"Flat on the ground!  NOW!...Face down!  Both of you!"

Hey, where's MY press?  Sic a few Rotts on Barney Fife and you're on the cover of the Rollin' Spud.  Oh sure; them Idaho kids get ALL the headlines.  Hell, Nik & Jessica found out about Uncle Dubya's tax cut bill thingy on Friday and have been barricaded in my house ever since.  I'm just ending my own little unadulterated standoff, and I don't see any reporters.  Where are the live trucks?  The newspaper?  Where's Newsweek?  (And where the hell are those snipers I asked for?) 

"I said face DOWN!  And don't move....Hmmm, what's this?  A slingshot strapped to your ankle?....Oh you're goin' down, Nik."

I had tried to keep news of this tax refund to myself.  (My plan was to use it to fill up the car, and maybe get something nice with whatever was left over.....Like some gum.)  I'm not really sure how the kids got wind of the money.  I suspect they've been watchin' a little too much CNN....And not 'CNN nuff' of the shows I tell 'em to.  I've showed them that Fox and UPN are down low on the cable dial. (..."
Papa, what's a dial?")  Cartoons and videos are up in the higher numbers.  And I've warned 'em to stay away from the middle channels that make up the journalism section (...plus Fox News.)  If they want news, they can get it from Comedy Central and MTV like the rest of us.   But no, these two Edward R. Minors musta gone snoopin' and discovered my refundulant little secret... I'd have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those middlin' kids.

"Okay, now put your hands on the back of your head, Jess.  Sloooowly.  And no, I won't hire you an attorney."

They'd made their same old demands:  "
Food...Shelter........Food."  Yeah, whatever.  I'm not one to give into whiners.  A Father Knows Best when he's Young, but a veteran father knows even better.  And I've seen enough Rugrats episodes to learn that you can't just give a kid the first thing he, she or it asks for,  He, she, or it will soon know how to get whatever he, she, or it wants. (I she-it you not.)  So I tossed out a counter offer, and pretty soon we were negotiatin' like...like...like Reno & Elian's Uncle....in Waco.

Things got ugly when my offer topped out at $30 worth of Blockbuster rentals, and they started trashin' the inside of the house.  That is, until they realized there wasn't really that much damage they could do to begin with.  And now that they've completely exhausted themselves searchin' for anything of value, I've been able to storm the front door with a 50' fully loaded garden hose, and take charge of the situation.

"...Ya know in all this excitement, I can't remember if I set this nozzle to 'Jet'...Or to 'Mist'.....So what you've gotta ask yourself is, 'Do I feel lucky?'.....Well do ya?....Pumpkin?.."

The Daddy Harry thing worked and eventually I got 'em both to handover their weapo-...(?)...
....handover their-...

.......DOVER!  Oh, to hell with my story.  (DroppedthechargesTheystillhatemeTheend.)   NASCAR has packed for a 3 week run above the Mace & Dicks & Line, with its first stop in Dover today.  Time for the monster mile.  Time for the concrete.  Time for Jim to find a different way to segue to this race (...-way.)  This is the third time I've told a lame little story just so I can work a "dover" into the end and then start talkin' 'bout this race.  I'm sorry.  I've worn it out.  I've
Dela-worn it out....the way I keep doin' it over and over and over an-.....(?)...

Okay, I'll give ya $15 worth of rentals to keep readin'...

Kim & Paul - One of Martin's better tracks.  One of Martin's worst years.  Mark's a lap or two down in the points race and this late charge of his is futile.  It'll take a miracle....or a miracle drug.  Viagra dios, amigo.  6th

Dave - Qualifyin' was rained out so they line 'em up by points.  So where is Marlin startin'?  Is he 25th?  30th?....Oh...7th.  I musta been thinkin' 'bout his finish.  Sterlin' wreckons a 25th.

Parker - Back at the end of March, Jr. was behind ME in the points.  But a top-ten-acious run for the past month or so, and he sits 11th in the points....And in the startin' blocks.....And at the finish.

Pam - Did ya see yesterday's race?  Did ya see Matt sconsin' around this place like he owned it? (...Neither did I.  Busch races don't interest me much either....Unless, by George, they give out tax cuts too.)   A 4th today.  You can bet your refund on it.....Might just 'dubya' money.

Mollie - Foyt is still broodin' from last week's Salazarian finish in the AJ 500....Pardon. The Indy 500.  His car strolled in a disappointing 7th last week.  And Ron Horna- does the same this week....Disappoints!  (Not 7th...Get serious, Mollie.)  31st.

Jeff & Doc - Stewart swept both races here last year and Dela-wares the crown.  But only three drivers have ever won 3 in a row at Dover.....And two of 'em are still out there....And neither of them likes you.  A 2nd for Tony.

Stacy - Gordon's been fast all weekend and why not. This is one of Jeff's better tracks too.  Matter of fact, he's one of those three drivers to triplicate consecutively here.  Today, he'll duplicate his ninthiveness from last year.

So just who is that last three-peater?  Hmmm?  Caaaaan it be...Michael Waltrip?  Caaaan Porky pilot?  27th.

Ted - Can it be Steve Park?...Caaaaan one station own the phrase "Mega Doppler"? Steve blips in 18th

Lori, Andrea, & Tony - No, that 2 car is the last of the trip-licans.  Rusty's the other driver (along with the retired David Pearson) who has strung together 3 wins here.  And although his practice times don't show it, he'll firstify at the Monster once again today.  And start another streak of winning this race over and over and over.....(?)...and..over-...

...Handover those Blockbuster coupons!...Ain't a single one of ya'll read this thing all the way down to here.
MBNA Platinum 400
Handover That Refund...
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