search google (well, only i do that when i'm bored at work.) but why should i google when i can email?

For example, stationary. Remember when you went away to camp for the summer, and one of your friends/aunt/sister would give you stationary to keep in touch? When i was 14ish, I know that I keep a shoebox full of letters between my cousin and I that lasted 3 years long! until email came around. until i moved to china. until cousin went to college. until i started dating. and the whole world decided to grow up on me.

so this makes me wonder: what have i replaced all this with? career angst? party noise? relationship static? fiscal budgets?

06.04.02 - what makes you stop (give a shit) caring?

How can you explain someone who just stops caring? There are a lot of things we couldn't give two shits about, like people we have never met, people we don't like, ugly people (j/k), a bad grade on an exam you didn't study for, etc. So why is that after spending 2 years of being friends with someone, or spending 6 months on a project, or spending 10 years learning to play piano, you just don't give a shit about it/him/her anymore? I'm talking about that best friend you made in summer camp 2 years ago that you lost contact with, or that presentation you made in high school, or your ex-boyfriend that moved half way across the nation and you didn't even know it. I've had 20 years of full and enthralling experiences. lived in shanghai for 2 years...took tennis, gymnastic, and swimming lessons...attended prep school summer sessions....family vacations to the caribbeean, but i look back and all that is great, fabulous, but it doesn't add up to SHIT.

This is the first summer i've spent at home in 5 years, and I couldn't feel more shitty about myself because somehow, within the past few months, i have managed to dig myself into a hole and wind up with no friends. I have albums filled and walls covered with pictures of old friends, but what does all that mean when I'm sitting on my couch, on an idle Tuesday afternoon, alone?

04.07.02 - tired and hurt

When the rest of the world and the rest of your life stares at you straight in the eye, do you ever feel like you want to run away from it all? The pressure has been exorbitant and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I just want it all to stop, the interviews the fading friendships the hurt. In addition to all the highly critical senior recruiters, those who once loved you have changed and now love someone else. The help of a stiff drink alone doesn't do the trick..it just makes you want to party with a sad look on your face. It makes your head happy and your body move but your heart is still heavy and your guts still ache.

03.31.02 - empty

Last day of March. Ting and Sarit turn 20 today.
I am scared. terrified of what next year holds. Will this cycle keep repeating itself? where good friends just leave and graduate, just leave and move out, just leave for a semester, where good friends just leave, just because? I miss how it used to be...Sarit and Kira as my sisters, Petula as my homegirl study buddy, cooking partner Larry as my fun-loving gay friend, Chris Fan as my confidence, Peggy as my role model. They've disappeared and taken a part of me away. And when I look at who I am, I see them, and I miss them.

03.16.02 - unemployed

AHHHHH. I am going to be unemployed the rest of my life! AHHH. Damn AEM, Damn this competitive major, damn the economy, Damn FINANCE, damn business, NOOOOO. *sigh* can't i just do i want to do?? I would love to do TXA. I would love to kick ass in AA politics. I would love to learn to become a chef. I would love to bartend. or serve coffee. I have 2 more months to get a job for the summer, otherwise I will be doomed to spend my summer at Cornell...in ITHACA...with NO CAR! ahhh, no please no please no, don't make me spend more time in crappy ithaca in my crappy apartment than i have to! I wish i had my car...i miss my baby diesel.

03.06.02 - engineering in a nutshell

msun103:hot date with my two favourite guys (-hot as in thermo section where we do a lot of heat related problems) and then another date with my other two favourite guys (statics lab group meeting) wow, what a night!

03.04.02 - migraines

And once again, winter returns to the lovely town of Ithaca, where the cold has the power to inflict pain on you the same way a migraine does.

03.03.02 - farewell to faux-fur

As I sit here surfin through urbn.com, I started experiencing a very strange feeling. I was flipping through furry vets and orange shoes until I thought for once, that I might not actually be able to could pull off wearing these clothes. How ashamed I am that I've fallen into the rut of banana republic and armani exchange sales.

03.03.02 - pre-post-teenage angst

AHHHHHHH!!! One by one, all of my friends are dropping like flies out of teenage-hood and into their ... tw...twen....twenties. What's next, slowly falling victim to post-teenage angst? I don't want to turn 20.

