| Guess Who?.....No, it's not an American Woman. It's me, Jim. So, how ya'll been? D'ya miss me last week?...Pardon?....Jim! C'mon, ya'll remember me......J-i-m......No, the other one.......N-e-l-s-o-n.....Yeah, yeah, yeah, "that little racin' thingy"......I h-a-t-e y-o-u. Can't I take a break every now & then? Have I not un-selflessly prognosted this stuff week in & week out for the past coupla years? And now ya go and dis me. (...Yick! Scrawny little white guys shouldn't be allowed to use the term 'dis'. ) So, I've missed a Sunday or two. Gimme a break. Hey, I haven't heard any complaints. ....Wait....I haven't heard any complaints!!!......I h-a-t-e y-o-u.... And yes, for that, I shall be merciless this week. Oh, ya'll all'll get yours (...For our northern friends; "All of you will get yours.") I will belittle the lotta ya this week. I may even get ya to complain this week. But, by God, you'll remember that it was J-i-m that wrote you something...this weak. Everyone gets their just desserts, my fairly weathered friends. Even in racin'. For a while now, there's been complainin' by the Busch leaguers 'bout the big dogs sniffin' around their tracks. A lotta Winston Cup's Sunday drivers have been racin' on Saturdays as well. And racin' on Saturdays as well or better than them. (....-they......whatever.) The Busch regulars are gettin' tired of it. They're gettin' bumped from races. They're losin' money. They're losin' points. And they're losin' a chaince to kiss the purdy girl in vicktree lane. But what goes a-round for our circle jerkers, comes around this afternoon at the road course in Sonomafornia. Each year, NASCAR makes it a serious point to test our oval meisters with a wiggly little left and right affair through the foothills of San Fran And each year, a buncha "road course specialists" invade the startin' grid, and bump a few Winston regulars. Scott Pruett is back to bruise a fender or two. Some guy named Boris is Said to have won a few road races. And Ron Fellows, he's jolly good at it as well..... So, how bout OUR small circular friends? What do ya'll think?....I know that I'm the one you're used to hearin' from on Sunday mornin's, but let me give one of you "Rhodes Scholar specialists" a chance at this race. A pre race opinion? A post race opinin'. What are your thoughts? C'mon, I'm givin' you a chance to bump me. How do you think our drivers are gonna do? What do YOU have to say? ...Pfffft! Who cares. I h-a-t-e y-o-u... Paul Parker - Hmmm...Would your Bizarro world evil twin be called Parallel Parker? Accordin' to all the numbers, it appears your driver is doin' a little parkin' too. He starts 37th and has been postin' even slower practice times. Dale Jr.'s a meter maid this week. 31st. Pam - Your Bizarro world evil twin's name shall be Flounder....What do you mean, "Why?" (Burp!) WHY NOT?! Matt Kenseth sits 12th in points, but is the only driver in the top 18 to have not yet earned a million bucks this year. (I hear ya, Matt. Me neither.) He's supposed to be sportin' a special AT&T/DeWalt car for this parade. D-Day & Bluto built it from his brother's old Lincoln. 22nd. Dave - Marlin came in second here last year. And with THIS year that he's havin', I just knew Sonoma was gonna be Sterling's. I figured the ol' dog was about to master a new trick; Sears Pointin'...A seein' eye dog's master coulda qualified better. Marlin is his own evil twinessean. A 12th. Mollie - AJ's car takes a provisional and starts Foyty-third this afternoon. The last of the last of the last to start. Ron Hornaday was able to squeeze out another couple miles per happy hour in practice, but he's just wastin' Foyt's green.....Car and cash. First of the middle of the last to finish. 35th. Jeff & Doc. The Lowe's Home Improvin' folks are puttin' pressure on RCR to dump Skinner and get a driver that can keep up with that Home Depot car....Isn't that just like Tony? On the track...On Wall street...Wherever. Destroy the competition. (...But it's more fun with the front bumper, ain't it, Tony?) Stewart's do-it-yourselfishness gets him a 5th. Lori, Andrea, and Tony - Rusty's been up and down for the past five races. 'Up' with a top 3 way back at Richmond. And 'down' ever since. What's it gonna take? This is a track that he's always been strong at. Two wins, and he's been second fastest all this weekend, right behind Gor-...... He's been one of the fastest this weekend. Today, Rusty comes in secon-......Seconnnnn-...Sec-.....Aw, screw it! First! Stacy - I don't know where to start with Wonder Boy:..His 1st or 2nd place finish in 5 of the past 6 races? His dominance of Sonoma since '98? Hell, his dominance of road courses in general? Or the fact that he's favored to win this afternoon's race by more than 30 laps? A second for Jeff today....If we're all lucky. I h-a-t-e y-o-u... Kim & Paul - Mark's another one I'm havin' trouble findin' fault with. He's jumped 10 spots in the standings in just 5 races. And this is one of his better tracks too. He 3rded here last year, and won it from the pole back in '97. Don't ya wish he had gotten the pole this week? Hey, I'm sure he tried.(...-tried everything but his sponsor.) Viagrateful for his 10th. Ted - Steve Park joins Tiger Woods, gracing the pages of tomorrow's People Ragazine with a spread on the 50 most eligible bachelors in the country....I used to think I was one too. Till I found out that "eligible" meant "rich". Closest I've ever gotten is Handwriters' Weekly's 50 most illegible batch o' lower cases....Steve's Pennzmanship earns him an 18th. o, i c y u r laughing at me now. Michael Waltrip's improvement over last year's numbers has been teeny, to say the least. And a teeny finish today is the least he can do. Nine'teeny'th. The track's been slightly reconfigured. It's Fox's last hurrah. And there's a purgatorial set of pits that they call "Gilligan's Island." You'll have to ask Martin, Junior and Hornaday about those. I'd have gladly gotten into these subjects too, if ya'll hadn't dissed me so much.....Oops, I did it again. .....And now ya'll got me singin' Britney songs!!!! I h-a-t-e y-o-u... |
| Save Mart 350 What Goes A-Round, Comes Unwound... |