NOTE: I don't really like titles, so the title link that led you here really doesn't mean much.

My Reasons

by Centaur
 
 
 

I always made a point of never really needing anybody. Long before I was unplugged, I learned that the only way to
make sure anything was done right was to do it myself. Even when I was a kid, I was on my own... My father was an
alcoholic who beat my mother pretty much every night until he eventually killed her. Then he ran, and left me behind.
That was when I was nine. I lived with my aunt for a while, but she never really gave a shit about me. She only took me
in because my mom's will said she had to. I hated her house and I hated her, so I spent as much time out as I could. I
signed up for an after-school class on computer programming when I was fourteen. It took me no time at all to figure
that out. Computers... they just made sense to me. Before long, I could hack my way into--or out of--anything. And when
I learned about the matrix... I knew it was real. It was in the computer, so it was real. I knew that even though I didn't
know what the hell it was. That was when I really stopped giving a shit about anything at all. I moved out of my aunt's
house and kept a shitty day-job so I could focus on the matrix. I had a live-in, once--the last person I ever made the
mistake of trusting. I didn't even really like him, but he paid the rent. Then he kicked me out. So yeah, the idea of
depending on anyone for anything had really become anathema--I always had to be able to get along alone. After all,
the only person who would always be there for me was me. Nobody else gets credit or blame. It's all me.

When I was unplugged, that changed a little. I still refused to depend on anybody, but I started to understand what
trust really was. The first few times they tried to send me into the matrix, I refused because I didn't know for sure that
they would pull me back out. To leave my helpless body in the hands of people I didn't know--like hell. Now that I had my
mind in my real body, there was no way I was letting it out again. Any help I could give the resistance I could give them
from the real world. Tank and Dozer hated me within a few days because I was such a bitch about it. I know I was. But I
didn't care. The fact that they hated me made me even less willing to jack in. If they decided they didn't want to let me
out, then I didn't come out. So I wouldn't go in.

It was Morpheus who first forced me to loosen up a little. I don't even remember what he told me--I swear to God, that
man could convince a duck to bark like a dog if ducks existed anymore. And that's how it started. Tank and Dozer decided
I wasn't so bad once they understood my problems. I was nervous, I told them. They were ok with that. But still, when I
was in and fighting, I was no altruistic sop. If it came down to me or them, it was me. Eventually, I was willing to take
risks for the missions, but I was still very aware that it was my ass on the line and that I wasn't going to risk it to save
anybody else's. I became pretty attached to Morpheus, Tank, and Dozer and eventually to Switch, Mouse, Apoc, and,
unfortunately, to Cypher when they all joined up. But I didn't trust any of them completely. I would never, ever make that
mistake again. I didn't need any of them. I liked having them around, sure, but if something happened to them, I'd be
sad for a while and move on. It was nothing against them personally; I just couldn't take that kind of risk again. It was
my life. Mine. And I was not parting with it for anything or anybody. Period.

And then there was Neo.

When the Oracle told me I would fall in love with the One, I was insulted as hell. To fall in love... that was the ultimate
weakness. The ultimate dependency. Like hell I was going to let it happen to me. But then I saw Neo on the net--and I
just started watching him. An innocent fascination, I thought. After all, Morpheus said he was important. But that time
when I went in to warn him, and I stood with my body pressed against his in that crowded basement, and I could smell
him. With every breath I took, his scent seeped into my lungs and a burned an ever-increasing hole somewhere near
where my stomach should be. It hurt. The hole followed me back into the real world. I saw what was happening, and I
remembered the Oracle. And I knew. But I would be damned if I was going to let this "love" bullshit get the best of me.
Nobody would know anything. If I ignored it for long enough, the hole would close. And that's what I did--or tried to do. I
shoved the void way down to the pit of my stomach and tried as hard as I could to pretend it wasn't there. But it just got
bigger and bigger the better I got to know him, and I knew that Neo was the only thing in the world that could fill it. All
that meant to me, though, was that it would have to stay empty, because I wasn't going to do that. I wasn't going to
need anybody else, not even him. Not even him.