03.01.02 - new goals

yay! I may possibly model for what janet designs for the fashion show and i have just realize that this weekend in April is quickly approaching. THEREFORE, I have officially decided. new on campus diet: sushi is ok, but not too many packages of it. NO Pizza from trillium or ivy room (ohhh but pizza's so yummy and good). no snapple, only H2O (also saves dining dollars, very good) Special K cereal, no more trips to dining halls (ie north star and jansens) where they only believe in using heavy cream, butter, full-fat mayo, etc bad for you ingredients. yes, good plan.
ALSO will fantasize about future goals:
1) open a low-fat bakery/coffee shop that will only carry product made from skim milk, dark chocolate, natural sugars, egg whites, and non-excessive frosting. Top sellers will include: angel food cake with light raspberry drizzle, fruit tarts, quiche(?), dark chocolate cakes that substitutes skim milk for oil. hmmm, perhaps I should have stayed with Food Sci...but then I would have had to endured 4 years of Orgo, bio, chem, with nerdy science people. obviously, i am much happier with superficial, money driven classmates from Long Island and Westchester.
2) become a successful woman of intelligence and confidence at MSDW. Lead a decadent lifestyle for 2 years after college by working hard, eating out, drinking cosmos, thriving off caffeinne and then retire and move to Barcelona until depleting bank account reads 0 and I am forced to return home and lead normal, functional lifestyle.
3) live and study in new york city. woohoo for urban semester!

02.02.02 - lucky date

Tired.

1.31.02 - none other than...



i always knew i had it in me...

1.21.02 - Winamp Song on Repeat

"If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? Cuz you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight. It's always times like these when i think of you and i wonder if you ever think of me. Cuz everything's so wrong and I don't belong living in your precious memory."

1.3.02 - Boaters

Yay! I got to hang out with a few of my old loveboater friends today: Ava, Hong, Mike, Howard and Shylow. You know, the greatest thing about loveboat is that there is a certain bond that will not go away. The day started off a little slow since we are all young and immature and function optimally only after 8 PM. We met Howard and Shylow at Galaxy to eat and the second we sat down, everyone was talking and laughing as if we'd seen each other yesterday. We can go for months without speaking, but the second we're all together again, things are back to normal and we are all chill. It's only been 6 month so everyone is exactly the same, looks the same, acts the same, but no other group of my friends can just pick up from where we left off like Boaters do. For example, did any of us hesitate to take out our cameras whenever anyone was taking a picture? That's just how it is with boaters.

12.29.01 - "We're just hanging out"

Had a good time this weekend with my churchie westchester girls and nyu boys -- spent a grip at Blue. Then we hurried over to Speed to get in for free before eleven only to realize that those bastards just decided to not let anyone in before eleven! 45 minutes and two trips to a nearby deli later, we finally got in, danced, partied, the usual. Then, me, viv, grace, and lily cabbed back to the waverly diner, spent the few measly dollars we had left for the night and walked back to to vivian's dorm, and i literally crashed on the hard-wood floor.... Next episode: Club MK.

11.13.01 - life is merely a stage

When I was around thirteen years old, I would come home from school to an empty house. I was always paranoid that someone was watching me when I was alone or that I saw a pair of beady eyes dash swiftly across the window while I was reading. I transformed this paranoia into a way of psychologically putting on a show to an imaginary audience, where this audience would see the true Phyllis beyond all shyness and insecurity. I was �secure in the conventions of my trade, that someone would be watching. And then, gradually, no one was.� This illustrates one aspect of human nature that people often wish to refuse to believe. It is the approval and recognition of others that keeps us going, that keeps us acting and rehearsing our identities. However, there always comes a point in time when all recognitions and approval ceases, leaving an actor �caught, high and dry�. It leaves a person asking him or herself �what did I do wrong? What do I have to do?� This aspect of human nature can also be illustrated by the emphasis people put on appearance. It is obvious that a person would promote his or her appearance to be aesthetically pleasing to others. However, when a person defends that these motives are solely because it is aesthetically pleasing and gratifying to oneself, I cannot understand or believe that the defense is sincere. It would be like putting on a show for oneself. When I talk to myself, I always have to pretend someone is listening. Or if I am writing, I have the comfort knowing that someone will eventually read it or that I will read it as a different person from what I was when I wrote it. The absence of an audience and the hope that there is one spying �upon us from behind the nearest bush� can only go on for so long, because eventually, we have to take �off our crowns and swords and cloth of gold�, take off the costumes of the identities we work so hard to be and move silently on.

