Soul Searching

by Mistiec
 
 
 

“Something's wrong with Neo.”

I looked up, my eyes narrowing as I gazed at Morpheus.

“What?”

He motioned.  “Take a look.” I did, my eyes roving toward the other side of the room, finally spotting my lover, where he was working side by side with Tank.

It only took me half a second to realize that Morpheus was right. Something was definitely wrong with Neo.  He looked flustered, troubled, and he wasn't paying any attention to what he was doing.  His work was distracted, and on his face was a troubled frown.

I immediately was filled with worry, and after a meaningful glance at Morpheus, immediately put down my tools, and crossed the room, motioning to Tank to leave us.

Tank obeyed immediately, which struck me as slightly odd. Usually he would want to know what was going on. He was like that, he gossiped more than the woman did.

Shaking my head slightly, I cast a quick glance at the new members of the crew that surrounded us and I leaned in, whispering softly into my lover's ear.

“What is it, Neo?”

He stiffened, his eyes meeting mine for a half a second and then tearing themselves away. Gazing at him thoughtfully, I could feel my eyebrow furrow.  He was angry, but honestly I didn't know what I could have done that would anger him.

The knowledge that he was the One hadn't changed him, much. If anything, it made him stronger, more self confident, but still the same man I fell in love with.  I knew that he felt uncomfortable that the new members of the crew treated him with such awe, but he had gone out of his way to prove that he was one of them. He had never gotten angry, never shown the least bit of instability since he had awakened.

So what was wrong now?

I crossed my arms, leaning against the steel rail as I watched him pretend to ignore me.

“Are you going to talk to me?”  I asked bluntly, aware that he was probably not going to say a word. I was right, he didn't. When he glanced at me, again I was stuck by the look in his eyes.  He looked almost wounded.

Immediate concern filled me.  “Neo, can you talk to me, please?” I asked, again. “Tell me what's wrong.”

He stopped working, merely stared at the space he was fixing, and took a breath.  “Why don't you talk to Morpheus? He'll probably listen.”

I stiffened. The tone of that sentence, the anger and confusion that came with it, could only mean one thing.

He knew.

Immediately my eyes flew across the room, stopping on Morpheus’ form.

He knew.

I closed my eyes, feeling the panic flow into my heart, forcing myself to calm down. I had known he would find out sooner or later. The only reason I hadn't told him yet was because I  wasn't sure how he would take it.  Now I would have to explain. I  would have to explain everything, and I wasn't sure if he would understand.

I swallowed, nodding and sighing, resignation filling me as I quickly grabbed his hand.

“Come on.”

He looked up when I started to pull. “What are you-”

“Come on, Neo. We need to talk about this.” My voice was firm, steady, and not open for argument as I pulled him along, not stopping until we reached the quarters we shared.

When we arrived, I closed the door behind us, aware that we were probably not going to leave this room for a while.  Leaning back against it, I regarded the man I had pledged my life and love to with unreadable eyes.  I could still see the uncertainty in his own, and for a second, I felt like I was looking at the Neo of before.   He was so unsure, and I felt suddenly guilty, aware that only I and one other person could make him feel this way. In this situation, he was directly involved.  It was hard for me, knowing that the two responsible for creating and saving the one who would save the world had the power to hurt him like this.

But we had no idea then... I had no idea...

“Who told you?”

His voice was husky as he rubbed at his neck, trying not to look at me. “Tank... it uh... it slipped out.” He let out a grim chuckle.  “He thought I knew.”  His eyes met mine in earnest.  “Am I the only one who didn't know?”

My face was passive when I answered, “Probably.  It's common knowledge among the rebellion that Morpheus and I had a very close relationship.” Seeing his wince, I let my breath out. “Neo, Morpheus and I stopped sleeping together a very long
time ago.”

“But you were lovers.”  The words were almost spitted out.  “You and him.. you ... you *knew* each other, and-”

“And like I said, we stopped that years ago.”

“But it happened,” Neo pressed, looking up at me, his eyes soft and clouded.  “It happened, and neither of you told me about it.”

