Slumptin's Gotta Give...
|Believe it or not, I know that Ripley's isn't really interested in my predictin' abilities. An 8 ball-istics test'll show that I've only hit the bullseye 10 times in the oh, 190...195 foretellin's I've shot at you. Be it Park in 4th, or Hornaday in 32nd, I've only nailed 10 finishes. Well below the Mendoza line, but then again, nothin' to necessarily sneeze at.
...God Bless you.
I'm also aware that it takes an idiot to try and guess any one of 43 different drivers' finishes every week. But I was the only one qualified. And predic-ulous as it sounds, I'm kinda proud of my 10 little "told ya so"s. The problem is, all those came in the first half of the season. For a while there, I was Nosfera-tootin' my own horn at least once every coupla weeks. But I haven't nailed one since Rusty's Daytonic 7th. That was 6 weeeeeks ago.
Funny thing is, I'm not alone. The stock market's been in a lethargic stupor. Fossett has failed again in his beautiful-his beautiful ballooooooon. The west remains ablaze. Planet of the Apes sucked. And sharks have started climbin' the food chain...And holdin' conventions in Florida.
But all that's about to change. Ya see, the whole world's in a slump (well, 'cept for the sharks,) and it all seems to be mirroring ME. I buy stocks, they drop. I blow up a balloon, it pops....on a brazil nut. I pick a driver to win, and he drops a water hose soon as the green stops flappin'....And Planet of the Apes sucked. If my hunch is right, I am the gatekeeper to the downward nexus of this Global Biorhythmia. And with a little bit of latin mumbo jumbo, I might be able to save the earth.....Yet again.
"Si Quaeris Peninsulam Amoenam Circumspice." Don't ask me what it means. I found it written on a bedknob and a broomstick.
To those drivers who've been seekin' a pleasant racetrack, look about you. Michigan International Speedway. A big, wide, 2 miler, nestled in the Irish Hills of this mitten shaped state. Smooth, banked, and fast. Fifth fastest in NASCAR. An aero race. A 400 mile race. Fuel mileage race. Blah-de-blah-de-blasť....Sorry. But I'm not a big fan of this freeway. It's a giant D oval with way too much elbow room. Stick another 43 cars out there and make it a bit more excitin'. Hell, if ya really wanna whiteknuckle around a big D, try the LBJ 'round quittin' time. Gotta be the fifth fastest loop in America.
Dave. - Just to make sure you're covered, I'd best toss some pig latin out there too. Arlinmay is artin'stay to get a little astynay...se corum satis dee. Sterling bangs his way through traffic like Angela Lansbury broomin' past the Nazis. A 4th.
Kathy - Kvrt Bvsch will be 'latin' ya down again this week. He'll drive et tu a 17th.
Michael Waltrip's slump peaked with an unhappy hour, scrapin' his car off the wall. The Napa Lappa add nausea after realizin' he just blew a top ten qualifyin' spot.. Now, he'll start from the upper Peninsulam and finish, again, in 29th.
And if I can have the Latin students' attention!....Deshanna is new to the class. She goes by "Fox", so you know she's pretty, she's sly, and she loved the first half's TV coverage of the races. She's goin' to her first race in Charlotte this Oct. She's from KC and (since Missouri loves company) she'll be joining the Dale, Jr. contingent on this list. Which consists of....oh...Paul Parker.....Who goes by "Peter." Wanna know why?
Fox & Spiderman - Your Bud in the beer wagon has avoided any Nelvistic slumpage and is postin' some nice numbers. Keep it up, Jr. I'll status quote a 9th.
Reagan - Microsoft's been mired in a buncha Supreme Court legal wranglin's lately. Slumpage connection?: Jim crashed his Outlook Express. Lost all my notes on just who was gettin' in that Smirnoff car. Isn't it at Bristol? Until next week, you're gonna hafta watch Bobby Labo dine on a 7th.
Mollie - I can't be to blame for all of AJ's woes. He's been slumpin' since the 70's. And he's been racin' since they were speakin' latin on the streets. Hornadeus over when he breaks an axle in the pits. 38th.
Jeff & Doc - My dog left a few playful teeth marks on my arm the last time he & I got to roughhousin'. Tony sprained an ankle playin' with his puppy in the yard........Hmmm?....."Asunta? Have you seen my .38?" Stewart cum lousy, in 14th.
Ted - The Pennzoil Parker road home 10th last week at the Glen. He seems to be ridin' a topsided biorhythmic wave lately, puttin' together 3 top 10's in the last 4 races. E pluribus unum, Steve. Out of many, the #1 car finishes 11th.
Stacy & Carl - The only slumpin' that Gordon's been experiencin' is the slight, shoulder nod he has to do to get outta the car in victory lane. I'm gettin' tired of watchin' him win. And there's only one way to stop him.....
"Jim says Jeff Gordon will win this race."
Sue - Jerry may do better than his 31st startin' spot implies, judgin' by that happy hour. But caveat emptor, my strictly platonic friend: Nadeau not and finishes 22nd.
Pam - You should be doin' a little slumpin' yourself. That little boy you're carryin' must weigh a ton by now. Due this month, isn't he?. Matt's been carryin' the Roush team for almost as long. Novus ordo seclorum. Betcha a dollar the young Kenseth beats the old Martin. An 8th.
Kim & Paul - Is Viagra a latin word? I can only assume it doesn't mean "slumping," but ya might wanna remind your driver. Martin's won at this track, but that was before he started this chemical warfare with Mother Nature. A quickie in Happy Hour, runnin' fourth fastest. But a flacid 10th to end the weekend.
Non Annuit Coepitis, Mark.
Is that everybody? I haven't forgotten anyone, have I. I'd sure hate to spend a lotta time puttin' this thing together, and then come to find out I did somethin' silly like, leave a coupla names off....Or forget to connect a water hose.
Oh yeah. Lori, Andrea, and Tony - After last week's loose screws led to a blown motor early, Rusty's team has put an additional 140 mechanics in the garage this week....All following behind one another. Got more "Checks!" bein' called out than the Prague militia. He's brought the same car (Mad Max) that he won with at last year's race, and was fastest in Happy Hour yesterday. Lookin' pretty good here.....Hmmmm?....
Okay ya'll, I'm gonna try to do that Gordon thing with Rusty too. Maybe a little reversium psychologus will help. So here goes...
Ahem. "Today, Jim says the #2 car will finish 43rd."