11.12.01

neoncoughs: Why did I even get out of bed this morning?
o t h i e k i m: u got out of bed this morning b/c it was a new day. and u will continue to get out of bed every morning after this one b/c that's the only way u can discover new ways to live your life.

10.18.01

Sometimes I look back on my family and wonder how things got this way. The same father who used to let me swing and somersault on his thumbs, now sees me with scorn and disappointment. Gosh, if I could only make you understand the least bit about my familiar relationships and how hate, love and jealousy play a role in creating repercussions that shake my home from the core, from the heart of every one of us.


10.3.01 - Incognito Paradisio

I don�t think I could have been more ecstatic about the weather this afternoon when I stepped out of my last Stats section one hour early. The sun had that moist warmth and the breeze swept through my hair as seagulls flocked and squacked through the Ag quad. I think it was because I solved a really hard problem in class way before everyone even got to it that made me feel good about myself; yes, I am a total nerd but I haven�t felt like a nerd ever since I came to Cornell. Which is really quite scary if I may say the least about the rest of my fellow peers here. So not only had the weather been perfect enough to feel like I was in Florida and along the beach, I was wearing my perfectly broken in loose-fitting Silver jeans (you know where the inner seam�s coming apart..) and a black cotton-stretchy t-shirt. In fact, I was so excited at the discovery that it was actually possible for Ithaca to be sunny, so warm, so pleasant and for me to feel so accomplished, so self-defined during Prelims week, that I forced my eyes wide open in this blaring sun, that my head hurt. So instead of my usual relief and release routine of secretly singing at the top of my lungs in my room, I lifted my eyelashes, took a deep breath, and never wanted to go indoors again.


10.02.01 - Why I don't drink: Cayuga's Convenient Care Center

I ended my night by drinking a glass of alka-seltzer. I didn�t want to waste it. The next morning, I woke up to my stomach in full outright nausea. It was as if it had solidified all the contents in my stomach and was pounding against my organs and belly button. After spending two hours at home, I realized that after 8 vomiting encounters I had with the toilet, I hadn�t gotten the least bit better. And I started to cry, not only from the pain, but also from the frustration. Every time I drank water, I would puke it up. Every time I puked, I would get instantly nauseous again. Ting rubbing my back didn�t make me feel any better, washing my face didn�t make me feel refreshed, eating a tasty apple was painful; I didn�t know what to do. My body stopped functioning. There was no way my body was going to get better on its own. So I called Kira up, half moaning in pain, half sobbing from hopelessness and asked her to drive me to the hospital. I entered the lobby to see a slew of patients in the waiting room. I told the front nurse my symptoms and she offers me a BUCKET. She said �oh, well, do you want a bucket or something? The rest room is back there.� And I shot a glare so condemning and full of disbelief that she immediately asked me to sit down and started asking me for my information. As 2 white, obese nurses escorted me into a room where I could lay down to wait for the doctor, nurse A curiously interjected, �so what happened? Did you get DRUNK?� I said, �no�I mixed it with medicine and have..� I was rudely interrupted by nurse B saying �a little hungover, huh?� with a smile, chuckle and shake of her fat stomach. By that point, I looked at both of them for about 2 seconds, and went off �this is NOT a laughing matter. This isn�t any casual hangover. My body is physically incapable of taking care of myself. Yaddi yada yada.� Next thing I know, I�m high. In response to the pain, my body produced such an ample amount of endorphins that my arms and legs were tingling. Every time I felt pain, I simultaneously felt pleasure. It was quite bizarre and disgusting. After I had been awoken from my non-drug-induced haze, I knew it was time for the nurse to insert something into my arm. I didn�t know what, I just knew I wouldn�t look. So as nurse A was pricking at my left arm with the needle, nurse B casually walked into the room and started chatting with nurse A. �How�s it goin?� �Oh everything�s fine� �well that�s good to hear.� I suddenly felt a burst of liquid land on my arm. She had broken the blood vessel. I fucking shouted, �Can we not have any more distractions from now on please??� Nurse B ignored me as she conveniently relocated her equipment and herself to my non-pricked and fleshy right arm.


