I'll give someone this crisp, new $50 bill if they can show me aaaaaan.....idea!!! Okay, wait. "America's top trader and TV's big dealer, Monty Hall" I ain't. I can't afford $50. How 'bout we make it a box of Rice-a-Roni (the San Francisco Treat) if you can give me, say, a notion?.......And a hard-boiled egg.
Here, I've had a whole, Wimbledonian fortnight to come up with an original "recipe" and I got nothing. My brain is fried. Extra Crispy. I hate waitin' till the last second to try & think of a topic for this blather. All the scoops are gone. What little news I got to tell, has already been told. And due to an irrational fear of inadvertently plagiarizin' someone else's words, I'm scared to structure a sentence of three words or more, on a topic that's already been covered by every network, sports page, or website. (...I read that somewhere.)
So, who has a story idea? And no pickin' the obvious. (....You know what I mean.) Who's gotta fresh topic? Who needs $50?.....And who will settle for a box of rice?...OR, would you rather trade for what’s behind one of the doors Carol Merrill is pointing to?
Door number 1...The baton has been passed, my groove-tubular amigos. After spendin' the first half of the season Fox huntin' through my TV for the races (FXN?...FXSW?...FSN?,) I was lookin' forward to this NBC, one network thing....Well, 'cept for the races that TNT will carry. Along with the qualifyin' and practices.....Unless they show those on CNN/SI (....sigh.) But, the peacock HAS promised lotsa clever little bells & whistles. Yeah, clever like a Fox. Big deal: Weber's War Wagon replaces Hammond's Hollywood Hotel. And those pointy-pointy thingies will now be bubbles....The Fox is still close. "Release the Hounds!"
Door number 2....Britney Spears is like, the Grand Marshal and all of like, this week's race, and I'm like all, "So what?" She'll take a ceremonial lap in a convertible, wavin' her hand, hair, and navel to the crowd. Then she'll utter those four, most famous words in motorsports.....Swear to God, if she says "Guys, start your cars!" I'm gonna hit her.....One more time.
Or will it be Door Number 3?...Oh no. Nuh uh. Nope. I told you - Not the Earnhardt thing. Can't do it. Everyone else beat me to it...Besides, a coupla nights ago, I caught the last 15 minutes of "Rudy" and it got my eyes all juicy. And that was a HAPPY ending. But ya'll feel free to verklempt all ya want. Just grab that remote and head for one of those channels that ends in "--- News Network." There's plenty of slow-moed video of him kissin' his wife and daughter at the 500.
OR you can trade the whole thing, (the old news, the pop stars, the sad stories, AND the box of rice) for the one and only tidbit of information I have in this box. Whaddya say?...
"THE BOX!!!"..."THE DOOR!!!"..."THE PILAF!!!!"..."THE DOOR!!!"..."THE BOX!!!.."
Okay, the box, it is. (Ahem)...Did you know they haven't repaved this joint since 1979? With Daytona's 31 degree bankin', they'd hafta rent special equipment that costs nearly as much as-...Oh, shut up. I coulda zonked ya'll with a herd of goats, or a giant jar of pickles. But actually, this is some semi-useful information. What I'm tryin' to tell ya is, it might not have been Sterling's fault or the seatbelt's fault or the concrete wall's fault.....Mighta been the asphalt.
No, You're right. Sterling did it.
Stacy - Here's some new news....Jeff ain't on the pole. And you can look for this headline tomorrow mornin': "Jeff DOESN'T Win Nascar Race!!!!. His Pepsically painted Chevy is still fast, but today just ain't 'Tiger' Gordon's day....tona. 4th.
Dave - Sterling led a dam sandbag full of fast Dodges in qualifyin', and has gotten a seat on the pole.....Dave's dam TV station won't be showin' the race & I'm takin' a poll:...Who hates Dave? Good luck with the viewers, Groover. Hope your switchboard can handle the flood. Marlin gets accused again....of winning. (Go Sterling!)