After that fateful moment in the subway, I knew what had to happen. He didn't believe. He didn't believe because he
didn't know what I knew. But I had worked so hard... I couldn't give in. The decision weighed on me. I thought about
everything that had happened over the previous few hours, from the moment he announced that he was going in after
Morpheus, to the time he dodged the bullets, to the sight of him determinedly gripping the rope that saved my life when
I had to leap from that dying helicopter...my lifeline... When he pulled me up, I had suppressed my urge to hug him. I had
put my life in his hands, I realized, and he had protected it. He had saved me. But then, I heard him try to tell Morpheus
what he had already told me: that he wasn't the one. As we headed off towards the exit, I turned everything over in my
mind, but nothing made sense. It had seemed, then, that our fates contradicted each other, if the Oracle was right about
me. In a momentary lapse of reason, I began to ask him what he thought. Fortunately, the rush of a passing train
snapped me back to my senses before I could make that mistake. I had walked past him and picked up the phone before
he could stop me. I remembered the last thing I saw before I woke up: an agent's bullet racing straight at my head. I
couldn't think--couldn't move--and woke up in the real world. I had been able to see in Neo's eyes that he still didn't
believe, and I knew I had to tell him. I had to. But that would be the end of the Trinity I had worked so hard to
maintain--the one that really didn't give a shit. If I confessed now, there was no turning back. That was a bond, a
dependency, that I was stuck with. So I stood there, watching him get the shit beat out of him by a machine. And I still
couldn't say it. And then I watched him get shot by a machine. Killed by a machine. And I watched him as he coughed and
died. I watched the monitors go flat-line. I snapped.

It was like an out-of-body experience. All of the sudden, my consciousness and everything that went with it--my fear, my
past, and even my pride--stepped out of me. It was like I was hovering in the air watching myself as I poured my heart
out to his lifeless body.

"Neo, I'm not afraid anymore..." It wasn't true. I was afraid. God, was I afraid. But it wasn't the same fear I'd had before.
I used to be afraid for myself. I wasn't about to turn into some kind of damsel-in-distress who needed the love of Prince
Charming to survive. But I realized then that I wasn't the one needing help. He was. And he needed me. The only fear I
had now was that he was gone, he was gone and it was all my fault for not stopping him. My fear was that I was too
late.

I was still watching myself. I watched myself tell him about the Oracle, about the prophecy... about how I was destined
to fall in love with the One, and about how I was in love with him. I could feel the hole swelling inside of me, expanding
until I felt like an empty cavity enclosed by nothing but my skin. I watched myself kiss him. Everything felt muted, like it
wasn't really happening. I watched myself as I tried to purge myself of the void, to push it out through my lips to his and
let it revive him. I watched myself gasp when he took a breath, and then suddenly command him to get up. I watched
myself call him back from the matrix, screaming for him to get the phone. As the EMP surged, I watched as I threw myself
over him, shielding his prone body with my own. I watched myself smile and go teary-eyed as he woke up and looked at
me... I watched myself stroke his cheek. The void was stretching and it hurt, it hurt so much for want of him.

Then he kissed me. And as his lips touched mine, I rushed back into myself. I was living again, not just watching. I didn't
want to miss this. Everything that had been muted raged back to normal sensation. His lips burned mine, and the void
that had been burned out by his scent was now filled with his taste. I needed this. I needed him. Like nothing before, I
needed him.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. It could have been a few minutes or a few days, I don't know. I lost myself in
him. I had never, ever felt so... whole. The void was gone and I felt full--crushingly, blindingly complete. This was the first
time I had kissed a man outside of the matrix, with my real lips. It was only then that I realized just how shallow and
muted every sensation was within the matrix. It made sense, really--the machines know nothing of touch or taste or
emotion. But now, it was hitting me full-force. It stung beautifully.