9.24.01 - When Breathing Feels So Boring

Trapped in a physical body where deep breaths fail to satisfy and calm me, I feel my heart bulge and organs shake. Confined by hordes of intellects planted on red cuishoned auditorium seats, I float an inch above my seat bubbling up under a weight of patience, concentration and control. Only to stop and think, damn, I�m starting to write like Bush. Did I really need those 3 adjectives to describe the same feeling? Like did Bush really need to say �we will find, capture and defeat [the terrorists]� accenting every single one? Couldn�t he have just said We will Kill them? I guess the majority of the American public needs to know that in order to kill a group of people, we have to find them first. That�s ok. People can�t help it if they�re dumb. After two weeks of boring lectures, tricky and time-consuming problem sets, and superficial conversations that never result in closer friendship, I don�t think I could be more unsatisfied with my efforts. I want to open up my chest, point my head up at the sky and let rainbows shoot out. Or use every possible breath I have in my body at the moment to shout AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-ya, pant and gasp to recover my breath. I would remember and appreciate how important every breath of oxygen, every pant, every gasp, and every sigh was.


8.13.01 - Loveboat Nostalgia

Why i did not bring this on the 9-day trip, i do not know. But as i sit here at 8:30 in the morning with my body edging to wake up while my eyes say "noooo, i need more sleep!" i wonder if this is happening because
a)I've forgotten what a full night's sleep feels like because I've only had the luxury of multiple siestas a day in uncomfortable places on the trip down south,
b)i've forgotten what real sleep is because the deepest and soudest sleep I've experienced were when i was exhausted from dancing and being drunk,
c)my body feels as though there is so much to do in the world, so many people to see, so many relationships to cultivate, that there should be no reason to waste my time sleeping.

Now that all 3 of these conditions have come to a drastic halt in my lifestyle, i don't know if I'm happy or sad. When I arrived last night into JFK at 9:47 pm to see my mommy sitting in her gray London Fog jacket holding 2 umbrellas, the only thing I had to look forward to that night was a hot bowl of congee with dried shredded pork and chinese pickles, alone. There wasn't going to be a mass congregation in the lobby of the minor building or an adventure out to a random night market to eat pot stickers with a toothpick for 20 NT, or Chinese fried chicken with that spicy powder they shake on hoping that when you offer it to someone else, they don't take too big or too many a bite because it's so damn addictive, or hoping that this person doesn't have bronchitis, but knowing deep down that you're gonna get sick no matter what precautions you take because we all live under each other's skin, exchanging bodily membrane fluid stuff in every possible form of casual and friendly contact. As proof that loveboat is now a giant walking virus dispersed into our bodily vessels and transported to all parts of the world, we managed to chase away a few individuals from our section on the plane as we hakced up lungs. And another funny plane occurence: Richard and I boarded the 2nd plane extremely hyper and really loud (after our In-n-out excursion in San Jose) and started theorizing about loveboat relationships -- that is until an Amish fellow, (or was he Yittish? Orthodox?) Orthodox, my bad. He turned around to remind us that he has two "young ones" sitting inf ront of us, to insinuate that maybe our language and content was slightly too PG-13 for them.


7.29.01 - Sometimes I surprise myself

There's something inviting about blank sheets of notebook paper that makes you want to fill them with heart-filled words and anguish and pain.
To fill these inviting and unjudging golden lines with angst and indescribable clouds of episodes so that in a life where repeating shit happens, there still remains a window where beautiful rushes of color, shapes and sizes can burst from a house full of smokey confusion that we all know so well as life.
Because it's drama played out to its fullest, even when life entails being a couch potato, flipping through channels of hope and disppointment, optimism and pessimism, anxiety and confidence of sitting through an 8-course meal, devouring walnut shrimp with 4 strangers who call each other friends so that they can feel better about themselves for a while.
Or frolicking through a midnight typhoon in highwaters and sandals for a rushing encounter with God, only to come home with bruises and cuts from flying tree branches and road signs to provethat you did it.
And how upsetting it is for me to glide through these moments based on highs and lows as bland white thought and boring cliches escape my mouth.
And how i disappoint myself and those around me when life happens to us in the first degree, in its rawest form, and we pass it off as just another one of those lazy days.

How I disappoint myself.

But how i love this feeling -- when i read back on something and feel my heart and insides smile with approval and laugh knowing that she is understood. and how pleased i am to know that while my alcohol-soaked brain has failed to think, my heart has not failed to love or pump blood into the extensions of my body.
that while my head hurts to think of a cunning response, my body manages to brush it off with a mere cute mannerism.
And how refreshing it is to wake up from a 3 hour nap, thinking so clearly that I amaze myself with that insight an dknowledge I thought I had been void of for so long.

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