I closed my eyes, unsure how to explain myself.  “We didn't tell you, because it didn't matter, Neo. It didn't affect your relationship with him, or with me.  It shouldn't-”

“So I’m not supposed to care?” There was very real emotion behind his claim and I went quiet, moving over and sitting next to him on the bed.

“Are you jealous, Neo?” The question came out abrupt, like a statement, not a query, and when he swallowed, and looked away, I knew that it was the truth.

It never occurred to me that Neo could get jealous. Inside of me, I never thought that he had that emotion in him.  Our relationship was beyond that. He was Neo; it was impossible that I could ever love anyone else.

But I keep forgetting that, despite the fact that he is destined to save the world, Neo is still a man.

“Are you angry?” The second question came out softer, and he looked up, as if he suddenly realized who it was he was talking to. I was his lover, his friend, his partner. I was his anchor, had been for so long, and he knew it.

“No,” he admitted finally.  “I always knew you two were close... it's just... I didn't realize how close.”

I felt an involuntary smile float on my face at his innocence, and without thinking, my hand covered his, drawing it to my lap.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you. It makes you uncomfortable.”

He nodded, turning to look at me, “Trinity, it's *Morpheus*, I mean, the two you have this deep relationship, this... bond that you once told me meant more to you than anything... how can I compete with that, with a guy like Morpheus?”

I shook my head, feeling a swell of unwanted amusement. I couldn't help it, the statement sounded so ridiculous to me. Neo was my true love, there was no one else when he was around.  Why didn't he understand that?

”Morpheus has nothing to do with us, Neo.” I said after a moment.  “He and I are close, admittedly, but we are friends, very close friends, we've been through a lot together, but YOU.” I caressed his cheek once.  “You are a part of me.”

His chocolate eyes searched mine, and he sighed.  “I’m sorry, Trin, I just... I don't know how -”

“You don't get it, do you?”

He shook his head.  I nodded, aware now of what I had to do.  The oracle had imprinted in me my destiny, I was to be an anchor for Neo. I was to be his pillar of support. I wasn't supposed to fill him with such confusion, such insecurity. I was supposed to be the one stability, the one hope he had when all else failed him.

And I knew I had to make him understand, and there was only one way to do it.

“I need to explain something, Neo,” I said softly, my fingers threading through his, squeezing gently. “But before I do, I need you to remember that I love you.  I’m with you, until the end, and nothing past, present or future, is going to change that.”

He nodded, closing his eyes, before opening them and studying me. “What are you going to explain?”

“How I was freed.”

His eyes were dark, questioning, and I took a breath, seated myself down next to him, and began my story.

"You know that when you were freed, everyone figured that you'd react badly because of your age," He nodded, and I smiled, sighing sadly. "We were all released when we were punk kids; teenagers who didn't know what the hell we wanted. The only thing we did know, was that we weren't happy.  We wanted more; there had to be more, because we were all searching for something, desperately, and I was the same way."

"My life was unstable at best. I was rebellious as a kid, my parents didn't know how to handle me. My only real solace was the computers. I loved the solace, the mystery, the solitude of being able to pirate the net. I loved the fact that I could keep people guessing. I guess that's where the name Trinity came from: no one knew what I was, who I was, all they knew was that maybe, I was a girl, and that I was a damn good hacker.

I began hacking as a way to find order in my world. I felt confined, unsatisfied. I had this beating in my heart that there was something more. And there was, it was never a question, I knew that there was.

And that's when I began to get hard-core. I was a teenager when I hacked into the CIA main frame, and that was when Morpheus first became known to me. "  Neo flinched then, but I said nothing, did nothing, only continued.

"My whole life, my entire being, became obsessed with finding him, with finding Morpheus, it became more than just a goal. I was driven, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't eat, the only thing I could do was search for him. Because I began to get scared, I was scared of everything. I was scared because I didn't know what I was looking for, and all my hopes, and my dreams, and my fears, they all were formed into one man, into Morpheus.

