| Dear Mike Helton, I realize you're a busy man. Between countin' gate receipts, and makin' your weekly rules changes, I doubt you have time for us meager little fans. But if I could have just a second of your time.... As you flip through your desk calendar, tryin' to figure out where to squeeze in another 4 or 5 races at ISC tracks, I'd like to make a suggestion. With the popularity of the Shootout & the Winston, why not add another non-points race to the mix. A short, cash-only sprint at Talladega. Oh, you can keep the restrictors in 'em. You can keep the wickerbills and the roof dams and the spoilers and everything. Matter of fact, I think you oughta keep the cars exactly like they are right now, 'cept for one little addition....A passenger's seat. Here's the format; 20 laps...1 million dollars to the winner....And every driver has to race with a member of the NASCAR heirarchy belted in and ridin' shotgun. And YOU, Mr. Helton, will have to ride too. Can't you imagine how exciting that would be? Don't you think the fans would love it? 43 of the best drivers in the world, along with 43 of the Mensa candidates who developed this restrictor plate concept, sailin' into turn three 4-wide. Oh, don't worry. You'll be safe. Remember? The speeds are slower. Matter of fact, you'll only be able to get up to around 188.45 mph. Just like the car runnin' right beside you. And right in front of you. And right behind you. Oh don't worry. You'll be safe. Remember? You'll be wearin' one of those mandated yak yokes to protect your head and neck. And you'll have seatbelts with safety labels on them. And you'll be in a car that's built solid as a rock. Oh, don't worry. You'll be safe. Remember? The race would only be 20 laps long. Surely in that time, the field would have spread out. And if not, I'm sure that with a million bucks up for grabs, none of the drivers would wanna do anything foolish. Think of it. NASCAR Driver and Corporate Bean-Counter, ridin' side by side. Workin' together to bring to us, the fans, a race as exciting as this past Sunday's. C'mon. Would it kill ya to try? .....Let me rephrase that. Jonathan Swift |
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