CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE
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You'll need the following:
         1 C water            1 tsp. baking soda
         1 C sugar            1 C brown sugar
         4 large eggs         lemon juice
         2 C dried fruit      nuts
         1 tsp. salt          1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.  Take a large bowl.  Check the
whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.  Pour one
level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat 1 C of
butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make
sure the whiskey is still okay.  Cry another tup.  Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the whiskey to check for
tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt.  Or something.  Who cares.
Check the whiskey.  Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to
beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out the window.  Check the whiskey
again.  Go to bed.  Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway??!!