The euphoria was temporary. Reluctantly, I pulled away. Neo would need immediate medical attention, and I knew it. I
reached down and unplugged him, and then offered a supporting shoulder as he slowly stood up. Within seconds,
Morpheus, who had obligingly stayed away until this point, was there to support Neo from the other side. Tank followed
closely behind, though his own injuries prevented him from helping us. Nobody said a word as we walked, but my mind
was racing at a million miles a minute. The fear started to trickle back. The old fear. The fear of dependency, the fear of
attachment and need. As soon as I realized what had happened, the trickle turned into a flood. By the time we had
brought Neo to the remains of the medic quarters, I was feeling it with the same full force that I had before. With it, the
void came back. Not so all-encompassing as it had been just a few minutes earlier, but more the small pit-of-the-stomach
void characteristic of my earliest encounter with Neo. The fear took over. How could I have been so ridiculously stupid?
To confess my love to him... shit. Now I'm going to become attached to him, and if ever anything happened, I'd be fucked.
I can't do this now. I can't.

I helped lay Neo down on the table in Medical. Morpheus found a syringe full of some kind of general anaesthetic among
the ruin, so we were able to put Neo out for a while. The two of us set about fixing him up temporarily so his pain would
be minimal until we could get him to a more permanent medical facility. Tank was online with Zion as we worked, sending
for the nearest well-equipped ship in the quadrant. Neo began to wake just as Morpheus and I were cleaning ourselves
up. I walked over to him and rested my fingers lightly on his forehead.

"Rest, Neo." He closed his eyes obligingly. I left.

Within hours, a nearby ship had picked us up and brought us to Zion. We were installed in military headquarters. It was
a building made of the same old, pre-A.I. metal that was used to make the ships, if building is even the right word to
describe it... more like a network of cells joined by suspended, enclosed tunnels. Any single part of it could have been
mistaken for part of the Neb from the inside, but of course, the network as a whole was infinitely larger. What was left of
our crew was assigned to one cell containing four small sleeping quarters. These were identical to what we had on the
Neb--only the warmer temperature and slightly unusual scent of the air reminded me that I was not on the ship when I
woke up each morning. Neo was assigned to a bed in the hospital quarters. The medics there were amazed that anyone
could survive wounds like those Neo had suffered. We didn't tell them about him, he wasn't ready yet. Instead we went
along with them, pretended to share their amazement. So as he spent most of the next few weeks asleep in recovery,
Morpheus and I devoted our time to figuring out what to do next. The Neb was totalled, we didn't need a mechanic's
notice to tell us that. There was a new ship being built that we could probably have when it was completed, but that
would take another several weeks or months. I spent as much time as possible working on it and supervising those
responsible for its construction. Morpheus dealt with the usual bureaucracy and paperwork that came with any kind of
confrontation like ours.

I did not visit Neo for the duration of his bed rest. I tried so hard to make everything work the way it had before. I had to
be the same Trinity--strong, a little stoic, and, above all, absolutely independent. I couldn't let this minor brush with Neo
break me, make me appear weaker than I was. When he was well enough to get up and help with the most basic tasks,
I behaved no differently around him than I had before. He was my friend and fellow soldier, but nothing more. Nobody
could know what had passed between us. I could tell that I hurt him every time I rejected his advances... it nearly killed
me to watch him turn away his brown eyes as I shrugged his hand off my shoulder, time and time again. The void was
growing again. It hurt again. I felt like I was going to cave in on myself, but I had to stay strong, I couldn't give in. I
couldn't.

It wasn't long before I stopped sleeping. The void was pushing out from deep inside me, stretching me. It squeezed at
my heart and prodded at my stomach. I would lie on my cot night after night, tossing and turning under my blankets
trying to force myself to ignore it. No such luck. Neo had been moved to the room next to mine, so only a thin metal wall
separated our two beds. I could hear him. He didn't sleep either. There were so many times when I wanted to go to him,
to give up and run to his side and hold him. I knew that was what we both needed. But I fought it, clinging to the notion
that if I ignored my pain long enough it would go away. I could get over him. In the matrix he was the One, but in the
real world, he was just a man like any other.

I'm not sure how many nights I lay awake listening to him toss and turn. I would lie there facing the wall, watching it
vibrate lightly every time he struck it with an arm or a leg as he rolled over. Then one night, all of the sudden, it stopped.
I assumed he had finally fallen asleep, but I would be granted no such reprieve. I continued to lie restlessly, watching
the wall, waiting for something to happen. Suddenly, somebody unlatched my door from the outside, catching me
off-guard. I rolled over quickly and propped myself up on my elbow to face my mystery visitor. It was Neo, wrapped in the
warm blanket from his bunk.

