UAWGM500

Let's get somethin' straight. This is not 'Jim's weekly NASCAR letter.' It's not my 'little note' nor is
it my 'picks o' the week.' And it's not a 'racing newsletter', so stop tryin' to unsubscribe from
the list....(Yeah I'm talkin' to all of you.) It's gotta name. An official name. And I must insist that,
as you prepare to cyber-scoff and e-mail your e-torts back at me, you refer to it by its complete and incorporated title: "Jim's Sunday Mornin' Home Improvin' NASCAR Ouija Thingy......Presented by nelvis."

Plus...From now on, I shall be addressed as "Thor."

Yesterday, the cat who runs the track in Charlotte parked a coupla tow trucks beside NBC's sat-mobiles and threatened to haul 'em off this weekend. Humpy Wheeler was perturbed because the Dandy Dons in the booth weren't callin' it Lowe's Motor Speedway on the air durin' the Busch race. But the network was miffed at Lowe's for not sinkin' a dime into any of the races' commercial airtime. Lowe's, having spent a dodecatrillion dollars renamin' this acreage a few years ago, dug feverishly under the PR couch cushions, but was only able to scrounge up the coinage needed for a coupla football spots on Sunday.

....Yeah, whatever. Will we see a race today?

Eh, apparently so. Humpy kept threatenin' but at some point last night, all the Kings' lawyers and all the King's men put somethin' together that would keep this thing on the air. Makes ya wonder though, doesn't it? Which race is next to be affected by syntax? Might I miss a race in the future because of some corporate bickering over a product brand or name? Has sponsorship and blatant commercialism found a foothold in NASCAR? (........Okay, wait....That's a stupid question.)

Hell, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was just a slight misunderstanding. Come to think of it, those tow trucks looked mighty small. I'm not so sure they coulda yanked those satellite trucks outta there anyway. Maybe Humpy was just being a little too dramatic.

Nah, not Humpy.

Charlotte Moto-....Lowe's Motor Speedway today, muchachos.   The original 'cookie cutter' mile & a half. When they built this one, they broke the mold. Then, glued it back together and stamped out another 10-20 just like it over the years. This track is the center of NASCAR's universe. Most teams have their headquarters around here. 'Cept maybe for Buckshot. I understand his head is somewhere else.

Charlotte also means it's October. Autumn. Nature's leaves are turnin' brown and NASCAR's paychecks are turnin' pink. The weather's gettin' colder than a Mayfield/Penske relationship. They call it the Silly Season.   Strangely enough, the term comes from an ancient Greek phrase meaning "Foyt is hiring."

That's right Mollie - Even with some of the nice starts Ron has had lately, AJ is still lookin' around for a new driver to ...well, to replace the one he's about to shoot . Hornaday's are numbered after a 31st this afternoon.

Sue - Nadeau well on these D-Ovals. Last year he qualified 2nd and 3rd at this track, and won the fall race at Atlanta. Today he brown noses the 10th startin' spot in the UAW race with his UAW car....Jerry, you a double useless driver when your engine blows around halfway. Luckily there's a couple extra tow trucks out there to drag you in 37th. .

Fox and Paul Parker - Junior ain't gotta worry about any silly seasoning. Junior ain't gotta worry about track names or tow trucks or missin' any races either. Only thing Junior's gotta worry about is which wa-....Where he'll b-....When to ma-.....Junior ain't got NOTHIN' to worry about.   3rd.

And hey, Deshanna. Are you still goin' to this race? I'll look for ya on TV, if Humpy don't pull the plug. Ya wearin' red, right?

Dave - (This paragraph has been Appalachially altered for the benefit of our UT grads.) Sterling's been uh, running good and has uh, moved up to uh, 4th in the uh, standings after last week's uh, race. Can he uh, jump another spot this week to uh, 3rd in the points?   We'll have to wait & uh, see. Marlin, 6th to-uh, day...

Ted's had to do a little silly seasoning himself. Steve Park will spend the rest of this season rehabbin' his gray matter, while Kenny Wallace steps in and puts the #1 car into a points plummeting death spiral. So Ted joins Granny in rootin' for the #28 car for these last few races of the year....And speakin' of gray matter, Rickity ol' Rudd AARP's a 9th here today.

Ted & Dave have co-coerced a new news guy to join join this listless little list. Roy Lang is yet another subscripter with no need for this non-sense. He writes about NASCAR for the local paper. He writes about NASCAR for a (much bigger) website. And he talks NASCAR, coast to coast, on a weekly radio show
( http://radio.frontstretch.com/ )......He knows much, much more than me about this sport. And let's see, he'll be rootin' for....Casey Atwood?!!!....Okay, he knows almost as much as me about this sport.   The mighty Casey strikes out with a 24th.

Pam - You done birthin' that baby yet, Miss Prissy? How big is he? Still got his little baby face? Is he bald? Is he goin' to Wisconsin when he graduates?....Am I badgerin' the witless?   And speakin' of bald, baby-faced badgers, your boy Kenseth should finish a witless 18th today.

Doc & Jeff - I love it. I keep crunchin' these numbers and I find that there's really no reason why Stewart is still on Gibbs' race team. If anyone's needin' to be silly seized, it's Tony. Accordin' to my graph, he's been on a sharp decline lately. He's losin' ground in the points at an alarming ra-....Ooops, I was holdin' this graph wrong......Oh....Okay......Uh.......Yeah, well.....Tony's a stupid head. 2nd.

Kathy opened the tradin' season with a driver change a few weeks ago. She dumped Kurt Busch and made the silly move to DJ's eighty-yates mobile. Since then, Jarrett has tumbled to 59th in points. And been knocked silly in the process. Tis the season. Dale, a 12th.

Andrea, Loria, and Tonia - Rusty's lost a teammate but gained a brother in this whole tradin' deal. Mayfield's a goner, while brother, Mike Wallace nepitip-toes into the #12. Rusty actually won this race way back in the Jurassic Park days when dinosaurs ruled the earth (See Darrell-saurus.)   Today it's, O Brother, where art thou help?   Rusty's a man of constant sorrow, with a 8th.

Stacy & Carl - Oh shut up, both of you. So what if Gordon won last week. And so what if Gordon has won this race before. Gordon's won everywhere before. But that doesn't necessarily mean he's gotta chance today....Well, yes it does. But it doesn't necessarily mean that he'll WIN today....Well, yes it does.....Oh, Shut up!

Reagan - Your driver, Labonte seems-....Reagan?!....Reagan?!......Reagan! REAGAN!!!....My God, it's like I'm workin' with you again. Hey Reagan!....Reagan!...Someone stick a mirror under his nose. Then tell him that Bobby's a sure bet for 7th.

Hey, maybe you can borrow Michael Waltrip's mirror. It's showing no signs of life and he's not gonna be needin' it anyway. Silly sees a 34th today. And probably sees his NAPA lapper go to Kenny next year.

Kim & Paul - Mark's big move came last year about this time. Martin traded sponsors and switched from one big "V" to another; Valvoline to Viagra. And what a difference it's made. Sure, he'll mount a charge with a 5th today, but it's a little late, don't ya think? What could've gone wrong? Let's check the side effects.....Has switchin' to Viagra helped? Has he won? Has he worked his was up into the top ten yet?

....Nah, not Humpy.