Nothing prepared me for the day when I finally met him. I was in a club, in my corner, sitting by myself, when I looked up, and I spotted him. And at the moment, I knew, I knew that I had found him. My search was over.

At first I couldn't do anything but stare at him. He had those damn shades on, I couldn't see his eyes, all I saw was Morpheus, the personification of everything I had lived for, and then I realized it was now or never. He had been watching me, waiting to see if I would come to him, and I did.

I gathered my strength, stood up, and walked to him.

"You're Morpheus."

He only looked at me, and then he nodded, only  a fraction of a nod, barely even regarding me.

"I've been looking for you." I said, barely able to breathe.

And then he smiled, that glinty smile, and he shook his head. "No," he spoke, and I felt myself shiver.  "You've haven't been looking for me."

I was stunned for a second, and when I opened my mouth to retort, he spoke again. "Not me, Trinity, you've been looking for the truth, you've been obsessed with the Truth, you want to find what IT is."

I sat down, my knees had gone weak. "The Matrix," I said breathlessly.

He was quiet, looking at me, and smiling once, widely, nodding, as if pleased. "I wasn't sure if you were ready, Trinity, but I believe you are. I think that you've been ready for a long time."  He cocked his head to the side, studying me. "But you're scared, aren't you?"

I was quaking in my boots, but I couldn't admit that, not to him, not to Morpheus.  "No," I said, a trifle too quickly, my voice getting shaky. My face hardened, trying to contain my fear, but he only smiled wider.

"Do you want the truth, Trinity?"  I nodded, breathless.

And suddenly he rose,  and all around  me were people in black, in shades, surrounding me, taking me away.  "

I colored, not looking at Neo then, lost in my own thoughts.

"When I look back on it, sometimes I think it's been centuries, other times I think it's been seconds, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that the next thing I knew, I was sitting across from  him, popping a red pill into my mouth, my fear the only thing that I was aware of, my only stability, was my obsession with Morpheus. "

I looked  up at Neo, my eyes clouding. "You know what happened next, Neo, it happened to you."

And he swallowed and nodded, remembering, remembering the panic, the gel that you awoke saturated in, the pulsing beat of your heart, the feeling of chaos, of misunderstanding, the weakness of your limbs, and the incredible bewilderness and fear that fills as you are swept away from everything you knew, only to find that you have no strength, are only a shell of what you are, of what you thought you were.

"Morpheus never left my side then, he hardly slept, he hardly ate while I was recovering, he took care of everything himself. He saw something in me he never saw in the others. He felt a kinship. He told me later, he felt that we had kindred souls, we had the same passion. And I still worshiped him, practically. In my fear, he was the one person that I would trust."

"I'm sorry," I told Neo, as I could see he was getting very uncomfortable, "But you need to know this, Neo, you need to know this so you can understand."

"The only thing I can understand is that you and Morpheus are some sort of soul mates," he retorted. And I smiled sadly, shaking my head.

"Then you don't understand."  And I continued.

The day I was well enough, I finally learned the truth, and I reacted much like you did. I wasn't scared of jacking in, I was scared of what I had gotten myself into, of the fear, the death that was all around me, in the Matrix. I could control my programs, and I couldn't do that here, out in the Real World. I knew nothing, I was nothing, and everything I thought I knew, well, everyone knew out here. I wasn't Trinity anymore," I said softly.  "I was nothing. My fear, it was the only emotion in me."

I could tell I had moved Neo, because he sensed something in my voice that he hadn't ever heard before; the fear, the fear that had went away when I had loved him, and his hand closed over mind briefly, squeezing, before it retreated back into the crook of his arm, and he realized what he was hearing, why he was hearing it, and he sat back, waiting.

"That night, I was in bed, and I was shaking, and Morpheus came in. My eyes were unseeing, my brain whirling, I could barely think, and he grabbed me, shook me, and then he just held me.  It was the way he held me that finally got through to me, because in his arms I had experienced the fleeting emotion that I clung to. It was safety, not complete,  but my fear was diminished slightly, I became rational, and I became a little more of who I was now, and when he held me, he began to let go, because I was getting myself back together, and then I felt that fear.  And so I panicked, I grabbed him, and I kissed him.