"I could hear you moving around in here, so I figured you couldn't sleep either," he said.

I nodded. I sat up and arranged myself at one end of the bed, motioning for him to sit down at the other. He took care to
leave plenty of space between us. His knees were pulled up in front of him, and he encircled them with his blanket-a
formless, fuzzy beige cocoon with Neo's head protruding from the top. He reminded me of Mouse, sitting like that. Mouse
always curled up with his blanket draped over his knees. The sudden pang I felt in my stomach surprised me-- Mouse...
He was so young... The pain I felt remembering all of my dead friends still unnerved me. I guess they had meant more to
me than I thought. This, in itself, was reason for me to want to keep away from Neo. If I was hurting like this over people
I merely thought of as friends, what would happen if I were to lose a... a... I glanced up at him. The word 'lover' had
come to mind, and I didn't like it. Suddenly, I really wanted him to leave, but my curiosity over why he had come got the
best of me. For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. Then, finally, he inhaled sharply.

"I keep thinking of that day when you were taking me to see the Oracle. We talked about how none of my life was real,
and I asked you what that meant. You... you told me that the matrix could not tell me who I am. I understand that, now.
But then, that last few minutes in the Neb, you told me who I was. You made me realize who I really am." He paused for
a few seconds. "What does that mean?"

I smiled in spite of myself, recalling those two fateful incidents. "I don't know," I replied truthfully, "but really, I didn't tell
you who you were. I told you--" My words caught in my throat. Neo looked up at me questioningly when I didn't finish. I
could tell he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure if it was a good idea.

"What?" I prodded him.

"I don't understand why you always do that. You cut off your sentences before you finish them, like you're afraid of what
you want to say." He gathered momentum. "You need to say what needs to be said! You can't live your entire life
swallowing your emotions because you're afraid of what might happen!" His tone shocked me. It bordered on despair.
"What's the point of being free if--"

"FINE!" I interrupted him. I didn't appreciate being pushed the way he wanted to push me. "I understand where you're
going with this, Neo. But you need to understand something. None of us can afford to become too attached to each
other. We need to be able to sacrifice each other if we have to, and we have to be able to recover from the loss. We
need to be able to leave each other if one of us is in a situation that has gotten out of control. We are soldiers first and
people second, and--"

"ARE WE? Is that what we are? What about Morpheus? He was beyond saving but we, you and me, we decided to fuck
that and go after him anyways. And we won, Trin, we WON! How is that different?"

My thoughts and emotions buzzed around in my head like so many swarms of gnats. A single one became coherent:
'Shit, Neo, you still don't get it, do you? WE didn't go in after Morpheus, Neo. YOU went in after Morpheus. I went in after
YOU.' It was true, but I wasn't about to tell him that. Instead, I gave him an answer that was not so much incorrect as it
was incomplete:

"Neo--in retrospect, we had no right to risk ourselves like that. Especially not you. Of course I'm glad we did, but we're
soldiers, Neo. We have to be able to sacrifice each other in the line of duty."

"That's the second time you've said that. And yes, we are soldiers. We are the most elite, most important soldiers that
this planet has ever seen. But what are we fighting for, Trin? We're fighting for freedom in every possible sense. We're
fighting so that every single person can have what we have. What's the point in being free if fear still controls all our
needs and impulses, Trinity? What's the point?"

I couldn't respond. His insinuation of fear infuriated me, probably because it hit a little too close to home. At the same
time, his words made so much sense... But they just couldn't work. They couldn't.

"So what was it you were saying before? You didn't tell me who I was, but you told me... What?" His persistence
frustrated me, but all of the sudden, something inside me cracked. The void was pushing so hard that it broke
something. Fuck it all.

"I told you..." His eyes caught mine, and once again, my voice caught in my throat. I swallowed hard and started over,
pointedly avoiding his gaze. "I didn't tell you who you were. I told you... who I... who I was. Nobody could tell you that
you were the One, Neo. You had to learn that for yourself. Me, I told you who I was, what I felt, the truth. And that's
what you needed to hear to figure out for yourself who you were." There, it was said. "It can't work, Neo!" I pulled my
knees up to my chest and crossed my arms over them, burying my head in my hands. The void and the fear were fighting
each other in my head and my heart and my gut, and for a moment I felt nauseous with confusion.

