|Much as it hurts, I feel I must make a pubic retraction......
Second.....Let me change that to "PUBLIC" retraction.
I hereby take back, retract, and in fact, ask that you strike from the records any "all-star" reference I may have made concernin' this race. It's been the easiest way to describe it to non-NASCARians, but it is by no means accuritt....(nor is my proofreadin'.) An "All-Star Game" puts me in the mind of 4 different third basemen, and a new pitcher every inning. I think of a 9 foot showboat, slam dunkin' with one hand and wavin' to the crowd with the other. I think of players yuckin' it up on the sidelines with each other. They've played....They're gettin' paid. And if they've not played....They're still gettin' paid. Well, fair is fair.
Welfare IS fair, when it comes to most of these gatherin's. Two teams split a purse. And no matter who on those teams scored the most, everyone gets their cut. And everyone is happy. "All-star" is such a team-y word....words. (Note to self: Hey Algernon, higher a prufe reador.)
But tonight, our drivers are racin' for a half a gazillion dollars......Second place gets a nice set of stemware. There'll be no yuckin' it up. Oh, they'll laugh and kid with each other before the race. A little hair tosslin'. Little butt slappin'. But once they go green, it's a shootout. With nothin' to lose, and a leprechaun pointin' at a 70 lap rainbow, it's a kill-or-be-killed dash for the cashier's check. No RBI's. No assists. No teams. Winner take all...'Cept for the stemware.
The Winston. Everyone know how this goes?......Anyone need me to explain it?.....Anyone?.....Anyone?....Bueller?....Bueller?....Bueller?...
....Well, Ferris fare. You don't need me? Okay. I'm not gonna push it. If ya'll think you can make it through this whole race without knowin' the format, well that's perfectly okay with-(I see a hand in the back. This is how it works.)
-Any driver (or car owner) that's wonned him a race since the beginnin' of last year, is in.
-Any driver that's wonned him a series championship, is in.
-Any driver that's wonned THIS race (The Winston) in the last buncha years, is in.
-Any driver that wins hisself one of the last chance cattle-call sprints they put on before the big race, is in.
The Winston is broked up into 3 segments, with a rearrangin' of the startin' order after the first. (The number of cars to be flip-flopped around will be figured by an online web votin' ballot thingy.).....(And no. I didn't) There's bucks for winnin' each of the first 2 segments, but pocket change compared to the checkered change. $Five hundred thousand million dollars.
Dave - I tried to keep my explanatin' in a second grader's vocabulary for ya. (...No, that wasn't it, Dave....) I figured you teeny sized brainiacs from (...Nope...) the apple-achias might be likin' to see your (...No...) own language ever-now & then. Sterling's sho'nuff gonna do all he can, but he won't be lettin' us see him (...ahem....AHEM!....) get to the night race. No Winston. Marlin comes in second in the first and third in the second of the Opens.....Yeah. No. Yeah....Wait a second....
Kim & Paul - How did Mark Martin get into this race? Last time I remember him winnin' a race, I was in 8th grade.....Ooops! My bad. Last time Mark won a race HE was in 8th grade......That was last year at Martinsville, wasn't it? Markansas a 7th.
Ted - Steve Park's invitation to this race came after he frontiered the Glen last year. A Rockin'ham-bitious win earlier this year, two 2nd places, plus a top 5 last week, and Steve's a stud......11th tonight....Steve's a dud.
Stacy - After last week's "wa-wa'' with Wallace, don't be surprized if Gordo has handlin' problems all night. That DuPont car just might get a little "Lite" in the rearend. 5th
Paul Parker - Dale, Jr. rookied himself a win at this race last year. A handful of top tens lately, and it seem's Jr. may be back from a pretty rough year. 2nd tonight.
Jeff & Doc - Where's Formula 1 runnin' next week? Think Tony's game? Stewart's ridin' the biggest wave of momentum into this race. 3 top 5's and a win last week......What the hell. Give him Hakkinen's phone number. A 4th tonight.
Pam - Matt's invitation to the dance came after Kenseth winseth last year's Coca-Killer 600. Coupla top 10's lately sounds promising, but don't expect anything......Till August. Matt's wisconcentration and a bag of Cheetos earns him a 6th.
Mollie - Ron Hornaday........is gonna try. No Winston, but an 18th in the first race. What do you care anyway? You're an open wheel gIRL. Both you and AJ have focused all your attention up there. Meanwhile Hornaday flounders.....Okay, so that's no big news. Then how about this...God DID make little green apples.
Lori & Tony & Andrea - Rusty won this race back in 1989 with a bump that sent Darrell Waltrippin'. And for half a mill, he'll do it again....Got that Steve? Terry? Mark? Dale, Jeremy, Michael, Matt & Bobby?...et al.....As in, "Rusty et al ya'lls lunches. tonight!" 1st.
Michael - Michael's back to his old self. 15th.
Not a lotta special paint scheme's this year. Harvick's got an AOL paint job (.....and mail.), Ward's got some sort of gimmicky glass-bottomed hood art. Andretti's Helpin' Hamburger, And you can 'Harley' notice Rusty's new duds. Junior seems to be the only one out there with a full blown special paint package for this race. Supposed to be some kinda NASCAR / Major League Baseball tie-in. Oh, there it is: A Salute to the All S-......Star game.
Shit. There went that argument
Gentlemen...All-Start Your Engines!