PontiacExcitement300

I'm not wantin' to get too Kool on ya here but "Ceeeeelebrate Good Times! C'mon!" (Go Doc. You know the words.) Having not uno drop of Mexican blood in me, I've still opted to forego the normal, raceday, Rusty apparel, and have donned the Corona Cinco de my ol' t-shirt for the day. I'm ready to fiesta, forever. (...Wait. That was Lionel Ritchie.) And have I got muchos reasons to celebrate this May 5th.

First. Last week's bout with Black Lung didn't kill me. Oh sure, it disguised itself as a cold, but in response to a rather malicious mocking by Mollie, I weren't not fakin'! Even had me one of those near death experiences. Flat-lined and floated above, I did. And just as I was reachin' into the bright light like Carol Anne reachin' into a 19" Curtis Mathes, Rusty's win at California grabbed me by the legs of my heart (.....?......) and defibrillivered me back to this side. I AM ALIVE!.........Let's party.

(Although, come to think of it, I must've already done some partyin' back then. I can remember findin' a half pitcher of Nyquil and 4 or 5 dosage cups with quarters in the bottom.)

Second. I'm wantin' to celebrate the 5 hour, Shrevepote to Dallas and back masterpiece I just got home from. I was Buddy Baker's "Man on a Mission." I don't think I've ever made the run that quickly. 'Course I've never wanted to get rid of an in-law that quickly either. Asunta's sister has spent the last week visitin' (my nerves) and I took her back home this mornin'. There hasn't been a higher maintenance woman since Meg Ryan met Harry. I'm celebratin' a fridge free of fat-free dressings. I'm celebratin' that I no longer have to stand beside the thermostat until the room is juuuuust right. And I'm celebratin' the fact that my mastery of I-20 cut short what was becoming an abysmal conversation about Mary Kay. I've never needed to celebrate with alcohol anymore than I do today. Gimme a beer! A Corona! In a mug! with a lime!....and a little salt......sprinkled onto a wet paper towel.....A Bounty.....I'm allergic to the inks in the other brands....

Next, I'm celebratin' the OTHER race today. By law, I had to watch the Kentucky Derby. And by law I had to lose money on it? Monarchos Schmnarcos, I'd picked a horse called Secretariart. I just saw this ESPN Classic show about him. He looked fast.....Course I'm from Kentucky. We're born with that kinda smarts.

And finally, I'm wantin to celebrate this Cinco de Mayo thing. But just what exactly do you do? Fireworks? Pinatas? Trumpets? NAFTA treaties? Is there something symbolic I could be doing? Some sort of tree or a wreath I could be hangin'? Do I hide sopapillas around the house?....Eh, I'll figure out somethin'.

In the meantime, it's time to celebrate the sensibly short confines of Richmond this week. 3/4 mile track. 400 laps. It's night. And their wearin' sunglasses.(...Hit it, Elwood.) So in keeping with the Cinco de Mexican theme, I offer mi predictomentes...if ya por favor.

Jeff & Doc. Antonio Stewartito es loco to be thinkin' about doin' Indy y Charlotto on the same dia again. But that's down around the end of de Mayo. This week it's Richmond. And Gordon.....Good place for your own Battle of the Puebla. Don't forget, ya almost had a 4th at Bristol.....Remember the Alamost. Stewart comes in ocho.

Stacy. Jeffe Gordo es muy plenty goodo at these poco little tracks but this is not his noche. If the Depot de Casa car don't get him, he may squeeze out a top cinco......What? Is the Spanish too tough. Shall I translate it into Portuguese? Cinco DuPonto.

Pablo Parkerro - Dale Juniorita is the Championo Defendico for tonight's fiesta. He took the checkers here last ano, and looks speedy enough this year to gonzalez himself another piece of cheese. Apesadumbrado Charlie! (....Yeah. "Sorry" sounds better.) The Bud Car banditos a tres-th.

Pam. Senor Kenseth started this weekend rapido, but his Hora Happy numeros are down. He Quetzalcoatl-fied 19th and finishes diecinueve......What a Wis-coincidito....dontcha know?

Lori, Tony & Andrea. Take a siesta. Rusty's just toyin' with 'em. He may bang pinatas in the top ten for a while...Ninos will be ninos. But come lap 400, you know...uno. So mas to celebrate, so poco time.

Ted. Esteban Park was mas fastest off the truck but has been doin' a little Kensethin' himself. Que pasa with that, Steve? But then again, que else is new?...El benefito de la doubta....Cuatro-th.

Kim & Paul. Marco Martinez gets his second pole of the year in the Viagra car......And I wouldn't touch that one with a....well....triple the dosage. The seis car's been up there all weekend, but like Bob Dole, he'll droop back down late. Did I say droop? I meant drop. La Viagra falls to a catorce.

"Viagra Falls!"......Slowly I turned. Inch by inch. Step by step....(Stooges, or Abbot & Costello? I forget.)

Mollie. Foyt's been in collabitado with Senor Ricardo Childress and they're gonna field a car together at this year's Indy. Puncho Villa's gonna have more drivers than he can slap pretty soon. Ron Hornadia managias a veintiocho.

Dave. Sterling's got the wrong beer in his cantina, si? The Coor's Light is the slowest of the cerveza wagons this week. Marlin dos icky's his way to a veintiuno-th.

Miguel Waltrip seems to have figured out the perfect way to celebrate this Cinco de Mayo....Sink. The Napa car siestas to a treinta y uno. Frankly, I like my holiday gesture a little better.....

"Jim! Why is the kitchen sink full of mayonnaise?"

uh oh....Adios.