At first, he was too stunned to do anything, but freeze, and then he began to kiss me back, for just a second, and right after that, he pushed me away. I had stunned him, and he didn't want that from me. He knew, Neo, he knew what I viewed him as, he  knew, and so he pushed me away. He didn't want that.

At first I was hurt, ashamed, but I was just a kid, Neo. I didn't know what the hell to do, or how to deal, so I just went along with it, I still saw him as this Savior, and no matter what he did, it didn't change, until one day, a couple years later, when I went into the Matrix."

Neo's eyes looked darker then, because he remembered his first venture, the one that resulted in more than half of our crew killed, the one that resulted in my admitting my faith him in him, and Morpheus' sacrifice, and by the tone in my voice, I knew that he knew my first venture was nothing different.

"I felt different Neo, I was unbelieving, the Matrix, the place where I had once defined myself where I could find order, it wasn't there anymore, even when Morpheus was beside me. I felt it, I felt the panic, and the Agents saw it, they saw it in my eyes."

I looked down, shame coloring my cheeks. "I was separated from the group, from Morpheus. I ran from the agents, but I almost died, the only thing that saved me was in my attempt to jump a rooftop. I landed instead in the window, a few feet below. It threw them off, they couldn't find me, and I was able to get to the exit."

I bit my lip, turning away from Neo as I related the part of the tale I knew would confuse him the most. "I was broken then, Neo, but when I was unplugged, I finally knew who I was. I had finally gotten my identity. I came into my own, a piece of me, the fear, a piece of myself, chipped away then, and when I looked around, on that ship, Morpheus was gone. Something told me I had to look for him, that I had to find him, and so I did. I looked, and I found him, in my room.

He was sitting on my bed, just staring at the wall, and, me, I was only eighteen. I could only stare at him, and wonder, and when he turned around, when he looked at me, it shocked me, because suddenly, he looked human. He looked human, Neo, not this semi dietic person. Not the God I had made him to be. He was vulnerable, and the thought, it filled with such sadness because I saw fear in his eyes; real, raw fear and guilt. I went up to him slowly, sitting next to him on my bed, my eyes searching his, waiting for him to speak. He didn't, not for a long time. He just trembled, and then he finally spoke.

"I thought I had almost killed you in there. I left you alone, to save the group. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I did."

"Morpheus, why? You shouldn't be, I made it, I survived."

"You did." He was almost proud as he spoke, not looking at me, before turning to me, he said, ever so softly, "But you matter so much Trinity, to me. I know you shouldn't. I know I should treat you like everyone else, but you're not, you're different to me, you... I don't know. The thought that you almost die, that I left you there to die-"

And I hugged him. I hugged him fiercely, because for once I wasn't scared. I wasn't the one reaching for comfort, I was trying to comfort him. You should know, Neo. You should know how pressure can build, how people around you expect you to become some sort of god-like man, not human, not vulnerable, and I saw it, Neo, just like I see it in you, I saw it in him, and before I knew it he was kissing me, and I was kissing back, and he was crying Neo. Morpheus, our strong Morpheus, was crying."

I was still then, my eyes clear as I looked up at Neo, who was standing, frozen at my story. He began to twitch his fingers then, cocking his head as he swallowed, knowing what came next, "You didn't stop at kissing, did you?"

I shook my head. "No. Neo, that night, it was about comfort, because I finally understood him. He... he became human to me, he was no longer MORPHEUS, my hero; he was Morpheus, my friend,  my best friend.   And we needed each other then, we needed that, he needed to be comforted, and I... I needed to know him as a man."