Nobody spoke for several minutes. I didn't look up and I didn't look at him. Eventually, I felt the bed move as he stood up
to leave. I was relieved. He had wanted a confession, it appeared to me. And I gave it to him. He just couldn't
understand, though... he couldn't... The door clicked shut behind him, and I shattered. I began to sob hopelessly into my
arms, curled up like an infant in an effort to make the hurt stop. I was so absorbed in my own misery that I didn't hear
the door open again or the footsteps moving toward me. I was caught completely off guard by the two strong hands
that took a sudden, firm hold on the sides of my head and forced me to look up. It was Neo.

I grabbed on to his wrists and attempted in vain to free myself from his grip. I should have been able to do it--his
muscles were still weak from both his relatively recent unplugging and his long period of inertia while he recovered
from... dying. But my psychological weakness translated to physical, and I couldn't budge him. His brown eyes locked into
mine. His thumb gently stroked my cheek, blotchy and puffy from crying. I noticed, with no small amount of
embarrassment, that I was shivering uncontrollably. I was so ashamed--I hadn't cried since my father left. And now, here
I was, bawling like a baby and trying desperately, though unsuccessfully, to hide it.

"Trinity... Trin... What's the point of living in the real world if you're afraid to experience life at all?"

He wasn't expecting an answer. He just gazed intently into my eyes, and the void rose into my throat. I thought I would
explode.

Tears continued to trickle out of the corners of my eyes. "Neo, please, you don't--" I implored him. But before I could
finish my sentence, his lips covered mine. I was so taken aback that for a moment I forgot to kiss back and I sat there
like a statue, unresponsive with my hands still clutching his wrists. He pulled back and looked at me entreatingly,
momentarily convinced that I truly did not love him. His grip on my head loosened, but I didn't move and I didn't let go of
his wrists. I was in shock. For that moment that we kissed, I felt the void recede. And all of the sudden, I realized that I
did need him. I needed him, and that was ok because he needed me too. He wouldn't leave me, I could trust him. I could
trust him. It was a true epiphany. As the wave of truth washed over me, I let my hands slip off his wrists. He moved as if
to step back, heartbroken. He thought I was rejecting him. But before he could leave, I seized his head in the way he
had held mine. I held him there for a moment, just looking at him, marvelling at him. My shivering subsided. I could trust
him. I felt my eyes well up again, but this time, for an entirely different reason. A single tear leaked out of the corner of
my eye and fell down my cheek, and the answering look of concern that suddenly appeared on his face threatened to
melt me.

"It's ok, Trin, it's ok," he whispered so low I could barely hear him. He wiped my tear from my chin. "I love you, Trinit-" I
pressed my lips against his before he could finish, before my reason could take over again. It was a desperate kiss,
perhaps a little harder than I had meant it to be, but he didn't forget to kiss back, suddenly as desperate as I was. My
impulsive release of everything that I had been suppressing for weeks on end gave a pointed intensity to my emotion,
but his fervour matched my own. And though I don't know who moved first, somehow he was on the bed beside me and
I was falling into his protective embrace, relishing the escalation of sensation that his attention evoked in me until I was
beyond knowing anything but him... Our souls became permanently intertwined, then, and the void evaporated as our
love and need exploded into uncontrollable fits of passion.

We became lovers that night, in every possible physical and emotional sense. The fear that the word had instilled in me
earlier was gone, and in its place was a complete, languid serenity the like of which I had never before felt. The
experience coursed with the full-scale intensity of the real world. Later, sleep came easily to both of us. Neo held me
close--his breath tickled my neck. I could feel his chest move against my back, his legs tangled with mine, and his hands
clasped protectively over my own... I'd never felt so safe. This was love, this was life-- this was what it meant to be free.
 
 
 

My first fanfic... if you love it, I want to know, and if you hate it, I want to know too! But please tell me what I could be
doing BETTER--there's no point in leaving messages that say "your story sucks ass" without telling me how to fix it!