One of Asunta's friend has been fertilizin' my ego with compliments on my yah-d of late.
Grass looks great, Jim."  "Would ya look at that edging."  "How'd you clip the bushes so perfect....And why's that one shaped like a truck?".....I'll mumble a coupla tweren't nothin's and a Barney Fife snort or
two. "It's an El Camino..."  Then baaaaarely squeeze my puffed chest through the side gate and push my push mower...more.

If you have time next weekend, would ya mind edgin' around my house too?...So that, ya know, maybe it can look half as good as yours?"

........(sigh).....Of course I fell for it.  I'm a moron.  Ya might as well be askin' me to show ya my muscles.  "Grunnnnnttt!" Gruuuuuuuunt!"

Aaaand is that a 'yes', Jim?..."

Uh...But I'd already made big plans this weekend.  Along with a quick mulchin' of my own lawn, I'd booked a Harley this Saturday.  For an arm and the lower portion of one leg, there's a place here that rents 'em.  I've done it lots of times.  I keep tellin' the people who run the shop how I wish I could afford one.  They keep tellin' me I could've bought two with the money I've spent rentin' 'em... 

(...A moron.)

And Sunday's out completely.   Gomer Pyle has a one-song-only concert at some race up north.  Then it's back home again in North Carolina for the Coke-Cola 600.   No, the only possible time I could do it evenin'......hmmmm?

Two lawns.....One day.....Impossible!  First off, I need only cut my grass.  That'll require the power and mulchability of an open wheeled mower.  But her lawn will need the finesse of my fender wrapped combination edger/trimmer/cultivator/blower/leaf vac/can opener/pliers/and file.  Second.  I'll be too bushed from doin' my own yard that mornin'.  Third. NOTHIN' gets in the way of the Harley ride.  Are we all clear on that?

Yeah.  I remember when you rented a Harley the last time.  Week ago wasn't it?  Anyway, you looked good on it. Jim.  And I'm not just sayin' that."

"You're not?"


Like a stud.  Like a man in charge.  Like a man who can conquer the world.....A man who can do the impossible.  Like a stud...Oops, said that already."



Listen, Jim.  The edgin' will keep.  We'll get to my lawn some other time."


Thanks.  There's an outlet behind our car, and watch out for my roses...."

(Mo-....-ron.  Oops, said that already.)

Oh, the yards were the easy part.  Zoomed around mine.  Hers took a little longer, but I still edged my way outta there before dark......(...."Edged"....I kill myself.....Why isn't anyone else except Gillespie laughing?)  And just to show off, I even made hers look three/quarters as good as mine.  Grunted, showed my muscles, and put it all away till next weekend.

No, it was the Hog ride in between that killed me.  My hands and wrist are sore.  My teeth are still cl-cl-cl-cl-cl-ackin'.  My knees are banged up. And I'm the definition of "pain in the ass."  I got rained on.  I got sunburned.  I got cold.  I got hot.  And the bugs?  I took more kamikaze hits than the, what was it, USS Oklahoma? (...or Arizona.....What does it matter.....)  Lord, I've never been in such pain.  But I kinda like the bruises. They say the ladie-(okay, stop it right there.)

More-on Jim later.

Good luck to ya, Mr. Double Dippity-doin'-both-races Tony Stewart.  I was at the '96 Indy when he sat on the pole.  And I was at the 600 when he tried this the first time.  But after depleting our checking, savings, and my 401K so that I can rent these Harleys, my sore ass will be at home to watch him try it this time.  Eat a big breakfast, Tony.  Get some rest.  And watch out for that ride between gigs.

Mollie has already tossed me a few Indy-cations on how she thought the first race would finish.  And since she's the 'IRL'-y bird, she gets the first worm.....Hornaday's alone at Lowe's this week.  AJ's up at the Gomer-fest.  The force ain't with him, as Ron solo's a 36th. (....Andretti?...Winning Indy?....Michael Andretti?  Mollie, Mollie, Mollie.  You're not supposed to smoke the worm.)

Ted - Steve Park's been doin' double duty this week too.  He's tryin' to practice well AND still suck at Coca-Coalifyin'....Damned if he didn't pull it off.  7th tonight.

Stacy - Gordon's won at Charlotte.  Gordon's won at the Brick.  But I'll bet he never did it while ridin' a black Fat Boy in between races......Now, I'm talkin' a Harley Fat Boy, here.....Whatever else he may have ridden is his own bidness.  Gordon johncocks a 4th.

Parker - Dale Jr. was mowin' 'em down this time last year.  He'd won Richmond, the Winston, and had poled this race.  Last year I was collapsing into a dehydrated mound of exhausted human compost after mowing only one side of my yard.  This year I'm clickin' off the yardage & he's the one havin' troubles....While still takin' home 3 times my yearly salary every week.  8th for Jr.

Andrea, Lori, & Tony - Last year I tried this synchronicity thing and it worked.  I rented a Hog when Rusty broke out his Harley car at Bristol and he ended up winnin' it.  Thought I'd try it again this week, but Rusty had to turn his rental in after the Winston.  A late race pit stop will sting Rusty and he'll end up 9th.

Jeff & Doc - Tony got a cramp and needed an "upper buttock" massage during a rain delay at today's first race....(Hmm.  This synchronicity thing seems to be workin' just fine.)  The Indy went long & it was close. But the "Police" escort got him to Charlotte on time.  Now HIS sore ass'll finish 6th....for the second time today.

And c'mon T-Stew...Show us your muscles.

Pam - Kenseth won this pig last year, and hogged up the rookie of the year points from there on out.  But Matt's sophomore year is turnin' out a little soph-ter than he'd hoped. And he's "mad as an" angry badger about it.....(Ooops.  That's Dave's joke.)....'Matt is un'-happy with his 11th place finish.

Kim & Paul - The Coke-Cola 600 is not just a race.  It's an endurance event.  Your driver's gonna need stamina, strength, and stayin' power.....Oh, the Viagra car's gonna do just fine.  5th.

Dave - Marlin has never volunteered for double duty in a series of big races.  And so tonight, I'm bettin' he-......won't have any problems with fatigue.  (...Keep lookin'.)  You "can tuck e-"motions away for this race, Dave.  Marlin, a 22nd

Yep...A moron....With pun-chant for homophones.

And Michael Waltrip might as well be ridin' a Cub Cadet around this track tonight.   I could walk behind my little 'open wheeler' and finish ahead of him.  30th.

Indy's over. 
Helio Castroneves wins, chugs the milk and climbs another fence. 
Stewart's helio-copter is landin'
And I'm firin' up my Sears Craftsman.  See if I can mow a quick lawn or two before this thing starts.....May make enough to go double-dipshittin' again next weekend.

Push mower-onically,
Coca-Cola 600
Push Mower...-on
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