I paused, letting my words sink in, before taking a breath and continuing. "When we woke up the next day, something had changed in how we saw each other, we were now equals, we were past friends Neo, but we weren't lovers.  We were something else, we were a part of each other.  And we have been ever since.   Don't you see, Neo?" I whispered, leaning forward, "I was looking for something, and I had found it, but only part of it, what really fulfilled me, the day when I truly knew
I had found what I needed, was the  day I realized I loved you.  Morpheus will always be closer than a friend to me. He is my friend, he is my mentor and yes, for one night, we were lovers, but never since, because what I needed from him, I had already.  Understand Neo, that you are my lover, in every way, the other half of my soul. It doesn't matter what I have with Morpheus, because I know what I have with you, and so do you.  And what I need from you." I trailed off, looking away, before steadying
my voice and continuing, "is to understand that it's insane to be jealous of something like that, of a friendship like Morpheus's. "

Neo gazed at me, those beautiful tortured dark eyes just staring into my soul, and he rose, squeezing my hand. "Thank you for sharing that with me." His words were husky, but unsteady, "But I still need to think, can I have time to think, Trinity?"

And I only smiled, and nodded, letting go of his hand and curling my legs up as I watched him leave, my thoughts flying through my head.

Who I was now, the rock that I had become, the reason that Neo depended on me, loved me, a lot of that had to do with the way Morpheus had loved me, I knew that Neo had my heart, and most of my soul, but Morpheus and I, we were two halves of a whole.

Leaning my forehead against my arms, I let out my breath, sighing. I knew that Neo needed me, I just hoped, that he would find a way to deal with this.  I loved him utterly and completely, and he had to understand that he had taken away my fear, the fear that not even Morpheus could still, and nothing could compare to the tenderness I felt under his touch.

I was calm as I waited, going about my duties the next day, communicating through Tank to Morpheus that I needed time to be alone, and he understood.

It was late when the door opened and Neo stepped in, closing it behind him as he looked at me. I sat up, my shirt slipping off my shoulder. I pushed it back up when I saw Neo's eyes rest on it, and I waited for  his answer.

He was quiet, leaning against the door, preparing his words for me.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.  "I know, that I had no right to act the way I did." I said nothing, I only listened.  "It happened years ago, I know. But, damn Trinity,  I'm the One, and in the Matrix, I can do things no one can fathom." He chuckled grimly, looking up at the ceiling, before looking back at me. "But in here, in here, Trinity, I'm just me. I'm just a skinny guy, the new guy. I'm just Neo, and it's you that makes me feels special. You are my reason for living out here, Trin. You keep me sane, and I love you."

He swallowed, staring at me, his eyes darker as they got moist.  "It scared me, it scared me to know that what I have with you, what I share with you, you might have had with Morpheus, cause out here, he IS the same Morpheus. He doesn't change, not like I do.  But as I watched you today I knew, I knew how much you matter, and Trin, I'm sorry. 'Cause I know you love me, you wouldn't have explained if you didn't, and I'm glad you told me, because it makes me love you more, because now," He grinned unsteadily, "I understand you, and you are so amazing Trinity." And he stood, not knowing what I would do, I could see the uncertainty in his eyes, wondering how I would react, what I would say.

I stared at him, my face unreadable, as I just looked at him. I wasn't surprised. I knew he would figure it out, after all, he was Neo, but it was then that I realized exactly why I loved him.  He was so gentle, so unassuming, so smart and sometimes, such
a ditz.

And I loved him for it. I sighed, and motioned with my hands, and he gave a relieved grin, and slid into my arms, holding me tightly, his head cradled on my chest. I held him close, my lips on his hair,  and we didn't move, not for a long time.

I realized something then, I realized my search, whatever it was that I was looking for, it was over. I had found it, in my soul, what was missing, it was complete.  It had started in me, filled slightly by Morpheus, but the rest, the chasm that was left, that was in Neo.

"Shit Neo." I chuckled, looking at him in the eyes. "What the hell am I going to do with you?"

And he grinned, hugging me tighter. "Marry me."

I said nothing then, of course I knew I would. It was never a question. I just kissed him, tenderly and sweetly. There was time, it had taken decades for my search to end. We had more time.

There was always time.
 
 

Fin