Daria leaned on the wall inside Junior Five at Cashman’s, wishing she were somewhere else. Brooke, Tori, and Jodie circled her, holding up shirts, blouses, pants, skirts, and other articles of clothing, checking for color and fit, until they were satisfied.
Sandi: Very good. Well?
She looked at Daria, waiting, then pointed to the dressing rooms.
Daria: No.
Daria smirked. Sandi looked furious.
Sandi: What?!
Daria: No. The agreement, which we shook on, and for which we signed a contract, was that I would come with you as a fashion don’t and let the girls taking the fashion club entrance tests hold up clothes and accessories until they decided that the outfits were perfect for my skin and hair. I never said I would try any of it on.
Sandi: Buh... But... You TRAITOR! Like, I don’t ever want you to talk to me AGAIN!
Daria: Gladly.
She smiled serenely and waltzed out of Cashman’s with a bounce in her step, thinking back to how all this started. She headed to the food court to reminice over cheese fries. It was last week, and Helen was in full parenting mode over dinner...
Helen: Quinn, how was school?
Quinn: Oh, it was fine. Sandi said that we may be letting some new girls into the club. Ms. Li was like "If you don’t get some fresh faces into that club, I’ll have to disband you and form a new club that will really bring honor and glory unto Lawndaaaale Hiiiiigh." It was so humiliating, especially for Sandi, because-
Helen: That’s nice Quinn. Daria, how was your day?
Daria: Well, Jane skipped our usual lunch to meet Tom in the park, and my table was taken, so I ended up having to eat lunch with the nerds. They said they’d pay me fifty bucks if I let them see my boobs.
Helen: Oh, Daria...
Daria: I was serious.
Helen: What?!
Daria: Just kidding.
Helen: Daria...
Daria: Okay, okay. Seriously, nothing new happened. The teachers are still psychos, the students still annoy me, and I think Ms. Li is thinking about putting cameras in the locker rooms.
Helen: Well, we’ll just have to take legal action, then.
Daria: Don’t bother. She wouldn’t go through with it because she knows Upchuck can break into the security room, and not even the devil would wish it upon us that Upchuck see those shots and live more than five seconds afterwords.
Helen: Oh. So, how’s Jane?
Daria: She and her boyfriend Tom eat lunch together more and more. The only thing we do regularly now is walk, per my doctor’s request, and have bad movie night, per mine.
Helen: Well, why don’t you consider joining an activity to pass the time?
Daria: Because there isn’t a sit on your ass and watch the days go by club at school.
Helen: How’s this: Join a club or I redecorate your room myself.
Daria: Ouch. Fine. What did you have in mind?
Helen: How about the fencing club?
Daria: Too violent.
Helen: Then what about the hockey club?
Daria: If anything, that’s the violent sport.
Helen: Well, how about the reading club? You can read and be in an activity!
Daria: Because they choose the books. I’ve sat in on a couple of those meetings at times where you encouraged me to join activities. The reading club is basically where the ninth grade girls gather to read horse stories. They choose the literature, and it’s always that fluffy stuff I detest. If I read to them from Byron, they’d probably have heart attacks.
Helen: Hmm. Good point. I know! Quinn, what were you saying about the Fashion Club recruiting new members?
Daria and Quinn: Ohhhh, no you don’t.
Helen: Relax. I don’t want Daria to join it, but what kind of initiation did you have planned?
Quinn: They have to take a person in normal or unfashionable clothes and put an outfit together with accessories and all that looks good based on the hair and skin of the person in ques... Oh! That is a good idea. Sandi will be so jealous that I thought of it first!
Helen: You aren’t taking credit for the idea Quinn. You can tell them that your mother insisted that you use her.
Quinn: Damn.
Daria: Don’t I get a say in this?
Helen: No. You are going to go through with it, and that is final. If you don’t, well, you can say good bye to the padded walls.
Daria: Damn you.
Helen: Watch it, Daria...
Daria: Why?
Helen couldn’t think of a response, so she sighed. Daria went upstairs to phone Jane. She dialed and waited for fifteen rings, then hung up and wrote it all down.
The next day, Daria got a visit from Sandi. She knocked on the door, and Daria answered.
Daria: Quinn isn’t here. Please leave a message at her hotline, 1-800-SHALLOW. Goodbye.
She started to close the door, but Sandi started to talk.
Sandi: Like, Quinn said you’d be here. It’s about the tryouts. She said your mom was making you join an activity, and you were going to be the test person at the tryouts for the club.
Daria: Yes...
Sandi: And I just, like, came over to confirm. Or whatever.
Daria: So you have. Bye, now.
Sandi: Wait. I don’t trust you. Let’s like, draw up a contract.
Daria: I’ll go get the crayons.
Sandi: Ha ha. You have crayons?
Daria: No. It was sarcasm. I’ll use one of my mom’s legal disks, and you can write the contract. C’mon in.
Sandi stepped inside and followed Daria to Helen’s office. Helen was there, working on a contract herself.
Daria: Mom, I need a copy of a contract. Sandi doesn’t trust me, so we’re going to draw it up "legally" and shake on it.
Helen: Here you go.
She gave her the disk, and they went to Daria’s room.
Sandi: This room is so... creepy.
Daria: And thanks to you, it’s going to stay that way.
Sandi: Huh?
Daria: Never mind. Here, it’s all set up.
Sandi typed away, Daria correcting her grammer, much to her shagrin. They printed up two copies, which Daria read and signed, as did Sandi.
Sandi: I suppose we should, like, shake on it, or something.
Daria: Fine.
She held out her hand and Sandi shook it. To Daria’s surprise, Sandi had a wet fish grip, where Daria had expected cool firmness. She raised and eyebrow and showed Sandi to the door.
Sandi: I’ll call you in a few days when we need you.
Daria: Whatever.
Sandi left, and Daria called Jane, who answered her own phone, for once.
Jane: Yo!
Daria: Hey, Jane. You won’t believe this. Mom decided I should join an activity, acting like I had a choice. Then she decides for me that I’m going to be a test dummy for Sandi’s fashion club tryouts.
Jane: At least you don’t have to actually join the club.
Daria: Yeah. Then she says she doesn’t trust me. So she makes me sign this contract.
Jane: What does the contract say?
Daria: I the undersigned do affirm that I will let the fashion club of Lawndale High let their possible new recruits hold up articles of clothing on me to test if they fit and look good with my hair color and skin tone. The outfit will then be judged by the second undersigned.
Jane: Well, there’s a pretty simple loop-hole. You see...
Jane explained her plan.
Daria: Wow. That was quick thinking. Thank-you for that.
Jane: Don’t applaud. Just send Crack.
Daria smirked.
Daria: Later.
Jane: Gotcha.
They hung up, and Daria’s smirk grew even wider as she went downstairs to make herself lunch. This was going to be very interesting...
And now that it was all over, Daria decided to call Jane. Maybe she’d have something interesting to say.
The End.