|Might wanna grab you a pillow. Get somethin' to read. Have the Sunday crossword handy, because this one's gonna be a snoozer. Bo-Ring...A tedious coming together of dull. A dull-fest. A yawn-fest. Hell, a Yanni Concert. I'm havin' to set my VCR up to tape it, just in case this 400-mile bedtime story puts me to sleep. In it's short history, this skidpad by the sea has produced a winning margin of no less than 4 and a half seconds. And the only real racing for position has happened when they pit, and the crew chief calls for more air pressure or less wedge or wants to...take....a-.........(Yaaaawwwwwnn!)
...Am I boring you?...Get used to it.
Off we go, into the Floridiotic flatlands of Homestead-Miami Speedway. Dangling like a flaccid participle from the southeastiest corner of the US, NASCAR's Winston Cup drivers broke this track in just two years ago. (.....Did I just dangle mine?) It's a mile and a half long and almost as wide, with huge, sweeping corners that are banked at 6 degrees. 6 bunny slopin' degrees. That's just about flat enough to play a game of marbles. Don't get me wrong, I love a good flat track, but c'mon; 6 degrees! I've seen steeper railroad tracks. I've sunk 6 inch putts on higher slopes. I've rolled an egg with my nose up a ramp...that.....was....
...Am I boring you?...Get used to it.
And to pour salt on my pancakes, Tony Stewart is the only driver to ever win at this track. It's also worth noting that he's the only driver to ever stay awake for the whole race. Between the drone of the motors, and the endless left turn, it's a wonder these drivers don't take a "blankey" with them. I've fallen asleep during driver introductions here. Two years ago I went through three REM cycles on one set of tires. I once took a catnap when Jeff Burton was leading and didn't..wake...up..till-....
.....Get used to it.
Roy - Casey and his moonshine band have been doin' a little dance at qualifyin' these past few weeks. Atwood TGIF'ed his way to a third top-3 startin' spot in as many races and goes green from outside "Awesome Bill from Daw-soon-to-be-ex-teammate-ville" Elliott. A little flat in Happy Hour, but I still like his chances....To finish awake. 12th.
Mollie - AJ's outta provizzies, and the Foyteen car couldn't find the speed to qualify Friday. So, the flathead's crew/driver combo won't be in the show today. They screwed up.....I said, they scr-...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
....Even the puns are puttin' me to sleep.
Kathy - I'm not gonna bore ya with a buncha stats and figures on Dale. Suffice it to say, the man knows how to win at these flat tracks. Ya gotta like Jarrett's chances here. Just check-out his numbers so far this weekend.....
Kathy - I don't like DJ chances here. 9th.
Ted & Granny - Ricky's Texaco #28 is 300+ points behind, but hasn't given up on the championship yet. Ricky's Texaco Ford keeps ignoring the odds. Ricky's Texaco team keeps fightin'......Ricky takes a cold shower today. Snap out of it, Rooster. Forget Jeffy. Ya gotta stop Tony before he slingshots past you in the points. Ya might try that bumper thingy that you've been practicin' so much with Rusty. 6th.
Sue - Nadeau startin' mid pack. Nadeau holdin' his own midway. Nadeau finishin' 'round midnight....(yawn) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Boring, boring,boring. 34th.
Waltrip's sufferin' from a bad case of Floridiocracy. This state's been good to Mikey. This state's been bad to Mikey. It still owes him. Be good, Mikey. 3rd.
Jeff & Doc - What's the T-Stew anecdote for this week? Kickin' a little ol' lady who's wantin' an autograph? Or helpin' her across the street? I've seen just about enough sidebars about how Tony was such a good boy growin' up, and how nice he really is, and how much he's donated to charities, and how he's cured cancer. Boaring-boaring-boaring....
The Rushvillian rocks the boat with a bump-pass on Ricky near the end. Then passes Mikey for a 2nd.
And Doc - Who does this dinosaur think he is? I thought Geoff Bodine was extinct? What's his flat-track claim to fame? And no, that Daytona Crashman truck thing doesn't count. That was a flat-LINE claim to fame. 31st.
Stacy & Carl - Buckle up. Pop the clutch. Then tally up a top-100 finish and Gordon could very well end up drivin' away with the championship this weekend. 'Course, if he doesn't, there's a Governor down there named Jeb with some experience in tallyin'.....Oh shut up. You won't need him. Jeff. 7th.
Tony, Lori, and Andrea - Bet it all. The flatter the better. A lullaby of a race but Rusty will take two during a caution and stays in the running through this one. By lap number 350, he'll whip past on the outside and stay up there to win. Yep. Should have her dialed in by lap 350...maybe 360.....If he's got his toe-in set correctly at the start. I mean, if the toe-in and the shocks aren't-......
.....Get used to it.
Paul & Kim - Martin has two boner-fide top 5's at this track. And that was without the chemical assistance of his new sponsor. You'd think that with Viagra, a good startin' spot, and a happy-happy hour, the 6 car would finish better than today's 11th. It's been a hard (chemically assisted) year, Mark.
Reagan - Along with the Rushvillian and Viagra-boy, Bobby is the only other driver with two Labonafide top-5's here. He's been tutorin' the masses all year at the flat tracks. Quick in practice, but a ridiculous startin' spot today. Labonte gets caught up in a wreck but waddles in 26th.
How many laps in this race?
Tony, Lori, and Andrea - So what.
Deshanna and DePaul - DeJunior is De-termined to catch Rusty for 6th in points.....Denied. A flat tire midrace puts Earnhardt, Jr. a lap down. 23rd.
Dave - 10sc...Tin is he....Tennis-y......There! Ya found it! Now stop wastin' time and look at Sterling's car.......Coooooooooool!....Now, turn it back to football. Boring race. Marlin 5th.
Pam - Kenseth's had a coupla good days on the skidpads this year, and a little flat-track flattery may matter to Matt. But he's hadda cubble of bab daze too.....Cupfulla baa grey stew.......He done not good too.....(Sorry. I couldn't stick the landing after that "matter to Matt" part.) I'm guessin' 22nd today, only because Kenseth will flat wear his tires out on this speedway. It'll start with a bad wedge adjustment on the first stop. These flat tracks can fool you on air pressure and without knowin' how..much...wedge...to-
...Get used to it.
Your flatulent friend,
The Mild Blue Yawn-der