...Ooh yuck, I just cheered for a Vol. (...P-tooie!..) And now I can't get this taste outta my mouth. (...P-tooie!)
Kim & Paul - Martin tries to get Monty's attention with a little different paint tonight. Mark wears a red "6", and takes a poke at the No Bull Million. And when the Viagra car takes a poke at somethin', ya'd best run. But, as it turns out, "Pokey" is... just that. 16th.
Paul Parker - Look at that...Lotsa folks are dressin' up for the show. Junior's wearin' his All-Star baseball jersey again this week. And a bumper sticker that says, I'm Goin' to the Monty Hall of Fame. (Next stop: The Price is Right.) Earnhardt, Jr. steals an 8th.
Pam - Is your NBC-eedy station plannin' on droppin' any races for beauty pageants? Is Matt Kenseth ready to talk about that little Wisconsin-cident with the Milwaukee Park Cop? Is your "dairy heir" still due in August? Remember when Carol Merrill was pregnant? I don't either....Too long ago. Remember when Matt won a race. I don't either...Same reason. Is that too many questions?...Think so?....Really?.... Kenseth delivers a 12th.
Michael Waltrip is sportin' a costume this week, too. His NAPA "Pick Me, Monty!" Carlo will have stars and stripes scattered all over it when the race starts....And scars and strikes when it's done. Mikey gets caught up in the Big One. 34th.
Andrea, Lori, & Tony - He may dance around naked sometimes, but Rusty ain't no fool, Monty. Rusty ain't gonna paint his car just to get attention. Rusty ain't makin' no deals. Oh yeah, and Rusty ain't winnin' at Daytona. Let's just hope he don't flip out over it. A 7th.
Ted - Steve Park got busted Thursday by NASCAR for some bad bolts and an illegal exhaust. Whether or not Steve has to pay a fine dePennz on whether NASCAR will accept 300 boxes of Creamettes as currency. Park noodles his way to a 9th.
Jeff & Doc. T-Stew goes T-Rex tonight. The Brothers Gibbs are both sportin' Jurassic Park paint for this race. Aren't dinosaurs extinct now?...Fitting...Tony stinct in qualifying. He starts 36th but bangs a gong and gets it on up to 6th.
And no, Doc. We're not gonna go back and talk more about Britney.
But we can talk about the New Kids on the Block. Kathy and Reagan join this list (kicking and screaming.)
Kathy's the Harley-ot that I used to ride motorcycles with. She's moved on to Memphis now, but gave me her e-ddress and told me to write before she left. (...Oh, you poor thing.) Now she's gone and picked Kurt Busch as her driver. (...Oh you poor, poor thing.) Take a bow Kathy. Kurtsees a 29th.
And then there's Reagan. He's one of our producers, and well, his name says it all. Where's that tape, Reagan?.."I don't remember." What's the outcue for this soundbite, Reagan?..."I don't remember." Who's your driver, Reagan?.."I don't remember." (But try this question: What ya drinkin', Dude?)....Make a deal with ya, Reagan: Arms for hostages....Or Bobby Labontiac for the last leg of this season. Bobby contra-dicts his horrible startin' position with an 11th place finish.
Mollie - Foyt's car is stuck back up there in the back part of the studio audience; the ones who are all dressed up and ready to play, but don't get a chance. Ron Hornaday zonked in qualifyin' and will watch the show sitting beside some other flamboyant loser who's all dolled up in a French Maid's outfit. "Sorry, AJ."....."Merde-head."
But hey, cheer up Mollie. Everybody gets a consolation prize. Hell, I'm barbequin' a goat and boilin' me up a pot of Creamettes right now. Tell ya what. You promise to stop makin' fun of me cryin' over Rudy and Dale, and I'll fix ya up a plate....Is it a deal?
PS. Save room. I'm also bakin' some crow.
Let's Make a Dale....